Thoughts on Love and Change

So last night I was watching the L word and its the episode that Shane leaves Carmen at the altar of their wedding day. And the reason that she has left is because her father has left his wife to sleep around with other women. She's constantly reminded throughout the show that she is just like him, and that she's got his character. I think that she sees how this character can hurt someone and shatter someone's dream of a family and children.

I don't think Shane left Carmen out of selfishness, I think that she left Carmen because she felt that her character could never change, and that she didn't want to end up hurting Carmen. UHHH! This broke my heart. I can't stand it when I get so involved with fictional characters that I'm heart broken the next morning because of what was written in a script and happened on the television the night before. But it got me thinking. Can love change a person, or does a person always stay who they were before the relationship?

I mean I believe that all relationships have an effect on who you are and how you make decisions and why you react in certain ways. But I'm still confused if relationships can completely change your person. Speaking from personal experience: the 2 relationships I have been in over my lifetime have been completely different. The first was a constant struggle to not allow myself to completely change, my soul would not allow it, even if I tried, I could not change who I was. It wasn't possible and it allowed me to spiral into a deep dark place. But once I finally realized what was occurring, I couldn't allow it to happen anymore. So I ended it.

But now that I'm in this new relationship, it feels different. I wouldn't say that I'm the same person I was before I was in this relationship, but I also feel comfortable being myself. Its a strange feeling, wanting to become a better person, but also trying to keep your personhood ( i think i just made up this word :) )
This relationship drives me to want to do better, be better, feel better. But it also doesn't ask me to be someone that I'm no where close to being. Not saying that this doesn't come without hardship, sometimes it does feel like I am stretching myself to react in a way that isn't my first instinct, or to say something that isn't the first thing that comes to mind. I'm learning to be a more loving, more gracious, more patient individual while being with another individual who is very much an individual. I'm learning to love that person with all their individuality, their quirks, bad days, baggage and faults. And to my surprise I'm realizing that I'm loved and graciously accepted with all of mine.

Here's to change!

So this is now my life every Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning... why do I put myself through these terrible experiences?

No I'm not in the military, I'm putting myself through work out hell every morning. Right now my fingers that I'm using to type this post is about the only thing I can move in my body right now. The first day we did a fitness test, 1 mile, crunches for 1 minute, and push ups till you maxed out. On Monday we did a hellish cornucopia of exercises: A mile run, dips, push ups, sit ups, running lifts, squats, lunges, bear crawls, at an unstoppable rate. I mean it really sucked, especially being at 5:30 in the morning, but after it was all over I felt great. And hopefully at the end of the month when the class is over my body will feel great too.

Other than that my life has been pretty much the same. Working at Lifesteps. I've started with my new groups. I'm having a hard time separating myself from the kids. Its hard going home for the day and knowing or really not knowing what is going to happen to them when they go home. I find that its been hard for me to fall asleep without scanning through each name, each face, each story and praying over each one. Sometimes I've found that my irritability and my impatience with people after work is because of things that I come across at work. I've never really connected that before, but it makes sense.