Bureaucratic Brick Wall

In the last month or two I’ve been in situations that have asked me to talk about my calling to ministry. In the past this would bring me great joy, it would put me back to the moments I was first aware of where God was leading me and I would feel those quiet moments of beckoning. Lately, it has been quite a different feeling. I’ve become frustrated and sad, well really mournful would be the correct terminology.
Currently I belong to a denomination that will not allow me to be ordained and to be a ‘self-avowed’ lesbian at the same time. Here’s what the book of discipline says, "While persons set apart by the Church for ordained ministry are subject to all the frailties of the human condition and the pressures of society, they are required to maintain the highest standards of holy living in the world. Since the practice of homosexuality is incompatible with Christian teaching, self-avowed practicing homosexuals* are not to be accepted as candidates, ordained as ministers, or appointed to serve in The United Methodist Church."
*Footnote -- " 'Self-avowed practicing homosexual' is understood to mean that a person openly acknowledges to a bishop, district superintendent, district committee of ordained ministry, board of ordained ministry, or clergy session that the person is a practicing homosexual."

I’m sorry, but I think my status would count me as ‘self-avowed practicing’. I live with my partner, I go to the grocery store hand-in-hand with my partner and one day I plan on making a life-time commitment to this partner. And when this happens I’m not going to keep her out of my life in ministry. So how am I supposed to get around this ‘self-avowed practicing’ bit? What happens when the bishop or district superintendent asks me before ordination? Do I lie, abstain from answering, or just throw it out there and hope that she or he will just let it roll over their backs? I’ve hit the bureaucratic wall, and I want to jump over it but I’m afraid they will throw me back over to where I started.

I know what I feel like is the right thing for me to do but I’m afraid I won’t get very far. I feel like after much prayer and reflection on my calling, I’m being called to continue, just as God created me. Not silently, not timidly, not wearing a mask. I’m to shake the rafters and advocate for change by being exactly who God created me to be, and that includes my sexual orientation, that includes Jessica.

Ministry means the world to me, and for me it’s a personal calling to the United Methodist Church. I could move on and go to another denomination who accepts me and wants me in their church. But I feel specifically called to this church that Wesley started. I have deep roots in this tradition, my theology is based off of the fluidity that this denomination provides and deep rooted heart for the poor and oppressed that we share with its founding members inspires me. To leave and go somewhere else is not an option for me.

So I’ve hit the bureaucratic brick wall and I don’t know how to continue going on. To tell you the truth I’m scared to go on. Its going to be an uphill battle no matter what. I hear God’s call, it’s getting louder and clearer every day, but the wall seems bigger and bigger the closer I get to it as well.