What's new with me

I feel like all I've been doing is getting out my thoughts on here, but I really haven't updated anyone one my current life. So here ya go:

I've started my groups in the elementary schools! YAYAYA! I've waited too long to get out of my office and now I'm actually doing what my job description states. I currently have 14 groups of students ranging from K-5th grade. Most days I go into the schools and teach a curriculum that is all about making healthy choices, making friends, dealing with feelings, and playing lots of games and coloring! Each group is usually about 6 kids each (give or take). I have about 80 kids that are all mine! It's a lot to keep up with but I love each one of them, maybe a little too much because I want to adopt each one of them.

Here's my schedule so far:

Mondays:
9 Am staff meeting
11-1 pm Blackland Prairie Elementary
4 pm- Texas Baptist Children's Home
6pm- Strengthening Families Program (I'm also working in another program)

Tuesdays:
10-2 Blackland Prairie Elementary
2:30-3:30- Cooper Elementary

Wednesdays:
10-2 Blackland Prairie Elementary

Thursdays:
This is my paperwork day where I am in my office all day

Fridays:
Union Hill Elementary:
9:45-11:15

Double File Trail Elementary:
11:30-1:00

I find that I am so exhausted at the end of the day and its because I have to have the same amount of energy for each group. Most of my groups are Kinders and First graders, so I'm doing a lot of "dont hit her!" "MISTER HUGHES, we do not touch things that aren't ours." "Carolyn, snorting milk up your nose won't mean that it will come out of your eyes." So I feel like a babysitter/camp counselor/probation officer/mother/drill seargent/lunch lady all the days of the week. Oh and I didn't mention that most of my groups are at lunch so I'm having to gather them from their individual rooms, take them down to the cafeteria and get their lunch, get back to our assigned room and eat lunch (and really i just open things and clean them up during this time), teach them my lesson, and take them back to their rooms all within 30 minutes. It's madness!!

But I really do love it. I love being able to see each child really digesting the attention that I give them. If they want a hug I freely give it, if they want discipline (which many of them are crying out for) I freely give it, if they want encouragement or attention I give it to them, because I know for most of them they do not get this opportunity at home.

Last week I taught that each one of them is special and unique. We are alike in that we have eyes, and noses and mouths, we each come from a family. But all of these things might not look alike. Next week we are talking about feelings and how to handle anger, so I'm anxious to see what will come out of it.

The Fury

Right now I'm reading James Fry's "My Friend Leonard" its the sequel to "Million little pieces."

The way he describes anger as "the fury," not as simply as "fury," but "THE fury". That rises up within him and takes him over when he becomes angered. It's this uncontrollable anger that creeps up within him and takes over his actions.

Something in a book has never resonated with me in this way. I feel much of what James feels when anger strikes. I feel it creeping up from the very most dark corner of my being and spreading like a swarm of locusts into the rest of my body. It takes over my breathing, my heart rate, my muscles feel as if they are supercharged, my legs become very stiff, and my gaze very very narrow. I have all the power to strike something, or break it or throw it to the ends of the earth. I never really want to hit people, at least I don't think. I always want to/ or end up taking it out on inanimate objects such as walls or doors.

I know this is kind of a behavior that shows that I'm out of control of my emotions and feelings, but I've become better at suppressing it. I don't want the everyday person to see me punching a wall, they might have me committed, so I've learned to suppress the actions. Oh but that fury, it still rises and rises until there must be some breaking point. Usually I just try and get my mind off of the cause of my anger, but lately that's been hard to do, so I think I need to find another antidote.

I really just want it to end.

Luna

I have decided to save up my money and buy a puppy next summer. Well there are a lot of factors in it, but hopefully I won't be living in an apartment, and hopefully I will have the time to take care of it. If I don't I will just keep waiting until I do.

But I want a brown and white boston terrier.

I saw one the other day at Petsmart, which I cant stand that place. They are cruel to those dogs! But I frequently visit there imagining myself breaking those dogs free of those terrible cages.

