Courage

I bought a new book on Saturday called "The Courage to be" by Paul Tillich. So far it's pretty good. It's a bit intellectual for me, but I think its what I need to feed that part of me.

He talks about the dilemma and the struggle modern man has with anxiety (this is a much broader term to him than we think). He really breaks down the way he sees fear and the will to overcome. So right now I think that's what I'm trying to concentrate on and make my focus in my continued study.

In the fall I'm going to start leading a bible study. It's something that I've felt my heart being pulled towards for quite sometime now and I think now is the time to do it. I feel like I actually have the time to give in order to lead one. I feel like I'm losing a lot of the basics that I know about Christianity. Faith, prayer, Jesus, etc. And I have a lot of questions about all of those things, so I think I'll be probably focusing it towards those themes.

This prayer is next to my desk and I thought I would share:
Prayer of St. Francis
Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

Prayer

This song has been on my heart lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXWdhRvNXME

I come to you, oh god, in the stillness of my heart
I need your healing and your voice in the stillness of my heart

Speak to me and show me who you are
rescue me with your unfailing love and mercy
speak to me and show me who you are
Hold me tightly in your arms and never let me go

I hear you calling out my name in the stillness of my heart
your grace is given me again, now I open my heart

I remember singing praises to your name every day with all my might
How I long to sing to you again

Many Thoughts

So I really love to fish.... My dad, sisters and i used to go a lot when I was younger. I remember that being one of my most favorite times with my dad. I just really loved hanging out with him and wanting to be able to fish just like him. Well yesterday amid my busy things that I needed to do this weekend decided to go fishing.

I didn't really catch much except a couple of perch, but there was an exciting moment to my evening. I cast my line out in the middle of these reeds in the water thinking that the fish would be feeding around there at that time of night. Well as I was reeling my line back in something caught it and I jerked it back in order to hook the fish (or what I thought was one). Well when I jerked it back a second time to bring it in, my line jumped up out of the water and on the end of it was SNAKE! Now this is not my 1st encounter with a snake (well the first time it was a chord moving in the dark which I thought was a wall climbing snake) this week so I thought I was going to piss my pants. So I quickly cut my line and ran back to my car with all of my things ready to try again in the morning.





So Jessica and I have found a new church! I'm really excited about this place! It's called Hyde Park UMC. It's in Austin which is a bit of a drive, but I love taking Sunday drives. hydparkmethodist.org. They were so welcoming the first time that we visited. I really enjoyed the diverse ages that were represented, it was like they weren't going to allow that aspect break them apart from being open to worship. The pastor is named Cheryl, last week was the first time for us to hear her speak adn I really enjoyed it. The church used to be a dying church, and in my opinion still has the wounds of one. But they are healing. They committed their church to become more open and more inclusive, this has done wonders to their congregation and to the life of that church. They are all so excited to be there worshiping and fellowshiping together and to welcome others who will come. Plus they have free breakfast and lunch every sunday. They also are very concentrated on social justice, which has become a rising passion in me. The pastor is going thru the book of Acts as a sermon series this summer and many of her sermons have had this as the theme. This week I'm flying solo and I'm going to go visit the 9:30 contemporary service. There will be some college kids and seminary students there so I'm excited to meet the young crowd.

It just feels so wonderful to be comfortable in church again. I'm beginning to see Jesus and I walking next to each other again. I've had this vision of myself & what my relationship with Christ has looked like for the past 3 years. It's like when I used to get angry with my parents and I would storm off and walk ahead of them as fast and as furious as I could and I would glance back every now and then and they would be walking right behind me at their own pace, keeping an eye on me as I tried to do my own thing. I feel like He's been just right back there watching me and waiting for when I would turn around and ask him to walk next to me. I feel like I'm getting there.

My view of Christ has been so tainted. It's been this view of a man who came down to earth to tell us how it is and how it should be. I bought into this Jesus and tried to conform my life to fit into this constricting and suffocating model. I pushed away so many people that really needed to just know that they were loved and accepted for who they were. I most definitely pushed myself the absolute farthest away and began convincing myself that I really was this other person that everyone was telling me that I was. Christ was a man who brought a model of new rules and new conformities. At first I didn't mind becoming this person that lived by the rules laid before me, it was pretty easy for the majority of my young life, but the longer I did that the harder it was for my real spirit to continue to be silent.

I've come to the realization that Christ did not come to bring a new mold. He came to break the mold. If you look in the Gospels he was constantly speaking about a new way of life. I believe ( and I don't know if this is too radical or not radical enough) but I believe that the way that Christ came to show was to simply live life in love. When we do that everything else falls into place. So putting constraints and conformity to your life is not allowing yourself to do this fully, because so many times these lines that we draw for ourselves to live in push so many others out.

