Oh Georgetown...

Okay so I need to share this with the few of you who click on my blog every now and then.

On Monday I went to HEB on I35 to pick up a couple of things for dinner. As I was coming up to the check out line I remembered that the People Magazine issue with Portia De Rossi and Ellen Degeneres' wedding pictures had come out. So I began to look for it in the check out line I was in and couldn't find it. There was a magazine turned around with its backside facing me, but I was looking for the beautiful cover of the two of them looking so wedding day like. So I went to the next line to see if it was there. Same thing, no magazine but the same magazine that was turned around in the other line was turned around in that line too. I pulled it out of its wire basket and turned it around and realized that it was People, and all of the People magazines were turned around in that line.

I thought to myself, "Seriously!?!?!" So I went to the other lines down the aisle and realized that all of the People Magazines were turned around. UGGGG GEORGETOWN!!! So while I was checking out I asked the clerk what the deal was with all the magazines being turned around, he proceeded to tell me this. "Well we've had some complaints about it, people are saying its just not an appropriate magazine to have in the check out. It's not family friendly."

What the hell?!?!? WTF!?!?

Not family friendly!?!!? So the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition, the tabloids with jacked up celebrities, and the Cosmo's with kinky sex tips are family friendly? And this magazine isn't!??!



PUHLEASE!!

So I then proceeded to ask to speak to a manager. So he calls one over. This guy looks like he could be my younger brother... How is he qualified to run a grocery store?!!? As he's walking over I began to feel bad about the hell he's about to get from me, but then I quickly shoo that thought away because I know that I've got to stand up for equal magazine rights! :)

Here's the conversation, well ass kicking really that took place:

"Hi sir, I was just wondering why all these magazines are turned around?"

"Well we've had more complaints about these magazines being turned around than people buying them, so we're just trying to please the majority of our customers. We're trying to find a compromise so people who would like to buy them can, we can keep them in the designated place, and those who find it offensive don't have to see it."

"Well sir, I find it offensive that its turned around, quite frankly this is discrimination. If you are going to turn these around than all the tabloids, the sports illustrated swim suit edition, and the cosmos need to be turned around."

"Maam I'm sorry that you find it offensive...."

"No. This is whats going to happen. When I come back, if I come back to this store. They had better be turned back around, or you will find a lawsuit bigger than Texas on this store. And believe me it will be worth it for me to do that over a magazine."

"I understand maam. I hope that you found everything you needed today and that you will come back and see us."

"That depends on you sir."

Experience and Belief

I'm a hoarder. It's so hard for me to throw things away, I keep thinking that I might need it, or there might come a time that I might fit into those size 2 pants, or someone else might need a sparkly bouncy ball that lights up when you bounce it. It's so hard for me to let those things go sometimes, I attach memories with things to help me recall the feeling that I felt when someone gave me that item, or where I was in my life when I bought it.

I love going to garage sales but I hate putting one on. It's hard for me to go through my stuff and discard things I once found meaningful. I still haven't been able to part with any stuffed animal that I've been given through the course of my life. Things we treasure are given away, sold, bought, and we move on to new experiences.

This paradigm is also true in the spiritual world. It is often necessary for us to discard cherished beliefs we had at one point in our life, to be faithful to our experiences with God. Leaving behind old truths, changing our minds, growing is painful. We need to remember that God didn't create us with beliefs already instilled in our being, we were taught the things that we believe. For many of us our beliefs that were taught were reinforced by experiences. But many of us, most of us, accepted the things being taught with little or not reflection or questioning. Well first, how could we? Many of us were quite young at the beginning of our spiritual education. And secondly if we came into contact with spirituality at a later time, we trust the 'experts' and the 'experienced' to tell us what it all means, how it should be, feel, where the boundaries are.

I remember when the idea of going to hell became very real for me. I was at summer camp as a middle school student and we were talking about the grace of God, how by believing in him (and be sure that they had the step by step ways to do that) you would be in this society of the saved. It was that easy. The ones who questioned, who lived their lives outside of the procedure, those who didn't believe "GASP!" were going to be going to this firey, dark, Godless place and it was our jobs as the saved ones to influence them to make a change.

I came back from camp realizing that I knew a lot of people who fit the unsaved, and I was scared for them, I was scared what God would say if I didn't save them. I became friends with people who thought the same way I did, I shunned people who didn't. I became very vocal, calling people out on their missteps, my friends, my family. I was God's little moral judge.

