An Open Letter to Our Oppressors

I follow an amazing blog rmnblog.org. And today's post was especially moving to me. Thought I would share.

In light of the passage of Proposition 8 with the denial and removal of rights for gay and lesbian couples, and the other anti-gay ballot measures recently passed, the inclusion of Rick Warren in the upcoming US presidential inauguration festivities, and recent anti-gay comments by the Pope (along with may many other previous anti-gay statements), I wish to write an open letter to my oppressors, many of them fellow Christians.

Dear Oppressors,

Yes, I hear you. I am not deaf to your messages. To the Holy Father in Rome, Reverend Rick Warren in California, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, the many supporters of Prop 8, Focus on the Family, Exodus International, and so many others who publicly speak out against LGBT people and our rights, I hear you loud and clear. No matter how you sugarcoat it and wrap it up with smiles and scripture and say that you are nothing like the extremist, Fred Phelps, I hear your message loud and clear telling me that I am inferior and unwanted in your world. These are not your words, but all the same this is the message you communicate.

I hear you insist time and time again in multiple ways that heterosexuals are superior to gays and lesbians. Your marriages, your homes, your “lifestyles” are normal, but mine? Not so much. I hear you declare that I am not capable of producing anything good or beneficial other than some window treatments or a decent hair style. In essence I hear you say that I am a worthless piece of shit and the cause of untold woes and problems, the harbinger of even worst things to come.

Some of your best friends may be gay, and you may profess that you really love the homosexual, but all the while your words and aggressively anti-gay activism consistently serve to dehumanize me–to present me and my kind as oversexed, deformed animals.

You remain steadfast in your opposition to the full inclusion of LGBT people in the life of the church. You oppose, limit and even remove rights in order to keep us unequal and legally inferior. You spend exorbitant amounts of money and time telling lies about us while expending so little energy actually getting to know us. You deal with theories, not reality. And you are wrong, dead wrong.

You treat us as an inconvenient and unwanted Christmas gift that you desperately wish to exchange for something better. You belittle our love, our families, our faith, our morals, our very lives while all the time you claim to speak the truth in love. This is not love. This is fear. It is control and oppression, and it is the rejection of God’s gifts to the church, society and in some cases to your very families.

I know all about rejecting this gift. I did it for years as I repented daily of the same-sex attractions and gender differences I found inside me. I demonized my sexuality and believed no good could come of my gay orientation. I proceeded to return this gift as I bullied God for something else–I coveted my straight neighbor’s life believing the propaganda that his was the idealized norm to follow instead of trusting God for the life I had been given.

In the midst of all that I experienced grace and tenderness from God, extreme patience, kindness ultimately leading to a deeper repentance, one based in Light and reality, a repentance that recognizes that a gay orientation and gender differences came to me as an astonishing gift of power and beauty.

I confess I do not possess the same patience and understanding as God. Your words, your bully tactics, your unbridled and arrogant superiority sicken me. I struggle to love you or call you brother. Yet I remember the years that I persecuted myself and others, the dread of change that ruled my life and my narrow faith, and the need to contain everything in simple boxes with no unanswered questions or gray areas.

I may be a peace-loving Quaker and a Christian, but that doesn’t mean I am going to avoid confrontation or assume we can all just hold hands and overlook our differences. To do so would be to support your oppression and enable you to continue in it with my permission. I point out to you what you may be unwilling or unable to see. You stand as oppressors, bullies, abusers imposing your sexuality and religious views on others. Are your hearts evil and full of bad intentions? I cannot say. I do not speak of your hearts but of your actions and your words.

In spite of the opposition and the oppression, we will thrive. Transgender people, lesbians, bisexuals, and gays will have our families, our faith, our places in our communities. We will walk hand in hand with our partners without apology and without shame. We will enjoy our sexual lives as a expression of our love and as a conduit of pleasure–pure and simple. We will not go away or heed your flawed and uninformed message.

And perhaps one day you will come to your senses. Perhaps you will see with clearer eyes. Perhaps you too will repent of your bullying and the rejection of the gifts among you. Regardless, we will not back down, and we will continue to live our lives with dignity.

Peter Toscano

Grace upon Grace

John 1:1-18
"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things came into being through him, and without him not one thing came into being. What has come into being in him was life, and the life was the light of all people. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it.
There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. He came as a witness to testify to the light, so that all might believe through him. He himself was not the light, but he came to testify to the light. The true light, which enlightens everyone, was coming into the world.
He was in the world, and the world came into being through him; yet the world did not know him. He came to what was his own, and his own people did not accept him. But to all who received him, who believed in his name, he gave power to become children of God, who were born, not of blood or of the will of the flesh or of the will of man, but of God.
And the Word became flesh and lived among us, and we have seen his glory, the glory as of a father's only son, full of grace and truth. (John testified to him and cried out, "This was he of whom I said, He who comes after me ranks ahead of me because he was before me.' ") From his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. The law indeed was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God. It is God the only Son, who is close to the Father's heart, who has made him known."

Not your typical Christmas story huh? This really isn’t the picturesque nativity epic or Christmas pageant we see children perform every year. There aren’t any wise men, sheep or shepherds. There isn’t a pregnant virgin, a worried husband, or a donkey treading through the streets of Bethlehem looking for a room. And most obviously, there is no baby Jesus recently brought into the world laying in a manger, asleep on the hay.

This story is about God choosing to become flesh among us, to come to us on our level. Here this story of Jesus shows us that the point wasn’t the manger, it wasn’t the wise men’s gifts, or even the miraculous virgin birth. The point is not the human yet divine way that Jesus came into contact with our world, but that God sent himself to change our world.

At the beginning of John the author gives us a quick summary of creation. “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things came into being through him, and without him not one thing came into being. What has come into being in him was life, and the life was the light of all people”(v.1-4) This not only serves to us as a reminder that we are God’s creation but shifts our view to the living Christ, the living, breathing, out of the cattle stall Christ. And very quickly, the author brings us to John the Baptist to direct us to the purpose. “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it. There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. He came as a witness to testify to the light, so that all might believe through him. He himself was not the light, but he came to testify to the light. The true light, which enlightens everyone, was coming into the world” (v.5-8).

A new light has come, an enlightenment that God has breathed into a man to show us our potential. I have said it before on this blog and I will say it again. I believe that the reason that God came to us in Christ was not to offer us a new box to try and fit ourselves into, to wrap up nicely with a pretty red bow. Christ came to break the mold. Jesus didn’t stay in the stable for very long because there wasn’t enough room for what he was about to do.

The church at the time of Jesus was different than what we know sitting in our pews on Sunday mornings today. It had been a way for people to connect to God through tradition, temple, laws, and gave a model for how Jews should think, talk, act and live. Hmm, wait… I guess it doesn’t sound so different than some of the churches we attend. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a tradition type of girl. I like my liturgy and my prewritten prayers, I like the movement and the ease of it all. But its an easy box to keep yourself in if you’re not careful. It’s easy to get set in your ways and to continue forcing yourself into a set of beliefs that spoon feeds you, gives you a step by step program to live your life, and never question or wrestle with any of it.

Jesus didn’t come to reinforce the law, or even to bring a new conformity. I know this could be argued, its kind of a controversial thought to think. But I don’t think Jesus strayed away from controversy. Because look at the purpose of Jesus that the author of John gives us starting in verse 14: “And the Word became flesh and lived among us, and we have seen his glory, the glory as of a father's only son, full of grace and truth. (John testified to him and cried out, "This was he of whom I said, 'He who comes after me ranks ahead of me because he was before me.’ ") From his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. The law indeed was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God. It is God the only Son, who is close to the Father's heart, who has made him known.”

Wait… What was that? “From his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace?” (v. 16). We have ALL received. This is the purpose, this is the meaning of Jesus, this is the reason. Jesus came to enlighten us to the gift, not given to us in the manger but the gift given to us through grace of God and shown to us on the cross.

Yeah I know this is mind boggling, its scandalous, and its tough to wrap your brain around. But I believe that God came into flesh to show us that he is meeting us where we are. And that it is at this place, just as we are, that we meet Jesus. The living, the breathing, out of the manger Christ. If we come to Jesus this Christmas just as we are, just as we were created to be, the potential is life changing, its freeing.

Or wait… even greater: what if we came to others just as they are, just as they were created to be, with the love and the grace that Jesus showed us is not only possible, but has been given for us all? It’s freeing, the potential is life changing, its its mind boggling, scandalous, its tough to wrap our brains around, its grace upon grace.

