Reflections on Convocation

I'm so sorry that you faithful readers haven't had a post about convo when you expected it. It took me quite awhile to step back from my experience and observe. But as promised, here you go.

***Warning Looong Post| There are Titles to Help***

DEEP INTO THE WILDERNESS
As I drove through the majestic Rocky Mountains, I couldn’t keep my eyes fixated on anything long enough for them to be distracted by another gorgeous display of God’s continuing creation. The hour and a half drive from the Denver airport to the YMCA at Estes Park was the perfect introduction to what this weekend of convocation would be like for me. I was excited to meet others with similar stories, learn more about inclusion and love, and to quiet my heart to hear the Spirit calling in the wilderness (both literally and figuratively).


BELIEVE OUT LOUD
I have committed myself to a campaign in which “United Methodists will gather in fifty annual conference teams to tell their stories and join the movement for full inclusion of people of all sexual orientations and gender identities” (rmnetwork.org). The larger campaign is called Called to Witness, and the effort for the next year is called “Believe Out Loud.” CTW (Called to Witness) comes from the theory that people don’t change until they know the stories of others. For more information about this campaign: http://tinyurl.com/luwtvo

I am one of three Annual Conference trainers with the task to facilitate this campaign in our AC. The training for this campaign was on Friday, the first day of convocation. Most of the training was about learning to tell our stories. We know that people don’t feel connected to a cause unless they know someone personally touched by the issue or if their story connects with the issue as well. So I’d like to share my story with you about why I am a Reconciling United Methodist:

BRITT’S STORY OF WHY SHE IS A RECONCILING METHODIST:
I spent most of my life as a United Methodist. I have made lifelong friends from Sunday school as a child, formed much of my early faith from experiences in my youth group, and have deep roots as a Wesleyan by the traditions I was a part of in the church. When I was twelve years old I received a call to ordained ministry, I remember feeling more sure of this than anything in my heart, that I was meant to be a pastor. I was so excited about this feeling and the assurance it gave me about God’s will in my life, I wanted to share it with those who were closest to me.

At that time I was also attending a conservative Christian private school, and most of the student body reflected that type of theology. I came to school with a full heart ready to share the news of my calling. When I told my friends about what I was feeling their reaction was that my place was not in the pulpit but behind the man in it. I was crushed, confused and hurt. I told my parents what had happened and what I was feeling, they then took that opportunity to teach me “to not let anyone silence you and who you are Britt.”

A few years down the line, I still felt a strong call to ministry in the UMC, but had come out as a lesbian. I was quickly aware of what the denomination I was planning on serving felt about my sexual orientation, that I was “incompatible with Christian teaching.” All of the feelings of hurt, fear, being silenced came back. I couldn’t understand how God could call me to such important work but also create me as something incompatible with that calling? I quickly remembered the teaching of my parents, “do not let anyone silence who you are.”

A big part of this experience has fueled my passion to become a pastor and a Reconciling United Methodist. For me, being a pastor is not to memorize scripture, preach it from the pulpit and to direct and instill guilt into a congregation of very human people. It is my duty to come down from the pulpit and hear all of the stories from everyone, not only in my congregation but out on the street, in the house next to mine, behind me in the grocery store. It is my duty to hear them and speak for them just as they are, to be their voice when they are being silenced. That is why I am a reconciling United Methodist.

THE HIKE
On Saturday afternoon I thought it would be really wonderful to go on a hike in the Rockies. I had never been to Colorado before, and what I perfect way to experience it than to hike it! This story displays my true inexperienced wilderness Texan self.

