Untruth is my enemy

“John Hagee is not my enemy. Cornerstone is not my enemy. Untruth is my enemy.”

This mantra played over and over again in my head yesterday like a ferris wheel cart coming around and around on its monotonous track. A few of my dear friends, about 40-50 other people from around Texas and representatives from Soulforce (soulforce.org) and Atticus Circle (http://www.atticuscircle.org/) attended worship at Cornerstone Church in San Antonio. We planned to attend a ‘dialogue’ with some of the members of the church about this church's hateful campaign against LGBT persons, how it must end, and how we can be a part of helping them end it. I could see in my very imaginative mind the scene from “Braveheart”: The Cornerstone church with their 18,000 member army with bibles in hand, our side clearly being outnumbered. Our leaders pumping our spirits up with thematic music playing in the background (like all good battle scenes in films do) and with a grand shout “They may take our lives! But they will never take our freedom!!!!!” I have quite the imagination, I know.

John Hagee is most well known for his close ties with the Republican party as one of John McCain’s campaign spiritual advisors. He is founder and senior pastor of Cornerstone Church, a non-denominational-charismatic church. Church services are televised globally and is the founder of many fundamental Christian foundations. His personal theology was the center of controversy this year when he stated, "I believe that the Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans...I believe that New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God, and they are -- were recipients of the judgment of God for that...There was to be a homosexual parade there on the Monday that the Katrina came. And the promise of that parade was that it was going to reach a level of sexuality never demonstrated before in any of the other Gay Pride parades...The Bible teaches that when you violate the law of God, that God brings punishment sometimes before the day of judgment."He has also made other similar comments about lgbt persons as well as other marginalized groups (http://tinyurl.com/p3gek8).
So as you can see it was hard for me to imagine myself remaining peaceful and calm with the comments he has publicly made and how churches like these have been so instrumental in causing hurt to my community. But I told myself that I would breathe a lot, recite my mantra and remember the support that my community gives to me.
We arrived at the church and as we walked in this grand choir singing as if the gates of heaven had been opened. It was absolutely beautiful and you couldn’t help but be moved by the musicality and fervor that they sung with. The music was juxtaposed by male-only security/usher detail lining the entire perimeter of the room. This was quite intimidating especially when you are wearing a name tag that distinguishes why you are there: Britt Cox “Sunday of Solidarity”. The service mirrored the charismatic services I had seen on television, lots of shouting and movements by the Spirit, very exuberant preaching style, an emphasis on giving financially. I’ll be honest, I can get into the movements of the Spirit and the charismatic preaching style, and especially the music that this type of denomination provides. I think I just like my church with some seasoning and spice.

Something that surprised me was the discussion we had with congregants after the service. Rev. Hagee provided a reception for us with cookies and punch. It began by him addressing the crowd with something to the effect of, “We know that we disagree on this issue,” but he never spoke about what that issue was. After his opening remarks he took the leadership of Soulforce and Atticus Circle into a private meeting for about fifteen minutes. Rev. Hagee’s policy is to record any private meetings with interest groups that meet with him but will not allow those groups to bring any type of recording devices with him. Once his security detail closed the doors of his private chamber we were left to mix and mingle with the congregants.

My friend Betsy and I talked to a couple that was sitting behind us. I’m embarrassed to say that their names escape me, I think I might have been too nervous to remember. We started off by talking about our jobs, where we’re from and our church homes. The man was one of the many pastors at the church and also does some child advocacy work in San Antonio. He dominated most of the conversation and from my assumption it was because of nerves and control of the situation. His wife barely spoke and he barely gave us room to speak. But he did ask some questions such as: Why did you come to this discussion? Have you faced any discrimination personally?

He also counsels church members and many have come to him and said that they are struggling with homosexual feelings. He used lots of terms such as, “choice,” “lifestyle,” “decision.” I struggled with confronting him on those words. I didn’t know if having a conversation was the greater effort and if confronting him on the use of those words would block any potential discussion. I felt that the greater good was to be able to give him a face and a story. Hopefully those 2 things will open his heart further to be aware of the ways in which language and demeanor further marginalizes those who are in the LGBT community.

