The Complexity of Connection

So I'm reading, well rereading this book called, "The Complexity of Connection". It's a collection of writings from the Sone Center's Jean Baker Miller Training Institute. My therapist recommended it to me when I was going through similar feelings that my last post described earlier this year.

The book is basically presenting this Relational-Cultural Theory (RCT). This idea suggests that all growth occurs in connection and that all people yearn for connection, and that growth-fostering relationships are created through mutual empathy and mutual empowerment.

At the beginning of the book Miller describes five good things that make up a growth-fostering relationship: 1) increased zest (vitality), 2) increased ability to take action (empowerment) 3) increased clarity (a clearer picture of one's self, the other, and the relationship), 4) increased sense of worth, and 5) a desire for relationships beyond that particular relationship. "These five good things describe the outcomes of growth-fostering relationships, that is, the outcomes when growth occurs through mutual empowerment and mutual empathy; we grow not toward separation, but toward greater mutuality and empathic possibility."

Today I was reading the section on "Relational Competence". And I realized I'm not very competent when it comes to relationships, at least in this model. "The capacity to move another person, to effect a change in a relationship, or effect the well-being of all participants in the relationship might be called relational competence." (15). But another way that Baker talks about relational competence is the ability to participate in a growth-fostering relationship, to move someone, to be in touch with our feelings and our own hearts that we touch the hearts of others and both people are able to grow.

Here's what it involves:
1. Movement toward mutuality and mutual empathy (caring and learning flows both ways), where empathy expands for bot self and other.
2. The development of anticipatory empathy, noticing and caring about our impact on others.
3. Being open to being influenced.
4. Enjoying relational curiosity.
5. Experiencing vulnerability as inevitable and a place of potential growth rather than danger.
6. Creating good connection rather than exercising power over others as the path of growth.

So after all of those big words... Here's my assumption of it all...
I (as an individual) don't foster growth-fostering relationships. I've been hurt before, I've been put in situations where now everything in my body and my heart tells me to protect myself from future hurt. But I want a healthy relationship, I want to be able to create something wonderful outside of myself with someone else who wants the same thing. And most especially now with this wonderful person in my life, I want to make this work more than any other, and I refuse for this to end because of something that I could have worked on or improved on.

To do this I'm going to make my individual focus on the 6 signs of relational competence. And my relationship focus on the 5 signs of a growth-fostering relationship. But I think before I slice off more than I can chew I will work on myself first and see how it goes working with someone else. Who knows maybe the work I do on myself will spill over and automatically revamp my relationships across the board. At least that's what I'm hoping for.

So I've identified what I'm going to try doing but I know I have to have a plan of action for each of those steps. So more to come on that I suppose. I already know I'm going to have a hard time with number 5(vulnerability) and 6(exercising power).
I've got to do it right this time! I've got to change how I interact in this world. It's becoming exhausting.

Why Can't I be NORMAL?!!??!

This was my cry last night. Literally… I was crying this.

I’ve become pretty aware of myself lately, about what I do when I feel hurt, when I feel backed into a corner, and especially when I feel abandoned or the threat of being abandoned. I don’t know why, where it comes from, or if I can even change it, but I always, always, ALWAYS hurt the people I love the most. If I feel that you are going to hurt me, or even just the chance that you might in the future, I’m going to do everything possible to make you feel hurt before me.

Now mind you, being aware of this doesn’t stop me from doing it. Which makes it even more terrible. I’ve got this amazing girl friend, she’s my best friend, she creates in me a spirit that I have never felt or known, she amazes me with her love and the life that she lives that I am just honored to be a part of it. But I crush her, I hurt her, I get angry at the tiniest things that in the big scheme of things don’t matter. I don’t love her like she deserves to be loved. She deserves the world’s best girl, she deserves the world, she at least deserves respect, and for some reason its really hard for me to give that to her.

Its not just her, its everyone. My family, friends, lovers, coworkers. I’ve learned to keep people at a distance because I am aware of my temper and my way of working in this world. I don’t want you to get too close because I know you will eventually hurt me and so I’m not going to let you do that unless you can convince me it’s a good idea.

I take everything to be so personal and read into the smallest detail. It sucks. I just want to be normal! I just want to be able to go through life without analyzing someone’s motives and actions. I just want to be able to live life differently than this!

I’m really trying to work on it, but I’m so frustrated at trying that its starting to convince me that this is just who I am, and to me that sucks. I don’t want this to be who I am, because eventually I will be a lonely person with no friends, no family and no lover because I will have run them off. But I’m not giving up, I’m going to keep trying no matter how weary I feel. I feel like that’s the only thing I can do right now, I don’t want to lose her because I didn’t try.