We started off with our guide on the trail, and it was such a pleasant walk. We saw elk, wild turkeys, chipmunks, and lots of bear poop, but no bears thank goodness. We made our way through the winding hills and around streams to a large clearing. The clearing was at the base of a small range of mountains that had a small river running through them that was fed by a glacier. It was here when we arrived that all the heavens opened and it began to rain. It was a little chilly but I thought it was kind of nice to have some weather come along, it made for an adventure. We climbed into some hills for our trek back to camp and when we arrived at the peak of this large hill it began to lightening… a lot. I was pretty scared to be up there with all the trees and the clearings that basically called to the lightening, “She’s right here, strike her!” But we kept pressing on. Eventually, it began hailing, yes, hailing. My poor little legs were so cold and were being bruised by all of these small bb’s falling from a heavenly bb gun. OUCH! The temperature dropped significantly, and it quickly felt like a winter day in the mountains. Far from the feeling of the 70 degree weather we had left down below.
Finally when we got to the end of the hike it was pouring and I was soaked and bruised up. My fingers felt like they were falling asleep and I had to keep moving them to wake them up.
Even though it was a death defying experience (jk) it was an adventure and I truly enjoyed it! 

Meeting a Trailblazer

On Saturday I was passing by a friend I had met at the conference who was walking with an elderly woman. The woman I did not know looked really familiar. Amy walked up and introduced the woman she was with as Jeanne Audrey Powers. As soon as that name was uttered I knew exactly who she was. Jeanne Audrey was one of the first women ordained in the UM church. She made her way up the ladder within the Church and eventually became Associate General Secretary on the General Commission of Christian Unity and Interreligious Concerns in the 1970’s. In 1996 she was at RMN convocation and during the middle of her sermon she came out as a lesbian. She became the highest-ranking United Methodist official to acknowledge that she is gay. I remember hearing about this story in my teenage years when I was felt called to ministry, not identifying as a lesbian yet, I still felt connected to her story and her struggle. She had made many of the paths easier for me to cross as a woman called to ministry because she had already endured them. Now as an out lesbian and a called clergy-to-be, her story and life mean more to me than ever.

So to meet such a spiritual giant who will be the in history of the UM church for forever was a humongous milestone for my life. I shook her hand and said something to the effect that it was nice to meet her and I hope she has a nice convocation. Then about 40 yards down the path after they had passed, I wanted to ram my head into the nearest tree. How could I have not told her what she means to me? So I found her later that evening and apologized and told her how long I had known of her story and how thankful I was for her life and ministry. She was very humble and gracious and agreed to be pen pals with me!  So I will be writing her often to sit at the feet of her experience and wisdom. I’m very excited about this!

The Thin Space
I love the description of the place where God meets you as the “thin space”. That space where the divide between human and divine are almost seamless. I don’t believe that this was how it was supposed to be, that we feel this separateness from our creator. I believe that our culture, history, the American dream, selfishness of others, wars, misinterpretation, fears, insecurities, anger, apathy, etc. etc. etc., step in between to create that massive space that we feel between ourselves and anything holy. I believe that the divine is so much closer than we realize. So when I come to a place where I can feel the seams melting away, I want to dance, and bow and take my sandals off, and stay as long as I can. Intimate worship is that thin space for me.

Convocation worship was life changing. I allowed myself to open up to things that were outside of my tradition and to connect to the familiar. We sang spirituals, songs in Spanish and Swahili, praise songs, and even ones that were secular. Communion was more intimate than I had ever experienced and took on a special meaning for me in working for ALL being invited to the table. Prayers were said in different languages, were exchanged between seat neighbors, read from centuries past and from the present, were cried and sung. My body could not physically contain the release that this worship brought to me, I cried every time.

Ordination and Being Me
I was a part of a workshop called “Ordination and Social Change,” on Saturday. It was really informative and basically described the process of ordination. A representative from the Board of Higher Education was there to lead the workshop. It really got me thinking about ordination, ministry and my life, realizing that to the Church they contradict one another. My ministry and my sexual orientation don’t match up with what the Church sees as compatible with Christian teaching. Therefore, if I’m open about my life and open about my sexual orientation then there is a very strong chance that I will not be ordained.

