Bring it!

Well things are definitely strange right now.

I'm currently living in my apt, by myself, hardly any furniture, and no television. My friends came over the other day and told me it looks like a bachelor pad. HAHA! But things are just kind of slow right now. They'll pick up after summer.

I was talking with my mom this weekend and she commented that she thinks I've done a lot of growing this past year. Which coming from her, I really appreciated and took as a great compliment. I love my mom and was really happy that I got so spend some good time with her this weekend. She's someone I have the greatest deal of respect and love for, so when she tells me something like that, I really have to mull over it for awhile.

I was thinking about what she said on the 5:45 am flight I had this morning from Dallas. It's been a loooong year. And thankfully I'm glad that its about to pass the year mark of when I broke off a wedding. I feel like earlier this year that's something I was defined by. It was a hard thing to do and come to terms with. Moving on with my life was hard too because not everyone outside of myself were ready. But I had to keep doing what was best for me and for the the pursuit of myself.

I graduated from college last year and had to start and make my mark in the working world. Even though I work in nonprofit its a new and crazy beast you have to learn how to tame. I've learned how to do my job well and how to show confidence in my abilities. This was something I didn't know how to do effectively.

I started to explore and come to an understanding of my sexuality. Something I always questioned, but quickly stopped in its tracks when I did. I never knew that this would be the thing that God would use to bring me more in tune with him. It was a struggle and a vomiting and recounting of all the confusing periods in my life that couldn't be explained at those times, and yet they seemed so normal when I was going through them.

I came to understand what my confusing feelings were for my best friend, and realized that this was love. Something that had permeated my heart farther and deeper than any person, experience, or feeling ever had before. This was the place in my life and the person that I felt most comfortable with as myself, stripped of all the facade and masks. I could be me, whatever that meant, even if that was changing.

Even though I had disposed of every inch of the person that I once was, and still have no clue who the complete me is, I am hopeful because I know full well that this is a life time process to figure out. There are going to be more years like this one. There will be more hurt and confusion, more joy and celebration, more scenic drives and more turning around to find another route. It's life, it can't be trying to make everything and every feeling comfortable and perfect.

So if there is another year in store like this past year, I'm ready for it. Bring it!