Shout out to Liz Brown!

Hey Liz Brown!
This is your shout out!
Thanks for reading my blog! A little Jessica bird told me!

Words are Windows (or They're Walls)

I feel so sentenced by your words,
I feel so judged and sent away,
Before I go I've got to know,
Is that what you mean to say?

Before I rise to my defense,
Before I speak in hurt or fear,
Before I build that wall of words,
Tell me, did I really hear?

Words are windows, or they're walls,
They sentence us, or set us free.
When I speak and when I hear,
Let the love light shine through me.

There are things I need to say,
Things that means o much to me,
If my words don't make me clear,
Will you help me to be free?

If I seemed to put you down,
If you felt I didn't care,
Try to listen through my words,
To the feelings that we share.

-Ruth Bebermeyer-

The Complexity of Connection

So I'm reading, well rereading this book called, "The Complexity of Connection". It's a collection of writings from the Sone Center's Jean Baker Miller Training Institute. My therapist recommended it to me when I was going through similar feelings that my last post described earlier this year.

The book is basically presenting this Relational-Cultural Theory (RCT). This idea suggests that all growth occurs in connection and that all people yearn for connection, and that growth-fostering relationships are created through mutual empathy and mutual empowerment.

At the beginning of the book Miller describes five good things that make up a growth-fostering relationship: 1) increased zest (vitality), 2) increased ability to take action (empowerment) 3) increased clarity (a clearer picture of one's self, the other, and the relationship), 4) increased sense of worth, and 5) a desire for relationships beyond that particular relationship. "These five good things describe the outcomes of growth-fostering relationships, that is, the outcomes when growth occurs through mutual empowerment and mutual empathy; we grow not toward separation, but toward greater mutuality and empathic possibility."

Today I was reading the section on "Relational Competence". And I realized I'm not very competent when it comes to relationships, at least in this model. "The capacity to move another person, to effect a change in a relationship, or effect the well-being of all participants in the relationship might be called relational competence." (15). But another way that Baker talks about relational competence is the ability to participate in a growth-fostering relationship, to move someone, to be in touch with our feelings and our own hearts that we touch the hearts of others and both people are able to grow.

Here's what it involves:
1. Movement toward mutuality and mutual empathy (caring and learning flows both ways), where empathy expands for bot self and other.
2. The development of anticipatory empathy, noticing and caring about our impact on others.
3. Being open to being influenced.
4. Enjoying relational curiosity.
5. Experiencing vulnerability as inevitable and a place of potential growth rather than danger.
6. Creating good connection rather than exercising power over others as the path of growth.

So after all of those big words... Here's my assumption of it all...
I (as an individual) don't foster growth-fostering relationships. I've been hurt before, I've been put in situations where now everything in my body and my heart tells me to protect myself from future hurt. But I want a healthy relationship, I want to be able to create something wonderful outside of myself with someone else who wants the same thing. And most especially now with this wonderful person in my life, I want to make this work more than any other, and I refuse for this to end because of something that I could have worked on or improved on.

To do this I'm going to make my individual focus on the 6 signs of relational competence. And my relationship focus on the 5 signs of a growth-fostering relationship. But I think before I slice off more than I can chew I will work on myself first and see how it goes working with someone else. Who knows maybe the work I do on myself will spill over and automatically revamp my relationships across the board. At least that's what I'm hoping for.

So I've identified what I'm going to try doing but I know I have to have a plan of action for each of those steps. So more to come on that I suppose. I already know I'm going to have a hard time with number 5(vulnerability) and 6(exercising power).
I've got to do it right this time! I've got to change how I interact in this world. It's becoming exhausting.

Why Can't I be NORMAL?!!??!

This was my cry last night. Literally… I was crying this.

I’ve become pretty aware of myself lately, about what I do when I feel hurt, when I feel backed into a corner, and especially when I feel abandoned or the threat of being abandoned. I don’t know why, where it comes from, or if I can even change it, but I always, always, ALWAYS hurt the people I love the most. If I feel that you are going to hurt me, or even just the chance that you might in the future, I’m going to do everything possible to make you feel hurt before me.

Now mind you, being aware of this doesn’t stop me from doing it. Which makes it even more terrible. I’ve got this amazing girl friend, she’s my best friend, she creates in me a spirit that I have never felt or known, she amazes me with her love and the life that she lives that I am just honored to be a part of it. But I crush her, I hurt her, I get angry at the tiniest things that in the big scheme of things don’t matter. I don’t love her like she deserves to be loved. She deserves the world’s best girl, she deserves the world, she at least deserves respect, and for some reason its really hard for me to give that to her.

Its not just her, its everyone. My family, friends, lovers, coworkers. I’ve learned to keep people at a distance because I am aware of my temper and my way of working in this world. I don’t want you to get too close because I know you will eventually hurt me and so I’m not going to let you do that unless you can convince me it’s a good idea.

I take everything to be so personal and read into the smallest detail. It sucks. I just want to be normal! I just want to be able to go through life without analyzing someone’s motives and actions. I just want to be able to live life differently than this!

I’m really trying to work on it, but I’m so frustrated at trying that its starting to convince me that this is just who I am, and to me that sucks. I don’t want this to be who I am, because eventually I will be a lonely person with no friends, no family and no lover because I will have run them off. But I’m not giving up, I’m going to keep trying no matter how weary I feel. I feel like that’s the only thing I can do right now, I don’t want to lose her because I didn’t try.

So far my plan of attack is to slow down my outlook on life. I’m going to try and start my day off with meditating/praying/checking out, whatever you call it. I think if I get my mind set and my heart set on track at the beginning of the day hopefully it will help. I’m also going to start journaling more to get my thoughts, frustrations, ideas out without hurting others. So far those are my only ideas, so if you’ve got any suggestions I’d love to hear them.

Advent Conspiracy

A Service of Communion for Advent

This was our service of communion on Sunday.
I thought these words were so beautiful and timely.
It was nice to be able to get out of the routine of saying the normal UMC liturgy.

My pastor Sid at Trinity UMC and Christine Kraemer wrote this.

Let me know your thoughts on the words.

Call to Communion

Leader: Advent is the season of the longest night, the Solstice. We watch, we stir a little in anxiety; under the cover of darkness we await the rebirth of the sun, which after its long period of waning will begin to wax again. Though we shiver with the cold of winter, we rest easy in the knowledge that the light will return. We meet today to share a ritual of hope and peace, in Jesus Christ.

The Great Thanksgiving
Leader: The Creator is with us!

All: We open our hearts to God's Spirit. We rejoice to give thanks to our God.

Leader: Holy One, throughout the turn of the seasons you remain steadfast. In the depths of our suffering, you suffer with us; in the heights of our joy, you share in our pleasure. Creator of earth, air, fire, and water, we celebrate the creation that is your body. In the faces of those around us0 and in this season we especially look into the face of the stranger, who often has no place in the inn- in our own faces in the mirror, and in all living creatures, we see your face. By your power and presence, you transform us; we become prophets and makers of justice, bearers of your message of truth and beauty to all the world. And so, with all Being, we raise our voices in your praise:

All: Holy, Holy, Holy One, Source of Life and Love, all that is blazes with your glory. Your light breaks into the darkness, and darkness is as light to you.

Leader: Blessed are you, and blessed is the Child of Humanity, called Jesus, who came amongst us to proclaim liberation and wholeness. Jesus came to break all bonds, to shatter the chains of oppression that hold us in captivity; he healed the sick, gave food to the poor, and ate with those that society rejected to show that God's table is open to all. Through his suffering, death and resurrection he proclaimed the victory of love over death. O God, by your power of compassion and justice you gave birth to a new community to embody the continuing presence of Christ in the world. When we break the bread and share the cup, we do so to remember Jesus Christ, and to affirm that your acceptance is poured out for all.

Words of Institution

Leader: The seasons turn and the earth is chill and hard. the sun shines wanly in the sky, and we anxiously await the rebirth of the light. We take this meal, and remember the promise of transformation:

All: That which waxes must also wane; Christ has died. But that which wanes shall also wax again: Christ is risen and shall return!


Leader: Holy One, let your spirit well up in us and in these gifts of bread and wine. Together we pray in the words of St. Teresa of Avila:


All: Christ has no body now on earth but ours;
No hands but ours. Ours are the eyes
Through which Christ's compassion to the world looks out;
Ours are the feet with which Christ goes about doing good;
Ours are the hands with which Christ blesses now.