I felt really sad for Cornerstone, it seemed like it was unchristian of them to discuss homosexuality so openly. My feelings coming out of the discussion that lasted no more than 20 minutes, was that this was all for show. If this conservative, literalist group could have a preacher that lashes out against my community so openly then why couldn’t they be transparent during a one-on-one discussion. In my opinion it is kind of like their dream situation: here’s a gay now attack. But they didn’t, at least not in such an aggressive way as I had expected. Their silence to me was cowardly. We had come to have an open discussion but they didn’t want to play. Maybe they didn’t feel safe, maybe they really had different views than their pastor, maybe there wasn’t enough time, maybe they wanted to look like the good guys on their home turf, I don’t know what the real reason was. However, I really would have liked to have found a middle ground.

Even though this experience wasn’t what I thought it would be, I feel that it is a powerful tool to forward change on this issue. So I will continue to be a part of discussing and telling my story knowing that God loves me, is proud of me, and will continue to shape and mold me through experiences like this.

How long O Lord?

How long, God of justice, how long
before you hear the cries of your people?
How long will the poor be hungry
Before they are fed?
How long will children fear death
Before you hold them in your arms?
How long must the weak suffer
At the hands of their oppressors?

What keeps you from acting?
For your Name’s sake we ask!
Father of the Poor. Mother of Mercy.
God of all consolation!
Your silence makes mockery of your name.
Come, God of Justice.
Too much suffering, too many deaths.
You have waited long enough!
Strike quickly in our world
and today
in our hearts.

Prayer by: Pat Kozak and Janet Schaffran

Take a chance.

This was a free association journal entry I wrote:

I want a chance.
I really can’t believe that one decision has changed everything.
Can’t you see that I’m happy? That I’m truly loved? And that this is not about you, its about me.
I’m listening to your words and am thinking the entire time how I can slay the dragon that is standing in the way of your view of me.

I need a chance.
I come with smiles and hugs and interest into your dramatic tales of love, adventure and mystery. But to you my story is an infomercial that you change the channel as soon as it arrives. You don’t want to know, you don’t want to try and you don’t want to invest.

I’m going to take a chance.
I’ve got one hell of a fairy tale. Cinderella has nothing on me.
So while you are waiting around to reconcile your story with mine, I’m in a far away land.
I’ve found my adventure, I’ve found my lady to fight for, and I’m living happily ever after.

I’m going to give you a chance.
It’s hard to see you suffer and wrestle with God.
I hope that one day that you will join me, that the spell that is ripping our hearts to shreds will be lifted.
I can’t try and save you anymore, its killing me and you.

When you are free, when you are ready, you know where to find me.

Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should

Faithul readers,
Sorry to leave you hanging on the looming decision I wrote about in my last post.

I have come to a decision about my part on the leadership team. First of all I want to thank all of my community of saints that emailed, called, prayed and lifted Jessica and me up while we were mulling over all of the possible directions we could go. The last post that I submitted was an email that I had sent out to my ‘community of saints’. People who I look to for strength, hope and example. I was humbly blown over by the response.
Below are some snippets of the strength that they passed onto me:

“Love and light to you on this journey. Your intuition will never lead you astray. “

“My heart aches to know that this world is still filled with so much ignorance on this issue.”

“You have an opportunity here to make history and fulfill not only your dreams, but the dreams of others. Not everyone has the chance to make this big of an impact in the world. Think long and hard before you give it up. That being said, this is a big decision and it has the potential to really change you and Jessica's life.”

“You are held in so much love and support, you cannot fail! I'll pray you move forward with the humble confidence of knowing you are standing for justice, and you can't lose when that is the case.”

