No Air

A Jihad for Love

Well, last night I went and saw "A Jihad for Love". It was one of the most amazing films I've seen all year. The director did an amazing job with the content of the film and the cinematography. Parvez Sharma joined us last night at the screening and an interesting discussion followed.

The film takes a very intense look at the global intersections between Islam and homosexuality. Parvez encountered twelve different countries and many different personal stories of hidden lives, guilt, abuse, and yes, hope.

"In Western media, the concept of ‘jihad’ is often narrowly equated with holy war. But Jihad also has a deeper meaning, its literal Arabic being ‘struggle’ or ‘to strive in the path of God’. In this film we meet several characters engaged in their personal Jihad’s for love. The people in this film have a lot to teach us about love. Their pursuit of love has brought them into conflicts with their countries, families, and even themselves. Such is the quandary of being both homosexual and Muslim, a combination so taboo that very little about it has been documented.

As a result, the majority of gay and lesbian Muslims must travel a twisting, lonely and often dangerous road. The majority of Muslims believe that homosexuality is forbidden by the Qur’an and many scholars quote Hadith (sayings attributed to the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him) to directly condemn homosexuality. Islam, already the second largest religion in the world is also the fastest growing. 50 nations have a Muslim majority. In a few of those nations laws interpreted from alleged Qur’anic prohibitions of male homosexuality (lesbianism is allegedly absent from the Qur’an) are enforced by religious, tribal or military authorities to monitor, entrap, imprison, torture and even execute homosexuals. Even for those who migrate to Europe or North America and adopt Western personae of "gay" or "queer," the relative freedoms of new homelands are mitigated by persistent racial profiling and intensified state surveillance after the attacks of 9/11 and train bombings in Madrid and London.

As a result, many gay and lesbian Muslims end up renouncing their religion completely. But the real-life characters of A "Jihad for Love" aren't willing to abandon a faith they cherish and that sustains them. Instead, they struggle to reconcile their ardent belief with the innate reality of their being. The international chorus of gay and lesbian Muslims brought together by "A Jihad for Love" doesn't seek to vilify or reject Islam, but rather negotiate a new relationship to it. In doing so, the film's extraordinary characters attempt to point the way for all Muslims to move beyond the hostile, war-torn present, toward a more hopeful future. As one can imagine, it was a difficult decision for the subjects to participate in the film due to the violence they could face. It took the filmmaker six years to finish this film and he like those who have stepped forward to tell their stories feel that they are Islam’s most unlikely storytellers. All of them feel that this film is too important for over a billion Muslims-and all the non-Muslims in the world-for them to say no. They are willing to take the risk in their quest to lay equal claim to their profoundly held faith.

A Jihad for Love’s characters each have vastly different personal takes on Islam, some observing a rigorously orthodox regimen, others leading highly secular lifestyles while remaining spiritually devout. As the camera attentively captures their stories, the film’s gay and lesbian characters emerge in all their human complexity, giving the viewer an honest rendering of their lives while complicating our assumptions about a monolithic Muslim community. Crucially, this film speaks with a Muslim voice, unlike other documentaries about sexual politics in Islam made by Western directors. In the hope of opening a dialogue that has been mostly non-existent in Islam’s recent history, and defining jihad as a “struggle” rather than a “war,” the film presents the struggle for love."

This film shed a new light on my faith and my sexuality. While I empathized with many of the real life characters in their struggle to embrace their sexuality and be loyal to their faith, I realized that my struggle was merely a light scuffle and their's a full out battle. I have never been afraid for my life, or would even be brave enough to have to defend my life because of my sexuality. I understand the struggle between faith and sexuality, its a constant battle. For a long time I felt guilty for the way that God created me. I felt like there was something that I must have done, or God knew that I would do, to have been created with this struggle inside of me. Growing up in a Christian home, going to a Christian school, and wanting to be a pastor caused a lot of guilt. I felt like I had to choose between my sexuality (yet I didn't know that's what it was at the time, or what even that looked like, was I straight? was I gay? was I bisexual?) and my faith. Even when I identified myself and liking boys, I still felt a huge tension between sexuality and faith. You didn't want to tempt your brother or cause him to stumble. I felt like I had to choose one or the other, so I chose faith, and in doing so repressed my feelings and exploration of sexuality. But if this is who God has created you as than how can you supress that? It is willed by God. God wants the very best of you, and that is how He created you.

I can't imagine being in a Muslim country where the "act" of homosexuality is punishable by death. There is this one scene in the film where a man named Imam Muhsin Hendricks, goes to a religious authority to talk to him about Islam and him as a gay man. The religious authority says that in Muslim countries that this is a crime its not a question of if they are going to kill you or not, the debate would be on exactly how they would go about killing you.

I don't understand why I am fortunate to live in a place where I might get the occasional stare walking down the street hand in hand with my girlfriend, instead of always looking over my shoulder to see who might see me lovingly brush her hair out of her eyes. I don't understand how loving someone can be punishable by death? And why the 'religious' have to feel so threatened by this. Does this in anyway harm their 'salvation'?

I whole heartedly back this movie.

