A Much Needed Update

I want to apologize to my few faithful readers. I know I kind of left you all with a cliff-hanger from the last post. I honestly didn’t realize how busy my life would be these last couple of months. Work, my personal life and just the day to day has been incredibly busy and I feel like I haven’t stopped to breathe until right now.

I know a lot of you are waiting to hear how my first meeting went with my mentor and part of my delay in post has been because of that. Our meetings together have a great level of confidentiality and trust built in, and I really want to be careful to not break that confidentiality or trust. So I’m sorry that I can’t share with you on this public forum if I was able to tell her about the entirety of who I am. If you are really dying to know, please feel free to email me, call me, ask me to go to coffee. I’d love to share with you how that first meeting went on that front.

I went to meet her and as you can imagine I was pretty nervous. I’m not very good with opening up to others on first meetings; I’m usually pretty closed and cautious. It’s a barrier that I cause on my own, and am pushing myself to step out a little. I was also kind of scared as to what was going to be happening in my spiritual life as a result of the next 8-9 months going through this process and this meeting was stepping out of the starting gate for me.

I drove up to a church very similar to the one I grew up in, brick and columns, great landscaping, multiple buildings for programs and activities, and in a family-oriented community. The surroundings made me feel more comfortable, but I quickly realized that I was much different now than the Britt who grew up in Martin UMC. I walked up to the administration building and introduced myself to the secretary at the front, told her who I was and that I was there to meet my mentor. She smiled warmly and invited me to take a seat and to wait a few minutes while she let he know I was there.

My mentor came around the corner with a warm and welcoming spirit, introduced herself and led me around the corner to her office. We sat and talked for about an hour and a half. I was so nervous I talked for the majority of the time, DOPE! The completely opposite thing that I would normally do when meeting a new person. After I left I felt awful about this, I’m there to learn and let my nerves get in the way of my interest in getting to know her and learning from her experience. I’m sure she could tell I was nervous and was overcompensating with my lack of conversation skills.  We decided to meet again in early January, and I’ve been really excited about it ever since!

I’m really excited about learning from someone who can help and support me in my call to ministry because they’ve been in a similar place of following God’s call. I was thinking the other day how long it had been since I’ve had someone who has taken this role in my life; it’s been since high school or even middle school. SOOO much has happened in my life since then that honestly it’s a miracle that I’ve made it this far on my own. That’s a long time to go feeling that you are on this journey by yourself. So I’m really excited about this new mentor relationship that is forming and will help awaken in me tools for my journey.

This coming year is going to be filled with a lot of life changing events/decisions/random occurrences. I’m looking forward to it and trembling at the thought of it. I’ve decided to take things slower than I normally had planned. I was going to apply for seminary for the Fall of 2010 but have decided to postpone that for another year. I feel at peace with the decision and see new opportunities that I can experience because of it. 1) I don’t know what is going to come of my candidacy process and would like to be able to make a decision about seminary when I’m able to fully focus on that. As well as to be able to properly deal with anything that happens where I will need proper space and time to deal with. 2) I would like to take the mentor portion of this process as it was meant to be, a process, not something that needs to be rushed through in order to receive more funding for grad school (to those of you who did that, no hard feelings towards you, I just need to do it a different way). 3) I have a job that’s teaching me every day what it means to meet the needs of the world; I still have some more learning to do from this job. 4) I would like to spend some time volunteering and being more a part of my community. I would like to be able to do that for just the purpose of enjoying it.

So I have another busy year of growing into myself! I will try to keep you all updated with what is going on a little better than I have in the past few months. If I fail at it please forgive me, or better yet, just pick up the phone and call me, email me or facebook me. I’d love to share with you the adventure that I am on!

Statement of Call

So I've sent in my statement of call to my district superintendent as of 9:00 am this morning.

YAY!

I'm really looking forward to this process, and by looking forward to it I mean scared out of my mind. And by scared out of my mind I mean, really ready and excited!

It was a lot harder than I had anticipated to sum up my calling and the direction of that call into a nicely formatted document. I talk about it all the time, and I share it with you all here, so I don't know why it was so hard for me to write it to my district superintendent. Maybe because its such an official kind of thing or because it kind of marks the beginning of this process for me and I know it will be a long road. Or maybe its because I'm too hard on myself and want this to look perfect. Anyways, I'm glad I'm done with it and I'm happy with what I've sent it off!

Now I'm waiting on my D.S. to assign me a candidacy mentor! I'm really looking forward to learning from someone and having a mentor, keep your eyes peeled for an update, hopefully soon!

I thought I would share with you all the statement of call that I submitted as well:

My call to ministry has been a beautiful ribbon that God has woven in, out and around my life. Many times it has been very evident and at other times less visible, but always keeping very close to my heart and to my consciousness. I have felt this call to ministry since I was twelve, when I found myself drawn to sit quietly at the lake shore of a summer camp while all of my peers were running as fast as they could to afternoon activities. I sat all afternoon in conversation with God, pondering together what was in the making for my life. I left that holy ground with more questions than answers, but also a great sense of comfort knowing that God would be with me.

The pastors that served my church when I was a youth were very integral to the realization of my calling. They allowed me to preach in worship, shadow them in home visits to members of the church, and met with me often to help me discern my call. In my undergraduate work at Southwestern University, I sat at the feet of many wise individuals hoping to soak in as much knowledge as I could while going through my inquiry process. When I graduated two years ago from Southwestern University, I began serving in the nonprofit community, opening myself to the many experiences that this work offered to my future ministry. I attend Trinity UMC in Austin, and by being a part of this accepting and loving family, I have witnessed what it means to be in true community and in ministry. The Holy Spirit has continued calling me back to the lake shore through these experiences which have revealed and confirmed to me that I am being called to ordained ministry.

I believe that I am being called into ordained ministry to deliver a message of God’s all-encompassing love to a hurting and desperately searching world. I believe that this is the message that God calls us all to experience with each other and was beautifully modeled through Jesus. I’ve witnessed the maturing of my gifts for ministry through the encounters with life that God has led me through. I feel that God has gifted me with an open heart that has the capacity to be receptive to experiences different than my own and to be genuinely approachable in learning with others in discussing our collective experiences. I have a curious and seeking heart that continually wants to learn and know more about this Great Mystery. God has given me a great desire to be with others in their time of need, to deliver words of encouragement and guidance, to lead a community into deeper meaning of what it means to be a follower of Jesus and to live that message boldly, to offer healing and reconciliation to a hurting world, and to be a voice to the silenced, oppressed and marginalized.

Reflections on Convocation

I'm so sorry that you faithful readers haven't had a post about convo when you expected it. It took me quite awhile to step back from my experience and observe. But as promised, here you go.

***Warning Looong Post| There are Titles to Help***

DEEP INTO THE WILDERNESS
As I drove through the majestic Rocky Mountains, I couldn’t keep my eyes fixated on anything long enough for them to be distracted by another gorgeous display of God’s continuing creation. The hour and a half drive from the Denver airport to the YMCA at Estes Park was the perfect introduction to what this weekend of convocation would be like for me. I was excited to meet others with similar stories, learn more about inclusion and love, and to quiet my heart to hear the Spirit calling in the wilderness (both literally and figuratively).


