My love letter to Trinity UMC

So last week my pastor asked me along with 2 other people to speak at this Sunday's services about why we love Trinity. I really loved sharing this, but wow, it was emotional and vulnerable. 2 things I really have a hard time doing in front of a large group.

Here's my love letter to Trinity UMC:

When I was a kid my parents sent me to this great summer camp every year, probably to get me to unwind my rambunctious spirit that was ready to break free after school had let out. But I usually came back from camp more fired up for more activity. When I was twelve I came back home from camp that summer and something was different. You see I had come back and had felt a different kind of spirit moving inside of me in a way I had never felt before. I had experienced an awakening in myself, and I was certain that in the future I was going to be a pastor. I can’t explain how I knew this, but I did. I had lots of questions and worries, feelings of fear and being inadequate. But my local church supported me, helped me explore what ministry was and helped foster the growth of my gifts that they recognized as ‘gifts for ministry.’

Jump ahead to 2007. 3 years ago, it was my senior year at Southwestern University, I had all my plans figured out, I knew who I was and where I was going. I assumed I was straight and I was going to seminary to become a United Methodist pastor, I had it all figured out. But I wasn’t prepared for what would happen next. Something else began to stir inside of me again, turned my world upside down, something I had never felt before, and something so strong and incredibly true. I had fallen madly in love with my best friend, Jessica. We’ve been together for almost three years and if you ask me how much I love her, I will tell you more than the depths of anything any part of me could ever reach.

It wasn’t long after coming out, that I realized that two very prominent aspects of me, my call to ministry and my newly discovered sexual orientation were seen as “incompatible with Christian teaching” to the denomination and the church that had supported me through much of my young and adolescent life. It was the United Methodist Church that had recognized my call, they were the ones who helped foster and identify my gifts, and they were the ones who had surrounded me with all the support a community of faith should. But I guess now they could only support part of me. Even though I was heart-broken, I was determined to continue on this path, hoping that things would change.

When Jessica and I started to think about our future together we talked about the areas in our life that were important to grow and focus on as a couple. One of those things was to find a supportive faith community. We knew we needed a community that not only supported us as a couple but a place that would be open to our individual experiences, beliefs and gifts. We found that and so much more here at Trinity.

The first day we walked through those doors, we sat down and immediately connected to the energy that fills this space. Each week we began to feel more and more connected, more and more supported, more and more loved. We were hooked!

By being a part of this community, I have been given so many opportunities to build a fuller version of myself. I am able to tap into a more mature spiritual lens than I had before by being a part of WNL classes, listening to Sid’s sermons, and through the variety of worship experiences here. I see God as being much more loving and present among us, through your prayers that you share every week, giving me the space to share mine, and to know that the love that this group embodies will go with me when I leave this place. I have

I have found much needed strength to go through my candidacy for ordination in the most honest way, as the complete version of myself, knowing that I will probably be denied ordination because of it. When that happens I know that I can turn to this community to surround me with love and support.

This is the type of community that I long our larger denomination to mirror, I long for our world to mirror. I don’t want to be mistaken as sounding too idealistic; I know that even the best communities have their flaws. But from my experience, I step into this space every week and I see a glimpse of what the world could be like.

Starhawk, an American writer, eco-feminist and activist, has a really wonderful way of seeing community, and is how I feel about Trinity:

We are all longing to go home to some place we have never been — a place half-remembered and half-envisioned we can only catch glimpses of from time to time. Community. Somewhere, there are people to whom we can speak with passion without having the words catch in our throats. Somewhere a circle of hands will open to receive us, eyes will light up as we enter, voices will celebrate with us whenever we come into our own power. Community means strength that joins our strength to do the work that needs to be done. Arms to hold us when we falter. A circle of healing. A circle of friends. Someplace where we can be free.-

Peace, Peace, Peace

Peace is a very limited theme in my life. As much as I fight for peace, advocate for it and promote it in the lives of others, it is very hard for me to find it within my own life. I'm a very anxious and unsettled person in much of my nature, or maybe its just my 20's. :)

In the last month or so, a level of peace has come and settled in its place, there are a couple of reasons for this.. at least I think.

The Assessment
I met with my mentor a couple of weeks ago for the second time. Before we met I had to complete the IRAI (Inventory of Religious Activities and Interests), which is basically just a big assessment on what type of ministry I might be lead into, where my gifts currently are being used and what areas I might need to foster more growth. The bulk of the assessment broke up the different roles that I will take on as a pastor and what percentage of "me" is currently divied up to those roles.