Sharing of the Bread and Cup

Prayer after communion
Leader: Mother God, we call to you out of winter.
All: The light is coming! The sun will be reborn!
Leader: Father God, we call to you out of stillness.
All: The light is coming! The sun will be reborn!
Leader: Creator God, we call to you with desperate hope.
All: The light is coming! The sun will be reborn!
Leader: O Holy One, we greet your Sun with gladness;
with how much more joy shall we greet you Child!
We come before you as your people of hope and peace.
All: Alleluia! Amen.

New Bike Blog!

Hello All!

Jessica and I are riding in the Hill Country Ride for AIDS this April.
It's a 50 mile bike ride through the Texas Hill Country to raise funds
and awareness for those living with HIV/AIDS. We have made a personal
goal of 50 miles and 1,000 dollars. With your help we know we can
surpass this goal! Imagine not being sure if you were going to have
enough food, or medical care, or imagine being sick and not having any
family to help take care of you. The agencies supported by this Ride
provide all of these services and more to those living with HIV/AIDS.

We have started our blog and would love it if you all would keep up with us!

teambritica.blogspot.com

We'll keep you updated with pictures, our fund raising, and help
spread awareness through this blog. Please feel free to forward this
onto any friends or family!

Happy Trails,

Britt

A great weekend at home

This past weekend I went home to spend some time with my family. My sister was also filming a documentary on marriage, more specifically the social structure around it and the pressure that young college students feel to get married at such an early age. I was really honored that she asked to interview me. I knew when she asked me that it would be hard for me to do, and also thought it might be even harder for her to interview me and hear things that we haven’t really talked about since I decided to break off the engagement.

My family isn’t very used to talking about things in an open and honest way. I mean we do it, but there are some things that we just don’t dig deep. Last summer is one of them. When it actually happened I talked to my parents about it all, but my sisters and I didn’t really have a format or a way to be able to discuss it. So we just didn’t. I was hurt, scared, ashamed, I’m sure they felt similar.

So to be able to say so many things and to really spill my feelings and my experience with my sister there, asking the questions was really powerful and moving. On many occasions I cried, and became overwhelmed with emotion. She asked a few questions about my parents and that’s when I really got emotional. I’ve talked before about the disappointment that I felt I caused my family, and the failure I felt I was not fulfilling their dream for me. I still struggle with that, feeling as if I have failed them.
It wasn’t anything that they put on me or forced me to feel, I put those expectations upon myself.

Being a part of the documentary made me really proud of Emme, she asked really wonderful questions that weren’t too abrasive but they pulled information out of me that was valid and truthful, I wouldn’t have been able to do that if I hadn’t have felt safe. She’s really doing such a wonderful job and I can’t wait to see the film!

After the filming we went to my dad’s new restaurant called Coast. It’s in Plano at the Shops at Legacy. My dad has been out of the restaurant business for about 7 years, but he wasn’t rusty at all. He pulled out all the stops and the tricks. The place is gorgeous, and piece of art to just sit in. And the cuisine is amazing. I think that even if you don’t know much about fine dining, that you would be able to tell that what they are doing with seafood at Coast is awesome! I was really proud of what my dad created, he looked so happy like this was what was meant for him.

Sunday my mom and I hung around town. We went shopping and out to lunch. We had some really good conversation and had a fun time together. I really enjoy her company and was really sad to come back to Georgetown because I wanted to have some more time with her. But Thanksgiving is approaching soon!!!

The Best Weekend of the Fall

This past weekend was probably the best weekend of the season!

It was homecoming weekend at Southwestern and the girls came back in town! Kat and Liz came to visit for the weekend and we had a fantastic time!

Thursday night we picked Kat up from the airport and right away painted the town red! We went to eat at Katz Deli, yummy! Then we headed down the way to our favorite gay club RAIN! By far the best dancing, the best music, good drinks, but not so hot amateur strip night. YUCK! Little 18 year olds thinking that their whitey tighties look better when they are droppin it like its hot, guess its not my thing. We got back at 4 am, oh my word! Then Alan, Jessica and I had to be at work in the morning. TERRIBLE! I will never stay out that late and then go to work the next day ever again.

So went to work Friday, then came back and went to dinner with the crew. Dos Salsas, doing it right. Then we went to Leigh's and played Kings Cup, I really just watched, and it was quite a sight to see.

Saturday we did all the homecoming festivities. Parade in the morning! My Phi Lambs looked so cute, and I was soo proud to pass the torch to my girl Anna Gale! She did such a great job. BBQ was awesome, I was stuffed from Monument bfast, but I couldn't pass up bbq. We then went to the LGBTA alumni meet and greet and then made our way over to the phi lamb alumni reception. Which was absolutely lovely! I got to see lots of old friends, lots of ones I still have, and celebrate sisterhood. I'm so proud of these girls. They have got a really awesome new chapter room and they are doing some really amazing things in the community and on campus, I'm just very proud.

Liz came in town around this time and it was sooo good to see her. Even though it was such a short trip and I'm sad I didn't get to spend some 1 on 1 time with her, its a boost of energy I need. She knows me better than anyone and its always a treat to spend time with her.

I spoke at the reception about how much like a family those girls have been and are to me. When I came out I didn't think Phi Lambs would be the most supportive group, or supportive at all. Phi Lambs has never changed because I've changed. Even if some of them didn't agree with my life, didn't agree with who I am, they never treated me any differently or didn't love me any less. They kept me in their life and accepted the part about me and the new love in my life. I love them.

Saturday night we went to the alumni hospitality house for a while. I saw an old professor who said, "BRITT!! I told you not to get married didn't I?!?! You look so happy now!" I love it! Then we went to SING! The Phi Lambs and Kappa Chi's did great! They got 3rd (even though I feel they should have received 1st) best theme development, and people's choice (which in my mind is 1st place!). We then went to the Alumni Hospitality house again and had a blast! We saw old friends and danced the end of the night away!

Sunday we went to church, had an amaaaazing dinner of braised short ribs, mashed taters, green beans, and deep dish cherry pie. Oh, and I shouldn't forget the wine. We played this new game emily taught us and I think its my new favorite card game!

That was it! Sounds like a simple weekend, but it was sooo much fun and so good to see my girls. Now I'm off to a conference! WOO HOO!

First Hospital Accompaniment

Today has been really draining.

I had my first hospital sexual assault accompaniment today.
Big words mean- I’m an advocate for victims of sexual assault. I am whatever type of support for a victim of sexual assault when they are having a forensic exam in the hospital.

Today was my first, and very memorable.

I’m rattled and shaken, and will always have her face and the face of her son imprinted on my brain. But I remained calm and in the moment with her, trying to be what she needed for me to be at that time and giving her resources and information for me to be anything else in the times ahead.

While I sat there in the hospital room across from her I couldn’t help but think that she and I would probably be friends in another situation. But the situation that she was in, the job that I’m in, automatically put me in a position to advocate for her. I was fairly uncomfortable for a while, realizing that if I was in the bed with a gown draped around my shocked and shaken body, with all of these people around me trying to do the best at their jobs, I would just feel like they thought they were better than me, so ashamed, so numb. Many survivors do feel this way, they blame themselves, they claim they deserved it, they feel like its something within them that caused this to happen.

It was hard watching the nurse rush around her trying to gather all bits of evidence for forensics to charge against her partner. It was uncomfortable to watch the victim advocate from law enforcement pull out all of her testimony about the occurrence that had taken place not 24 hours earlier. I watched my fellow advocate that I was shadowing, give her a net of support through different options and agencies that could offer her help during the days to come. All of these people were doing wonderful things, but I felt uncomfortable because I felt that something was missing, someone to be there to just empathize with her, to talk to her like she’s a person, not a patient, a victim or a survivor.

I wanted to just reach out to her and hold her hand. Talk to her about her life, ask her what she likes to do in her spare time. I wanted to build a friendship with her, because the lack of family and friends there supporting her. I wanted to know that when she walked out the hospital door that she was going to be okay. I guess that’s why I feel so conflicted with being a ‘professional’ in crisis situations. I know that by remaining professional, there will be some distance, and in distance comes the ability to separate yourself at the end of the day from the trauma that you have been a part of, but also it sometimes keeps us so far from what the survivor might need us to be.