Anyways, there was this beautiful light brown and white boston. She was sooo pretty and I really just wanted to take her home with me. When she turned around to show play with another dog in the cage I saw this white mark on her neck that looked like a moon! So in honor of this dog I think I will name my Boston Terrier Luna (like the moona! hahaha!)

Laundromat encounters

The other night when I got home from seeing my family I had some laundry to do so I decided to grace the local laundromat with my presence. I thought it might be a nice relaxing night, I was going to take a book and be on my own for a couple of hours, able to get away and just enjoy the company of myself.

Well I got there around 7:30 and stumbled in with my undergarments, sheets, and clothes from the week before. I looked around for a group of open washers where I could set up shop for the next couple of hours. As I was putting my sheets in the washer a younger man (maybe late 20's) walked by and looked me up and down, so I shot him and look that made his buddies chuckle and jeer at him.

I then went to find a chair where I could see my clothes to keep an eye on the cycle. I pulled out my book and my iced tea and began to read. About a half of a page into my relaxing 30 minutes the young man who was interested in my assets came and sat down next to me. He started to hit on me and try and do everything he could to let me know that he was interested. I was blunt and told him that I wasn't interested.

He then asked me what the heck did I think that I was doing there. I told him laundry. He redirected his question, "no, what is a girl like you, (he meant white and educated and the reason I know this is because he asked me about SU) doing in a laundromat with a bunch of us (and he meant Latino)?" I then looked up and realized that I was the only woman in the laundromat, and the only white person as well. I kind of got a little intimidated and I think that he could tell. So he asked me about the book I was reading. I told him "My Friend Leonard, its about life after prison/rehab."

Well then our conversation took a whole different turn. I found out that his name is Roman, he's from Juarez Mexico and was brought here 5 years ago to fight in Iraq. I couldn't believe his story. The government had sent over recruiting officers over the border to the border town to get some new recruits. Well Roman was one of them. It promised him a better life, they told him that if he was smart enough he could fly airplanes or be in covert missions. This really intrigued him because life in Juarez was just not enough for him and he wanted a better life for his family and more importantly his sister. So the government brought him over to fight for this country. He served in Iraq for 5 years, flying planes and going on covert missions.

But now the government isn't granting him citizenship! He served the country for 5 years, and put his life on the line, thank goodness he came back alive, but the thanks he gets for it is being sent back to Juarez. Well of course Roman didn't want to do that, that wasn't an option for him. He tried to enroll in some classes to earn his degree but since he's not a citizen he can't get a decent job once he's done with classes, so why spend the money? So Roman is left to do construction work, even though he was smart enough to fly airplanes.

We had a long discussion about the war, politics, Hillary, Mexican-American culture. The stories that he told me about life in Iraq were horrifying. I asked him if he thinks that the media blows things out of proportion when it comes to the war. He said that they do spin it to make it sound like we are right to fight, but that they are also shielding our eyes from many of the terrors that all people soldier and Iraqi have to face in Iraq.

I asked Roman who he thought would do the best at president and to my surprise he said Hillary. Roman stated and I thought was ready to salute "I would love to have that woman be my commander." He thought that it is time to have a new perspective besides a white male. He also feels like she has the most perspective in what is happening in Iraq and in the United States.

Roman also commented on the lack of birth control in his culture. "I don't understand it. They will come over here to make a better life for themselves and then they just go and pop a bunch of babies out. How is that supposed to make life better? You are raising a bunch of children who will have to help you raise your other children down the line." He felt that that lifestyle helped foster assumptions and stereotypes of Latinos. "Latinos aren't promiscuous, but when all people see are a bunch of your babies running around and you can't control your life, that has an effect on me, that has an effect on the way all Latinos are portrayed."