BELIEVE OUT LOUD
I have committed myself to a campaign in which “United Methodists will gather in fifty annual conference teams to tell their stories and join the movement for full inclusion of people of all sexual orientations and gender identities” (rmnetwork.org). The larger campaign is called Called to Witness, and the effort for the next year is called “Believe Out Loud.” CTW (Called to Witness) comes from the theory that people don’t change until they know the stories of others. For more information about this campaign: http://tinyurl.com/luwtvo

I am one of three Annual Conference trainers with the task to facilitate this campaign in our AC. The training for this campaign was on Friday, the first day of convocation. Most of the training was about learning to tell our stories. We know that people don’t feel connected to a cause unless they know someone personally touched by the issue or if their story connects with the issue as well. So I’d like to share my story with you about why I am a Reconciling United Methodist:

BRITT’S STORY OF WHY SHE IS A RECONCILING METHODIST:
I spent most of my life as a United Methodist. I have made lifelong friends from Sunday school as a child, formed much of my early faith from experiences in my youth group, and have deep roots as a Wesleyan by the traditions I was a part of in the church. When I was twelve years old I received a call to ordained ministry, I remember feeling more sure of this than anything in my heart, that I was meant to be a pastor. I was so excited about this feeling and the assurance it gave me about God’s will in my life, I wanted to share it with those who were closest to me.

At that time I was also attending a conservative Christian private school, and most of the student body reflected that type of theology. I came to school with a full heart ready to share the news of my calling. When I told my friends about what I was feeling their reaction was that my place was not in the pulpit but behind the man in it. I was crushed, confused and hurt. I told my parents what had happened and what I was feeling, they then took that opportunity to teach me “to not let anyone silence you and who you are Britt.”

A few years down the line, I still felt a strong call to ministry in the UMC, but had come out as a lesbian. I was quickly aware of what the denomination I was planning on serving felt about my sexual orientation, that I was “incompatible with Christian teaching.” All of the feelings of hurt, fear, being silenced came back. I couldn’t understand how God could call me to such important work but also create me as something incompatible with that calling? I quickly remembered the teaching of my parents, “do not let anyone silence who you are.”

A big part of this experience has fueled my passion to become a pastor and a Reconciling United Methodist. For me, being a pastor is not to memorize scripture, preach it from the pulpit and to direct and instill guilt into a congregation of very human people. It is my duty to come down from the pulpit and hear all of the stories from everyone, not only in my congregation but out on the street, in the house next to mine, behind me in the grocery store. It is my duty to hear them and speak for them just as they are, to be their voice when they are being silenced. That is why I am a reconciling United Methodist.

THE HIKE
On Saturday afternoon I thought it would be really wonderful to go on a hike in the Rockies. I had never been to Colorado before, and what I perfect way to experience it than to hike it! This story displays my true inexperienced wilderness Texan self.

We started off with our guide on the trail, and it was such a pleasant walk. We saw elk, wild turkeys, chipmunks, and lots of bear poop, but no bears thank goodness. We made our way through the winding hills and around streams to a large clearing. The clearing was at the base of a small range of mountains that had a small river running through them that was fed by a glacier. It was here when we arrived that all the heavens opened and it began to rain. It was a little chilly but I thought it was kind of nice to have some weather come along, it made for an adventure. We climbed into some hills for our trek back to camp and when we arrived at the peak of this large hill it began to lightening… a lot. I was pretty scared to be up there with all the trees and the clearings that basically called to the lightening, “She’s right here, strike her!” But we kept pressing on. Eventually, it began hailing, yes, hailing. My poor little legs were so cold and were being bruised by all of these small bb’s falling from a heavenly bb gun. OUCH! The temperature dropped significantly, and it quickly felt like a winter day in the mountains. Far from the feeling of the 70 degree weather we had left down below.
Finally when we got to the end of the hike it was pouring and I was soaked and bruised up. My fingers felt like they were falling asleep and I had to keep moving them to wake them up.
Even though it was a death defying experience (jk) it was an adventure and I truly enjoyed it! 

Meeting a Trailblazer

On Saturday I was passing by a friend I had met at the conference who was walking with an elderly woman. The woman I did not know looked really familiar. Amy walked up and introduced the woman she was with as Jeanne Audrey Powers. As soon as that name was uttered I knew exactly who she was. Jeanne Audrey was one of the first women ordained in the UM church. She made her way up the ladder within the Church and eventually became Associate General Secretary on the General Commission of Christian Unity and Interreligious Concerns in the 1970’s. In 1996 she was at RMN convocation and during the middle of her sermon she came out as a lesbian. She became the highest-ranking United Methodist official to acknowledge that she is gay. I remember hearing about this story in my teenage years when I was felt called to ministry, not identifying as a lesbian yet, I still felt connected to her story and her struggle. She had made many of the paths easier for me to cross as a woman called to ministry because she had already endured them. Now as an out lesbian and a called clergy-to-be, her story and life mean more to me than ever.

So to meet such a spiritual giant who will be the in history of the UM church for forever was a humongous milestone for my life. I shook her hand and said something to the effect that it was nice to meet her and I hope she has a nice convocation. Then about 40 yards down the path after they had passed, I wanted to ram my head into the nearest tree. How could I have not told her what she means to me? So I found her later that evening and apologized and told her how long I had known of her story and how thankful I was for her life and ministry. She was very humble and gracious and agreed to be pen pals with me!  So I will be writing her often to sit at the feet of her experience and wisdom. I’m very excited about this!

The Thin Space
I love the description of the place where God meets you as the “thin space”. That space where the divide between human and divine are almost seamless. I don’t believe that this was how it was supposed to be, that we feel this separateness from our creator. I believe that our culture, history, the American dream, selfishness of others, wars, misinterpretation, fears, insecurities, anger, apathy, etc. etc. etc., step in between to create that massive space that we feel between ourselves and anything holy. I believe that the divine is so much closer than we realize. So when I come to a place where I can feel the seams melting away, I want to dance, and bow and take my sandals off, and stay as long as I can. Intimate worship is that thin space for me.

Convocation worship was life changing. I allowed myself to open up to things that were outside of my tradition and to connect to the familiar. We sang spirituals, songs in Spanish and Swahili, praise songs, and even ones that were secular. Communion was more intimate than I had ever experienced and took on a special meaning for me in working for ALL being invited to the table. Prayers were said in different languages, were exchanged between seat neighbors, read from centuries past and from the present, were cried and sung. My body could not physically contain the release that this worship brought to me, I cried every time.

Ordination and Being Me
I was a part of a workshop called “Ordination and Social Change,” on Saturday. It was really informative and basically described the process of ordination. A representative from the Board of Higher Education was there to lead the workshop. It really got me thinking about ordination, ministry and my life, realizing that to the Church they contradict one another. My ministry and my sexual orientation don’t match up with what the Church sees as compatible with Christian teaching. Therefore, if I’m open about my life and open about my sexual orientation then there is a very strong chance that I will not be ordained.

So I feel that I have a decision to make. What is the plan? How open do I plan to be? Is it right to work myself up to a place of power in order to help promote change? Or is using my ability to conceal this part of my identity as best as I can, fair to others who can’t? What happens if I’m discovered (not like I’m trying so hard not to be) and then defrocked? I know that this is kind of the worst-case-scenario that my mentality is in, but I really think it’s okay for me to be thinking this way. I have a lot of questions for about what I’m supposed to be doing with this calling and the current situation I’m in, but it seems that all the answers aren’t coming at once, just more questions.