I don't like being up in the air

Well a lot has happened since the last time I actually posted. And I guess right now I feel like actually writing about it.

Last Monday Jessica and I found out that our moving in together might have been a bit premature. We started a discussion about wants/needs and found out that ours didn't quite match up for the upcoming year. That conversation turned into us taking some steps back in our relationship. Which is hard. A lot of things are up in the air and are quite hard for the both of us right now.

We both love each other a great deal, its just we both are on different pages about our life. So that almost makes it harder because we still love each other a great deal, and there's really no bitterness or anger towards each other. No one did anything wrong, it just got to a cross roads.

So right now we're trying to figure out some things.

In the process of this happening I think I've been forced to look at my life and realize that there's not a lot to it. Except for the girlfriend and work, there wasn't much to me. So my therapist and I working on me right now, and developing healthy things for me. I'm really wanting to do this in a big way.

I'm going to go to a movie tonight @ SU. Tomorrow I'm not quite sure yet. Wednesday I'm going to a lecture and to therapy. I've got to find some other things to fill up my week. I'm trying to find some things that I'm interested in that aren't going to cost me too much. I was thinking about trying yoga again. I'm also going to be trying to go play volleyball with an austin meetups group on Saturdays. Hopefully, this will be something that I can do. I'm not very good at putting myself out there to meet new people unless I've got someone I know with me to help be my portal.

Here are my tentative goals for myself:

1. Find a sport to be involved in.
2. Find a group to volunteer with that promotes socializing.
3. Find some friends that aren't from SU or thru SU.
4. Find an interest group that I can join.

So thats what I've got so far. It's hard, and I'm trying to remain hopeful about the future. But for now I'm going to take things one step at a time and hopefully this will be okay.

I hope the next post won't be so depressing I'm sorry. :)

We'll rise above this...

Say

There are no words...

...to describe where I am right now.

A Jihad for Love

Loooong weekend

Jess taught me everything she knows about dancing!


Lil' Kim!


Alyssa! One of my fav. girls!



She looked absolutely stunning!


Littles!






This weekend was especially long. Started out working late Friday, going to a formal on Saturday (pictures above) , driving to dallas early sunday morning and driving back early early this morning.

The only constant in life is change...

How true is this? I think that this would probably be the underlying theme to my life. Even though change is constantly happening, I'm not necessarily good at rolling with it. You would think that 22 going on 23 years, I would have been used to this by now. When things are in that certain, perfect, ideal setting all I can think about is stopping time to sit and soak it in awhile. But I never am able to conjure up enough super human power to stop time, so I'm constantly running at the coat tails of whatever last enjoyable moment has just past to try and get it all back.

I'm working on keeping view of the present and yet to come though. I'm slowly trying to not look back. It's hard for someone who hates being out of control. I'm quite proud of myself actually. This year has been the year of change, brought on by yours truly. The growth that has happened because of this year is like reaching the summit of a mountain and looking down at all the crags and boulders that you had to wrestle around to get to the view you're at now.

Segue>>> I wish there would have been more preparation for real world life. It's been hard after college. You take a lot of things for granite and you aren't really thankful for the little things that make the world of difference when you don't have them anymore. It's so hard to meet people and make friends in the working world. After you graduate its like you've come to this moment of freedom that you've longed for for so long, but then you all of a sudden become aware of the drastic change that has just occurred.

You no longer have the comfort of the university that you called home, the friends that were very much like family and the luxuries of not having to pay bills, wake up at 6 am, or go to bed at 10. I wish people would just stop telling me to go and meet people, or to go out and have fun w/ other working people. It's like kindergarten all over again. You just want to piss your pants at the thought of having to make friends and you just want to continue to hang out with mom and baby sister all day.

It's a hard knock life... :)

I miss you

2 films

I have seen the top film and am awaiting the bottom trailer to come out on DVD.

What I've been up to lately...

Hmm... well... Since london:

I haven't done much but it seems like I have. I really want to start posting on here more, its just I feel like I don't have much to write about that's interesting. But that doesn't keep me from acting like this is a good way to procrastinate at work.

Well the night I got back from London I went and saw this amazing band @ SXSW



New celebrity crush: Leisha Hailey. AMAZING BAND!! And Leisha is the blonde in the pic, she plays Alice on the L word for those of you who aren't in the know.



My girlfriend Jessica and I are doing well. Everyday with her is wonderful and new and just incredible. I truly am happy with her but most importantly with myself. We've been through a lot as individuals and as a couple this year, but through it all we grow closer and closer. She took me to The Oasis a couple of weeks ago and here's the picture from that. :)





Work is going well. It's been hard this week. In this job I realize how many people do not deserve to be parents. It's a privilege to be a parent, and many don't see it that way. I'm gearing up to do groups this summer and to get the semester wrapped up.

Here are Britter's plans for the summer:

1. Move in w/ my girlfriend! more to come on this later.
2. Get my certification for work.
3. Go to Mexico con Colleen y Barn Barn, y Jessica of course :)
4. Go to Florida con Kate, Gordon y Jessica of course! :)
5. Save tons of money for loans, seminary, and a couple of items for myself.