So I feel that I have a decision to make. What is the plan? How open do I plan to be? Is it right to work myself up to a place of power in order to help promote change? Or is using my ability to conceal this part of my identity as best as I can, fair to others who can’t? What happens if I’m discovered (not like I’m trying so hard not to be) and then defrocked? I know that this is kind of the worst-case-scenario that my mentality is in, but I really think it’s okay for me to be thinking this way. I have a lot of questions for about what I’m supposed to be doing with this calling and the current situation I’m in, but it seems that all the answers aren’t coming at once, just more questions.

Convocation was really wonderful to be a part of because even though I started to feel antsier about my future and what my plan of action will be, I met others who were in a very similar situation. I learned that I’m not alone, that there is a family within the church that loves me and sees me for me and not for who I love.

So please keep me in your thoughts and/or prayers as I’m going through this process.

Stepping out of the wilderness
I wasn’t ready to leave Colorado. Being secluded, safe and sure of myself allowed me the time to charge my battery. I was able to be still and listen to the small whispers of the Spirit through the beauty of nature and creation around me; I didn’t want to come back to the hustle and bustle. My life lives in a clanging city, where I can’t hear the whispers of things beyond me. It was refreshing to finally sit and be, and to invite the holy to join.

I’m glad to be home but still crave for more time in the wilderness. No wonder Jesus took forty days. I’m ready to start this work towards full inclusion along with my candidacy. This blog will start to have interesting content for sure from this incredible adventure I will be embarking on.

Pre-Trip Reflection

Today is laundry day. I'm sitting here at the back corner of a local "Quick Rinse" laundromat since our roommate Alan has yet to find a worth electronic washboard and clothesline. So as I'm sitting here in between "Speed Queen" #1 & #2 and the wash is moving to the rinse cycle, I thought I'd take some time to reflect on the upcoming weekend.

In my last post I shared a letter from Mark Tooley at UMAction to Reconciling Ministries Network. I hope it fired you up as much as it did for me. This coming weekend I'm flying to Estes Park, Colorado (thanks to a generous donation from a couple of people in my conference) to learn, observe, fellowship, and grow while at the RMN Convocation. Convocation is a time to "rest, relax, and restore in the beauty of God's creation; learn, organize, and launch reconciling initiatives; pray, play and sing the new creation into action." This is a time for those of us who are passionate about an inclusive body of Christ to come together and plan for change, encourage one another and to learn from one another. I cannot tell you how excited, nervous, ready, apprehensive, curious, energized, etc, I am to be a part of this upcoming weekend.

For a long time I have felt a very strong pull/call (whatever you call your own) to be in ministry. In the early years, I didn't know what that would look like. Until the day I was given the opportunity to preach in my home church. And as Wesley would describe it, "My heart was strangely warmed." I believe that experience was meant to reveal y call to ordained ministry.

A couple of years ago, I realized there was another part of myself that was pulling and calling. It was something that I had felt at other times in my life, but this time I could not ignore it any longer, it had hit me like a ton of bricks and it came in the form of an incredible woman who is now my partner. I was bewildered, confused and scared. But came through it and came out of the wilderness finding a very true sense of who God created me to be. I believe that this experience was meant to reveal my calling to ordained ministry and to be a voice for the silence and scared, and to deliver a message of hope to those on the fringes.

As I'm gearing up to go to convo, I know this will also be another experience that will reveal another key detail of the journey in ministry that I am on. I'm excited to share with all of you my thoughts, feelings, experiences, conversations, and revelations that this weekend will bring.

Stirring the Waters

This is an email that was sent out about the group I am a part of, Reconciling Ministries and the convocation that is going to take place in Estes Park at the beginning of September. This email is from Mark Tooley and the Institute on Religion & Democracy:

We can be grateful that The United Methodist Church is NOT following the Episcopal Church into its sad and schismatic affirmation of openly homosexual clergy and eventual same-sex rites. Thankfully, the liberal attempt to separate the U.S. church from African United Methodists and to liberalize local church membership standards has been defeated, seemingly, in the votes on proposed constitutional amendments at the annual conferences this year. We give God the thanks.