Convocation was really wonderful to be a part of because even though I started to feel antsier about my future and what my plan of action will be, I met others who were in a very similar situation. I learned that I’m not alone, that there is a family within the church that loves me and sees me for me and not for who I love.

So please keep me in your thoughts and/or prayers as I’m going through this process.

Stepping out of the wilderness
I wasn’t ready to leave Colorado. Being secluded, safe and sure of myself allowed me the time to charge my battery. I was able to be still and listen to the small whispers of the Spirit through the beauty of nature and creation around me; I didn’t want to come back to the hustle and bustle. My life lives in a clanging city, where I can’t hear the whispers of things beyond me. It was refreshing to finally sit and be, and to invite the holy to join.

I’m glad to be home but still crave for more time in the wilderness. No wonder Jesus took forty days. I’m ready to start this work towards full inclusion along with my candidacy. This blog will start to have interesting content for sure from this incredible adventure I will be embarking on.

Pre-Trip Reflection

Today is laundry day. I'm sitting here at the back corner of a local "Quick Rinse" laundromat since our roommate Alan has yet to find a worth electronic washboard and clothesline. So as I'm sitting here in between "Speed Queen" #1 & #2 and the wash is moving to the rinse cycle, I thought I'd take some time to reflect on the upcoming weekend.

In my last post I shared a letter from Mark Tooley at UMAction to Reconciling Ministries Network. I hope it fired you up as much as it did for me. This coming weekend I'm flying to Estes Park, Colorado (thanks to a generous donation from a couple of people in my conference) to learn, observe, fellowship, and grow while at the RMN Convocation. Convocation is a time to "rest, relax, and restore in the beauty of God's creation; learn, organize, and launch reconciling initiatives; pray, play and sing the new creation into action." This is a time for those of us who are passionate about an inclusive body of Christ to come together and plan for change, encourage one another and to learn from one another. I cannot tell you how excited, nervous, ready, apprehensive, curious, energized, etc, I am to be a part of this upcoming weekend.

For a long time I have felt a very strong pull/call (whatever you call your own) to be in ministry. In the early years, I didn't know what that would look like. Until the day I was given the opportunity to preach in my home church. And as Wesley would describe it, "My heart was strangely warmed." I believe that experience was meant to reveal y call to ordained ministry.

A couple of years ago, I realized there was another part of myself that was pulling and calling. It was something that I had felt at other times in my life, but this time I could not ignore it any longer, it had hit me like a ton of bricks and it came in the form of an incredible woman who is now my partner. I was bewildered, confused and scared. But came through it and came out of the wilderness finding a very true sense of who God created me to be. I believe that this experience was meant to reveal my calling to ordained ministry and to be a voice for the silence and scared, and to deliver a message of hope to those on the fringes.

As I'm gearing up to go to convo, I know this will also be another experience that will reveal another key detail of the journey in ministry that I am on. I'm excited to share with all of you my thoughts, feelings, experiences, conversations, and revelations that this weekend will bring.

Stirring the Waters

This is an email that was sent out about the group I am a part of, Reconciling Ministries and the convocation that is going to take place in Estes Park at the beginning of September. This email is from Mark Tooley and the Institute on Religion & Democracy:

We can be grateful that The United Methodist Church is NOT following the Episcopal Church into its sad and schismatic affirmation of openly homosexual clergy and eventual same-sex rites. Thankfully, the liberal attempt to separate the U.S. church from African United Methodists and to liberalize local church membership standards has been defeated, seemingly, in the votes on proposed constitutional amendments at the annual conferences this year. We give God the thanks.

But United Methodist pro-homosexuality activists are not deterred and are convening on Labor Day weekend in Estes Park, Colorado for a “Justice and Joy” celebration of Reconciling Congregation’s 25th anniversary. The speakers include the current United Methodist Bishop of Seattle, the evangelism professor at Southern Methodist University’s seminary, officers of the United Methodist General Commission on Religion and Race, a former official of the General Board of Global Ministries, a former president of a United Methodist seminary, a former official of the United Methodist Women’s Division, and the Dean of Students at United Methodist Garrett Seminary in Chicago.

Other speakers include: Drew Phoenix, the Baltimore United Methodist minister who had a sex-change operation from female to male; Karen Oliveto, who conducted same-sex unions in defiance of United Methodist law during San Francisco’s “Summer of Love;” Sue Laurie, who “married” her female partner outside the United Methodist General Conference in Dallas last year; and Sally Sparks, a former male now professing to be female who remained “married” to his/her wife (as Sparks recounted several years ago at the “Hearts on Fire” event at Lake Junaluska).

At the 2004 General Conference in Pittsburgh, Susan Laurie approached me in a public restaurant and asked if I could relocate to another room as a “courtesy” to her, since my very presence unsettled her! So much for love and inclusiveness!

Sally Sparks, the transsexual, is leading a workshop on “transcending gender.” This theme, that all of us have a fluid gender and sexual identity, is new for the homosexual movement. Today you are a straight man, but tomorrow you could be a bisexual woman! It’s all simply a state of mind.

The ancient Christians called this confusion “Gnosticism,” the idea that thoughts and feelings could override physical reality. This event in Colorado will feature a workshop about teaching “very young children about sexual orientation and gender diversity. Participants will learn specific ways to model affirming attitudes about sexual orientation and gender difference with children.”

This is appalling and tragic. Fortunately, The United Methodist Church has rejected this destructive message of sexual confusion. Unfortunately, thousands of our ministers, seminary professors, bishops and church agency staff still believe in this corrosive agenda.

Please continue to pray and support UMAction as we unapologetically affirm traditional Christianity within our great United Methodist Church. You can donate now to our ministry of church reform here.

With appreciation,
Mark Tooley
IRD President
Director, UMAction

What is the greater cause?

I have a really great job.
Most of my work includes talking with members of the community about how we can prevent violence from occurring before it even happens. I really like my job, its collaborative, creative and hopeful while crisis is happening all around me. I tend to be the optimistic one at my agency, mainly due to the fact that I’m on the prevention team while everyone else deals with crisis and intervention. But this past week while preparing for the implementation of a program I became more aware of a pressing issue.

Our coalition, who so diligently works to plan and create goals for implementing prevention efforts in our county, has decided that Taylor, TX would be a great place to start our program. The city has a lot of need and has a lot of areas in which we could improve the current situation. They currently have the highest number of family violence reports to the police in relation to their population. 60% of Taylor ISD students are economically disadvantaged, as well as 3.9% school dropout rate. Williamson county social services tend to focus their attention on the more populated cities and forget about our cities on the outer rim of our county. Many times Taylor is overlooked. So I am very happy we are going to be there.

But I’ve become aware that the people of Taylor are not putting issues of family violence in the forefront of their minds, and really maybe they shouldn’t or can’t. Basic needs are not being met for many families in Taylor. Food isn’t on the table, water and electricity are being turned off, transportation is limited and money is tight across the board. Honestly its like driving into another world when I enter Taylor, things are just done a bit differently there. I live in my nice Georgetown where there are white, wealthy, older men everywhere, and that’s basically who backs the entire city.