That night was probably one of the most enlightening conversations I've ever had. I will admit that my ignorance and prejudices caused me to assume that I would be having to fight this guy and his advances off all night. But I was lucky, something happened and not by my own doing to get to know a fantastic person whose story I have truly truly been touched by. I hope I think about Roman a lot in my days ahead through this life. I hope that I will never lose sight of how lucky I am, the sacrifice that has been made for my safety, be involved with what's going on in the world and realize that when you move past stereotypes and fears that a lovely and intriguing person is waiting to touch your life. Thank you Roman.

East to West

Here I am Lord and I’m drowning, in Your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me, I yearn for peace and rest
I don’t want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight
I know you’ve cast my sin as far as the East is from the West
And I stand before You now as though I’ve never sinned
But today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Chorus:
Jesus can you show me just how far the east is from the west
‘Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
‘Cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I’m in
Today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
from You leaving me this way

I know You’ve washed me white
Turn my darkness into life
I need Your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can’t live by what I feel
About the truth Your word reveals
I’m not holding on to You
But You’re holding on to me
You’re holding on to me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s6zdihmwy1M

The imagery in this song just really gets me to the brink of tears almost every time I hear it. I feel like this song depicts where I am in my spiritual journey right now. I feel like I'm yearning for peace and rest, and have been yearning for God to show me just how powerful his way truly is. He's slowly taking me there, and showing me things one at a time, and I feel anxious at times to just get there already, but I believe he's doing this slower than I would prefer so I can recognize his voice.

I really didn't realize how much the storm I've been in was drowning out so much truth about myself and about God. It's a strange thing when you don't realize you are unhappy and you aren't living the life you were meant to live. It's a violent and terrorizing storm. It's like driving in a hurricane all of your life thinking that this is the only weather that there is, so you'd better be happy about it. But when you finally come out of it and experience the sun warm on your face and illuminating everything around you, you truly feel newborn.

Could it really be true that God's grace spans as far the east is from the west? To think of grace in those terms is truly mind blowing to me. I no longer have to fit my life into a mold where I must put boundaries on my life for salvation's sake. Is there really no mold? These are questions that God is slowly answering in my life. Earlier I talked about the idea that Jesus didn't come to provide a mold for us all to try and squeeze ourselves into, he came to break it! There is a way of love and a grace that truly transcends the ways of this earth. And for us to put limitations and EXPECTATIONS on ourselves because of the ways of this life is restricting and putting limitations on what God can make of us.

I have found now that I am allowing God to truly show me how vast His ways are I am able to see the picture of what I really am/can become.

Courage

I bought a new book on Saturday called "The Courage to be" by Paul Tillich. So far it's pretty good. It's a bit intellectual for me, but I think its what I need to feed that part of me.

He talks about the dilemma and the struggle modern man has with anxiety (this is a much broader term to him than we think). He really breaks down the way he sees fear and the will to overcome. So right now I think that's what I'm trying to concentrate on and make my focus in my continued study.

In the fall I'm going to start leading a bible study. It's something that I've felt my heart being pulled towards for quite sometime now and I think now is the time to do it. I feel like I actually have the time to give in order to lead one. I feel like I'm losing a lot of the basics that I know about Christianity. Faith, prayer, Jesus, etc. And I have a lot of questions about all of those things, so I think I'll be probably focusing it towards those themes.

This prayer is next to my desk and I thought I would share:
Prayer of St. Francis
Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

Prayer

This song has been on my heart lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXWdhRvNXME

I come to you, oh god, in the stillness of my heart
I need your healing and your voice in the stillness of my heart

Speak to me and show me who you are
rescue me with your unfailing love and mercy
speak to me and show me who you are
Hold me tightly in your arms and never let me go

I hear you calling out my name in the stillness of my heart
your grace is given me again, now I open my heart

I remember singing praises to your name every day with all my might
How I long to sing to you again

Many Thoughts

So I really love to fish.... My dad, sisters and i used to go a lot when I was younger. I remember that being one of my most favorite times with my dad. I just really loved hanging out with him and wanting to be able to fish just like him. Well yesterday amid my busy things that I needed to do this weekend decided to go fishing.