I remember having a conversation with a friend of mine who was Bahá’í. She bravely went to our Christian school everyday believing in something that looked different than all of us. I tried to talk to her about Jesus, I tried to save her from the firey gates of hell, and she was so patient and gracious with me. I told her Jesus was the only one and reminded her of what the Bible said would happen to her if she didn't believe. How ignorant, how ridiculous, and how hypocritical of me. I hadn't even read all of the Bible, I didn't even know which scripture to quote to her. I hadn't learned about the Bahá’í faith that they did know and study Jesus, but also studied other religious figures such as Buddha, Muhammad, and Abraham. I ignorantly condemned this friend of mine to hell in the name of love for her and love for God.
Where's grace in that? If anything God's grace is being showered down upon me in my terribly real human faults.

It wasn't until I came to college where I began to question and reform my beliefs. I became a Phi Lamb as the same person I was in highschool: judgmental, unwavering and had all the answers. My experience and knowledge of God was stronger and better than anyone else's, I was going to be a pastor and that made me special. It was like God had given me a special talent to judge, direct and counsel people in the straight and narrow paths.

I became chaplain my sophomore year and everything started to crash. People started to come to me with questions and problems that I couldn't answer or speak to their experience. So I watered it down, I tried to give them black and white answers, I gave them what they wanted to hear or I made them feel like they needed to change for the sake of their salvation. I didn't necessarily do that with my words as much as I did with my way of leading. In the midst of their questions I began to question on my own, while trying to keep the facade all together.

I went through about a year of deep questioning. My junior year I took a big step back from Phi Lambs, from church, from God. I looked at my experience, and I thought of the experience that those girls and others had shared with me. I realized that in order for me to believe in the full potential of God's grace and the power of Jesus that I needed to expand my view, and I needed to let go of the nitty gritty. I was inspired by Isaiah, "O Lord, you are our Father. We are the clay, and you are the potter; we are ALL the work of your hand." (Isaiah 64:8).

My junior year and most definitely into my senior year (more to come here: spiritual crisis) did I begin to realize that the God I was coming to know was the God who had much wider arms than I had perceived. His hand and his reach are much farther than I could ever imagine, and I believe that's what Jesus was sent down here to tell us. I started to realize that God wasn't done speaking to us when the Bible was created, He is still speaking to us and to me and sending us new messages everyday.

I am thankful for my time as a conservative, unwavering, got it all together Christian. I believe that many of the things that I learned in that time were true and even though I don't necessarily believe what I believed then, it helped me to become the person I am today and the person I still am becoming.

Rooster!

So this past weekend I FINALLY got to see my Rooster.


There's something about when Liz and I get to see each other that makes me just feel such pure joy. It's like that feeling when you are in preschool, and you go to school having seen your friend the day before but are so excited to see them again that its like you haven't seen them in forever! Except for the fact that I haven't seen her since January and before that I hadn't seen her since June.

Liz was my college roommate my sophomore and senior year, and I can't believe it that she has never ever judged me during that time and beyond. We both have changed so much since then, but when we see each other or talk on the phone its like we've never skipped a beat. It's comforting to know, and I'm so thankful to know that I have her in my life. Where no matter what I do, whom I change into, where I am, that we are always going to be friends. Our relationship has never been about who we are at that moment, or the choices we are or aren't making, or the proximity of where we live. It's always been about a loyalty and connection that we feel towards each other that transcends the changes and challenges of life.

She's been through the thick and thin with me. Has always listened to me rant, cry and work things through my head. She offers advice and encouragement but never judgment. She allows me to be me, and loves me for it. And I can't begin to express how grateful I am for her and her friendship.

If Grace is True

So I'm rereading this wonderful book called, "If Grace is True" by Philip Gulley and James Mulholland. It's an interesting little book and will gently shake the foundations of your faith. I read it about twice a year and each time I've reexamined what it is that I hold true. The next few postings will probably be inspired from what I'm reading.

I become so intrigued by believers who feel like they have all the answers. I'm sorry, but I feel a little uneasy about a 20 year old telling me that they know all the answers. No but seriously, I can't imagine how constricted they must feel at times, how small and black and white life must look. I'm not trying to point fingers and to criticize, I've been there. I referred to scripture for everything, I prayed about everything, and judged everything/everyone to either be right or wrong. *Disclaimer: I'm not saying that referring to scripture, praying, or judgment is wrong. But I do believe that when you make that your entire spiritual life or life in general, when you limit yourself to experiencing God in only those ways, you are restricting yourself from the fullness of God.

We (Christians) are so quick to carve our beliefs into stone, the initial experiences we have become what everything needs to measure up to, becomes our law that we judge everything according to. We are so focused on the prize to be won (salvation) and getting others on board with us that we miss out on the real gift of grace, being thankful that its already been given to us. Christ is radical and came to bring a radical message, "Love and I'll take care of the rest." Love is a broad word. It doesn't map out for us how we should go about doing that, he just says to love. That's kind of uneasy for many of us, it puts us in a vulnerable place, especially those of us(I'll be the first to identify in this way) who need to know the expectations and the rules.