I drive into Taylor and the first thing I see are factories and manufactures with tired workers taking a much needed smoking break from the long day shift ahead of them. On the main square there are a lot of stores that are abandoned or very close to getting there. A lot of houses have the antique feel to them and have not had the upkeep that they might need. The age of this side of Taylor still has some charm and personality that keeps it living. I am reminded of the Pixar movie “Cars” when I come through town, taking a look at all the antique stores and mom and pop country cooking stops. You wonder how they stay afloat but you still have a smile on your face when you pass by, reflecting on its charm.

If you cross the other side of the tracks, literally the other side of the rail road tracks there is another side to Taylor. When I was there just a couple of weeks ago surveying the area, it was a little ironic that when I crossed the railroad tracks it started to pour down with rain. I drove through houses that made you wonder how any residents could possibly live there. The juxtaposition of this part of the community to other charming side made my heart ache. When I was talking to a community member about prevention of violence not being a priority in the community, this must have been the image that was in her mind.

My primary task is to prevent violence before it happens, but what happens when a community’s main concern is putting food on the table? I know that the state of the economy is so closely tied with violence, but I feel that my cause is futile. How do you present a very important cause to a community who truly needs it when their minds, hearts and lives are in a very valid place that might keep them from joining you?

Untruth is my enemy

“John Hagee is not my enemy. Cornerstone is not my enemy. Untruth is my enemy.”

This mantra played over and over again in my head yesterday like a ferris wheel cart coming around and around on its monotonous track. A few of my dear friends, about 40-50 other people from around Texas and representatives from Soulforce (soulforce.org) and Atticus Circle (http://www.atticuscircle.org/) attended worship at Cornerstone Church in San Antonio. We planned to attend a ‘dialogue’ with some of the members of the church about this church's hateful campaign against LGBT persons, how it must end, and how we can be a part of helping them end it. I could see in my very imaginative mind the scene from “Braveheart”: The Cornerstone church with their 18,000 member army with bibles in hand, our side clearly being outnumbered. Our leaders pumping our spirits up with thematic music playing in the background (like all good battle scenes in films do) and with a grand shout “They may take our lives! But they will never take our freedom!!!!!” I have quite the imagination, I know.

John Hagee is most well known for his close ties with the Republican party as one of John McCain’s campaign spiritual advisors. He is founder and senior pastor of Cornerstone Church, a non-denominational-charismatic church. Church services are televised globally and is the founder of many fundamental Christian foundations. His personal theology was the center of controversy this year when he stated, "I believe that the Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans...I believe that New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God, and they are -- were recipients of the judgment of God for that...There was to be a homosexual parade there on the Monday that the Katrina came. And the promise of that parade was that it was going to reach a level of sexuality never demonstrated before in any of the other Gay Pride parades...The Bible teaches that when you violate the law of God, that God brings punishment sometimes before the day of judgment."He has also made other similar comments about lgbt persons as well as other marginalized groups (http://tinyurl.com/p3gek8).
So as you can see it was hard for me to imagine myself remaining peaceful and calm with the comments he has publicly made and how churches like these have been so instrumental in causing hurt to my community. But I told myself that I would breathe a lot, recite my mantra and remember the support that my community gives to me.
We arrived at the church and as we walked in this grand choir singing as if the gates of heaven had been opened. It was absolutely beautiful and you couldn’t help but be moved by the musicality and fervor that they sung with. The music was juxtaposed by male-only security/usher detail lining the entire perimeter of the room. This was quite intimidating especially when you are wearing a name tag that distinguishes why you are there: Britt Cox “Sunday of Solidarity”. The service mirrored the charismatic services I had seen on television, lots of shouting and movements by the Spirit, very exuberant preaching style, an emphasis on giving financially. I’ll be honest, I can get into the movements of the Spirit and the charismatic preaching style, and especially the music that this type of denomination provides. I think I just like my church with some seasoning and spice.

Something that surprised me was the discussion we had with congregants after the service. Rev. Hagee provided a reception for us with cookies and punch. It began by him addressing the crowd with something to the effect of, “We know that we disagree on this issue,” but he never spoke about what that issue was. After his opening remarks he took the leadership of Soulforce and Atticus Circle into a private meeting for about fifteen minutes. Rev. Hagee’s policy is to record any private meetings with interest groups that meet with him but will not allow those groups to bring any type of recording devices with him. Once his security detail closed the doors of his private chamber we were left to mix and mingle with the congregants.

My friend Betsy and I talked to a couple that was sitting behind us. I’m embarrassed to say that their names escape me, I think I might have been too nervous to remember. We started off by talking about our jobs, where we’re from and our church homes. The man was one of the many pastors at the church and also does some child advocacy work in San Antonio. He dominated most of the conversation and from my assumption it was because of nerves and control of the situation. His wife barely spoke and he barely gave us room to speak. But he did ask some questions such as: Why did you come to this discussion? Have you faced any discrimination personally?

He also counsels church members and many have come to him and said that they are struggling with homosexual feelings. He used lots of terms such as, “choice,” “lifestyle,” “decision.” I struggled with confronting him on those words. I didn’t know if having a conversation was the greater effort and if confronting him on the use of those words would block any potential discussion. I felt that the greater good was to be able to give him a face and a story. Hopefully those 2 things will open his heart further to be aware of the ways in which language and demeanor further marginalizes those who are in the LGBT community.

I felt really sad for Cornerstone, it seemed like it was unchristian of them to discuss homosexuality so openly. My feelings coming out of the discussion that lasted no more than 20 minutes, was that this was all for show. If this conservative, literalist group could have a preacher that lashes out against my community so openly then why couldn’t they be transparent during a one-on-one discussion. In my opinion it is kind of like their dream situation: here’s a gay now attack. But they didn’t, at least not in such an aggressive way as I had expected. Their silence to me was cowardly. We had come to have an open discussion but they didn’t want to play. Maybe they didn’t feel safe, maybe they really had different views than their pastor, maybe there wasn’t enough time, maybe they wanted to look like the good guys on their home turf, I don’t know what the real reason was. However, I really would have liked to have found a middle ground.

Even though this experience wasn’t what I thought it would be, I feel that it is a powerful tool to forward change on this issue. So I will continue to be a part of discussing and telling my story knowing that God loves me, is proud of me, and will continue to shape and mold me through experiences like this.

How long O Lord?

How long, God of justice, how long
before you hear the cries of your people?
How long will the poor be hungry
Before they are fed?
How long will children fear death
Before you hold them in your arms?
How long must the weak suffer
At the hands of their oppressors?

What keeps you from acting?
For your Name’s sake we ask!
Father of the Poor. Mother of Mercy.
God of all consolation!
Your silence makes mockery of your name.
Come, God of Justice.
Too much suffering, too many deaths.
You have waited long enough!
Strike quickly in our world
and today
in our hearts.

Prayer by: Pat Kozak and Janet Schaffran

Take a chance.

This was a free association journal entry I wrote:

I want a chance.
I really can’t believe that one decision has changed everything.
Can’t you see that I’m happy? That I’m truly loved? And that this is not about you, its about me.
I’m listening to your words and am thinking the entire time how I can slay the dragon that is standing in the way of your view of me.

I need a chance.
I come with smiles and hugs and interest into your dramatic tales of love, adventure and mystery. But to you my story is an infomercial that you change the channel as soon as it arrives. You don’t want to know, you don’t want to try and you don’t want to invest.

