First Hospital Accompaniment

Today has been really draining.

I had my first hospital sexual assault accompaniment today.
Big words mean- I’m an advocate for victims of sexual assault. I am whatever type of support for a victim of sexual assault when they are having a forensic exam in the hospital.

Today was my first, and very memorable.

I’m rattled and shaken, and will always have her face and the face of her son imprinted on my brain. But I remained calm and in the moment with her, trying to be what she needed for me to be at that time and giving her resources and information for me to be anything else in the times ahead.

While I sat there in the hospital room across from her I couldn’t help but think that she and I would probably be friends in another situation. But the situation that she was in, the job that I’m in, automatically put me in a position to advocate for her. I was fairly uncomfortable for a while, realizing that if I was in the bed with a gown draped around my shocked and shaken body, with all of these people around me trying to do the best at their jobs, I would just feel like they thought they were better than me, so ashamed, so numb. Many survivors do feel this way, they blame themselves, they claim they deserved it, they feel like its something within them that caused this to happen.

It was hard watching the nurse rush around her trying to gather all bits of evidence for forensics to charge against her partner. It was uncomfortable to watch the victim advocate from law enforcement pull out all of her testimony about the occurrence that had taken place not 24 hours earlier. I watched my fellow advocate that I was shadowing, give her a net of support through different options and agencies that could offer her help during the days to come. All of these people were doing wonderful things, but I felt uncomfortable because I felt that something was missing, someone to be there to just empathize with her, to talk to her like she’s a person, not a patient, a victim or a survivor.

I wanted to just reach out to her and hold her hand. Talk to her about her life, ask her what she likes to do in her spare time. I wanted to build a friendship with her, because the lack of family and friends there supporting her. I wanted to know that when she walked out the hospital door that she was going to be okay. I guess that’s why I feel so conflicted with being a ‘professional’ in crisis situations. I know that by remaining professional, there will be some distance, and in distance comes the ability to separate yourself at the end of the day from the trauma that you have been a part of, but also it sometimes keeps us so far from what the survivor might need us to be.

I know I’m assuming that she wanted a friend, that she wanted someone to be her family, the professional distance might have been protection for her. This is my bleeding heart spilling out, knowing what’s best for all victims… yeah right. This is going to take some getting used to, hiding my bleeding heart.

Insert Eye of the Tiger Here

I always have bad luck when it comes to finding out about cool events.
Last year I was reading the Austin Chronicle and saw that the Hill Country Ride for AIDS was happening that weekend. I love riding my bike, didn't have anything to do that weekend and really want there to be a cure for AIDS. Then I looked to the bottom of the page and saw that it was a 50 mile ride and that there were people who had raised thousands of dollars towards a cure. My heart and not to mention my body didn't feel I was ready.

So I committed myself to the following year, ready to train, and raise some major moola. This weekend I started training. It hasn't been so bad to tell you the truth. Taking things in 5 mile increments. Thursday I rode 5 miles, Friday I rode 5 miles and today I rode 10. And Georgetown is a pretty good place to start out, there are lots of hills and places to hit the pavement.

I really love my bike, its a steady ride. Here it is... It doesn't have a name yet, so hit me up with suggestions if you are so compelled.




Well I'll keep you all updated on the training and how you can help! Donate or be a part of the ride crew :)

So until then... DA DADADA DADADA DADADAAAAA... EYE OF THE TIGER!!

Uh Huh Her

Few days ago we went and saw one of our favorite bands Uh Huh Her, here are some pics from it.

It's been awhile

Sorry, I know I get on to many of you because you haven't updated your own blogs, and yet I neglect my own.

But I thought no one really read this thing and it was only for my own therapeutic needs. But I found out this week that I have a trusted reader! Shout out to Brittany thanks for the love! :)

Well things are going well. I'm living on campus now, lovin and enjoying life. Most of my days consist of going to work and coming home to my girl :) Can't complain. We are doing pretty well, taking things a day at a time, and enjoying the time we spend with each other. I wake up every morning wondering what it was that I could have done to deserve a person like her in my life. She's my best friend and true companion, and I love and feel about her more than anyone else my heart has come into contact with.

Most people have been supportive of us. It's been a long road and having those people to cheer us on a long the way has helped boost us with confidence in who we are. We had no clue many of our Phi Lamb friends would be so supportive and so inclusive. We assumed that this group would be the most homophobic, but we were the ones who were presumptuous in our judgment. So thank you if you have been a part of that group who has supported us as a couple and who have never treated us any differently because of this new part that you now know about who we are.

But it has been hard losing friendships, family members taking a step back, and many times having to hide who we are to individuals in our community for the sake of our jobs. It outright sucks. I remember when we started to decide to be out to a select few, I remember the fear we had of losing those we love for the one we love most. I felt like I had to choose. Or I was telling those who didn't understand that I was choosing her over being who I was to them. There was no question to me who I wanted to be, to me it wasn't a choice, it was something very biological, very emotional, very spiritual, everything that I knew within me wanted to be with this woman. A few people have asked me if I had thought that maybe I'm in this relationship because it was the next closest relationship to my ex, and I hadn't dealt with the trauma from that relationship.