“It takes strength to stand up to an institution, even if we believe & KNOW that we are right and the institution is wrong. It's one thing to agree with Martin Luther King, Jr's statement: "The time is always right to do what is right."

“You have an army of family and friends who love, support and will back you no matter what. I know you'll do great things and I'm so proud of you!!”

“You have always been in our prayers and I don't doubt for a moment that you are called to ministry. What it looks like only God knows and will reveal to you in time.”

“Do not be afraid! He is with you always in all that you do, and your calling seems so strong I cannot imagine you failing in any way! I know God will show you and
Jessica the way and you have our unwavering support!!”

“Would you really want to keep so much about yourself quiet? Would it make you happy working within a church where people assumed you had a different sexual orientation than you do just because you are a pastor and pastors can't be homosexual (now)? I'll be honest and say I don't think you would be satisfied with it. I think that God will be able to use you so much more when you are able to speak openly about who you are, how you are God's beautiful, distinct creation, and what God has done in your life. It fills me with excitement to think about being able to fight for a fuller expression of God's love in the Church. I know that there is danger, but I also can only imagine how fulfilling it would be to one day say that you fought for the rights of others and won (As I truly believe the reconciling movement will with time). In short, I love you and support you in (and maybe even push you towards) this ministry, but I also understand how difficult it would be. If there is anything I can do to help let me know. Also, I know its a few years off, but when I can, you'll have my vote.”

“The fact of the matter is that we have some very ugly people in our churches. People are so afraid of this issue. People can say anything. And yet, the only way the church is ever going to change is for people to share their story, stand up and tell about the God who has called them and made them who they are, and work hard and painfully for change. It is going to take people like Harvey Milk to make it happen. If you feel called to it then I am not sure you can turn it down. God will keep calling.”

I’ve made my decision. I’ve enlisted.

"I’ve decided to be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power, to put on the full armor of God so that I can take my stand! My struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities. I am putting on the full armor of God so that I may be able to stand my ground. I will stand firm with the belt of truth buckled around my waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with my feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. With all of this, I will also take up the shield of faith, with which I can extinguish all the flaming arrows of those who will fight against me. I will put on the helmet of salvation and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. I will pray, in all occasions, in trials, in victories and in uncertainties. With this I will be aware and always continuing to pray for all of the saints fighting beside me.

Pray for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given to me so that I will be fearless and make known the unfathomable love of Jesus, for which I am an ambassador in chains.

Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should."
(My verison of Ephesians 6:10-20).

The Call

I am calling on you all for prayer and help in discerning a unique and amazing opportunity that has come to Jessica and me. As many of you know I have felt a very strong call to ordained ministry since I was twelve and has continued to be the most real thing I have ever felt in my life. Since coming out as a lesbian, I have become more aware of my role as a pastor to be a voice for those who have been silenced, especially in the church. Jessica and I became involved in a group called “The Reconciling Ministries Network,” whose mission is to work for full participation for all persons within the United Methodist Church. This group is working very hard to gain equal rights within the church for people of all sexual orientations. A person on the national task force has asked Jessica and me to be representatives for the Southwest Texas Conference for this issue. We would be recruiting, educating others, and speaking with voting members of the General Conference to vote in favor of equal church rights. This would be a role that would require us to be very open, very public and very honest about our stories.

Currently there is very conflicting doctrine in the UM church in regards to homosexuality, (go here to read more http://archives.umc.org/interior.asp?ptid=1&mid=1324). There isn’t any clear doctrine that can keep an LGBT person from becoming a member of the church, but there also isn’t any clear doctrine that can stop a pastor from denying membership rights to an LGBT person. This is the issue we are currently trying to vote on by the next General Conference. The doctrine that speaks loudest to me is article 304.3 about clergy, the church will not ordain ‘self-avoid practicing homosexuals’. There are many UM clergy that have been denied their ordination, had their pastoral rights taken away, or have had to keep their personal lives hidden to keep this from happening.