I know I’m assuming that she wanted a friend, that she wanted someone to be her family, the professional distance might have been protection for her. This is my bleeding heart spilling out, knowing what’s best for all victims… yeah right. This is going to take some getting used to, hiding my bleeding heart.

Insert Eye of the Tiger Here

I always have bad luck when it comes to finding out about cool events.
Last year I was reading the Austin Chronicle and saw that the Hill Country Ride for AIDS was happening that weekend. I love riding my bike, didn't have anything to do that weekend and really want there to be a cure for AIDS. Then I looked to the bottom of the page and saw that it was a 50 mile ride and that there were people who had raised thousands of dollars towards a cure. My heart and not to mention my body didn't feel I was ready.

So I committed myself to the following year, ready to train, and raise some major moola. This weekend I started training. It hasn't been so bad to tell you the truth. Taking things in 5 mile increments. Thursday I rode 5 miles, Friday I rode 5 miles and today I rode 10. And Georgetown is a pretty good place to start out, there are lots of hills and places to hit the pavement.

I really love my bike, its a steady ride. Here it is... It doesn't have a name yet, so hit me up with suggestions if you are so compelled.




Well I'll keep you all updated on the training and how you can help! Donate or be a part of the ride crew :)

So until then... DA DADADA DADADA DADADAAAAA... EYE OF THE TIGER!!

Uh Huh Her

Few days ago we went and saw one of our favorite bands Uh Huh Her, here are some pics from it.

It's been awhile

Sorry, I know I get on to many of you because you haven't updated your own blogs, and yet I neglect my own.

But I thought no one really read this thing and it was only for my own therapeutic needs. But I found out this week that I have a trusted reader! Shout out to Brittany thanks for the love! :)

Well things are going well. I'm living on campus now, lovin and enjoying life. Most of my days consist of going to work and coming home to my girl :) Can't complain. We are doing pretty well, taking things a day at a time, and enjoying the time we spend with each other. I wake up every morning wondering what it was that I could have done to deserve a person like her in my life. She's my best friend and true companion, and I love and feel about her more than anyone else my heart has come into contact with.

Most people have been supportive of us. It's been a long road and having those people to cheer us on a long the way has helped boost us with confidence in who we are. We had no clue many of our Phi Lamb friends would be so supportive and so inclusive. We assumed that this group would be the most homophobic, but we were the ones who were presumptuous in our judgment. So thank you if you have been a part of that group who has supported us as a couple and who have never treated us any differently because of this new part that you now know about who we are.

But it has been hard losing friendships, family members taking a step back, and many times having to hide who we are to individuals in our community for the sake of our jobs. It outright sucks. I remember when we started to decide to be out to a select few, I remember the fear we had of losing those we love for the one we love most. I felt like I had to choose. Or I was telling those who didn't understand that I was choosing her over being who I was to them. There was no question to me who I wanted to be, to me it wasn't a choice, it was something very biological, very emotional, very spiritual, everything that I knew within me wanted to be with this woman. A few people have asked me if I had thought that maybe I'm in this relationship because it was the next closest relationship to my ex, and I hadn't dealt with the trauma from that relationship.

If people would take the time to listen and accept that it has nothing to do with unresolved issues from the past within me, I had removed myself from my previous relationship long before I broke it off, for months even up to a year I had been hollow and not present in that relationship. I kept myself there because I thought it was the right thing to do, but I quickly found out that I could no longer do that. If people would realize that just because Jess and I didn't start out like a Disney movie relationship, and things were hard at first and we had to work through figuring out our sexuality while being in a relationship, doesn't mean that its a relationship set up for failure. If people would realize that I'm in love with this person for a reason, that she is someone that was worth working hard to be with, and that I'm happy because of where I am in my life and where I am is with this woman.

She's not leaving my life any time soon as far as we're concerned and when you shut her out you are shutting me out. My biggest wish is that those of you who are letting something stand in the way of accepting Jessica as a part of me, as a part of my life, would release that anger, fear, judgment, homophobia, loyalty to someone else, sadness. I know it might take some time, but I'm willing to help. I'm willing to work at the relationship with you in order for you to accept this large part of my life. Because when you tell me you love me for who I am, but you clearly don't accept this person in my life, you tell me that only certain parts of me are lovable.

I know I speak out of anger, sadness, and fear, things I'm asking many of you to release. We're in similar places just on the opposite ends of the scale. I want to be able to work hard for our relationship that is currently not the same because of the egg shells we are walking on around each other. It will take some time, but I want to all of us to release the hurt, pain and undesirable feelings that have been boiling the past year. I want you to be able to see first hand how happy I am, how in love I am. I want you to be able to know the best version of me because that's who I am when I'm with her.

Remembering

My dad is a wonderful cook. He's owned restaurants, been a GM at a grocery store, and now is opening restaurants again. He's the smartest man I know, and while he didn't receive his education the conventional way, he's one of the best in the business. He's worked his way from dishwasher to owner throughout the span of his lifetime, which to me says more about his passion and his character than a degree in culinary arts could.

I remember being very young and watching my dad make a can of chicken broth and an egg into a culinary delight for 3 girls. On a Sunday afternoon after church he would put together a mezzaluna plate (cheese, deli meat, spreads, dips, crackers) a feast! He's great at whipping something up just out of no where and also planning an extravagant meal that only kings would eat.

He would take us to the restaurants at a very young age, because my mom would be on a trip (she's a flight attendant) and someone would need to watch us. So while he'd be in meetings he would recruit different staff to keep an eye on us. Pastry chefs, receptionists, bartenders, servers, sous chefs, they were all our babysitters at some point. But while he thought we were merely just playing and keeping to ourselves we were keeping a watchful eye of all the inner workings of a restaurant. He would take us to different restaurants outside of his own to probably do research for his own business, but he also did it to explore our palate. We had a love for brie, foie gras, sushi, rare cuts of meat, and food from all around the world. We thought this was normal, we thought that all kids brought Greek food to school for lunch in the 2nd grade.

My mom is also a wonderful cook. Later in life I was always impressed with how she could work all day on an airplane serving cranky people and then rush home to whip up a wonderful dinner for us, who mind you weren't the most grateful. She makes the most wonderful dishes that still to this day I try and replicate when I get a craving for. And she somehow always made it home that night to make us dinner after a trip. I always knew my mother loved us, but to be able to taste it in her cooking was another constant, she didn't have to say it, even though she did. It was in the preparation, taste and presentation of the food she made for us. My mother also helped start our Wednesday night program at church which included a meal. She pulled off a homemade meal every Wednesday night for all the members in our church, mostly single handedly. Her servant heart beats way farther than being a mother, it reaches out to all who want to sit down at a table for a meal.

When I cook a meal, especially for others, I think of my parents. I think of watching their technique, learning how to chop, dice, scramble, whip, mandolin, bake, fry, saute. I know flavor profiles, I know when a dish is being made on the television what it will probably taste like. I know how to create a meal that others will experience, not just fill their bellies with. I think of all of the wonderful meals my palete has experienced because of them. I think of all of the people that have been through our house because my parents had wanted to sit down to a meal with them. I think of the looks on their faces, the look of satisfaction, for creating a meal that others will remember and enjoy. I think of their passion for cooking and for others and am thankful that I have come from such a wonderful legacy.

I will not let the rocks cry out!

I have a love hate relationship with the church. It's an interesting thing when the plans are for you to be a pastor, and you aren't really happy with how affairs are in the place you are headed. The United Methodist Church has had the opportunity time and time again to stand up and give us some proof that they mean what they say by their mission statement "Open Hearts, Open Minds, Open Doors." That's a load of bologna!

God's plan for me is grand! I know it. Sometimes God has to speak rather loudly to get my attention, and for my calling into the ministry He came with banners and fireworks and a force that I could not deny. When I was in the 6th grade and was going through confirmation the climax of our time in study was a ceremony welcoming us into the church and being baptized if we chose to do so. My parents really chose for me, I didn't really know what the hullabaloo was about, I just knew that they really wanted to see me be baptized. How was some water going to change me? What I didn't know was as I was thinking that while kneeling next to my peers at the altar, God was on his way down the aisle with his banners, and fireworks and force that I could not deny. As my pastor made his way down the line and eventually in front of my bowed head, my family laid their hands on me. My pastor splashed a handful of water on my head and a few seconds later I felt the force I could not deny. It was as if all the energy, all of the life in my body had left me, I was a lifeless piece of matter being held by those around me. Then as my pastor made his way to the next of my peers in line I felt a rush of energy enter my body that felt like a hurricane. I can't describe it, it was the most sustaining, sure, and safe place I've ever been in my life. It was then that I knew that God had big plans in store for me.

