Peace, Peace, Peace

Peace is a very limited theme in my life. As much as I fight for peace, advocate for it and promote it in the lives of others, it is very hard for me to find it within my own life. I'm a very anxious and unsettled person in much of my nature, or maybe its just my 20's. :)

In the last month or so, a level of peace has come and settled in its place, there are a couple of reasons for this.. at least I think.

The Assessment
I met with my mentor a couple of weeks ago for the second time. Before we met I had to complete the IRAI (Inventory of Religious Activities and Interests), which is basically just a big assessment on what type of ministry I might be lead into, where my gifts currently are being used and what areas I might need to foster more growth. The bulk of the assessment broke up the different roles that I will take on as a pastor and what percentage of "me" is currently divied up to those roles.

Here they are: (highest possible score is 100) along with their explanation behind each role.

Counselor-69 (moderately high) Bringing comfort to persons in need, helping persons with problems.

Administrator- 56 (average) Planning, promoting, and executing various church related programs

Teacher- 38 (moderately low) Teaching and directing Christian education in a local church

Scholar- 71 (moderately high) Scholarly reading, study, research, and/or teaching persons in a college

Evangelist- 54 (average) Various types of evangelistic work, contacting persons for Christ (I really have a problem with that language)

Spiritual Guide- 58 (average) Talking about religious topics, help persons develop their faith

Reformer- 98 (Very High) Seeking social justice, working in community improvement programs.

Priest- 88 (Very High) Conducting public worship, sacraments, and liturgy.

Preacher- 62 (moderately high) Preaching and public speaking developing speaking skills

Musician- 2 (Very Low) Directing a local church music program (assuming musical training)

It really is very unsettling for me to be assessed and especially to assess myself. I will sit and over think every single question, hoping that maybe it will just disappear if I think about it hard enough. It never does though.
When the results came out, I became a little flustered because so much of my job that I do now is a "Teacher" and so much of my personal self is a "Spiritual Guide". So when I scored somewhat low on those roles I felt kind of hurt. But my mentor really put it into perspective for me. We discussed how these are where I am now, and that in 20 years, heck even 2 months my roles might look different. The roles that I never thought I would portray as high as I did, were the highest. So we discussed what it would be like to see myself in those roles. We also talked about how this could be used as a tool, to help guide me in fostering growth in all areas.

My mentor suggested becoming more a part of worship at Trinity and also to find someone to shadow who is at the 'reforming' level of the church. This next month we are going to talk about my "Wesleyan Dimensions of Call", big title that actually has some great aspects to it. So more to come on that soon!


The Class

Its been a long time since I've felt peace in my work. I'm constantly surrounded by crisis and things that need immediate attention. Since I was twelve I'd felt a very specific calling to be a pastor, and this calling and everything that I did to 'fullfill' it was comforting, purposeful and filled me with peace. But around my Junior year I began to struggle with a lot of feelings and looking back much to do with my sexuality. But it was like one day everything that I had put into my future as a pastor was just taken away. All of the certainty that I knew, all of the confidence I had in myself to be a leader was gone, and I really haven't felt THAT confident since then, until now.

My pastor Sid asked me a few weeks ago to teach a Wednesday night class at our church on homosexuality and the Bible. I was really honored and excited when he asked me but quickly it sunk in and the nerves got the better of me. I thought of all the amazing classes I've taken at church and how much they remind me of some of the religion classes I took at Southwestern, they were scholarly, all of the teachers were so knowledgeable and everyone in the class seemed like they had an extra gig of smarts than I had. So how could I possibly be qualified to teach a class? Especially one that is sooo based on scripture and reading with historical context and knowledge of Biblical times.

I prepared the first lesson so diligently, I wanted to make sure that I knew my stuff and that my age and life experience (or lack of) wasn't my first impression. It was very interesting how quickly those feelings about me and how I would look subsided, and feelings of care for the people who were going to join my class, most of whom I hadn't even met came. I'd like to think that maybe this is a sign of finding some maturity in this calling of mine.

15 people came to my first class. I was so shocked. Not only from the amount of people who had an interest in the class I was teaching but the feeling I had while leading the class. My second week was even better! When I think about finding words to describe how being in that moment was like, I begin to type words and quickly erase them because they don't quite fit the magnitude of overwhelming peace that I felt. It like I was going through the motions, not like it was being ingenuine, but like my body to the depths of my soul had found another piece (and peace) of what it was made for.

What comes to mind are words from C.S. Lewis, an author who I'm not usually apt to quote, but I felt like his words were so fitting.

"All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it- tantalizing glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear. But if it really should become manifest- if there ever came an echo that did not die away but swelled into the sound itself- you would know it. Beyond all possibility of doubt you would say, "Here at last is the thing I was made for." We cannot tell each other about it. It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasable want, the thing we desired before we met our partners or made our friends or chose our work, and which we shall still desire on our deathbeds, when the mind no longer knows partner or friend or work. While we are, this is. If we lose this, we lose all." C.S. Lewis