I didn't really catch much except a couple of perch, but there was an exciting moment to my evening. I cast my line out in the middle of these reeds in the water thinking that the fish would be feeding around there at that time of night. Well as I was reeling my line back in something caught it and I jerked it back in order to hook the fish (or what I thought was one). Well when I jerked it back a second time to bring it in, my line jumped up out of the water and on the end of it was SNAKE! Now this is not my 1st encounter with a snake (well the first time it was a chord moving in the dark which I thought was a wall climbing snake) this week so I thought I was going to piss my pants. So I quickly cut my line and ran back to my car with all of my things ready to try again in the morning.





So Jessica and I have found a new church! I'm really excited about this place! It's called Hyde Park UMC. It's in Austin which is a bit of a drive, but I love taking Sunday drives. hydparkmethodist.org. They were so welcoming the first time that we visited. I really enjoyed the diverse ages that were represented, it was like they weren't going to allow that aspect break them apart from being open to worship. The pastor is named Cheryl, last week was the first time for us to hear her speak adn I really enjoyed it. The church used to be a dying church, and in my opinion still has the wounds of one. But they are healing. They committed their church to become more open and more inclusive, this has done wonders to their congregation and to the life of that church. They are all so excited to be there worshiping and fellowshiping together and to welcome others who will come. Plus they have free breakfast and lunch every sunday. They also are very concentrated on social justice, which has become a rising passion in me. The pastor is going thru the book of Acts as a sermon series this summer and many of her sermons have had this as the theme. This week I'm flying solo and I'm going to go visit the 9:30 contemporary service. There will be some college kids and seminary students there so I'm excited to meet the young crowd.

It just feels so wonderful to be comfortable in church again. I'm beginning to see Jesus and I walking next to each other again. I've had this vision of myself & what my relationship with Christ has looked like for the past 3 years. It's like when I used to get angry with my parents and I would storm off and walk ahead of them as fast and as furious as I could and I would glance back every now and then and they would be walking right behind me at their own pace, keeping an eye on me as I tried to do my own thing. I feel like He's been just right back there watching me and waiting for when I would turn around and ask him to walk next to me. I feel like I'm getting there.

My view of Christ has been so tainted. It's been this view of a man who came down to earth to tell us how it is and how it should be. I bought into this Jesus and tried to conform my life to fit into this constricting and suffocating model. I pushed away so many people that really needed to just know that they were loved and accepted for who they were. I most definitely pushed myself the absolute farthest away and began convincing myself that I really was this other person that everyone was telling me that I was. Christ was a man who brought a model of new rules and new conformities. At first I didn't mind becoming this person that lived by the rules laid before me, it was pretty easy for the majority of my young life, but the longer I did that the harder it was for my real spirit to continue to be silent.

I've come to the realization that Christ did not come to bring a new mold. He came to break the mold. If you look in the Gospels he was constantly speaking about a new way of life. I believe ( and I don't know if this is too radical or not radical enough) but I believe that the way that Christ came to show was to simply live life in love. When we do that everything else falls into place. So putting constraints and conformity to your life is not allowing yourself to do this fully, because so many times these lines that we draw for ourselves to live in push so many others out.

No wonder I wanted to run away from this Christ that I had been presented with since I was a child. It wasn't a true representation of who he really was. I couldn't live a life with this Christ. The white, conservative, homophobic, elitist who was constantly commanding me what to do and who to seperate myself from. For so long a personal relationship with Jesus meant making my life look PERFECTLY like his. But I believe now when Jesus says, "follow me," or "I am the way," or "take my example", this means to not become Jesus by only concentrating on ourselves and the scriptures that make us look good, but to mainly look at those around us and to see how our lives can be molded and shaped by loving them and by learning more about God through them.

