The Fury

Right now I'm reading James Fry's "My Friend Leonard" its the sequel to "Million little pieces."

The way he describes anger as "the fury," not as simply as "fury," but "THE fury". That rises up within him and takes him over when he becomes angered. It's this uncontrollable anger that creeps up within him and takes over his actions.

Something in a book has never resonated with me in this way. I feel much of what James feels when anger strikes. I feel it creeping up from the very most dark corner of my being and spreading like a swarm of locusts into the rest of my body. It takes over my breathing, my heart rate, my muscles feel as if they are supercharged, my legs become very stiff, and my gaze very very narrow. I have all the power to strike something, or break it or throw it to the ends of the earth. I never really want to hit people, at least I don't think. I always want to/ or end up taking it out on inanimate objects such as walls or doors.

I know this is kind of a behavior that shows that I'm out of control of my emotions and feelings, but I've become better at suppressing it. I don't want the everyday person to see me punching a wall, they might have me committed, so I've learned to suppress the actions. Oh but that fury, it still rises and rises until there must be some breaking point. Usually I just try and get my mind off of the cause of my anger, but lately that's been hard to do, so I think I need to find another antidote.

I really just want it to end.

Luna

I have decided to save up my money and buy a puppy next summer. Well there are a lot of factors in it, but hopefully I won't be living in an apartment, and hopefully I will have the time to take care of it. If I don't I will just keep waiting until I do.

But I want a brown and white boston terrier.

I saw one the other day at Petsmart, which I cant stand that place. They are cruel to those dogs! But I frequently visit there imagining myself breaking those dogs free of those terrible cages.

Anyways, there was this beautiful light brown and white boston. She was sooo pretty and I really just wanted to take her home with me. When she turned around to show play with another dog in the cage I saw this white mark on her neck that looked like a moon! So in honor of this dog I think I will name my Boston Terrier Luna (like the moona! hahaha!)

Laundromat encounters

The other night when I got home from seeing my family I had some laundry to do so I decided to grace the local laundromat with my presence. I thought it might be a nice relaxing night, I was going to take a book and be on my own for a couple of hours, able to get away and just enjoy the company of myself.

Well I got there around 7:30 and stumbled in with my undergarments, sheets, and clothes from the week before. I looked around for a group of open washers where I could set up shop for the next couple of hours. As I was putting my sheets in the washer a younger man (maybe late 20's) walked by and looked me up and down, so I shot him and look that made his buddies chuckle and jeer at him.

I then went to find a chair where I could see my clothes to keep an eye on the cycle. I pulled out my book and my iced tea and began to read. About a half of a page into my relaxing 30 minutes the young man who was interested in my assets came and sat down next to me. He started to hit on me and try and do everything he could to let me know that he was interested. I was blunt and told him that I wasn't interested.

He then asked me what the heck did I think that I was doing there. I told him laundry. He redirected his question, "no, what is a girl like you, (he meant white and educated and the reason I know this is because he asked me about SU) doing in a laundromat with a bunch of us (and he meant Latino)?" I then looked up and realized that I was the only woman in the laundromat, and the only white person as well. I kind of got a little intimidated and I think that he could tell. So he asked me about the book I was reading. I told him "My Friend Leonard, its about life after prison/rehab."

Well then our conversation took a whole different turn. I found out that his name is Roman, he's from Juarez Mexico and was brought here 5 years ago to fight in Iraq. I couldn't believe his story. The government had sent over recruiting officers over the border to the border town to get some new recruits. Well Roman was one of them. It promised him a better life, they told him that if he was smart enough he could fly airplanes or be in covert missions. This really intrigued him because life in Juarez was just not enough for him and he wanted a better life for his family and more importantly his sister. So the government brought him over to fight for this country. He served in Iraq for 5 years, flying planes and going on covert missions.

But now the government isn't granting him citizenship! He served the country for 5 years, and put his life on the line, thank goodness he came back alive, but the thanks he gets for it is being sent back to Juarez. Well of course Roman didn't want to do that, that wasn't an option for him. He tried to enroll in some classes to earn his degree but since he's not a citizen he can't get a decent job once he's done with classes, so why spend the money? So Roman is left to do construction work, even though he was smart enough to fly airplanes.

We had a long discussion about the war, politics, Hillary, Mexican-American culture. The stories that he told me about life in Iraq were horrifying. I asked him if he thinks that the media blows things out of proportion when it comes to the war. He said that they do spin it to make it sound like we are right to fight, but that they are also shielding our eyes from many of the terrors that all people soldier and Iraqi have to face in Iraq.