I’m going to take a chance.
I’ve got one hell of a fairy tale. Cinderella has nothing on me.
So while you are waiting around to reconcile your story with mine, I’m in a far away land.
I’ve found my adventure, I’ve found my lady to fight for, and I’m living happily ever after.

I’m going to give you a chance.
It’s hard to see you suffer and wrestle with God.
I hope that one day that you will join me, that the spell that is ripping our hearts to shreds will be lifted.
I can’t try and save you anymore, its killing me and you.

When you are free, when you are ready, you know where to find me.

Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should

Faithul readers,
Sorry to leave you hanging on the looming decision I wrote about in my last post.

I have come to a decision about my part on the leadership team. First of all I want to thank all of my community of saints that emailed, called, prayed and lifted Jessica and me up while we were mulling over all of the possible directions we could go. The last post that I submitted was an email that I had sent out to my ‘community of saints’. People who I look to for strength, hope and example. I was humbly blown over by the response.
Below are some snippets of the strength that they passed onto me:

“Love and light to you on this journey. Your intuition will never lead you astray. “

“My heart aches to know that this world is still filled with so much ignorance on this issue.”

“You have an opportunity here to make history and fulfill not only your dreams, but the dreams of others. Not everyone has the chance to make this big of an impact in the world. Think long and hard before you give it up. That being said, this is a big decision and it has the potential to really change you and Jessica's life.”

“You are held in so much love and support, you cannot fail! I'll pray you move forward with the humble confidence of knowing you are standing for justice, and you can't lose when that is the case.”

“It takes strength to stand up to an institution, even if we believe & KNOW that we are right and the institution is wrong. It's one thing to agree with Martin Luther King, Jr's statement: "The time is always right to do what is right."

“You have an army of family and friends who love, support and will back you no matter what. I know you'll do great things and I'm so proud of you!!”

“You have always been in our prayers and I don't doubt for a moment that you are called to ministry. What it looks like only God knows and will reveal to you in time.”

“Do not be afraid! He is with you always in all that you do, and your calling seems so strong I cannot imagine you failing in any way! I know God will show you and
Jessica the way and you have our unwavering support!!”

“Would you really want to keep so much about yourself quiet? Would it make you happy working within a church where people assumed you had a different sexual orientation than you do just because you are a pastor and pastors can't be homosexual (now)? I'll be honest and say I don't think you would be satisfied with it. I think that God will be able to use you so much more when you are able to speak openly about who you are, how you are God's beautiful, distinct creation, and what God has done in your life. It fills me with excitement to think about being able to fight for a fuller expression of God's love in the Church. I know that there is danger, but I also can only imagine how fulfilling it would be to one day say that you fought for the rights of others and won (As I truly believe the reconciling movement will with time). In short, I love you and support you in (and maybe even push you towards) this ministry, but I also understand how difficult it would be. If there is anything I can do to help let me know. Also, I know its a few years off, but when I can, you'll have my vote.”

“The fact of the matter is that we have some very ugly people in our churches. People are so afraid of this issue. People can say anything. And yet, the only way the church is ever going to change is for people to share their story, stand up and tell about the God who has called them and made them who they are, and work hard and painfully for change. It is going to take people like Harvey Milk to make it happen. If you feel called to it then I am not sure you can turn it down. God will keep calling.”

I’ve made my decision. I’ve enlisted.

"I’ve decided to be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power, to put on the full armor of God so that I can take my stand! My struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities. I am putting on the full armor of God so that I may be able to stand my ground. I will stand firm with the belt of truth buckled around my waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with my feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. With all of this, I will also take up the shield of faith, with which I can extinguish all the flaming arrows of those who will fight against me. I will put on the helmet of salvation and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. I will pray, in all occasions, in trials, in victories and in uncertainties. With this I will be aware and always continuing to pray for all of the saints fighting beside me.

Pray for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given to me so that I will be fearless and make known the unfathomable love of Jesus, for which I am an ambassador in chains.

Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should."
(My verison of Ephesians 6:10-20).

The Call

I am calling on you all for prayer and help in discerning a unique and amazing opportunity that has come to Jessica and me. As many of you know I have felt a very strong call to ordained ministry since I was twelve and has continued to be the most real thing I have ever felt in my life. Since coming out as a lesbian, I have become more aware of my role as a pastor to be a voice for those who have been silenced, especially in the church. Jessica and I became involved in a group called “The Reconciling Ministries Network,” whose mission is to work for full participation for all persons within the United Methodist Church. This group is working very hard to gain equal rights within the church for people of all sexual orientations. A person on the national task force has asked Jessica and me to be representatives for the Southwest Texas Conference for this issue. We would be recruiting, educating others, and speaking with voting members of the General Conference to vote in favor of equal church rights. This would be a role that would require us to be very open, very public and very honest about our stories.

Currently there is very conflicting doctrine in the UM church in regards to homosexuality, (go here to read more http://archives.umc.org/interior.asp?ptid=1&mid=1324). There isn’t any clear doctrine that can keep an LGBT person from becoming a member of the church, but there also isn’t any clear doctrine that can stop a pastor from denying membership rights to an LGBT person. This is the issue we are currently trying to vote on by the next General Conference. The doctrine that speaks loudest to me is article 304.3 about clergy, the church will not ordain ‘self-avoid practicing homosexuals’. There are many UM clergy that have been denied their ordination, had their pastoral rights taken away, or have had to keep their personal lives hidden to keep this from happening.

I realize that being asked to do this is quite an honor and a unique opportunity that could really enrich my experience in ministry. However, by being public about my story of my call to ministry and the barriers that are in place because of my sexual orientation might bring more obstacles. By being very public with this effort, I fear that when my ordination comes around that it will be contested by someone and I will not be able to do what I feel God has been calling me to do. On the other hand, I feel called to fight this fight as well, I’m afraid that by being silent I’m not being true to the call to be a voice for those who have been silenced.

So what I’m asking you all for is your prayers for discernment, guidance, strength and peace. This decision feels HUGE, much bigger than me. I feel a lot like David holding a stone and a sling looking up at Goliath, shaking in his sandals. I feel a lot like Moses, doubtful of my abilities and gifts to lead when God is calling me to. I feel a lot like Jonah, afraid of the place God is calling me to go. Whatever I decide I know that God is with me and will use me and my gifts for ministry. I thank God for all of you and your continual support and love. It fills my heart with hope and joy to know that I have such a supportive community of saints in all of you.

Peace,

Britt

Things aren't always as they seem

This blew me away!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

The Face of Christ

I meant to write this post last weekend right after the reconciling service at FUMC Austin, but things have been quite busy. I had a grant report due and a huge meeting I had to lead on Monday and thankfully things have been slowing down since then, but they still have been busy.

There are only a handful of times that I have felt the genuine happiness that I experienced last Sunday night. Jessica and I had invited friends to attend First United Methodist’s reconciling worship service. I’ve written about the Reconciling Ministries on this blog before, but for first time reader sake here’s RMN 101. Currently there is not official church legislation that gives equal membership rights to LGBT persons, the Reconciling Ministries Network is a “movement of United Methodist individuals, congregations, campus ministries, and other groups working for the full participation of all people in the United Methodist Church.” (rmnetwork.org) It is their hope and vision that the UM church will be fully inclusive to LGBT persons and be true to the statement it professes that it exemplifies, “Open Hearts, Open Minds, Open Doors.” First UMC Austin created a worship service especially for this effort to mourn the hurt that the church has caused the LGBT community, to celebrate the success the movement has had, and to give us hope and encouragement in looking at the future.