So far my plan of attack is to slow down my outlook on life. I’m going to try and start my day off with meditating/praying/checking out, whatever you call it. I think if I get my mind set and my heart set on track at the beginning of the day hopefully it will help. I’m also going to start journaling more to get my thoughts, frustrations, ideas out without hurting others. So far those are my only ideas, so if you’ve got any suggestions I’d love to hear them.

Advent Conspiracy

A Service of Communion for Advent

This was our service of communion on Sunday.
I thought these words were so beautiful and timely.
It was nice to be able to get out of the routine of saying the normal UMC liturgy.

My pastor Sid at Trinity UMC and Christine Kraemer wrote this.

Let me know your thoughts on the words.

Call to Communion

Leader: Advent is the season of the longest night, the Solstice. We watch, we stir a little in anxiety; under the cover of darkness we await the rebirth of the sun, which after its long period of waning will begin to wax again. Though we shiver with the cold of winter, we rest easy in the knowledge that the light will return. We meet today to share a ritual of hope and peace, in Jesus Christ.

The Great Thanksgiving
Leader: The Creator is with us!

All: We open our hearts to God's Spirit. We rejoice to give thanks to our God.

Leader: Holy One, throughout the turn of the seasons you remain steadfast. In the depths of our suffering, you suffer with us; in the heights of our joy, you share in our pleasure. Creator of earth, air, fire, and water, we celebrate the creation that is your body. In the faces of those around us0 and in this season we especially look into the face of the stranger, who often has no place in the inn- in our own faces in the mirror, and in all living creatures, we see your face. By your power and presence, you transform us; we become prophets and makers of justice, bearers of your message of truth and beauty to all the world. And so, with all Being, we raise our voices in your praise:

All: Holy, Holy, Holy One, Source of Life and Love, all that is blazes with your glory. Your light breaks into the darkness, and darkness is as light to you.

Leader: Blessed are you, and blessed is the Child of Humanity, called Jesus, who came amongst us to proclaim liberation and wholeness. Jesus came to break all bonds, to shatter the chains of oppression that hold us in captivity; he healed the sick, gave food to the poor, and ate with those that society rejected to show that God's table is open to all. Through his suffering, death and resurrection he proclaimed the victory of love over death. O God, by your power of compassion and justice you gave birth to a new community to embody the continuing presence of Christ in the world. When we break the bread and share the cup, we do so to remember Jesus Christ, and to affirm that your acceptance is poured out for all.

Words of Institution

Leader: The seasons turn and the earth is chill and hard. the sun shines wanly in the sky, and we anxiously await the rebirth of the light. We take this meal, and remember the promise of transformation:

All: That which waxes must also wane; Christ has died. But that which wanes shall also wax again: Christ is risen and shall return!


Leader: Holy One, let your spirit well up in us and in these gifts of bread and wine. Together we pray in the words of St. Teresa of Avila:


All: Christ has no body now on earth but ours;
No hands but ours. Ours are the eyes
Through which Christ's compassion to the world looks out;
Ours are the feet with which Christ goes about doing good;
Ours are the hands with which Christ blesses now.

Sharing of the Bread and Cup

Prayer after communion
Leader: Mother God, we call to you out of winter.
All: The light is coming! The sun will be reborn!
Leader: Father God, we call to you out of stillness.
All: The light is coming! The sun will be reborn!
Leader: Creator God, we call to you with desperate hope.
All: The light is coming! The sun will be reborn!
Leader: O Holy One, we greet your Sun with gladness;
with how much more joy shall we greet you Child!
We come before you as your people of hope and peace.
All: Alleluia! Amen.

New Bike Blog!

Hello All!

Jessica and I are riding in the Hill Country Ride for AIDS this April.
It's a 50 mile bike ride through the Texas Hill Country to raise funds
and awareness for those living with HIV/AIDS. We have made a personal
goal of 50 miles and 1,000 dollars. With your help we know we can
surpass this goal! Imagine not being sure if you were going to have
enough food, or medical care, or imagine being sick and not having any
family to help take care of you. The agencies supported by this Ride
provide all of these services and more to those living with HIV/AIDS.

We have started our blog and would love it if you all would keep up with us!

teambritica.blogspot.com

We'll keep you updated with pictures, our fund raising, and help
spread awareness through this blog. Please feel free to forward this
onto any friends or family!

Happy Trails,

Britt

A great weekend at home

This past weekend I went home to spend some time with my family. My sister was also filming a documentary on marriage, more specifically the social structure around it and the pressure that young college students feel to get married at such an early age. I was really honored that she asked to interview me. I knew when she asked me that it would be hard for me to do, and also thought it might be even harder for her to interview me and hear things that we haven’t really talked about since I decided to break off the engagement.

