The Fury

Right now I'm reading James Fry's "My Friend Leonard" its the sequel to "Million little pieces."

The way he describes anger as "the fury," not as simply as "fury," but "THE fury". That rises up within him and takes him over when he becomes angered. It's this uncontrollable anger that creeps up within him and takes over his actions.

Something in a book has never resonated with me in this way. I feel much of what James feels when anger strikes. I feel it creeping up from the very most dark corner of my being and spreading like a swarm of locusts into the rest of my body. It takes over my breathing, my heart rate, my muscles feel as if they are supercharged, my legs become very stiff, and my gaze very very narrow. I have all the power to strike something, or break it or throw it to the ends of the earth. I never really want to hit people, at least I don't think. I always want to/ or end up taking it out on inanimate objects such as walls or doors.

I know this is kind of a behavior that shows that I'm out of control of my emotions and feelings, but I've become better at suppressing it. I don't want the everyday person to see me punching a wall, they might have me committed, so I've learned to suppress the actions. Oh but that fury, it still rises and rises until there must be some breaking point. Usually I just try and get my mind off of the cause of my anger, but lately that's been hard to do, so I think I need to find another antidote.

I really just want it to end.