I know this sounds like a very flighty type of Christianity, call it what you will. It's still in the works for me. But I believe that this life is all about living it and yeah we have a place to look forward to after this life which we should be excited about, I do validate that there is a heaven. But if we are constantly keeping our eyes on that part of eternal life we are keeping ourselves from learning in this part of it, and there is so much to learn if we only allow ourselves to live it.

Thoughts for July 18th

So I'm realizing that this is the time in life to really screw up. Well maybe not in that crude of terms, but really, right now is the perfect time for mess ups and mishaps.

I used to get so hung up on things, I felt like I had to perform at such a perfect level, and in turn I was constantly letting myself down. I don't really know where that comes from, being the oldest child, being an athlete, growing up in an elitist Christian environment.

It's so hard because there's this unspoken (and for many of us clearly spoken) expectation to be sure of everything. Be sure how you feel, be sure what you're going to do in life, be sure of where you are going, etc. I used to be there, had my 10 year plan. Then it completely changed, I'm not even close to where I thought I was going to be 5 years ago, not even a year ago.

I remember talking to my dad one time about my life, and he shared somethings about his own life with me. He told me that when living your life mistakes will happen and things do change, but if you don't accept that you will never know what it means to live your life. Mistakes and changes teach you more about who you are and what this world is about. If we didn't screw up every once in awhile and things didn't go our way every now and then, our lives wouldn't have any stories to tell.

I just really think that life is about living it.

Does it hurt to be nice?

Alright so right now let me update you on the situation....

I'm sitting outside at the Domain, catching up on my independent study, and being stared down by this psycho brand-name woman.

I really didn't think that the day would happen when I would want to wip out my brass nuckles.

I'm sitting across from starbucks and there are these lovely comfy chairs outside, in the shade, and right by an outlet so I can charge my laptop. She is sitting there with all of her bags from her day of shopping spread around her. There is a chair next to her which I clearly was under the impression that it wasn't taken. So I waltz over there to ask politely.

I ask and she spits something out at me in another language, no I did not misundertand her, it was clearly not English. So I asked again and this time I swear she said no. So I began to set my stuff down thinking I could just sit quietly and do my work. Then all of a sudden she jumps from her chair, points at me and shouts "I TOLD YOU THAT I WAS USING THAT CHAIR!" So I quickly back off and go to the other side of the courtyard to sit on the hard concrete near the screaming playground.

I then look over and see her place her bags that were on the floor onto the chair that I really wanted to sit it. She then caught my eye and said... "Hey... (insert bad word here), what the hell are you looking at?"

And here's where I was torn, I really just wanted to answer "Hey crazy psycho in your Gucci shadeware, I'm looking at you and am appauled that you could possibly want to treat someone the way that you have me." But instead I said, "nothing." She then started walking over towards me and said, "you're looking at nothing? NOThing?" You think that this body is nothing? I guess I'd be lookin too, in ENVY"

Then I made the mistake of speaking... "Miss I don't know you so I don't know if your body is really worth anything." Haha! I didn't really mean to say it like that, but I crapped it up. She then began to morph into a mix between the Disney movie's version of Cruella D'ville, a gremlin, and a piece of old licorice you'd find underneath your couch from a movie night 3 years ago. I thought she was going to open her Fendi bag and a little demon was going to take me to the underworld.

Then she screamed something else at me in the language she spoke earlier, and I wanted to be like "HAH! I KNEW YOU WERE SPEAKING TO ME IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE!" But I didn't remained calm and began to ignore her, while secretly wishing that a local squirrel would come bite her in the tatas. And now she is trying to stare me down... really I can feel that old licorice evil glare.

Seriously... it was just a chair, and obviously a misunderstanding. Would it hurt her just to get off her crack and just be nice to me?

Whispers of Sweet Nothings

Alright so after reading yesterday's post I realize that it was a little ranty. I didn't mean for it to be a bash on Christianity but more of a splash of cold water to wake everyone up a bit.