But United Methodist pro-homosexuality activists are not deterred and are convening on Labor Day weekend in Estes Park, Colorado for a “Justice and Joy” celebration of Reconciling Congregation’s 25th anniversary. The speakers include the current United Methodist Bishop of Seattle, the evangelism professor at Southern Methodist University’s seminary, officers of the United Methodist General Commission on Religion and Race, a former official of the General Board of Global Ministries, a former president of a United Methodist seminary, a former official of the United Methodist Women’s Division, and the Dean of Students at United Methodist Garrett Seminary in Chicago.

Other speakers include: Drew Phoenix, the Baltimore United Methodist minister who had a sex-change operation from female to male; Karen Oliveto, who conducted same-sex unions in defiance of United Methodist law during San Francisco’s “Summer of Love;” Sue Laurie, who “married” her female partner outside the United Methodist General Conference in Dallas last year; and Sally Sparks, a former male now professing to be female who remained “married” to his/her wife (as Sparks recounted several years ago at the “Hearts on Fire” event at Lake Junaluska).

At the 2004 General Conference in Pittsburgh, Susan Laurie approached me in a public restaurant and asked if I could relocate to another room as a “courtesy” to her, since my very presence unsettled her! So much for love and inclusiveness!

Sally Sparks, the transsexual, is leading a workshop on “transcending gender.” This theme, that all of us have a fluid gender and sexual identity, is new for the homosexual movement. Today you are a straight man, but tomorrow you could be a bisexual woman! It’s all simply a state of mind.

The ancient Christians called this confusion “Gnosticism,” the idea that thoughts and feelings could override physical reality. This event in Colorado will feature a workshop about teaching “very young children about sexual orientation and gender diversity. Participants will learn specific ways to model affirming attitudes about sexual orientation and gender difference with children.”

This is appalling and tragic. Fortunately, The United Methodist Church has rejected this destructive message of sexual confusion. Unfortunately, thousands of our ministers, seminary professors, bishops and church agency staff still believe in this corrosive agenda.

Please continue to pray and support UMAction as we unapologetically affirm traditional Christianity within our great United Methodist Church. You can donate now to our ministry of church reform here.

With appreciation,
Mark Tooley
IRD President
Director, UMAction

What is the greater cause?

I have a really great job.
Most of my work includes talking with members of the community about how we can prevent violence from occurring before it even happens. I really like my job, its collaborative, creative and hopeful while crisis is happening all around me. I tend to be the optimistic one at my agency, mainly due to the fact that I’m on the prevention team while everyone else deals with crisis and intervention. But this past week while preparing for the implementation of a program I became more aware of a pressing issue.

Our coalition, who so diligently works to plan and create goals for implementing prevention efforts in our county, has decided that Taylor, TX would be a great place to start our program. The city has a lot of need and has a lot of areas in which we could improve the current situation. They currently have the highest number of family violence reports to the police in relation to their population. 60% of Taylor ISD students are economically disadvantaged, as well as 3.9% school dropout rate. Williamson county social services tend to focus their attention on the more populated cities and forget about our cities on the outer rim of our county. Many times Taylor is overlooked. So I am very happy we are going to be there.

But I’ve become aware that the people of Taylor are not putting issues of family violence in the forefront of their minds, and really maybe they shouldn’t or can’t. Basic needs are not being met for many families in Taylor. Food isn’t on the table, water and electricity are being turned off, transportation is limited and money is tight across the board. Honestly its like driving into another world when I enter Taylor, things are just done a bit differently there. I live in my nice Georgetown where there are white, wealthy, older men everywhere, and that’s basically who backs the entire city.