As I grew older I became to be more aware of what my gifts were, what God had instilled in me that day kneeling at the altar. I became aware. As I grew older I also became increasingly aware of feelings and thoughts that I knew weren't widely accepted by the church and especially by society. I remember one time telling my friend that I wanted to kiss another girl in my class at the lunch table. I remember the reaction from my friend, and quickly shutting up so not to step out of the box that I had been placed into. For a long time I knew that my feelings weren't how society and the church wanted them to be. But God had instilled them in me, I couldn't get rid of them, I couldn't get them to go away, so I decided to just be silent and try to forget about them. But I should have known, God was not going to be silent, he was going to come with banners, fireworks and a force I could not deny to show me that who he created me to be was loved and cared about in his eyes. He showed me that who he created me to be was much bigger than an institution, than a set of beliefs, than society. And that the person he created in me and the plans that he had for me were big! And weren't meant to be kept silent.

My denomination that I belong to (the United Methodist Church) has another thing coming to them if they think they can silence me and who I am. Luke 19:40 reads, "I tell you," he replied, "if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out." Those stones aren't going to be crying out if I have anything to do with it. God showed me early on that he had big plans for my life. What if Jesus had kept silent? Hadn't preached a message of love, acceptance and grace? What if he had not spoken up for the woman who was to be stoned? What if he had not advocated for the poor and the marginalized? What if he hadn't become angry and vocal in the temple? What if he had just left the lame and the sick to die and be forgotten about? Jesus didn't, he came to bring the banners, fireworks and a force that couldn't be denied. He came to bring a message of love and inclusiveness. He came to open hearts, open minds and open doors.

Just because my church tries to silence me doesn't mean that I'm going to let the rocks cry out. What if as a pastor, or better yet, as a Christian I never reached out to the sick and the lame? What would happen if I never advocated for the poor and the marginalized? What would happen if I never spoke of the atrocious and terrible way that this world is unbalanced? What if I never spoke of love, grace and inclusiveness? What if I kept silent? I would be denying the person who I was created to be and more importantly, the message the Jesus came to deliver.

So when my church thinks they can silence me, they've got another thing coming to them. Because when it is my time to be in the pulpit, to deliver my message, I'm going to change hearts, challenge minds and bust open doors! And when they try and silence me, I will bring the banners, the fireworks, and I will bring a force that they will not be able to deny.

1 point for Britter!

So today was great!

It was a stressful day to start out, but it got to be so much better!

Today the Texas Council on Family Violence reps came out to see me and my program... wait I probably should explain what I do first.

My title is Domestic Violence Primary Prevention Specialist. So what that means is that about 75% of my time is devoted to creating a grassroots effort to prevent Family Violence (also known as Domesitc Violence), by collaborating with community members. Right now I'm mapping out what our community (Williamson County)looks like, in all aspects. So I'm working with the Census, crime reports, county data, city data, etc. etc. etc. I am the head of a community coalition where we foster discussion and strategically plan a pilot project based on the information that we have collected to prevent Family Violence. So I do lots of shmoozing to community members to be stakeholders and convince other community members that this is worthwhile. I also gather data in a lot of forms, interviews, focus groups, surveys, etc, to see what the norms are, what the problem of DV (domestic violence) is.

Well TCFV (Texas Council on Family Violence) is an agency that kind of makes sure that I'm in compliance and on track with my grant. They are great! But they also have lots of power. For example, after today's meeting they report back to HHSC (where my grant comes from) what our progress and our promise is.

Well I was pretty nervous about today's meeting. Because it was going to be our CEO, 2 TCFV people and myself in this meeting. I was to tell them what we have done up until this point (which I didn't have much of a clue since I've only been here for a month and there wasn't any material given to me from the person in this position before me), and to tell them where we are planning on going. So today was about making a good first impression and also showing promise for our pilot project.
It was also important to me to show our CEO that I have the skills to do this job, and that I'm excited about it as well, so she can put faith in me to do a good job.

I think I did a pretty good job! I felt like such the adult! Conducting a meeting! I even made handouts... and funny thing... One of the reps from TCFV had the same handout that I had given them, to give to me! :) BOO YA!
My boss seemed happy and confident about my program and also seemed happy with my performance in the meeting. The TCFV reps seemed excited about our planning process and where we are going. So everyone was happy all around!

Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Word from Winkler

A huge problem
By Jim Winkler, General Secretary, General Board of Church & Society

I confess that I don’t think often about domestic violence. I have never considered striking a woman. I didn’t spank my children. Domestic violence, to the best of my knowledge, has not taken place in my family. I know, though, that domestic violence is a huge problem the world over.

I know people who have been abused. Therefore, domestic violence is a concern of mine.


Six in ten adults report that they personally know someone who has experienced domestic violence, according to research cited by the National Domestic Violence Hotline. One in three teenagers report knowing a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, kicked, choked or physically hurt by their partner.

October is “Domestic Violence Awareness Month.” It has been commemorated since 1987 as a means of raising awareness about this plague on society. Purple is the color that marks the observation. When you mix black and blue you get purple.

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence says its occurrence may include not only the intimate partner relationships of spousal, live-in partners and dating relationships, but also familial, elder and child abuse may be present in a violent home. Abuse generally falls into one or more of the following categories: physical battering, sexual assault and emotional or psychological abuse, and generally escalates over a period of time.

This is a good time for people to become familiar with domestic violence service agencies in their communities, how to contact battered women’s shelters, and to learn how your community is addressing domestic violence.


It is also an excellent occasion to discuss domestic violence in your congregation. Domestic Violence Awareness Month should be lifted up from the pulpit, highlighted in adult forums, and discussed in United Methodist Youth Fellowship gatherings.

Education and prevention make more sense than having to spend a lot of time and money dealing with the consequences of domestic violence. Alcohol problems, school dropouts and crime are just a few other societal ills that can result from domestic violence.

In the United States, the General Board of Church & Society has supported full funding of children’s services, prevention programs, law enforcement initiatives on domestic violence, rape crisis centers, and other state and local programs that provide services for victims and families. The amount of money spent on these programs is a tiny fraction of what society spends on weapons and training for war and violence.

Domestic violence crosses all barriers of race, ethnicity, nationality, social and economic class, and marital status. Domestic violence includes physical battering, sexual assault, emotional and psychological abuse.

Everywhere in the world, men commit most incidents of domestic violence. Men are usually larger and stronger than women. They use their size and power to harm and intimidate women. It’s common and it’s wrong.

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, research indicates that one in four women has been physically assaulted or raped by an intimate partner as compared to one in 14 men. Research also reveals that as many as half of the men who batter partners also abuse their children.

This is a problem not often addressed in church. It’s ugly and messy. The victims often get blamed for their own situation: “What did she do to set him off?” “Why doesn’t she just take the kids and leave?” “If she stays, she deserves what she gets.”

We can be harsh and judgmental.

This is a situation the local church needs to address. We need to minister to victims, educate our people about the problem, advocate for funding for programs that combat domestic violence, and work to break the cycle of violence.

Date: 9/29/2008
©2005-2008

I'm Coming OUT! I want the world to know!

So Big News...

Clay Aiken has confirmed his sexuality... Not that he really needed to though. Kind of makes me angry that we are so fixated on that. Why? Because its taboo? Because he sings songs that we assume are to women?

Other big news... Lindsay Lohan has also confirmed that she is in fact dating DJ Samantha Ronson. BIG DEAL! Why is it that we have to know, or that we have to stick a label on it? Why can't love be love? Or lust be lust?

I saw an interview with Clay Aiken a couple of years ago with Diane Sawyer on GMA and when asked about his sexuality he just looked completely disgusted. It's not something to play around with or coax out of someone just because you assume or because you just "Have to know".

Straight, gay, bisexual, trisexual, monosexual, questioning, trans, queer, or just free floating. Who cares? I mean not that its not an important part of you, and if you decide to share that great, but its not something to be forced out or used by any means for informational gain. I'm sure Diane Sawyer doesn't want her sexuality paraded around, or her fetish for dirty socks pulled out of her on camera.

Anyways.

Pride Weekend!