I knew when we had decided to go to this service I didn’t want to go alone, I wanted to experience this with my community of saints. You see when Jessica and I came out, we were most worried about losing our friends in the Christian community. We thought they wouldn’t understand, that they wouldn’t be able to mix faith and our sexual orientation and eventually we would separate like oil and water. But to our surprise, they were the most inclusive and encouraging group we could have ever asked for. So when I heard about this service, I wanted them to experience this as well.

We entered the beautiful sanctuary at FUMC, a worship experience in itself by just being present in that space. We picked out a row near the front and filed in one by one. Each person had brought in their different story of experience with the church, but were there to support us and to witness something new. As the service began I put my arm around Jessica, something I have started to take for granted at the church we attend. I leaned over to her and whispered how proud I was to be in this place with her and how much I love her. I then looked down the row at my friends and it became overwhelming. It meant so much to me that they were all there, sitting in support of us. To have friends that might not completely understand your sexual orientation, but who are willing to learn and stand in support of you (well in our case sitting in a pew) makes you feel about 10 feet tall. Just because I'm a lesbian hasn't changed my friendship with them in any way, they haven't allowed that to happen. I am loved just the way I am.

To me they are mirroring God's love for us. That night I saw the face of God in each of my friends' faces. I know that the road ahead for me is going to a hard and long fight. Its going to be full of people who don't support me and my 'lifestyle', and will try and keep me from being ordained, having equal rights, and living the way I believe God created me to. But sitting in that pew with my brothers and sisters gave me a hope that I know will fuel me to continue living and becoming the person I believe God created me to be. This group represented so much to me last Sunday night and it became overwhelming for me to be a part of. I wanted those who have not been able to be fully supportive to see this beautiful picture of God's face.

Thank you friends for being the loving face of Christ.

On the Question of Gay Clergy

I wanted to share a wonderful post about gay clergy with you all from the rm network blog I read. http://www.rmnblog.org/2009/03/standing-together-in-the-river.html

Wonderful post!

By Antony Hebblethwaite

I know the pain of exclusion from ministry because of my sexual orientation. I've seen the hurt written on the faces of United Methodist clergy who faithfully serve the church but need to keep themselves and their families hidden to survive in their careers. I wanted to mention this emotional landscape as I respond to "To Come Out or Not To Come Out" by expanding my comment to that post.

On Justice

As I think about justice for LGBTQ1 people in the sphere of clergy rights in The United Methodist Church, I see three justice statements:

* It is just for LGBTQ clergy to "come out", live authentically in the world and have a family.
* It is just for LGBTQ clergy to enter and sustain careers in the ministry in safety without the fear of loss because of their authenticity and/or family.
* It is just for congregations with LGBTQ clergy to be open and proud about the full personhood of their pastor without the fear of loss because of their pastor’s authenticity and/or family.

Paragraph 304.3 in the Book of Discipline, "Self-avowed practicing homosexuals are not to be certified as candidates, ordained as ministers, or appointed to serve in The United Methodist Church", is a comprehensive attack on the dignity of having a career, being authentic and nurturing a family.

On Privilege

United Methodist policy results in loss of privilege for LGBTQ people excluded from ministry for being authentic and/or having a family. United Methodist policy also results in loss of privilege for LGBTQ clergy and congregations excluded from full authenticity to survive in ministry together.

When the Oppressed Oppress the Oppressed

In this very, very painful scenario in our movement, we need to be careful not to privilege our oppressed social locations and oppress others. There is a temptation for "out" LGBTQ people to criticize pastors who need to stay in the closet to survive in their careers. There is a temptation for pastors in the closet to criticize those excluded from ministry for mishandling their careers by "coming out".

In the magnificent essay in Christian Century titled “Righteous Resistance and Martin Luther King, Jr.”, John Raines writes:
The corruption of powerlessness is that the oppressed may come to envy and seek to emulate the oppressor, dreaming of someday taking the oppressor’s place.

When this happens a terrible silence and isolation opens up among the powerless. Dreaming of becoming like the mighty, they fear and flee the wounds of their oppressed fellows, because those wounds remind them of their own degradation. The deepest and most devastating injury of oppression is that it produces mute suffering -- suffering that cannot even name its own situation, cannot cry out, cannot say how things really are, cannot protest.

Martin Luther King, Jr., knew that clarity alone can bring community among the oppressed. And clarity comes when the downtrodden protest their oppression in the name of their own dignity, deciding not to dream of becoming someone else, but to stand together with their own kind.

In our dreams of the full measure of justice, ministry together as fully authentic persons in The United Methodist Church, in what ways do we fear and flee the wounds of our oppressed fellows?

* When LGBTQ people excluded from ministry interact with LGBTQ clergy privileged by the Methodist institution, how are we reminded of our own degradation?
* When LGBTQ clergy interact with LGBTQ people privileged by full authenticity, how are we reminded of our own degradation?

How do the wounds of our social location cause us to fear and flee the wounds of our oppressed fellows?

Bearing One Another’s Burdens and Doing Justice

For LGBTQ people who have experienced the justice of “coming out” and living fully authentic lives, can we bear the burden of clergy who cannot have this full measure of justice? In a letter signed by 100 UMC clergy persons:

We serve our beloved United Methodist Church at great cost. We have experienced personally the church's power to harm as it rejects an elemental part of who we are. The UMC's official policy has pushed us, as well as our families, into closets of fear and isolation. We are not deceitful people, but the church has given us no choice. To deny God's calling in our lives would leave a void in the Body of Christ.

For LGBTQ people who have experienced the justice of being pastors, can we use our privilege to work for change in The United Methodist Church for those excluded from ordination and marriage? The danger for LGBTQ clergy (and the congregations that protect them) is that their closets of fear and isolation constrain them from doing appropriate levels of justice for their oppressed fellows. When that happens, LGBTQ clergy and their congregations sustain the most deep and devastating injury of oppression:
The deepest and most devastating injury of oppression is that it produces mute suffering -- suffering that cannot even name its own situation, cannot cry out, cannot say how things really are, cannot protest.

Christ calls us to bear one another's burdens with the moral clarity of the downtrodden, to protest our oppression in the name of our own dignity, the very dignity given to us as creatures made in God's image.

----------

1 Stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning and Queer.

Bureaucratic Brick Wall

In the last month or two I’ve been in situations that have asked me to talk about my calling to ministry. In the past this would bring me great joy, it would put me back to the moments I was first aware of where God was leading me and I would feel those quiet moments of beckoning. Lately, it has been quite a different feeling. I’ve become frustrated and sad, well really mournful would be the correct terminology.
Currently I belong to a denomination that will not allow me to be ordained and to be a ‘self-avowed’ lesbian at the same time. Here’s what the book of discipline says, "While persons set apart by the Church for ordained ministry are subject to all the frailties of the human condition and the pressures of society, they are required to maintain the highest standards of holy living in the world. Since the practice of homosexuality is incompatible with Christian teaching, self-avowed practicing homosexuals* are not to be accepted as candidates, ordained as ministers, or appointed to serve in The United Methodist Church."
*Footnote -- " 'Self-avowed practicing homosexual' is understood to mean that a person openly acknowledges to a bishop, district superintendent, district committee of ordained ministry, board of ordained ministry, or clergy session that the person is a practicing homosexual."