I drive into Taylor and the first thing I see are factories and manufactures with tired workers taking a much needed smoking break from the long day shift ahead of them. On the main square there are a lot of stores that are abandoned or very close to getting there. A lot of houses have the antique feel to them and have not had the upkeep that they might need. The age of this side of Taylor still has some charm and personality that keeps it living. I am reminded of the Pixar movie “Cars” when I come through town, taking a look at all the antique stores and mom and pop country cooking stops. You wonder how they stay afloat but you still have a smile on your face when you pass by, reflecting on its charm.

If you cross the other side of the tracks, literally the other side of the rail road tracks there is another side to Taylor. When I was there just a couple of weeks ago surveying the area, it was a little ironic that when I crossed the railroad tracks it started to pour down with rain. I drove through houses that made you wonder how any residents could possibly live there. The juxtaposition of this part of the community to other charming side made my heart ache. When I was talking to a community member about prevention of violence not being a priority in the community, this must have been the image that was in her mind.

My primary task is to prevent violence before it happens, but what happens when a community’s main concern is putting food on the table? I know that the state of the economy is so closely tied with violence, but I feel that my cause is futile. How do you present a very important cause to a community who truly needs it when their minds, hearts and lives are in a very valid place that might keep them from joining you?

Untruth is my enemy

“John Hagee is not my enemy. Cornerstone is not my enemy. Untruth is my enemy.”

This mantra played over and over again in my head yesterday like a ferris wheel cart coming around and around on its monotonous track. A few of my dear friends, about 40-50 other people from around Texas and representatives from Soulforce (soulforce.org) and Atticus Circle (http://www.atticuscircle.org/) attended worship at Cornerstone Church in San Antonio. We planned to attend a ‘dialogue’ with some of the members of the church about this church's hateful campaign against LGBT persons, how it must end, and how we can be a part of helping them end it. I could see in my very imaginative mind the scene from “Braveheart”: The Cornerstone church with their 18,000 member army with bibles in hand, our side clearly being outnumbered. Our leaders pumping our spirits up with thematic music playing in the background (like all good battle scenes in films do) and with a grand shout “They may take our lives! But they will never take our freedom!!!!!” I have quite the imagination, I know.

John Hagee is most well known for his close ties with the Republican party as one of John McCain’s campaign spiritual advisors. He is founder and senior pastor of Cornerstone Church, a non-denominational-charismatic church. Church services are televised globally and is the founder of many fundamental Christian foundations. His personal theology was the center of controversy this year when he stated, "I believe that the Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans...I believe that New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God, and they are -- were recipients of the judgment of God for that...There was to be a homosexual parade there on the Monday that the Katrina came. And the promise of that parade was that it was going to reach a level of sexuality never demonstrated before in any of the other Gay Pride parades...The Bible teaches that when you violate the law of God, that God brings punishment sometimes before the day of judgment."He has also made other similar comments about lgbt persons as well as other marginalized groups (http://tinyurl.com/p3gek8).
So as you can see it was hard for me to imagine myself remaining peaceful and calm with the comments he has publicly made and how churches like these have been so instrumental in causing hurt to my community. But I told myself that I would breathe a lot, recite my mantra and remember the support that my community gives to me.
We arrived at the church and as we walked in this grand choir singing as if the gates of heaven had been opened. It was absolutely beautiful and you couldn’t help but be moved by the musicality and fervor that they sung with. The music was juxtaposed by male-only security/usher detail lining the entire perimeter of the room. This was quite intimidating especially when you are wearing a name tag that distinguishes why you are there: Britt Cox “Sunday of Solidarity”. The service mirrored the charismatic services I had seen on television, lots of shouting and movements by the Spirit, very exuberant preaching style, an emphasis on giving financially. I’ll be honest, I can get into the movements of the Spirit and the charismatic preaching style, and especially the music that this type of denomination provides. I think I just like my church with some seasoning and spice.