This weekend Jess and I made the trek up the I35 corridor to show our PRIDE!
Fantastic weekend, full of dancing, drink and merriment!
Friday night we made it to the Brinkmann's new loft after a loooong day of work for the both of us. It was good to get out and take somewhat of a vacation for awhile. Colleen and Barney had dinner ready for us and gave us the grand tour of their new pad, which has an amazing view of downtown dallas.


The next morning we woke up and went to breakfast with Leah, a friend of Jess' that she went to highschool with, and a new friend of mine. It's really neat that she has such great friends who are supportive and have known her for so long. We went to breakfast and caught up on life, the election and what the future holds. Then I met my lovely youngest sister Maisey at Ziziki's in Dallas for lunch. We caught up and ate a really wonderful Meditteranean lunch. It was really good to see her even though I will be going to visit her in two weeks. I sometimes feel like I missed out on getting to know her because I was concentrating too hard on being her overbearing older sister, so its nice to have opportunities to get to know who she is now.
Then Saturday night Jessica and I met our friend Angie and we went to The Rose Room for a drag show. I had no idea how much I would love this! The gals weren't necessarily that great of performers, but there's something about cheesy music, lip synching and shiny costumes that makes me go crazy! I was dancing right along with them on the front row and when there was one that really wow'd me I'd whip out my dolla bills and wave it around in adoring glee! I don't think Angie and Jess had as good of a time as I did at the Rose Room.


Cool Tangent: When we arrived there were these women on the front row who just amazed me. They were about 60-65 and were having a bigger ball than any of us! They were all glammed up and ready to party with the youngins. I just sat there in amazement, wondering what life had been like, what it is like for them. I wanted to know them. I want to be them. Being happy, going out and being themselves and not caring what other people think about their age, their sexuality, or their interests. It was wonderful!
After the show was over we went downstairs to the S4 club which was packed! I've never danced in such tight quarters. We tried to find our own space in the middle but the Latina who started a butt bumping war with me clearly won. So we just sucked up the tight space and danced the night away. I'm known as kind of a rigid dancer with no rhythm and no skill. But Saturday night, I was a different girl, or at least so I hear. I was breakin out the moves and feelin the music and just having a ball, I didn't want to leave. This guy was trying to pass thru the crowd and said to me, "You are too cute! Wow, you are just the cutest! I'm not ever attracted to women, but wow!" HAHA! I got a kick out of that and it boosted my dancing confidence a little more. It was nice to be able to keep up with my girlfriend who is an amazing dancer!
We left the club and crashed at home for a couple of hours before waking up and making the Brinkmann rentals a nice PRIDE breakfast. On the menu: Asparagus and Turkey Bacon Frittata, Tri-colored heirloom tomatoes, Fruit salad, Cranberry Walnut toast and Fresh squeezed orange juice. YUMMY!
Then we hit the road to stake out our spot for the parade! It was a ridiculously hot day! But we braved it. We found our spot and set up camp, waited for 2 hours in the hot sun for it to start and then watched the parade for another 2 hours. There was really just so much to see that its going to be hard to describe to you. So just look at my pics (http://www.new.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2020238&l=9a810&id=38600567). I would post them up here, but at work I get on here sometimes and I don't want pictures of drag queens to pop up on my computer screen for all to see.

After roasting, we made our way to the festival full of booths, food, music and fun! We got a hot dog to fill our grumbling tummies and then walked around to the different vendors to see what we could see. We came across the Orbitz booth and saw one of those money booths set up. You know where you are blind folded and all the money flies up and you have to catch it all!

There was no line so Jess and I decided to give it a shot. We both had to get in and be blindfolded, the guy manning it told us that we had to gather up all the money/paper money we could and then stuff it into the other person's shirt. Jessica was amazing, I sucked. I came out of the booth with my whole shirt full of money and paper money, she had about 4 pieces in hers. I looked like I had just gained about 15 pounds. So we unloaded our winnings at the table and the people there told us we could either keep the 9 dollars of real money or we could take our winnings of the paper money which meant 700 dollars in plane ticket vouchers. "Plane ticket!" we exclaimed. So I guess this means we'll be going on vacation soon! YAY!
We then made the drive back to Georgetown, tired and happy.

Good times can't last forever, and stars can't be aligned for all time

So things are going exceptionally well.

I've started to settle into my new job at Hope Alliance, my love life is settling into a nice groove, I've got hobbies, I've found a wonderful church. Not a care in the world, well maybe there is.

I'm uneasy with goodness. I’m apprehensive with blessing. I feel suspicious during the valleys, knowing there is a hill coming ahead. I’d like to think that I’m an optimist, but I know the truth, I’m extremely pessimistic and paranoid about the hard times ahead. I know good times can’t last forever, and that the stars can’t be aligned for all time, so instead of enjoying the view for now I prepare myself for the tough times ahead. Most of the time I make my own thoughts which I see as the inevitable into self fulfilling prophecies. I’m looking for the next wrong turn, the next obstacle or the next argument, and I pounce on them to get them started before they’ve even decided to start in on me. It’s very difficult for me to just sit and enjoy now, not worrying about what’s ahead. I know that if I make the inevitable happen now, maybe it won’t surprise me, hurt me, or defeat me as much as if it had discovered me first.
But I’ve caught myself lately, having fun and not worrying about the future. Not worrying about the inevitable. I thought forever that if you just kept yourself guarded from life’s joys that when they hurt you in the end (because I thought fairy tales aren’t true) it would be easier to move on. But in that frame of mind I never felt safe, I always felt scared, abandoned, defeated, before anything ever happened. This time around, I began to see all the goodness in my life and realized that pushing those things out and not fully experiencing them was the real defeat. So I am allowing myself to feel the showers of love, goodness, grace and pure joy for as long as they stay with me. Knowing that there will be hills and mountains and freaking Mt. Everests to climb in my future. And if I haven’t allowed goodness to fill me up, I won’t be strong enough to climb to the top and over to the next set of good things that are in store.

Extended Holiday Weekend

I had a really wonderful Labor Day Weekend!
Friday was Betsy's Bye Bye party. So a bunch of my friends hung out and said goodbye to Betsy before she left for Prague. I'm going to miss her and have really enjoyed our growing friendship this past summer.

Jess was house sitting for a former professor so we got to stay over there all weekend and look after 2 cats (one that was the largest cats i've ever seen in person) and the cutest, most hyper dog i've ever met, spike. So we hung around there all weekend, but it was lovely, it was like being on a vacation.

Saturday morning we went to the Austin Farmer's Market and walked around. Then we went to central market and got some yummy mangoes to make sorbet. Then Saturday night we made dinner (pinwheel steaks and roasted root veggies)and just kind of hung out. Sunday we went to church and then had the most lovely brunch at Kerby Lane. We split a blueberry pancake, jessica had a side of scrambled eggs and i had a side of bacon and then of course we both had to have margaritas! :) Our food cost less than our drinks! :) Then we came back to the profs house and rested. We then made our way to campus to make dinner with our good friend Rigsby. On the menu: Chicken Parmesan, green beans and pasta. For dessert, blackberry cobbler and intoxicating lime sorbet (homeade!).

Monday was amazing! It was Austin's Free Day of Yoga!! So we woke up early and went to San Gabriel Park in Georgetown to do our first free class! It was held at the pavilion in the park and it was so nice and cool. Next we headed to PARTNER YOGA!!! MY NEW FAVORTIE!!




We did all these poses!! IT ROCKED!! Jessica and I had such a good time and I really hpe that we can do it together again soon. She's a yoga expert... no kidding, so I just try and keep up.

So I went to my new job on Tuesday for the first time and it was pretty good, as good as the first day can be I suppose. I showed up really nervous, and comparing everything to the luxury my old job was, and really didn't have any clue as to what I'm doing specifically at this agency. But among all of those feelings I had a pretty good time. I have a new cubicle, well half of a cubicle, and I'm going to be going to lots of meetings in the community and researching a lot of what Williamson County needs in a Violence Prevention Program.

Then yesterday I had a staff meeting and then they sent me home. I have an all weekend training coming up so they wanted me to be able to comp my time. So on my first week of work I've really only worked my first day :) Awesome! If you've kept reading till the end you get a gold star for the day! :)

Oh Georgetown...

Okay so I need to share this with the few of you who click on my blog every now and then.