If people would take the time to listen and accept that it has nothing to do with unresolved issues from the past within me, I had removed myself from my previous relationship long before I broke it off, for months even up to a year I had been hollow and not present in that relationship. I kept myself there because I thought it was the right thing to do, but I quickly found out that I could no longer do that. If people would realize that just because Jess and I didn't start out like a Disney movie relationship, and things were hard at first and we had to work through figuring out our sexuality while being in a relationship, doesn't mean that its a relationship set up for failure. If people would realize that I'm in love with this person for a reason, that she is someone that was worth working hard to be with, and that I'm happy because of where I am in my life and where I am is with this woman.

She's not leaving my life any time soon as far as we're concerned and when you shut her out you are shutting me out. My biggest wish is that those of you who are letting something stand in the way of accepting Jessica as a part of me, as a part of my life, would release that anger, fear, judgment, homophobia, loyalty to someone else, sadness. I know it might take some time, but I'm willing to help. I'm willing to work at the relationship with you in order for you to accept this large part of my life. Because when you tell me you love me for who I am, but you clearly don't accept this person in my life, you tell me that only certain parts of me are lovable.

I know I speak out of anger, sadness, and fear, things I'm asking many of you to release. We're in similar places just on the opposite ends of the scale. I want to be able to work hard for our relationship that is currently not the same because of the egg shells we are walking on around each other. It will take some time, but I want to all of us to release the hurt, pain and undesirable feelings that have been boiling the past year. I want you to be able to see first hand how happy I am, how in love I am. I want you to be able to know the best version of me because that's who I am when I'm with her.

Remembering

My dad is a wonderful cook. He's owned restaurants, been a GM at a grocery store, and now is opening restaurants again. He's the smartest man I know, and while he didn't receive his education the conventional way, he's one of the best in the business. He's worked his way from dishwasher to owner throughout the span of his lifetime, which to me says more about his passion and his character than a degree in culinary arts could.

I remember being very young and watching my dad make a can of chicken broth and an egg into a culinary delight for 3 girls. On a Sunday afternoon after church he would put together a mezzaluna plate (cheese, deli meat, spreads, dips, crackers) a feast! He's great at whipping something up just out of no where and also planning an extravagant meal that only kings would eat.

He would take us to the restaurants at a very young age, because my mom would be on a trip (she's a flight attendant) and someone would need to watch us. So while he'd be in meetings he would recruit different staff to keep an eye on us. Pastry chefs, receptionists, bartenders, servers, sous chefs, they were all our babysitters at some point. But while he thought we were merely just playing and keeping to ourselves we were keeping a watchful eye of all the inner workings of a restaurant. He would take us to different restaurants outside of his own to probably do research for his own business, but he also did it to explore our palate. We had a love for brie, foie gras, sushi, rare cuts of meat, and food from all around the world. We thought this was normal, we thought that all kids brought Greek food to school for lunch in the 2nd grade.

My mom is also a wonderful cook. Later in life I was always impressed with how she could work all day on an airplane serving cranky people and then rush home to whip up a wonderful dinner for us, who mind you weren't the most grateful. She makes the most wonderful dishes that still to this day I try and replicate when I get a craving for. And she somehow always made it home that night to make us dinner after a trip. I always knew my mother loved us, but to be able to taste it in her cooking was another constant, she didn't have to say it, even though she did. It was in the preparation, taste and presentation of the food she made for us. My mother also helped start our Wednesday night program at church which included a meal. She pulled off a homemade meal every Wednesday night for all the members in our church, mostly single handedly. Her servant heart beats way farther than being a mother, it reaches out to all who want to sit down at a table for a meal.

When I cook a meal, especially for others, I think of my parents. I think of watching their technique, learning how to chop, dice, scramble, whip, mandolin, bake, fry, saute. I know flavor profiles, I know when a dish is being made on the television what it will probably taste like. I know how to create a meal that others will experience, not just fill their bellies with. I think of all of the wonderful meals my palete has experienced because of them. I think of all of the people that have been through our house because my parents had wanted to sit down to a meal with them. I think of the looks on their faces, the look of satisfaction, for creating a meal that others will remember and enjoy. I think of their passion for cooking and for others and am thankful that I have come from such a wonderful legacy.

I will not let the rocks cry out!

I have a love hate relationship with the church. It's an interesting thing when the plans are for you to be a pastor, and you aren't really happy with how affairs are in the place you are headed. The United Methodist Church has had the opportunity time and time again to stand up and give us some proof that they mean what they say by their mission statement "Open Hearts, Open Minds, Open Doors." That's a load of bologna!