My family isn’t very used to talking about things in an open and honest way. I mean we do it, but there are some things that we just don’t dig deep. Last summer is one of them. When it actually happened I talked to my parents about it all, but my sisters and I didn’t really have a format or a way to be able to discuss it. So we just didn’t. I was hurt, scared, ashamed, I’m sure they felt similar.

So to be able to say so many things and to really spill my feelings and my experience with my sister there, asking the questions was really powerful and moving. On many occasions I cried, and became overwhelmed with emotion. She asked a few questions about my parents and that’s when I really got emotional. I’ve talked before about the disappointment that I felt I caused my family, and the failure I felt I was not fulfilling their dream for me. I still struggle with that, feeling as if I have failed them.
It wasn’t anything that they put on me or forced me to feel, I put those expectations upon myself.

Being a part of the documentary made me really proud of Emme, she asked really wonderful questions that weren’t too abrasive but they pulled information out of me that was valid and truthful, I wouldn’t have been able to do that if I hadn’t have felt safe. She’s really doing such a wonderful job and I can’t wait to see the film!

After the filming we went to my dad’s new restaurant called Coast. It’s in Plano at the Shops at Legacy. My dad has been out of the restaurant business for about 7 years, but he wasn’t rusty at all. He pulled out all the stops and the tricks. The place is gorgeous, and piece of art to just sit in. And the cuisine is amazing. I think that even if you don’t know much about fine dining, that you would be able to tell that what they are doing with seafood at Coast is awesome! I was really proud of what my dad created, he looked so happy like this was what was meant for him.

Sunday my mom and I hung around town. We went shopping and out to lunch. We had some really good conversation and had a fun time together. I really enjoy her company and was really sad to come back to Georgetown because I wanted to have some more time with her. But Thanksgiving is approaching soon!!!

The Best Weekend of the Fall

This past weekend was probably the best weekend of the season!

It was homecoming weekend at Southwestern and the girls came back in town! Kat and Liz came to visit for the weekend and we had a fantastic time!

Thursday night we picked Kat up from the airport and right away painted the town red! We went to eat at Katz Deli, yummy! Then we headed down the way to our favorite gay club RAIN! By far the best dancing, the best music, good drinks, but not so hot amateur strip night. YUCK! Little 18 year olds thinking that their whitey tighties look better when they are droppin it like its hot, guess its not my thing. We got back at 4 am, oh my word! Then Alan, Jessica and I had to be at work in the morning. TERRIBLE! I will never stay out that late and then go to work the next day ever again.

So went to work Friday, then came back and went to dinner with the crew. Dos Salsas, doing it right. Then we went to Leigh's and played Kings Cup, I really just watched, and it was quite a sight to see.

Saturday we did all the homecoming festivities. Parade in the morning! My Phi Lambs looked so cute, and I was soo proud to pass the torch to my girl Anna Gale! She did such a great job. BBQ was awesome, I was stuffed from Monument bfast, but I couldn't pass up bbq. We then went to the LGBTA alumni meet and greet and then made our way over to the phi lamb alumni reception. Which was absolutely lovely! I got to see lots of old friends, lots of ones I still have, and celebrate sisterhood. I'm so proud of these girls. They have got a really awesome new chapter room and they are doing some really amazing things in the community and on campus, I'm just very proud.

Liz came in town around this time and it was sooo good to see her. Even though it was such a short trip and I'm sad I didn't get to spend some 1 on 1 time with her, its a boost of energy I need. She knows me better than anyone and its always a treat to spend time with her.

I spoke at the reception about how much like a family those girls have been and are to me. When I came out I didn't think Phi Lambs would be the most supportive group, or supportive at all. Phi Lambs has never changed because I've changed. Even if some of them didn't agree with my life, didn't agree with who I am, they never treated me any differently or didn't love me any less. They kept me in their life and accepted the part about me and the new love in my life. I love them.

Saturday night we went to the alumni hospitality house for a while. I saw an old professor who said, "BRITT!! I told you not to get married didn't I?!?! You look so happy now!" I love it! Then we went to SING! The Phi Lambs and Kappa Chi's did great! They got 3rd (even though I feel they should have received 1st) best theme development, and people's choice (which in my mind is 1st place!). We then went to the Alumni Hospitality house again and had a blast! We saw old friends and danced the end of the night away!

Sunday we went to church, had an amaaaazing dinner of braised short ribs, mashed taters, green beans, and deep dish cherry pie. Oh, and I shouldn't forget the wine. We played this new game emily taught us and I think its my new favorite card game!

That was it! Sounds like a simple weekend, but it was sooo much fun and so good to see my girls. Now I'm off to a conference! WOO HOO!