On Monday I went to HEB on I35 to pick up a couple of things for dinner. As I was coming up to the check out line I remembered that the People Magazine issue with Portia De Rossi and Ellen Degeneres' wedding pictures had come out. So I began to look for it in the check out line I was in and couldn't find it. There was a magazine turned around with its backside facing me, but I was looking for the beautiful cover of the two of them looking so wedding day like. So I went to the next line to see if it was there. Same thing, no magazine but the same magazine that was turned around in the other line was turned around in that line too. I pulled it out of its wire basket and turned it around and realized that it was People, and all of the People magazines were turned around in that line.

I thought to myself, "Seriously!?!?!" So I went to the other lines down the aisle and realized that all of the People Magazines were turned around. UGGGG GEORGETOWN!!! So while I was checking out I asked the clerk what the deal was with all the magazines being turned around, he proceeded to tell me this. "Well we've had some complaints about it, people are saying its just not an appropriate magazine to have in the check out. It's not family friendly."

What the hell?!?!? WTF!?!?

Not family friendly!?!!? So the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition, the tabloids with jacked up celebrities, and the Cosmo's with kinky sex tips are family friendly? And this magazine isn't!??!



PUHLEASE!!

So I then proceeded to ask to speak to a manager. So he calls one over. This guy looks like he could be my younger brother... How is he qualified to run a grocery store?!!? As he's walking over I began to feel bad about the hell he's about to get from me, but then I quickly shoo that thought away because I know that I've got to stand up for equal magazine rights! :)

Here's the conversation, well ass kicking really that took place:

"Hi sir, I was just wondering why all these magazines are turned around?"

"Well we've had more complaints about these magazines being turned around than people buying them, so we're just trying to please the majority of our customers. We're trying to find a compromise so people who would like to buy them can, we can keep them in the designated place, and those who find it offensive don't have to see it."

"Well sir, I find it offensive that its turned around, quite frankly this is discrimination. If you are going to turn these around than all the tabloids, the sports illustrated swim suit edition, and the cosmos need to be turned around."

"Maam I'm sorry that you find it offensive...."

"No. This is whats going to happen. When I come back, if I come back to this store. They had better be turned back around, or you will find a lawsuit bigger than Texas on this store. And believe me it will be worth it for me to do that over a magazine."

"I understand maam. I hope that you found everything you needed today and that you will come back and see us."

"That depends on you sir."

Experience and Belief

I'm a hoarder. It's so hard for me to throw things away, I keep thinking that I might need it, or there might come a time that I might fit into those size 2 pants, or someone else might need a sparkly bouncy ball that lights up when you bounce it. It's so hard for me to let those things go sometimes, I attach memories with things to help me recall the feeling that I felt when someone gave me that item, or where I was in my life when I bought it.

I love going to garage sales but I hate putting one on. It's hard for me to go through my stuff and discard things I once found meaningful. I still haven't been able to part with any stuffed animal that I've been given through the course of my life. Things we treasure are given away, sold, bought, and we move on to new experiences.

This paradigm is also true in the spiritual world. It is often necessary for us to discard cherished beliefs we had at one point in our life, to be faithful to our experiences with God. Leaving behind old truths, changing our minds, growing is painful. We need to remember that God didn't create us with beliefs already instilled in our being, we were taught the things that we believe. For many of us our beliefs that were taught were reinforced by experiences. But many of us, most of us, accepted the things being taught with little or not reflection or questioning. Well first, how could we? Many of us were quite young at the beginning of our spiritual education. And secondly if we came into contact with spirituality at a later time, we trust the 'experts' and the 'experienced' to tell us what it all means, how it should be, feel, where the boundaries are.

I remember when the idea of going to hell became very real for me. I was at summer camp as a middle school student and we were talking about the grace of God, how by believing in him (and be sure that they had the step by step ways to do that) you would be in this society of the saved. It was that easy. The ones who questioned, who lived their lives outside of the procedure, those who didn't believe "GASP!" were going to be going to this firey, dark, Godless place and it was our jobs as the saved ones to influence them to make a change.

I came back from camp realizing that I knew a lot of people who fit the unsaved, and I was scared for them, I was scared what God would say if I didn't save them. I became friends with people who thought the same way I did, I shunned people who didn't. I became very vocal, calling people out on their missteps, my friends, my family. I was God's little moral judge.

I remember having a conversation with a friend of mine who was Bahá’í. She bravely went to our Christian school everyday believing in something that looked different than all of us. I tried to talk to her about Jesus, I tried to save her from the firey gates of hell, and she was so patient and gracious with me. I told her Jesus was the only one and reminded her of what the Bible said would happen to her if she didn't believe. How ignorant, how ridiculous, and how hypocritical of me. I hadn't even read all of the Bible, I didn't even know which scripture to quote to her. I hadn't learned about the Bahá’í faith that they did know and study Jesus, but also studied other religious figures such as Buddha, Muhammad, and Abraham. I ignorantly condemned this friend of mine to hell in the name of love for her and love for God.
Where's grace in that? If anything God's grace is being showered down upon me in my terribly real human faults.

It wasn't until I came to college where I began to question and reform my beliefs. I became a Phi Lamb as the same person I was in highschool: judgmental, unwavering and had all the answers. My experience and knowledge of God was stronger and better than anyone else's, I was going to be a pastor and that made me special. It was like God had given me a special talent to judge, direct and counsel people in the straight and narrow paths.

I became chaplain my sophomore year and everything started to crash. People started to come to me with questions and problems that I couldn't answer or speak to their experience. So I watered it down, I tried to give them black and white answers, I gave them what they wanted to hear or I made them feel like they needed to change for the sake of their salvation. I didn't necessarily do that with my words as much as I did with my way of leading. In the midst of their questions I began to question on my own, while trying to keep the facade all together.

I went through about a year of deep questioning. My junior year I took a big step back from Phi Lambs, from church, from God. I looked at my experience, and I thought of the experience that those girls and others had shared with me. I realized that in order for me to believe in the full potential of God's grace and the power of Jesus that I needed to expand my view, and I needed to let go of the nitty gritty. I was inspired by Isaiah, "O Lord, you are our Father. We are the clay, and you are the potter; we are ALL the work of your hand." (Isaiah 64:8).

My junior year and most definitely into my senior year (more to come here: spiritual crisis) did I begin to realize that the God I was coming to know was the God who had much wider arms than I had perceived. His hand and his reach are much farther than I could ever imagine, and I believe that's what Jesus was sent down here to tell us. I started to realize that God wasn't done speaking to us when the Bible was created, He is still speaking to us and to me and sending us new messages everyday.

I am thankful for my time as a conservative, unwavering, got it all together Christian. I believe that many of the things that I learned in that time were true and even though I don't necessarily believe what I believed then, it helped me to become the person I am today and the person I still am becoming.

Rooster!

So this past weekend I FINALLY got to see my Rooster.


There's something about when Liz and I get to see each other that makes me just feel such pure joy. It's like that feeling when you are in preschool, and you go to school having seen your friend the day before but are so excited to see them again that its like you haven't seen them in forever! Except for the fact that I haven't seen her since January and before that I hadn't seen her since June.

Liz was my college roommate my sophomore and senior year, and I can't believe it that she has never ever judged me during that time and beyond. We both have changed so much since then, but when we see each other or talk on the phone its like we've never skipped a beat. It's comforting to know, and I'm so thankful to know that I have her in my life. Where no matter what I do, whom I change into, where I am, that we are always going to be friends. Our relationship has never been about who we are at that moment, or the choices we are or aren't making, or the proximity of where we live. It's always been about a loyalty and connection that we feel towards each other that transcends the changes and challenges of life.

She's been through the thick and thin with me. Has always listened to me rant, cry and work things through my head. She offers advice and encouragement but never judgment. She allows me to be me, and loves me for it. And I can't begin to express how grateful I am for her and her friendship.

If Grace is True

So I'm rereading this wonderful book called, "If Grace is True" by Philip Gulley and James Mulholland. It's an interesting little book and will gently shake the foundations of your faith. I read it about twice a year and each time I've reexamined what it is that I hold true. The next few postings will probably be inspired from what I'm reading.

I become so intrigued by believers who feel like they have all the answers. I'm sorry, but I feel a little uneasy about a 20 year old telling me that they know all the answers. No but seriously, I can't imagine how constricted they must feel at times, how small and black and white life must look. I'm not trying to point fingers and to criticize, I've been there. I referred to scripture for everything, I prayed about everything, and judged everything/everyone to either be right or wrong. *Disclaimer: I'm not saying that referring to scripture, praying, or judgment is wrong. But I do believe that when you make that your entire spiritual life or life in general, when you limit yourself to experiencing God in only those ways, you are restricting yourself from the fullness of God.