I realize that being asked to do this is quite an honor and a unique opportunity that could really enrich my experience in ministry. However, by being public about my story of my call to ministry and the barriers that are in place because of my sexual orientation might bring more obstacles. By being very public with this effort, I fear that when my ordination comes around that it will be contested by someone and I will not be able to do what I feel God has been calling me to do. On the other hand, I feel called to fight this fight as well, I’m afraid that by being silent I’m not being true to the call to be a voice for those who have been silenced.

So what I’m asking you all for is your prayers for discernment, guidance, strength and peace. This decision feels HUGE, much bigger than me. I feel a lot like David holding a stone and a sling looking up at Goliath, shaking in his sandals. I feel a lot like Moses, doubtful of my abilities and gifts to lead when God is calling me to. I feel a lot like Jonah, afraid of the place God is calling me to go. Whatever I decide I know that God is with me and will use me and my gifts for ministry. I thank God for all of you and your continual support and love. It fills my heart with hope and joy to know that I have such a supportive community of saints in all of you.

Peace,

Britt

Things aren't always as they seem

This blew me away!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

The Face of Christ

I meant to write this post last weekend right after the reconciling service at FUMC Austin, but things have been quite busy. I had a grant report due and a huge meeting I had to lead on Monday and thankfully things have been slowing down since then, but they still have been busy.

There are only a handful of times that I have felt the genuine happiness that I experienced last Sunday night. Jessica and I had invited friends to attend First United Methodist’s reconciling worship service. I’ve written about the Reconciling Ministries on this blog before, but for first time reader sake here’s RMN 101. Currently there is not official church legislation that gives equal membership rights to LGBT persons, the Reconciling Ministries Network is a “movement of United Methodist individuals, congregations, campus ministries, and other groups working for the full participation of all people in the United Methodist Church.” (rmnetwork.org) It is their hope and vision that the UM church will be fully inclusive to LGBT persons and be true to the statement it professes that it exemplifies, “Open Hearts, Open Minds, Open Doors.” First UMC Austin created a worship service especially for this effort to mourn the hurt that the church has caused the LGBT community, to celebrate the success the movement has had, and to give us hope and encouragement in looking at the future.

I knew when we had decided to go to this service I didn’t want to go alone, I wanted to experience this with my community of saints. You see when Jessica and I came out, we were most worried about losing our friends in the Christian community. We thought they wouldn’t understand, that they wouldn’t be able to mix faith and our sexual orientation and eventually we would separate like oil and water. But to our surprise, they were the most inclusive and encouraging group we could have ever asked for. So when I heard about this service, I wanted them to experience this as well.

We entered the beautiful sanctuary at FUMC, a worship experience in itself by just being present in that space. We picked out a row near the front and filed in one by one. Each person had brought in their different story of experience with the church, but were there to support us and to witness something new. As the service began I put my arm around Jessica, something I have started to take for granted at the church we attend. I leaned over to her and whispered how proud I was to be in this place with her and how much I love her. I then looked down the row at my friends and it became overwhelming. It meant so much to me that they were all there, sitting in support of us. To have friends that might not completely understand your sexual orientation, but who are willing to learn and stand in support of you (well in our case sitting in a pew) makes you feel about 10 feet tall. Just because I'm a lesbian hasn't changed my friendship with them in any way, they haven't allowed that to happen. I am loved just the way I am.

To me they are mirroring God's love for us. That night I saw the face of God in each of my friends' faces. I know that the road ahead for me is going to a hard and long fight. Its going to be full of people who don't support me and my 'lifestyle', and will try and keep me from being ordained, having equal rights, and living the way I believe God created me to. But sitting in that pew with my brothers and sisters gave me a hope that I know will fuel me to continue living and becoming the person I believe God created me to be. This group represented so much to me last Sunday night and it became overwhelming for me to be a part of. I wanted those who have not been able to be fully supportive to see this beautiful picture of God's face.

Thank you friends for being the loving face of Christ.