I asked Roman who he thought would do the best at president and to my surprise he said Hillary. Roman stated and I thought was ready to salute "I would love to have that woman be my commander." He thought that it is time to have a new perspective besides a white male. He also feels like she has the most perspective in what is happening in Iraq and in the United States.

Roman also commented on the lack of birth control in his culture. "I don't understand it. They will come over here to make a better life for themselves and then they just go and pop a bunch of babies out. How is that supposed to make life better? You are raising a bunch of children who will have to help you raise your other children down the line." He felt that that lifestyle helped foster assumptions and stereotypes of Latinos. "Latinos aren't promiscuous, but when all people see are a bunch of your babies running around and you can't control your life, that has an effect on me, that has an effect on the way all Latinos are portrayed."

That night was probably one of the most enlightening conversations I've ever had. I will admit that my ignorance and prejudices caused me to assume that I would be having to fight this guy and his advances off all night. But I was lucky, something happened and not by my own doing to get to know a fantastic person whose story I have truly truly been touched by. I hope I think about Roman a lot in my days ahead through this life. I hope that I will never lose sight of how lucky I am, the sacrifice that has been made for my safety, be involved with what's going on in the world and realize that when you move past stereotypes and fears that a lovely and intriguing person is waiting to touch your life. Thank you Roman.

East to West

Here I am Lord and I’m drowning, in Your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me, I yearn for peace and rest
I don’t want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight
I know you’ve cast my sin as far as the East is from the West
And I stand before You now as though I’ve never sinned
But today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Chorus:
Jesus can you show me just how far the east is from the west
‘Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
‘Cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I’m in
Today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
from You leaving me this way

I know You’ve washed me white
Turn my darkness into life
I need Your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can’t live by what I feel
About the truth Your word reveals
I’m not holding on to You
But You’re holding on to me
You’re holding on to me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s6zdihmwy1M

The imagery in this song just really gets me to the brink of tears almost every time I hear it. I feel like this song depicts where I am in my spiritual journey right now. I feel like I'm yearning for peace and rest, and have been yearning for God to show me just how powerful his way truly is. He's slowly taking me there, and showing me things one at a time, and I feel anxious at times to just get there already, but I believe he's doing this slower than I would prefer so I can recognize his voice.

I really didn't realize how much the storm I've been in was drowning out so much truth about myself and about God. It's a strange thing when you don't realize you are unhappy and you aren't living the life you were meant to live. It's a violent and terrorizing storm. It's like driving in a hurricane all of your life thinking that this is the only weather that there is, so you'd better be happy about it. But when you finally come out of it and experience the sun warm on your face and illuminating everything around you, you truly feel newborn.

Could it really be true that God's grace spans as far the east is from the west? To think of grace in those terms is truly mind blowing to me. I no longer have to fit my life into a mold where I must put boundaries on my life for salvation's sake. Is there really no mold? These are questions that God is slowly answering in my life. Earlier I talked about the idea that Jesus didn't come to provide a mold for us all to try and squeeze ourselves into, he came to break it! There is a way of love and a grace that truly transcends the ways of this earth. And for us to put limitations and EXPECTATIONS on ourselves because of the ways of this life is restricting and putting limitations on what God can make of us.

I have found now that I am allowing God to truly show me how vast His ways are I am able to see the picture of what I really am/can become.

Courage

I bought a new book on Saturday called "The Courage to be" by Paul Tillich. So far it's pretty good. It's a bit intellectual for me, but I think its what I need to feed that part of me.

He talks about the dilemma and the struggle modern man has with anxiety (this is a much broader term to him than we think). He really breaks down the way he sees fear and the will to overcome. So right now I think that's what I'm trying to concentrate on and make my focus in my continued study.

In the fall I'm going to start leading a bible study. It's something that I've felt my heart being pulled towards for quite sometime now and I think now is the time to do it. I feel like I actually have the time to give in order to lead one. I feel like I'm losing a lot of the basics that I know about Christianity. Faith, prayer, Jesus, etc. And I have a lot of questions about all of those things, so I think I'll be probably focusing it towards those themes.

