Good times can't last forever, and stars can't be aligned for all time

So things are going exceptionally well.

I've started to settle into my new job at Hope Alliance, my love life is settling into a nice groove, I've got hobbies, I've found a wonderful church. Not a care in the world, well maybe there is.

I'm uneasy with goodness. I’m apprehensive with blessing. I feel suspicious during the valleys, knowing there is a hill coming ahead. I’d like to think that I’m an optimist, but I know the truth, I’m extremely pessimistic and paranoid about the hard times ahead. I know good times can’t last forever, and that the stars can’t be aligned for all time, so instead of enjoying the view for now I prepare myself for the tough times ahead. Most of the time I make my own thoughts which I see as the inevitable into self fulfilling prophecies. I’m looking for the next wrong turn, the next obstacle or the next argument, and I pounce on them to get them started before they’ve even decided to start in on me. It’s very difficult for me to just sit and enjoy now, not worrying about what’s ahead. I know that if I make the inevitable happen now, maybe it won’t surprise me, hurt me, or defeat me as much as if it had discovered me first.
But I’ve caught myself lately, having fun and not worrying about the future. Not worrying about the inevitable. I thought forever that if you just kept yourself guarded from life’s joys that when they hurt you in the end (because I thought fairy tales aren’t true) it would be easier to move on. But in that frame of mind I never felt safe, I always felt scared, abandoned, defeated, before anything ever happened. This time around, I began to see all the goodness in my life and realized that pushing those things out and not fully experiencing them was the real defeat. So I am allowing myself to feel the showers of love, goodness, grace and pure joy for as long as they stay with me. Knowing that there will be hills and mountains and freaking Mt. Everests to climb in my future. And if I haven’t allowed goodness to fill me up, I won’t be strong enough to climb to the top and over to the next set of good things that are in store.