God's plan for me is grand! I know it. Sometimes God has to speak rather loudly to get my attention, and for my calling into the ministry He came with banners and fireworks and a force that I could not deny. When I was in the 6th grade and was going through confirmation the climax of our time in study was a ceremony welcoming us into the church and being baptized if we chose to do so. My parents really chose for me, I didn't really know what the hullabaloo was about, I just knew that they really wanted to see me be baptized. How was some water going to change me? What I didn't know was as I was thinking that while kneeling next to my peers at the altar, God was on his way down the aisle with his banners, and fireworks and force that I could not deny. As my pastor made his way down the line and eventually in front of my bowed head, my family laid their hands on me. My pastor splashed a handful of water on my head and a few seconds later I felt the force I could not deny. It was as if all the energy, all of the life in my body had left me, I was a lifeless piece of matter being held by those around me. Then as my pastor made his way to the next of my peers in line I felt a rush of energy enter my body that felt like a hurricane. I can't describe it, it was the most sustaining, sure, and safe place I've ever been in my life. It was then that I knew that God had big plans in store for me.

As I grew older I became to be more aware of what my gifts were, what God had instilled in me that day kneeling at the altar. I became aware. As I grew older I also became increasingly aware of feelings and thoughts that I knew weren't widely accepted by the church and especially by society. I remember one time telling my friend that I wanted to kiss another girl in my class at the lunch table. I remember the reaction from my friend, and quickly shutting up so not to step out of the box that I had been placed into. For a long time I knew that my feelings weren't how society and the church wanted them to be. But God had instilled them in me, I couldn't get rid of them, I couldn't get them to go away, so I decided to just be silent and try to forget about them. But I should have known, God was not going to be silent, he was going to come with banners, fireworks and a force I could not deny to show me that who he created me to be was loved and cared about in his eyes. He showed me that who he created me to be was much bigger than an institution, than a set of beliefs, than society. And that the person he created in me and the plans that he had for me were big! And weren't meant to be kept silent.

My denomination that I belong to (the United Methodist Church) has another thing coming to them if they think they can silence me and who I am. Luke 19:40 reads, "I tell you," he replied, "if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out." Those stones aren't going to be crying out if I have anything to do with it. God showed me early on that he had big plans for my life. What if Jesus had kept silent? Hadn't preached a message of love, acceptance and grace? What if he had not spoken up for the woman who was to be stoned? What if he had not advocated for the poor and the marginalized? What if he hadn't become angry and vocal in the temple? What if he had just left the lame and the sick to die and be forgotten about? Jesus didn't, he came to bring the banners, fireworks and a force that couldn't be denied. He came to bring a message of love and inclusiveness. He came to open hearts, open minds and open doors.

Just because my church tries to silence me doesn't mean that I'm going to let the rocks cry out. What if as a pastor, or better yet, as a Christian I never reached out to the sick and the lame? What would happen if I never advocated for the poor and the marginalized? What would happen if I never spoke of the atrocious and terrible way that this world is unbalanced? What if I never spoke of love, grace and inclusiveness? What if I kept silent? I would be denying the person who I was created to be and more importantly, the message the Jesus came to deliver.

So when my church thinks they can silence me, they've got another thing coming to them. Because when it is my time to be in the pulpit, to deliver my message, I'm going to change hearts, challenge minds and bust open doors! And when they try and silence me, I will bring the banners, the fireworks, and I will bring a force that they will not be able to deny.

1 point for Britter!

So today was great!

It was a stressful day to start out, but it got to be so much better!

Today the Texas Council on Family Violence reps came out to see me and my program... wait I probably should explain what I do first.

My title is Domestic Violence Primary Prevention Specialist. So what that means is that about 75% of my time is devoted to creating a grassroots effort to prevent Family Violence (also known as Domesitc Violence), by collaborating with community members. Right now I'm mapping out what our community (Williamson County)looks like, in all aspects. So I'm working with the Census, crime reports, county data, city data, etc. etc. etc. I am the head of a community coalition where we foster discussion and strategically plan a pilot project based on the information that we have collected to prevent Family Violence. So I do lots of shmoozing to community members to be stakeholders and convince other community members that this is worthwhile. I also gather data in a lot of forms, interviews, focus groups, surveys, etc, to see what the norms are, what the problem of DV (domestic violence) is.

Well TCFV (Texas Council on Family Violence) is an agency that kind of makes sure that I'm in compliance and on track with my grant. They are great! But they also have lots of power. For example, after today's meeting they report back to HHSC (where my grant comes from) what our progress and our promise is.

Well I was pretty nervous about today's meeting. Because it was going to be our CEO, 2 TCFV people and myself in this meeting. I was to tell them what we have done up until this point (which I didn't have much of a clue since I've only been here for a month and there wasn't any material given to me from the person in this position before me), and to tell them where we are planning on going. So today was about making a good first impression and also showing promise for our pilot project.
It was also important to me to show our CEO that I have the skills to do this job, and that I'm excited about it as well, so she can put faith in me to do a good job.

I think I did a pretty good job! I felt like such the adult! Conducting a meeting! I even made handouts... and funny thing... One of the reps from TCFV had the same handout that I had given them, to give to me! :) BOO YA!
My boss seemed happy and confident about my program and also seemed happy with my performance in the meeting. The TCFV reps seemed excited about our planning process and where we are going. So everyone was happy all around!