Here they are: (highest possible score is 100) along with their explanation behind each role.

Counselor-69 (moderately high) Bringing comfort to persons in need, helping persons with problems.

Administrator- 56 (average) Planning, promoting, and executing various church related programs

Teacher- 38 (moderately low) Teaching and directing Christian education in a local church

Scholar- 71 (moderately high) Scholarly reading, study, research, and/or teaching persons in a college

Evangelist- 54 (average) Various types of evangelistic work, contacting persons for Christ (I really have a problem with that language)

Spiritual Guide- 58 (average) Talking about religious topics, help persons develop their faith

Reformer- 98 (Very High) Seeking social justice, working in community improvement programs.

Priest- 88 (Very High) Conducting public worship, sacraments, and liturgy.

Preacher- 62 (moderately high) Preaching and public speaking developing speaking skills

Musician- 2 (Very Low) Directing a local church music program (assuming musical training)

It really is very unsettling for me to be assessed and especially to assess myself. I will sit and over think every single question, hoping that maybe it will just disappear if I think about it hard enough. It never does though.
When the results came out, I became a little flustered because so much of my job that I do now is a "Teacher" and so much of my personal self is a "Spiritual Guide". So when I scored somewhat low on those roles I felt kind of hurt. But my mentor really put it into perspective for me. We discussed how these are where I am now, and that in 20 years, heck even 2 months my roles might look different. The roles that I never thought I would portray as high as I did, were the highest. So we discussed what it would be like to see myself in those roles. We also talked about how this could be used as a tool, to help guide me in fostering growth in all areas.

My mentor suggested becoming more a part of worship at Trinity and also to find someone to shadow who is at the 'reforming' level of the church. This next month we are going to talk about my "Wesleyan Dimensions of Call", big title that actually has some great aspects to it. So more to come on that soon!


The Class

Its been a long time since I've felt peace in my work. I'm constantly surrounded by crisis and things that need immediate attention. Since I was twelve I'd felt a very specific calling to be a pastor, and this calling and everything that I did to 'fullfill' it was comforting, purposeful and filled me with peace. But around my Junior year I began to struggle with a lot of feelings and looking back much to do with my sexuality. But it was like one day everything that I had put into my future as a pastor was just taken away. All of the certainty that I knew, all of the confidence I had in myself to be a leader was gone, and I really haven't felt THAT confident since then, until now.

My pastor Sid asked me a few weeks ago to teach a Wednesday night class at our church on homosexuality and the Bible. I was really honored and excited when he asked me but quickly it sunk in and the nerves got the better of me. I thought of all the amazing classes I've taken at church and how much they remind me of some of the religion classes I took at Southwestern, they were scholarly, all of the teachers were so knowledgeable and everyone in the class seemed like they had an extra gig of smarts than I had. So how could I possibly be qualified to teach a class? Especially one that is sooo based on scripture and reading with historical context and knowledge of Biblical times.

I prepared the first lesson so diligently, I wanted to make sure that I knew my stuff and that my age and life experience (or lack of) wasn't my first impression. It was very interesting how quickly those feelings about me and how I would look subsided, and feelings of care for the people who were going to join my class, most of whom I hadn't even met came. I'd like to think that maybe this is a sign of finding some maturity in this calling of mine.

15 people came to my first class. I was so shocked. Not only from the amount of people who had an interest in the class I was teaching but the feeling I had while leading the class. My second week was even better! When I think about finding words to describe how being in that moment was like, I begin to type words and quickly erase them because they don't quite fit the magnitude of overwhelming peace that I felt. It like I was going through the motions, not like it was being ingenuine, but like my body to the depths of my soul had found another piece (and peace) of what it was made for.

What comes to mind are words from C.S. Lewis, an author who I'm not usually apt to quote, but I felt like his words were so fitting.

"All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it- tantalizing glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear. But if it really should become manifest- if there ever came an echo that did not die away but swelled into the sound itself- you would know it. Beyond all possibility of doubt you would say, "Here at last is the thing I was made for." We cannot tell each other about it. It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasable want, the thing we desired before we met our partners or made our friends or chose our work, and which we shall still desire on our deathbeds, when the mind no longer knows partner or friend or work. While we are, this is. If we lose this, we lose all." C.S. Lewis