We (Christians) are so quick to carve our beliefs into stone, the initial experiences we have become what everything needs to measure up to, becomes our law that we judge everything according to. We are so focused on the prize to be won (salvation) and getting others on board with us that we miss out on the real gift of grace, being thankful that its already been given to us. Christ is radical and came to bring a radical message, "Love and I'll take care of the rest." Love is a broad word. It doesn't map out for us how we should go about doing that, he just says to love. That's kind of uneasy for many of us, it puts us in a vulnerable place, especially those of us(I'll be the first to identify in this way) who need to know the expectations and the rules.

It takes powerful experiences to soften the heart and mind to be molded in new ways. That means that sometimes we are going to feel lost, out of our comfort zone, we are going to meet people who aren't like us, it means we are going to make many different types of decisions and experience a very colorful life. And God forbid it might even mean that we change our minds about certain things we held so tightly to be true.

Thank God for Grace.

Britter's got a new job!!!

So after being on the job hunt for about a month.... I AM EMPLOYED!!!
And to make it even better I had 2 agencies hungry for my employment.... HAHA!! It's nice to have people fighting for you to work for them, its a good feeling.

So September 2nd I will start my new position at Hope Alliance as a Violence Prevention Specialist. I'll be facilitating a couple of groups a week, but also creating a violence prevention program collaborating with other agencies and people in Williamson County. I'm really excited to create a program on my own and to make connections with people to make services better here. YAY!

Also today my little sister Maisey is going to college! EEK!! Wow, I can't believe its really happening. She makes me so proud and I am so excited for her to be able to go out west. She is going to have a blast. My first day at SU seems like yesterday but also seems like it was an eternity ago. I've grown into a completely different person than who I was the first day I stepped onto campus.

I'm just so proud of her and I know she's going to love college life!

Sorry this is a really random post...

:)

Have a blessed week!

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

Seems to be what I'm up to tonight... No not singing the Jack Johnson song that above title probably reminds you of.

I'm content... I just ate a crawfish salad (field greens, tomato, black bean and corn salsa, pickled oninons, avacado, crawfish and REMOULADE!) Then for dessert I had a lemon bar... mmmm mmmm. I know you are dying to know what I eat for dinner, so I thought I'd share.

I'm sitting here in Austin Java, content. My belly is full, I'm eavesdropping, writing, and feeling much better than yesterday's post.

My grandmother sent me a poem today in the mail and it gave me a perspective on what's going on in this life I was loathing yesterday. I'm a hare, not a tortoise. I want to be at the end as soon as I can, and take the shortest route possible. Slow and steady wins the race right? Oh but its so hard for me to become a tortoise.

Right now I want to be married, kids in college, with someone I love and have grown an old with. Silly huh? I want to be there. Not that I am ready to be there, but it pains me not to be. I don't want the pain, the falling flat on my face, the wrong turns. I haven't quite figured out why I'm so leary of the rough patches.

It takes reminding, like this poem did for me, that its the JOURNEY ("Don't stop believin!!") that's going to make the kids in college, retiring from a career, and sitting on the porch with the one I love in our rocking chairs watching the sun go down, feel so rewarding.

Thank you Grandma Sandy for your timing in sending me this:

ITHAKA

As you set out for Ithaka
hope your road is a long one,
full of adventure, full of discovery.
Laistrygonians, Cyclops,
angry Poseidon - don't be afraid of them:
you'll never find things like that one on your way
as long as you keep your thoughts raised high,
as long as a rare excitement
stirs your spirit and your body.
Laistrygonians, Cyclops,
wild Poseidon - you won't encounter them
unless you bring them along inside your soul,
unless your soul sets them up in front of you.

Hope your road is a long one.
May there be many summer mornings when,
with what pleasure, what joy,
you enter harbours you're seeing for the first time;
may you stop at Phoenician trading stations
to buy fine things,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
sensual perfumes of every kind -
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
and may you visit many Egyptian cities
to learn and go on learning from their scholars.

Keep Ithaka always in your mind.
Arriving there is what you're destined for.
But don't hurry the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years,
so you're old by the time you reach the island,
wealthy with all you've gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.

Ithaka gave you the marvellous journey.
Without her you wouldn't have set out.
She has nothing left to give you now.
And if you find her poor, Ithaka won't have fooled you.
Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,
you'll have understood by then what these Ithakas mean

An alternative translation of "Ithaka"

Constantine P. Cavafy

Control

I'm a self proclaimed control freak.

When things are out of my hands and I can't have any influence over the outcome, I turn into the worst version of myself.



When I can lead the horse to water but can't make it drink, I'll try and drown it. (Animal right activists, this is simply a metaphor).


Right now most of my life has jumped out of my reach to be able to control. I've found myself living in different circumstances than I had anticipated, and planned. I had a hand in controlling the destiny I saw myself living. But things out of my control happened, well 'happened' is such a mundane word compared to my life... seized fits.

So right now I'm learning to be content with the way things are now, but I'm not necessarily happy about it. I'm dealing, because that's the only thing that I really have control of, and to lose control of that would be too much. So right now I'm controlling the dealing.

Dealing is funny, well not really... Right now I don't even know if what I'm doing is dealing. I'm just kind of in this angry place, pouting because I'm not where I was planning on being.

To my green eyes

Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
And I come here to talk
I hope you understand

That green eyes, yeah the spotlight, shines upon you
And how could, anybody, deny you

I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter, now I’ve met you
And honey you should know, that I could never go on without you

Green eyes

Honey you are the sea
Upon which I float
And I came here to talk
I think you should know

That green eyes, you’re the one that I wanted to find
And anyone who, tried to deny you must be out of their mind

Cause I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter, since I met you
Honey you should know, that I could never go on without you

Green eyes
Green eyes

Ohohohohooooo
Ohohohohooooo

Ohohohohooooo
Ohohohohooooo

Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand

On to the next puzzle piece

I seem to be at a new place in life, even though I didn't necessarily want to be here. I found out last week that Lifesteps (the agency I work for) lost our state funding. So what that means is I'm out of a job as of Aug. 29th. Oh dear.

That's the part of working in nonprofit that you just have to accept. Funding and opportunities come on conditions, so I kind of knew that this might happen, but it doesn't make it any easier. This job fell in my lap, and while I'm hoping that another job comes to me as easily as this one did, I know full well that it probably won't. The economy has gotten worse since then, and unemployment is at an even higher number.

And honestly its not about the money that I'm saddened by, its two things that are an even bigger loss to me. It's about leaving the amazing kids I worked so hard with this past year, knowing that they are probably going to be looked over in services and many of them will end up going down the slippery slope that I tried so hard to divert them from. Many of my kids have parents who are incarcerated, drug users, dealers, abusers, can't get a break, unemployed, working 3 jobs just to put some food in their bellies. I know that without services similar to what we provide, many of these children will end up much like their parents, either as a product of their own demise or as a product of the screwed up system that this country runs on, where more and more people can't get up on their feet. I worked hard at my job to make the lives of my kids better, to let them know that they had the potential to refuse the low expectations that they had been given and to accept that they were special, capable and cared about. I'm sad that if this message isn't reiterated that my work will have been for nothing.

I'm also very sad about leaving this family that I have found in Lifesteps. My biological family lives in Dallas, and so many times hard to feel like someone is looking out for me because that physical connection to my family back home isn't there. So the friendships and connections I have made at this place has given me something to look forward to when I wake up and drive to work each morning. I have the best boss in the world, who trusts me and encourages me, and leads me by her example of the hard work she gives everyday. She doesn't demand respect from me because she's already earned it. The executive director of our agency is the most kind hearted woman I've ever met, she not only cares about your life but she invests in it. She makes you feel like you are capable to go and take on the world. And each person here I've become comfortable around, and I feel bonded to these people in a similar mission.

But I'm hopeful that I will find something that fits my skills and my drive. I hope that I will find somewhere that will continue to allow me to explore where my gifts can intersect with the needs of the world. I have a lot to learn about the world before I become a pastor, and Lifesteps has taught me quite a bit. So I know that where God is taking me is going to be the next step in that journey. I'm moving to the next puzzle piece.

My attempt at artsy fartsy

Baby Sadie Feet







District Line

Leisha Haley... wow...

apples in london market



dying flowers













driving home

scuba?

subway

one of my favorite people in the world

drinkin

addict

strawberry

wine tasting

blue water

boat