No wonder I wanted to run away from this Christ that I had been presented with since I was a child. It wasn't a true representation of who he really was. I couldn't live a life with this Christ. The white, conservative, homophobic, elitist who was constantly commanding me what to do and who to seperate myself from. For so long a personal relationship with Jesus meant making my life look PERFECTLY like his. But I believe now when Jesus says, "follow me," or "I am the way," or "take my example", this means to not become Jesus by only concentrating on ourselves and the scriptures that make us look good, but to mainly look at those around us and to see how our lives can be molded and shaped by loving them and by learning more about God through them.

I know this sounds like a very flighty type of Christianity, call it what you will. It's still in the works for me. But I believe that this life is all about living it and yeah we have a place to look forward to after this life which we should be excited about, I do validate that there is a heaven. But if we are constantly keeping our eyes on that part of eternal life we are keeping ourselves from learning in this part of it, and there is so much to learn if we only allow ourselves to live it.

Thoughts for July 18th

So I'm realizing that this is the time in life to really screw up. Well maybe not in that crude of terms, but really, right now is the perfect time for mess ups and mishaps.

I used to get so hung up on things, I felt like I had to perform at such a perfect level, and in turn I was constantly letting myself down. I don't really know where that comes from, being the oldest child, being an athlete, growing up in an elitist Christian environment.

It's so hard because there's this unspoken (and for many of us clearly spoken) expectation to be sure of everything. Be sure how you feel, be sure what you're going to do in life, be sure of where you are going, etc. I used to be there, had my 10 year plan. Then it completely changed, I'm not even close to where I thought I was going to be 5 years ago, not even a year ago.

I remember talking to my dad one time about my life, and he shared somethings about his own life with me. He told me that when living your life mistakes will happen and things do change, but if you don't accept that you will never know what it means to live your life. Mistakes and changes teach you more about who you are and what this world is about. If we didn't screw up every once in awhile and things didn't go our way every now and then, our lives wouldn't have any stories to tell.

I just really think that life is about living it.

Does it hurt to be nice?

Alright so right now let me update you on the situation....

I'm sitting outside at the Domain, catching up on my independent study, and being stared down by this psycho brand-name woman.

I really didn't think that the day would happen when I would want to wip out my brass nuckles.

I'm sitting across from starbucks and there are these lovely comfy chairs outside, in the shade, and right by an outlet so I can charge my laptop. She is sitting there with all of her bags from her day of shopping spread around her. There is a chair next to her which I clearly was under the impression that it wasn't taken. So I waltz over there to ask politely.

I ask and she spits something out at me in another language, no I did not misundertand her, it was clearly not English. So I asked again and this time I swear she said no. So I began to set my stuff down thinking I could just sit quietly and do my work. Then all of a sudden she jumps from her chair, points at me and shouts "I TOLD YOU THAT I WAS USING THAT CHAIR!" So I quickly back off and go to the other side of the courtyard to sit on the hard concrete near the screaming playground.

I then look over and see her place her bags that were on the floor onto the chair that I really wanted to sit it. She then caught my eye and said... "Hey... (insert bad word here), what the hell are you looking at?"

And here's where I was torn, I really just wanted to answer "Hey crazy psycho in your Gucci shadeware, I'm looking at you and am appauled that you could possibly want to treat someone the way that you have me." But instead I said, "nothing." She then started walking over towards me and said, "you're looking at nothing? NOThing?" You think that this body is nothing? I guess I'd be lookin too, in ENVY"

Then I made the mistake of speaking... "Miss I don't know you so I don't know if your body is really worth anything." Haha! I didn't really mean to say it like that, but I crapped it up. She then began to morph into a mix between the Disney movie's version of Cruella D'ville, a gremlin, and a piece of old licorice you'd find underneath your couch from a movie night 3 years ago. I thought she was going to open her Fendi bag and a little demon was going to take me to the underworld.

Then she screamed something else at me in the language she spoke earlier, and I wanted to be like "HAH! I KNEW YOU WERE SPEAKING TO ME IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE!" But I didn't remained calm and began to ignore her, while secretly wishing that a local squirrel would come bite her in the tatas. And now she is trying to stare me down... really I can feel that old licorice evil glare.

Seriously... it was just a chair, and obviously a misunderstanding. Would it hurt her just to get off her crack and just be nice to me?

Whispers of Sweet Nothings

Alright so after reading yesterday's post I realize that it was a little ranty. I didn't mean for it to be a bash on Christianity but more of a splash of cold water to wake everyone up a bit.

Anyways, to counteract my negativity from yesterday I'll let you know what's going on in my life right now.

I'm living in Round Rock (friends come to visit!) with my new roommate Leigh Ann Mingle. We are sharing a lovely 1 bedroom, yes folks, 1 bed 1 bath apartment. We are going to become very close these next 5 months :). I love my apartment, we've got a great view. It's really like living in the canopy of the rain forest, animals and all (I.E. the largest bug that I've ever seen attacked our balcony the other day).