It takes powerful experiences to soften the heart and mind to be molded in new ways. That means that sometimes we are going to feel lost, out of our comfort zone, we are going to meet people who aren't like us, it means we are going to make many different types of decisions and experience a very colorful life. And God forbid it might even mean that we change our minds about certain things we held so tightly to be true.

Thank God for Grace.

Britter's got a new job!!!

So after being on the job hunt for about a month.... I AM EMPLOYED!!!
And to make it even better I had 2 agencies hungry for my employment.... HAHA!! It's nice to have people fighting for you to work for them, its a good feeling.

So September 2nd I will start my new position at Hope Alliance as a Violence Prevention Specialist. I'll be facilitating a couple of groups a week, but also creating a violence prevention program collaborating with other agencies and people in Williamson County. I'm really excited to create a program on my own and to make connections with people to make services better here. YAY!

Also today my little sister Maisey is going to college! EEK!! Wow, I can't believe its really happening. She makes me so proud and I am so excited for her to be able to go out west. She is going to have a blast. My first day at SU seems like yesterday but also seems like it was an eternity ago. I've grown into a completely different person than who I was the first day I stepped onto campus.

I'm just so proud of her and I know she's going to love college life!

Sorry this is a really random post...

:)

Have a blessed week!

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

Seems to be what I'm up to tonight... No not singing the Jack Johnson song that above title probably reminds you of.

I'm content... I just ate a crawfish salad (field greens, tomato, black bean and corn salsa, pickled oninons, avacado, crawfish and REMOULADE!) Then for dessert I had a lemon bar... mmmm mmmm. I know you are dying to know what I eat for dinner, so I thought I'd share.

I'm sitting here in Austin Java, content. My belly is full, I'm eavesdropping, writing, and feeling much better than yesterday's post.

My grandmother sent me a poem today in the mail and it gave me a perspective on what's going on in this life I was loathing yesterday. I'm a hare, not a tortoise. I want to be at the end as soon as I can, and take the shortest route possible. Slow and steady wins the race right? Oh but its so hard for me to become a tortoise.

Right now I want to be married, kids in college, with someone I love and have grown an old with. Silly huh? I want to be there. Not that I am ready to be there, but it pains me not to be. I don't want the pain, the falling flat on my face, the wrong turns. I haven't quite figured out why I'm so leary of the rough patches.

It takes reminding, like this poem did for me, that its the JOURNEY ("Don't stop believin!!") that's going to make the kids in college, retiring from a career, and sitting on the porch with the one I love in our rocking chairs watching the sun go down, feel so rewarding.

Thank you Grandma Sandy for your timing in sending me this:

ITHAKA

As you set out for Ithaka
hope your road is a long one,
full of adventure, full of discovery.
Laistrygonians, Cyclops,
angry Poseidon - don't be afraid of them:
you'll never find things like that one on your way
as long as you keep your thoughts raised high,
as long as a rare excitement
stirs your spirit and your body.
Laistrygonians, Cyclops,
wild Poseidon - you won't encounter them
unless you bring them along inside your soul,
unless your soul sets them up in front of you.

Hope your road is a long one.
May there be many summer mornings when,
with what pleasure, what joy,
you enter harbours you're seeing for the first time;
may you stop at Phoenician trading stations
to buy fine things,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
sensual perfumes of every kind -
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
and may you visit many Egyptian cities
to learn and go on learning from their scholars.

Keep Ithaka always in your mind.
Arriving there is what you're destined for.
But don't hurry the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years,
so you're old by the time you reach the island,
wealthy with all you've gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.

Ithaka gave you the marvellous journey.
Without her you wouldn't have set out.
She has nothing left to give you now.
And if you find her poor, Ithaka won't have fooled you.
Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,
you'll have understood by then what these Ithakas mean

An alternative translation of "Ithaka"

Constantine P. Cavafy

Control

I'm a self proclaimed control freak.

When things are out of my hands and I can't have any influence over the outcome, I turn into the worst version of myself.



When I can lead the horse to water but can't make it drink, I'll try and drown it. (Animal right activists, this is simply a metaphor).


Right now most of my life has jumped out of my reach to be able to control. I've found myself living in different circumstances than I had anticipated, and planned. I had a hand in controlling the destiny I saw myself living. But things out of my control happened, well 'happened' is such a mundane word compared to my life... seized fits.

So right now I'm learning to be content with the way things are now, but I'm not necessarily happy about it. I'm dealing, because that's the only thing that I really have control of, and to lose control of that would be too much. So right now I'm controlling the dealing.

Dealing is funny, well not really... Right now I don't even know if what I'm doing is dealing. I'm just kind of in this angry place, pouting because I'm not where I was planning on being.