Anyways, to counteract my negativity from yesterday I'll let you know what's going on in my life right now.

I'm living in Round Rock (friends come to visit!) with my new roommate Leigh Ann Mingle. We are sharing a lovely 1 bedroom, yes folks, 1 bed 1 bath apartment. We are going to become very close these next 5 months :). I love my apartment, we've got a great view. It's really like living in the canopy of the rain forest, animals and all (I.E. the largest bug that I've ever seen attacked our balcony the other day).

I'm working in Round Rock and looooove my job. Yeah I probably complain about it way more than I should, but its like any job and has its pains. But overall I love the people I work with. Oh yeah, how about I tell you where I work. I work at LifeSteps which is a nonprofit organization that offers free programs to teach drug and alcohol prevention. There are also a lot of other cool programs and counseling that is available. I'm working with a program called Kids Connection. I have 6 schools I'm responsible for in the Gtown and RR school district. I go into those schools and lead small groups made up of K-3 graders. We talk about Friends, and Making Good Choices, and Anger Management, and Diversity. All these kids are "at risk youth" which are children that have been exposed to drug and alcohol abuse in their families or they meet a certain criteria that makes them susceptible to that.

Basically I color all day at my desk in my office or I am in the schools hanging out with kids all day long! I haven't gotten to actually do it yet, but I am so excited to start with my kids!

I'm trying to start playing volleyball again. I'm trying to read more. I'm trying to learn how to cook better food for myself when my roommate doesnt cook for me ( I love Leigh Ann!). I'm trying to do good things for my body outside when its not raining... that hasn't happened yet.

So basically I'm pretty busy, but I'm doing very well. I feel alive and like I can take on all of these things with so much energy. I feel renewed and refreshed and I'm ready for this next stage of my life!

Kelly Clarkson and Jesus

So I'm currently in the market for a new church. Over the past 4 years my views of spirituality and Christianity and of God have changed drastically, but I really haven't taken action to find a new church that can help cultivate that.

So I figure its time.

I really enjoyed the church I went to this past Sunday. It was called Congregational Church of Austin and here reads their mission statement...
"If you are looking for a small, friendly church where everyone will quickly know your name...where you'll be loved and accepted regardless of your age, class, race, ethnicity or sexual orientation...where you'll be challenged to reflect on your beliefs, acknowledge your doubts, ask your questions and grow in your faith...where God's desire for compassion, healing, reconciliation, and justice is preached...where you're given the opportunity to put your faith into action through effective outreach ministries...then we hope to get to know you as a new friend. No matter who you are or where you are in your journey, you are welcome here."

I loved it! During their announcements, the sermon, the hymns, everything was very much about justice. Right up my alley. Not to mention the pastor talked about Kelly Clarkson for about 20 minutes. Right now I'm planning on looking around to some others, but this one really made me think about my church back home and the church worldwide.

My church back home upsets me more and more everyday. The more I talk to people who go there about the problems and politics that arise, the more upset I get. I think it has to do with the fairytale faith that I had there before college being repainted for me. I can see that I was extremely naiive to the fact that there were people who didn't like each other, people who hated our pastor, people who ignored "non-white" visitors.

I honestly thought it was Disneyworld in my younger years. While most of my friends were going out to have fun, I would be at church everyday of the week trying to find something that I could do. I was sheltered from the politics and from the divides. Now I am extremely aware of what is going on and I don't even live there. And quite frankly it pisses me off to see how dead not only my church but the church worldwide truly is.

What I see as being the major problem with the community of faith in general is that there is a lack of action. And I honestly don't see how anyone can hear the gospel of Jesus and think that its just a pew-sitting frame of mind. Jesus didn't just stay in Bethlehem, he was a travelin man! The scripture this past Sunday at the church I visited was from Luke 11... "He said to another man, "Follow me." But the man replied, "Lord, first let me go and bury my father. Jesus said to him, "Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God."

