It's been awhile

Sorry, I know I get on to many of you because you haven't updated your own blogs, and yet I neglect my own.

But I thought no one really read this thing and it was only for my own therapeutic needs. But I found out this week that I have a trusted reader! Shout out to Brittany thanks for the love! :)

Well things are going well. I'm living on campus now, lovin and enjoying life. Most of my days consist of going to work and coming home to my girl :) Can't complain. We are doing pretty well, taking things a day at a time, and enjoying the time we spend with each other. I wake up every morning wondering what it was that I could have done to deserve a person like her in my life. She's my best friend and true companion, and I love and feel about her more than anyone else my heart has come into contact with.

Most people have been supportive of us. It's been a long road and having those people to cheer us on a long the way has helped boost us with confidence in who we are. We had no clue many of our Phi Lamb friends would be so supportive and so inclusive. We assumed that this group would be the most homophobic, but we were the ones who were presumptuous in our judgment. So thank you if you have been a part of that group who has supported us as a couple and who have never treated us any differently because of this new part that you now know about who we are.

But it has been hard losing friendships, family members taking a step back, and many times having to hide who we are to individuals in our community for the sake of our jobs. It outright sucks. I remember when we started to decide to be out to a select few, I remember the fear we had of losing those we love for the one we love most. I felt like I had to choose. Or I was telling those who didn't understand that I was choosing her over being who I was to them. There was no question to me who I wanted to be, to me it wasn't a choice, it was something very biological, very emotional, very spiritual, everything that I knew within me wanted to be with this woman. A few people have asked me if I had thought that maybe I'm in this relationship because it was the next closest relationship to my ex, and I hadn't dealt with the trauma from that relationship.

If people would take the time to listen and accept that it has nothing to do with unresolved issues from the past within me, I had removed myself from my previous relationship long before I broke it off, for months even up to a year I had been hollow and not present in that relationship. I kept myself there because I thought it was the right thing to do, but I quickly found out that I could no longer do that. If people would realize that just because Jess and I didn't start out like a Disney movie relationship, and things were hard at first and we had to work through figuring out our sexuality while being in a relationship, doesn't mean that its a relationship set up for failure. If people would realize that I'm in love with this person for a reason, that she is someone that was worth working hard to be with, and that I'm happy because of where I am in my life and where I am is with this woman.

She's not leaving my life any time soon as far as we're concerned and when you shut her out you are shutting me out. My biggest wish is that those of you who are letting something stand in the way of accepting Jessica as a part of me, as a part of my life, would release that anger, fear, judgment, homophobia, loyalty to someone else, sadness. I know it might take some time, but I'm willing to help. I'm willing to work at the relationship with you in order for you to accept this large part of my life. Because when you tell me you love me for who I am, but you clearly don't accept this person in my life, you tell me that only certain parts of me are lovable.

I know I speak out of anger, sadness, and fear, things I'm asking many of you to release. We're in similar places just on the opposite ends of the scale. I want to be able to work hard for our relationship that is currently not the same because of the egg shells we are walking on around each other. It will take some time, but I want to all of us to release the hurt, pain and undesirable feelings that have been boiling the past year. I want you to be able to see first hand how happy I am, how in love I am. I want you to be able to know the best version of me because that's who I am when I'm with her.