Something that surprised me was the discussion we had with congregants after the service. Rev. Hagee provided a reception for us with cookies and punch. It began by him addressing the crowd with something to the effect of, “We know that we disagree on this issue,” but he never spoke about what that issue was. After his opening remarks he took the leadership of Soulforce and Atticus Circle into a private meeting for about fifteen minutes. Rev. Hagee’s policy is to record any private meetings with interest groups that meet with him but will not allow those groups to bring any type of recording devices with him. Once his security detail closed the doors of his private chamber we were left to mix and mingle with the congregants.

My friend Betsy and I talked to a couple that was sitting behind us. I’m embarrassed to say that their names escape me, I think I might have been too nervous to remember. We started off by talking about our jobs, where we’re from and our church homes. The man was one of the many pastors at the church and also does some child advocacy work in San Antonio. He dominated most of the conversation and from my assumption it was because of nerves and control of the situation. His wife barely spoke and he barely gave us room to speak. But he did ask some questions such as: Why did you come to this discussion? Have you faced any discrimination personally?

He also counsels church members and many have come to him and said that they are struggling with homosexual feelings. He used lots of terms such as, “choice,” “lifestyle,” “decision.” I struggled with confronting him on those words. I didn’t know if having a conversation was the greater effort and if confronting him on the use of those words would block any potential discussion. I felt that the greater good was to be able to give him a face and a story. Hopefully those 2 things will open his heart further to be aware of the ways in which language and demeanor further marginalizes those who are in the LGBT community.

I felt really sad for Cornerstone, it seemed like it was unchristian of them to discuss homosexuality so openly. My feelings coming out of the discussion that lasted no more than 20 minutes, was that this was all for show. If this conservative, literalist group could have a preacher that lashes out against my community so openly then why couldn’t they be transparent during a one-on-one discussion. In my opinion it is kind of like their dream situation: here’s a gay now attack. But they didn’t, at least not in such an aggressive way as I had expected. Their silence to me was cowardly. We had come to have an open discussion but they didn’t want to play. Maybe they didn’t feel safe, maybe they really had different views than their pastor, maybe there wasn’t enough time, maybe they wanted to look like the good guys on their home turf, I don’t know what the real reason was. However, I really would have liked to have found a middle ground.

Even though this experience wasn’t what I thought it would be, I feel that it is a powerful tool to forward change on this issue. So I will continue to be a part of discussing and telling my story knowing that God loves me, is proud of me, and will continue to shape and mold me through experiences like this.

How long O Lord?

How long, God of justice, how long
before you hear the cries of your people?
How long will the poor be hungry
Before they are fed?
How long will children fear death
Before you hold them in your arms?
How long must the weak suffer
At the hands of their oppressors?

What keeps you from acting?
For your Name’s sake we ask!
Father of the Poor. Mother of Mercy.
God of all consolation!
Your silence makes mockery of your name.
Come, God of Justice.
Too much suffering, too many deaths.
You have waited long enough!
Strike quickly in our world
and today
in our hearts.

Prayer by: Pat Kozak and Janet Schaffran

Take a chance.

This was a free association journal entry I wrote:

I want a chance.
I really can’t believe that one decision has changed everything.
Can’t you see that I’m happy? That I’m truly loved? And that this is not about you, its about me.
I’m listening to your words and am thinking the entire time how I can slay the dragon that is standing in the way of your view of me.

I need a chance.
I come with smiles and hugs and interest into your dramatic tales of love, adventure and mystery. But to you my story is an infomercial that you change the channel as soon as it arrives. You don’t want to know, you don’t want to try and you don’t want to invest.

I’m going to take a chance.
I’ve got one hell of a fairy tale. Cinderella has nothing on me.
So while you are waiting around to reconcile your story with mine, I’m in a far away land.
I’ve found my adventure, I’ve found my lady to fight for, and I’m living happily ever after.

I’m going to give you a chance.
It’s hard to see you suffer and wrestle with God.
I hope that one day that you will join me, that the spell that is ripping our hearts to shreds will be lifted.
I can’t try and save you anymore, its killing me and you.

When you are free, when you are ready, you know where to find me.