Jesus proclaims, "Follow me." Follow him to the children, follow him to the hungry, to the sick, to the broken-hearted, to the hard-hearted, to the poor, to the oppressed, to the places that no one wants to go! If we just sit in the pew, bow our heads, say Amen at the right time and get up and go about our day as if we have not heard a thing, we are not where Christ is.

It is rare that I can find a church that is like the one I went to on Sunday. One that knows that being a "political church" doesn't mean having rifts between its members, but it means being a church who is not afraid to take a stand for the justice and freedom of others. You can't be a Christian and not be political is my philosophy. Jesus was extremely political. He constantly was a presence for the people, and was constantly taking a stand for the oppressed and marginalized.

Now I'm not saying that a church or even a person needs to take political sides (Democrat, Republican, Libertarian) based on what they think Jesus would do, because I don't see Jesus doing that in the gospels. What I do mean is that the church cannot turn its head from the world anymore, it can no longer be a place where we go on Sunday morning to escape the realness of what is going on in our day and forget about the faces, the bodies, the lives that we see and hear about.

Christ is calling the church into the world! He is calling the body of believers to be present among the oppressed and the marginalized. He is calling pastors to address hard and real issues. He is calling us to make a stand and to speak on the behalf of those who are unable to do so.

How powerful would this truly be if the church would just take the call of Christ seriously?

Seperation

Solid ground is a good feeling to have under your feet. For the past year, well maybe more than that, I felt like the soil has been eroding out from under me. I can remember the exact day and time when I comprehended what was happening to me.

It was last summer at a small little church near Grandbury, Texas where I felt the presence of God leave my side. Some would argue with me that God is never going to leave you, He's never going to step away from you. I would disagree because I felt it happen in the very depths of my soul. For a long time I had stepped away, I didn't pay much attention to anything except for the shiny glow that seemed to emit from me and the faces in awe of me as I stood there with my glowing charasmatic self.

I'm pretty sure God had enough of it. So he decided to take a break from wrestling with me. He left me to try and be shiny on my own. That didn't last for too long.

This past year has been hard without Him, but recently He's decided to try again. It's like I was being buried alive and didn't even realize it. I feel renewed and I guess you could say "reborn". I don't know if its just that He feels pity on me because of the mess that I was in, or if He is just bored and needs a new project, but I think grace falls somewhere in there as well.

NYC doesn't know what's coming to them!

Well, here I am... procrastinating my life away online...
Typing my first post while I'm watching Super Nanny reminds me of freshman year when I would find myself up in the "wee hours" of the morning gushing my heart out to Xanga.

But somehow maturity and adulthood has taken place and I'm a new woman!.....
HA! Who am I kidding?!!? I know I am the craziest person that you know. So here we are again... the blog has made its way back into my life.

Rooster came to visit me today. It was so wonderful to see her, even though it was for only a short while. She's been my rock this past year and has always listened to my drama, even when it has gotten to the point of being made into a Lifetime movie. And she's always known how to make me laugh and smile. She's moving to New York and I could not be more proud of her. We both are starting new phases in our lives and its exciting to see in each other. I'm going to miss my Lizard!

This is in honor of my roommate:

There Comes the Strangest Moment

"There comes the strangest moment in your life,
when everything you thought before breaks free-
what you relied upon, as ground-rule and as rite
looks upside down from how it used to be.

Skin's gone pale, your brian is shedding cells;
you question every tenet you set down;
obedient thoughts have turned to infidels
and every verb desires to be a noun.

I want- my want. I love- my love. I'll stay
with you. I thought transitions were the best,
but I want what's here to never go away.
I'll make my peace, my bed, and kiss this breast...

Your heart's retrograde. You simply have no choice.
Things people told you turn out to be true.
You have to hold that body, hear that voice.
You'd have sworn no one knew you more than you.

How many people thought you'd never change?
But here you have. It's beautiful. It's strange."
-Kate Light-