I’m sorry, but I think my status would count me as ‘self-avowed practicing’. I live with my partner, I go to the grocery store hand-in-hand with my partner and one day I plan on making a life-time commitment to this partner. And when this happens I’m not going to keep her out of my life in ministry. So how am I supposed to get around this ‘self-avowed practicing’ bit? What happens when the bishop or district superintendent asks me before ordination? Do I lie, abstain from answering, or just throw it out there and hope that she or he will just let it roll over their backs? I’ve hit the bureaucratic wall, and I want to jump over it but I’m afraid they will throw me back over to where I started.

I know what I feel like is the right thing for me to do but I’m afraid I won’t get very far. I feel like after much prayer and reflection on my calling, I’m being called to continue, just as God created me. Not silently, not timidly, not wearing a mask. I’m to shake the rafters and advocate for change by being exactly who God created me to be, and that includes my sexual orientation, that includes Jessica.

Ministry means the world to me, and for me it’s a personal calling to the United Methodist Church. I could move on and go to another denomination who accepts me and wants me in their church. But I feel specifically called to this church that Wesley started. I have deep roots in this tradition, my theology is based off of the fluidity that this denomination provides and deep rooted heart for the poor and oppressed that we share with its founding members inspires me. To leave and go somewhere else is not an option for me.

So I’ve hit the bureaucratic brick wall and I don’t know how to continue going on. To tell you the truth I’m scared to go on. Its going to be an uphill battle no matter what. I hear God’s call, it’s getting louder and clearer every day, but the wall seems bigger and bigger the closer I get to it as well.

Fighting the Fury

For about the last month now I've been having a lot of trouble controlling my anger.

It wells up inside of me so quickly and takes control of my every word and move. Its a demon wanting to explode through my skin and hurt others as bad as they have hurt me. Its a very physical anger, and many times has run my fist to a wall, a near by desk and once even through a plastic trashcan. I take it out on objects around me to release the power and strength behind the fury, I would rather hurt myself than the person I am upset with.

I've struggled with my out of control anger for quite some time now, and just when I think I have a hold on it and have wrestled it and defeated it, it comes back. It's so frustrating and so defeating when it returns. I've done very well in the last year and a half with not allowing myself to become physical when I become angry, I never want the people I care about to see that side of me, especially the relationship I am in now.

But it has been hard lately not becoming angry at the smallest things. I let the smallest, insignificant things allow me to become infuriated. When I come out of it, I wish I could go back and realize what I realize after coming out of it. This morning in the car ride to work I came to a realization that seems so simple and so easy: I can't control other people but I can control my reaction and myself.

In order to gain more control over my anger I need to have more control of myself. I'm allowing a monster to take over my life and the only way to defeat it is to never even let it in to begin with.

So this is my new mantra:
"I can't control other people but I can control my reactions and myself."

All Means All!

This weekend Jessica and I attended the "All Means All: Called to Witness Campaign Training".

Earlier last month one of our pastors asked the both of us to be representatives from our church to this Reconciling Ministries campaign. Reconciling Ministries is a group of United Methodists whose mission it is to have equality in the Unite Methodist Church. When the Church states its mission, "Open Hearts, Open Minds, Open Doors," Reconciling Ministries wants them to stay true to their words.

So currently there is a large campaign to push through legislation that states that no person can be denied membership based on anything (but right now the big fight is sexual orientation).

At this training we met lots of other reps from other churches and areas of the conference, all of us ready to talk to delegates and voters for Annual Conference. During this training we were prompted to share our "stories". I didn't really realize I had a story to tell, I didn't think whatever I had to say about myself was interesting enough to move anyone to change legislation.

But before the morning was over I was up at the front of the room telling my story to about 40 people I had just met.

Here's the story I told:

I have been raised United Methodist, so I guess you could say being a fan of this church was "in the beginning for me." My parents took us to church because they thought that doing so would be good for us. They have always told us, ever since we were itty bitty, that we could do anything we wanted to, our options were endless, and to shut our ears to the ones who try to hold us back and silence us.

When I was in middle school my parents transferred me to a very conservative Christian school. Around the same time I felt this HEAVY call that I was destined to be a pastor. It was the most real feeling I've ever felt in my life and there was no denying it or silencing it. Little did we realize that curriculum and theological perspective at this school (which was one in the same) was limiting and confined women, and disregarded everything my parents had raised us to be and everything my call was calling me to be.

I was amped up, jazzed, excited about this new destiny for my life! I shared it with my friends and teachers, and their reactions always seemed strange to me. They asked if I was sure it wasn't to be a pastor's wife, or a children's minister. But I was sure. It escalated to friends and teachers calling me a sinner, telling me that my duty as a woman was not being fulfilled and that God was going to be angry with me.

I knew this wasn't right, I knew that the spiritual change that was going on inside of me was more real than any of their words or even the red and black letters they were hurling at me from Romans and Psalms. My parents continued to encourage me and tell me that I was able to do whatever I wanted to do and if I wanted to transfer I could, if I wanted to go to another school and get away from it all I could. But in my heart I knew I didn't, I couldn't be silenced.

A big part of this experience has fueled my passion to become a pastor. For me being a pastor is not to memorize scripture, preach it from the pulpit and to direct and instill guilt into a congregation of very human people. It is my duty to come down from the pulpit and hear all of the stories from everyone, not only in my congregation but out on the street, in the house next to mine, behind me in the grocery store. It is my duty to hear them and speak for them, to be their voice when they are being silenced.

I know this feeling. When the voices of the majority are much louder than your own and take it upon themselves to silence you. As it stands in the UM church right now, I will probably not be able to be a pastor in my church that I so love. There is legislation that says that because I am gay I cannot preach, teach, and be called Rev. They are making me feel like I am forced to choose between my calling and being open in my sexuality. Which is more important to me? I cannot choose! To me they are so connected, they are so tied. I know God has equipped me for ministry in this church, and I refuse to be silenced!

I know this fight will take a long time. We are only currently focusing on membership rights, among many things outside of the church. So I know my personal issue will take some time, but I'm willing to wait until all truly does mean all!

Gund Bear

I was a pretty imaginative child. I created other worlds in which my legos, stuffed animals and bike would come to life! I created castles and magical worlds where anything could happen, and everything did. I fought lions, and dragons, saved damsel’s in distress on my trusty steed lightning. I created dream houses with my legos where money was never a problem and toppled over towers could always be fixed. And my best buddy Gund Bear and I would see all of the world in our ship, (a rounded back chair that was placed on its side so I could rock like a real ship).

Gund Bear was my best friend and in many respects still is. I know this is quite confessional of me, but when I feel upset, sick, or angry he’s who I still run to. I just want to go lay in bed and hold my childhood bear. He’s been through it all with me, we’ve traveled the world together, seen changes in each other and still have remained buddies through it all. I know that it sounds quite ridiculous that I’m talking about a bear, but it’s the idea of this other friend that I created for myself when I was a child that still remains with me today, and for that friend I am grateful. I learned how to communicate my feelings with him, how to share, how to be loyal and how to imagine. In him I found a good listener, loyalty, an adventure and always a nice soft hug.
I know it’s a bit odd that when I look back on my childhood and think about my closest friends I think of a bear, but I know I would be a totally different person if the little brown bear hadn’t come into my life.