This prayer is next to my desk and I thought I would share:
Prayer of St. Francis
Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

Prayer

This song has been on my heart lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXWdhRvNXME

I come to you, oh god, in the stillness of my heart
I need your healing and your voice in the stillness of my heart

Speak to me and show me who you are
rescue me with your unfailing love and mercy
speak to me and show me who you are
Hold me tightly in your arms and never let me go

I hear you calling out my name in the stillness of my heart
your grace is given me again, now I open my heart

I remember singing praises to your name every day with all my might
How I long to sing to you again

Many Thoughts

So I really love to fish.... My dad, sisters and i used to go a lot when I was younger. I remember that being one of my most favorite times with my dad. I just really loved hanging out with him and wanting to be able to fish just like him. Well yesterday amid my busy things that I needed to do this weekend decided to go fishing.

I didn't really catch much except a couple of perch, but there was an exciting moment to my evening. I cast my line out in the middle of these reeds in the water thinking that the fish would be feeding around there at that time of night. Well as I was reeling my line back in something caught it and I jerked it back in order to hook the fish (or what I thought was one). Well when I jerked it back a second time to bring it in, my line jumped up out of the water and on the end of it was SNAKE! Now this is not my 1st encounter with a snake (well the first time it was a chord moving in the dark which I thought was a wall climbing snake) this week so I thought I was going to piss my pants. So I quickly cut my line and ran back to my car with all of my things ready to try again in the morning.





So Jessica and I have found a new church! I'm really excited about this place! It's called Hyde Park UMC. It's in Austin which is a bit of a drive, but I love taking Sunday drives. hydparkmethodist.org. They were so welcoming the first time that we visited. I really enjoyed the diverse ages that were represented, it was like they weren't going to allow that aspect break them apart from being open to worship. The pastor is named Cheryl, last week was the first time for us to hear her speak adn I really enjoyed it. The church used to be a dying church, and in my opinion still has the wounds of one. But they are healing. They committed their church to become more open and more inclusive, this has done wonders to their congregation and to the life of that church. They are all so excited to be there worshiping and fellowshiping together and to welcome others who will come. Plus they have free breakfast and lunch every sunday. They also are very concentrated on social justice, which has become a rising passion in me. The pastor is going thru the book of Acts as a sermon series this summer and many of her sermons have had this as the theme. This week I'm flying solo and I'm going to go visit the 9:30 contemporary service. There will be some college kids and seminary students there so I'm excited to meet the young crowd.

It just feels so wonderful to be comfortable in church again. I'm beginning to see Jesus and I walking next to each other again. I've had this vision of myself & what my relationship with Christ has looked like for the past 3 years. It's like when I used to get angry with my parents and I would storm off and walk ahead of them as fast and as furious as I could and I would glance back every now and then and they would be walking right behind me at their own pace, keeping an eye on me as I tried to do my own thing. I feel like He's been just right back there watching me and waiting for when I would turn around and ask him to walk next to me. I feel like I'm getting there.

My view of Christ has been so tainted. It's been this view of a man who came down to earth to tell us how it is and how it should be. I bought into this Jesus and tried to conform my life to fit into this constricting and suffocating model. I pushed away so many people that really needed to just know that they were loved and accepted for who they were. I most definitely pushed myself the absolute farthest away and began convincing myself that I really was this other person that everyone was telling me that I was. Christ was a man who brought a model of new rules and new conformities. At first I didn't mind becoming this person that lived by the rules laid before me, it was pretty easy for the majority of my young life, but the longer I did that the harder it was for my real spirit to continue to be silent.

I've come to the realization that Christ did not come to bring a new mold. He came to break the mold. If you look in the Gospels he was constantly speaking about a new way of life. I believe ( and I don't know if this is too radical or not radical enough) but I believe that the way that Christ came to show was to simply live life in love. When we do that everything else falls into place. So putting constraints and conformity to your life is not allowing yourself to do this fully, because so many times these lines that we draw for ourselves to live in push so many others out.

No wonder I wanted to run away from this Christ that I had been presented with since I was a child. It wasn't a true representation of who he really was. I couldn't live a life with this Christ. The white, conservative, homophobic, elitist who was constantly commanding me what to do and who to seperate myself from. For so long a personal relationship with Jesus meant making my life look PERFECTLY like his. But I believe now when Jesus says, "follow me," or "I am the way," or "take my example", this means to not become Jesus by only concentrating on ourselves and the scriptures that make us look good, but to mainly look at those around us and to see how our lives can be molded and shaped by loving them and by learning more about God through them.

I know this sounds like a very flighty type of Christianity, call it what you will. It's still in the works for me. But I believe that this life is all about living it and yeah we have a place to look forward to after this life which we should be excited about, I do validate that there is a heaven. But if we are constantly keeping our eyes on that part of eternal life we are keeping ourselves from learning in this part of it, and there is so much to learn if we only allow ourselves to live it.