Why Can't I be NORMAL?!!??!

This was my cry last night. Literally… I was crying this.

I’ve become pretty aware of myself lately, about what I do when I feel hurt, when I feel backed into a corner, and especially when I feel abandoned or the threat of being abandoned. I don’t know why, where it comes from, or if I can even change it, but I always, always, ALWAYS hurt the people I love the most. If I feel that you are going to hurt me, or even just the chance that you might in the future, I’m going to do everything possible to make you feel hurt before me.

Now mind you, being aware of this doesn’t stop me from doing it. Which makes it even more terrible. I’ve got this amazing girl friend, she’s my best friend, she creates in me a spirit that I have never felt or known, she amazes me with her love and the life that she lives that I am just honored to be a part of it. But I crush her, I hurt her, I get angry at the tiniest things that in the big scheme of things don’t matter. I don’t love her like she deserves to be loved. She deserves the world’s best girl, she deserves the world, she at least deserves respect, and for some reason its really hard for me to give that to her.

Its not just her, its everyone. My family, friends, lovers, coworkers. I’ve learned to keep people at a distance because I am aware of my temper and my way of working in this world. I don’t want you to get too close because I know you will eventually hurt me and so I’m not going to let you do that unless you can convince me it’s a good idea.

I take everything to be so personal and read into the smallest detail. It sucks. I just want to be normal! I just want to be able to go through life without analyzing someone’s motives and actions. I just want to be able to live life differently than this!

I’m really trying to work on it, but I’m so frustrated at trying that its starting to convince me that this is just who I am, and to me that sucks. I don’t want this to be who I am, because eventually I will be a lonely person with no friends, no family and no lover because I will have run them off. But I’m not giving up, I’m going to keep trying no matter how weary I feel. I feel like that’s the only thing I can do right now, I don’t want to lose her because I didn’t try.

So far my plan of attack is to slow down my outlook on life. I’m going to try and start my day off with meditating/praying/checking out, whatever you call it. I think if I get my mind set and my heart set on track at the beginning of the day hopefully it will help. I’m also going to start journaling more to get my thoughts, frustrations, ideas out without hurting others. So far those are my only ideas, so if you’ve got any suggestions I’d love to hear them.