I'm getting better!

So our salsa class is going well!

Last night I felt like I did a lot better with the things I've been working on.
1. Confidence
2. Fluidity
3. Having fun!

I'm a very insecure person, it's taken me awhile to admit that about myself. So learning the leader part in dance class has been a challenge for me. You HAVE TO BE CONFIDENT! It is the success of the dance! So last night I told myself that I was just going to have confidence and act like I knew what I was doing and it worked!

I'm also a very rigid dancer. I'm a white, female version of the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz, and I haven't found my oil can yet. The lower half of my body doesn't bend, and sway like the majority of dancers out there, it just doesn't do it on its own. So I have been working on getting those joints moving to the beat!

Along with the confidence factor the fun factor is very closely tied. In order for me to have fun I have to feel confident that I'm doing well, otherwise, I'm too distracted to have fun. Last night was great, I danced with each partner and tried to make conversation with them while we were dancing. It was nice and I think each of them had a nice time!

I even had one lady tell me to "Work your magic britt!" :) I guess I'm turning into a salsa afficianado! Slowly but surely!

You are all welcome to join us for our Salsa Night Out this Friday night at Copa in Austin! We'll be arriving at 8:30 for the free lesson!

Working out some thoughts

I belong to two different groups that meet weekly and something interesting happened in both groups this week.

Both sets of groups are made up of older women, ranging from about 10 years older than Jessica and myself to about 40 years older. It makes for interesting experiences and conversation that's for sure. But something rubbed me the wrong way this week:

At both events the women remarked to Jessica and me about how much harder they had it coming out with their sexual orientation than we did. They said things like, "You guys are just too young to realize how hard it is." "At least you aren't fearing that you are going to be arrested when you are in a club." "Well when we were growing up it was much harder than you have it because there wasn't a gay community."

I don't want to diminish the experience that these women had growing up, becoming aware of their identity, and coming out. Yes, the ones that came before me helped pave the way for me to be out and be myself. Yes, it must have been very hard not having much of a community to have support, it must have been hard to be in fear of being arrested, beaten or killed. I will never diminish and make light of the history that has given me the few freedoms that I have as a gay woman today.

But after these comments I still put up a guard. I felt like my experience and battles that I have gone through were diminished by these women, like they weren't as fiercely fought. I felt like they made an assumption about what my coming out experience has been like for me and they then took that assumption and compared it to their own and threw it back at me to let me know that my life would never be as hard as they have had it. And many times, yes they have had it harder than I have. But please don't diminish my experience before you get to know me and my story. And please don't assume that I wouldn't want to listen and learn from all of the battles that you have been through.

I feel confused and bad feeling this way. Is their hostility directed towards me? Is it directed towards this country that has made it this hard for us all to live as equals? Should I just take what they say with a grain of salt, realizing that I will never have it as hard as they do, learning from their history and their personal struggles? Should I stand up for myself and give them understanding that my experience has been hard too? Is this not even about them and what they are saying, but about me and where my reaction is coming from?

Its kind of funny, it's almost easier talking about my identity as a gay woman with straight people than it is with other LGBTQ people. I guess maybe when I speak to straight individuals I can have much of the same power that those women had over me. HMMM Epiphany. I must be in much of the same position of power.

I guess the moral of my story is: get to know someone and realize that their experience and hardships with life are relative. Don't diminish their trials and battles, and don't assume that they aren't grateful and feel blessed for the one's that came before them to make the load a bit lighter.

Thoughts anyone?

I remember why I hated Middle School!

Today was my first day leading groups at a Pflugerville middle school. And oh.... my... word.... I thought I had blocked it completely from my mind, but I now remember why I hated middle school.

For Real.

I have 3 groups of 6th, 7th and 8th grade girls from 8:00 am to 11:00 am. The age range with the most drama, the most hormones, and the most attitude. 3 things that I have no patience with. I think that this semester will truly test my patience and strengthen my character, or it will kill me. :o

Middle school was awkward for me. I was smaller than everyone, kind of nerdy (although I wasn't that great of a student), and everyone seemed to either use me or pick on me. My 'friends' used to catch me right after carpool and tie my shoelaces to the handicap parking sign around the corner from the gym. This would cause me to be late to athletics. They would also deem random days "Pick on Britt Days." This would entail lots of tickling, lots of snapping of bra straps in class, and lots of teasing when a cute high school boy would walk into history so my face would turn red. Thank God I didn't come out in middle school! I really would have gotten it.

So when I come into my new middle school I think I still carry some fear, not to mention they all look like college students in middle school now, and have experienced just as much sometimes. I couldn't seem to find the right middle ground to meet them, and it frustrated me. I hope to really make an impact on this group. I want to help them to learn what a healthy relationship looks like and that they should only expect and accept the best. They deserve to be treated like queens and respected like dignitaries by men.

Its going to be a really tough semester. I'm nervous and fearful, but hopefully courage and confidence will come soon. Otherwise they are going to walk all over me!

Dancing with the stars here we come!

So I'm really excited!

Jessica and I have joined a salsa class!! Its a same sex partner friendly class, which has its good qualities and its bad qualities.

Good Qualities:
1) They are promoting equality and open mindedness.
2) We get to meet people who are similar to us.
3) I have the best dancing partner out the entire class.

Bad Qualities:
1) This is my first time leading. I'm not that great yet, so there is a lot of stopping to find the beat.
2) We are the youngest couple in the class by far. I danced with a lady who was my grandmother's age and she was giving me googly eyes.
3) There are lots of ladies who are just as bad at following as I am at leading so my toes hurt.

I'm just kidding about the bad qualities, the class is a blast! I'm so excited that we are doing this together and its fun to learn. I did this class because Jessica is the such a wonderful dancer, its hard to keep up with her and to muster up enough courage to even ask her to dance :) So I wanted to get better at partner dancing so when we go out on the town I don't look like a complete fool with her.

Now this lack of skill in dance isn't all my fault. I mean I've got all the parts to shake my money maker. Believe me, I've got the hips, the butt and the big feet. I attribute it to few different things.

1. I was a tomboy as a kid. We had community dances when I was in elementary school but I was soooo not interested when I was that age. I went to play basketball with the boys and to down as much free sugar as I could.

2. My middle school and high school years were filled with a total of 2 dances! We weren't allowed to have dancing at my school, its a grand sin supposedly. Huh, who knew that when David danced God was frowning. So much of this is due to what I like to call "The Tin Man Syndrome". My dancin parts haven't had any practice, the oil can hasn't seen them as much as it should have.

3. I lack rhythm. Now this is my fault. For some reason I hear different beats and sounds that are not in the song being played. It's like I'm moving to a completely different tune.

Do these things stop me from shakin my groove thang tho? Heck No! I looove to dance! You thought Ellen DeGeneres was the only white girl loved to dance that much... Well you've met her match! I love it! I love it! I love it! Often I'll break out in many of a Target, Kohl's, or dentist office. I don't even need a song, many times I'll just ask Jess to dance when there is no music playing. I can't stop myself!