Working out some thoughts

I belong to two different groups that meet weekly and something interesting happened in both groups this week.

Both sets of groups are made up of older women, ranging from about 10 years older than Jessica and myself to about 40 years older. It makes for interesting experiences and conversation that's for sure. But something rubbed me the wrong way this week:

At both events the women remarked to Jessica and me about how much harder they had it coming out with their sexual orientation than we did. They said things like, "You guys are just too young to realize how hard it is." "At least you aren't fearing that you are going to be arrested when you are in a club." "Well when we were growing up it was much harder than you have it because there wasn't a gay community."

I don't want to diminish the experience that these women had growing up, becoming aware of their identity, and coming out. Yes, the ones that came before me helped pave the way for me to be out and be myself. Yes, it must have been very hard not having much of a community to have support, it must have been hard to be in fear of being arrested, beaten or killed. I will never diminish and make light of the history that has given me the few freedoms that I have as a gay woman today.

But after these comments I still put up a guard. I felt like my experience and battles that I have gone through were diminished by these women, like they weren't as fiercely fought. I felt like they made an assumption about what my coming out experience has been like for me and they then took that assumption and compared it to their own and threw it back at me to let me know that my life would never be as hard as they have had it. And many times, yes they have had it harder than I have. But please don't diminish my experience before you get to know me and my story. And please don't assume that I wouldn't want to listen and learn from all of the battles that you have been through.

I feel confused and bad feeling this way. Is their hostility directed towards me? Is it directed towards this country that has made it this hard for us all to live as equals? Should I just take what they say with a grain of salt, realizing that I will never have it as hard as they do, learning from their history and their personal struggles? Should I stand up for myself and give them understanding that my experience has been hard too? Is this not even about them and what they are saying, but about me and where my reaction is coming from?

Its kind of funny, it's almost easier talking about my identity as a gay woman with straight people than it is with other LGBTQ people. I guess maybe when I speak to straight individuals I can have much of the same power that those women had over me. HMMM Epiphany. I must be in much of the same position of power.

I guess the moral of my story is: get to know someone and realize that their experience and hardships with life are relative. Don't diminish their trials and battles, and don't assume that they aren't grateful and feel blessed for the one's that came before them to make the load a bit lighter.

Thoughts anyone?