Fighting the Fury

For about the last month now I've been having a lot of trouble controlling my anger.

It wells up inside of me so quickly and takes control of my every word and move. Its a demon wanting to explode through my skin and hurt others as bad as they have hurt me. Its a very physical anger, and many times has run my fist to a wall, a near by desk and once even through a plastic trashcan. I take it out on objects around me to release the power and strength behind the fury, I would rather hurt myself than the person I am upset with.

I've struggled with my out of control anger for quite some time now, and just when I think I have a hold on it and have wrestled it and defeated it, it comes back. It's so frustrating and so defeating when it returns. I've done very well in the last year and a half with not allowing myself to become physical when I become angry, I never want the people I care about to see that side of me, especially the relationship I am in now.

But it has been hard lately not becoming angry at the smallest things. I let the smallest, insignificant things allow me to become infuriated. When I come out of it, I wish I could go back and realize what I realize after coming out of it. This morning in the car ride to work I came to a realization that seems so simple and so easy: I can't control other people but I can control my reaction and myself.

In order to gain more control over my anger I need to have more control of myself. I'm allowing a monster to take over my life and the only way to defeat it is to never even let it in to begin with.

So this is my new mantra:
"I can't control other people but I can control my reactions and myself."