I'm working in Round Rock and looooove my job. Yeah I probably complain about it way more than I should, but its like any job and has its pains. But overall I love the people I work with. Oh yeah, how about I tell you where I work. I work at LifeSteps which is a nonprofit organization that offers free programs to teach drug and alcohol prevention. There are also a lot of other cool programs and counseling that is available. I'm working with a program called Kids Connection. I have 6 schools I'm responsible for in the Gtown and RR school district. I go into those schools and lead small groups made up of K-3 graders. We talk about Friends, and Making Good Choices, and Anger Management, and Diversity. All these kids are "at risk youth" which are children that have been exposed to drug and alcohol abuse in their families or they meet a certain criteria that makes them susceptible to that.

Basically I color all day at my desk in my office or I am in the schools hanging out with kids all day long! I haven't gotten to actually do it yet, but I am so excited to start with my kids!

I'm trying to start playing volleyball again. I'm trying to read more. I'm trying to learn how to cook better food for myself when my roommate doesnt cook for me ( I love Leigh Ann!). I'm trying to do good things for my body outside when its not raining... that hasn't happened yet.

So basically I'm pretty busy, but I'm doing very well. I feel alive and like I can take on all of these things with so much energy. I feel renewed and refreshed and I'm ready for this next stage of my life!

Kelly Clarkson and Jesus

So I'm currently in the market for a new church. Over the past 4 years my views of spirituality and Christianity and of God have changed drastically, but I really haven't taken action to find a new church that can help cultivate that.

So I figure its time.

I really enjoyed the church I went to this past Sunday. It was called Congregational Church of Austin and here reads their mission statement...
"If you are looking for a small, friendly church where everyone will quickly know your name...where you'll be loved and accepted regardless of your age, class, race, ethnicity or sexual orientation...where you'll be challenged to reflect on your beliefs, acknowledge your doubts, ask your questions and grow in your faith...where God's desire for compassion, healing, reconciliation, and justice is preached...where you're given the opportunity to put your faith into action through effective outreach ministries...then we hope to get to know you as a new friend. No matter who you are or where you are in your journey, you are welcome here."

I loved it! During their announcements, the sermon, the hymns, everything was very much about justice. Right up my alley. Not to mention the pastor talked about Kelly Clarkson for about 20 minutes. Right now I'm planning on looking around to some others, but this one really made me think about my church back home and the church worldwide.

My church back home upsets me more and more everyday. The more I talk to people who go there about the problems and politics that arise, the more upset I get. I think it has to do with the fairytale faith that I had there before college being repainted for me. I can see that I was extremely naiive to the fact that there were people who didn't like each other, people who hated our pastor, people who ignored "non-white" visitors.

I honestly thought it was Disneyworld in my younger years. While most of my friends were going out to have fun, I would be at church everyday of the week trying to find something that I could do. I was sheltered from the politics and from the divides. Now I am extremely aware of what is going on and I don't even live there. And quite frankly it pisses me off to see how dead not only my church but the church worldwide truly is.

What I see as being the major problem with the community of faith in general is that there is a lack of action. And I honestly don't see how anyone can hear the gospel of Jesus and think that its just a pew-sitting frame of mind. Jesus didn't just stay in Bethlehem, he was a travelin man! The scripture this past Sunday at the church I visited was from Luke 11... "He said to another man, "Follow me." But the man replied, "Lord, first let me go and bury my father. Jesus said to him, "Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God."

Jesus proclaims, "Follow me." Follow him to the children, follow him to the hungry, to the sick, to the broken-hearted, to the hard-hearted, to the poor, to the oppressed, to the places that no one wants to go! If we just sit in the pew, bow our heads, say Amen at the right time and get up and go about our day as if we have not heard a thing, we are not where Christ is.

It is rare that I can find a church that is like the one I went to on Sunday. One that knows that being a "political church" doesn't mean having rifts between its members, but it means being a church who is not afraid to take a stand for the justice and freedom of others. You can't be a Christian and not be political is my philosophy. Jesus was extremely political. He constantly was a presence for the people, and was constantly taking a stand for the oppressed and marginalized.

Now I'm not saying that a church or even a person needs to take political sides (Democrat, Republican, Libertarian) based on what they think Jesus would do, because I don't see Jesus doing that in the gospels. What I do mean is that the church cannot turn its head from the world anymore, it can no longer be a place where we go on Sunday morning to escape the realness of what is going on in our day and forget about the faces, the bodies, the lives that we see and hear about.

Christ is calling the church into the world! He is calling the body of believers to be present among the oppressed and the marginalized. He is calling pastors to address hard and real issues. He is calling us to make a stand and to speak on the behalf of those who are unable to do so.

How powerful would this truly be if the church would just take the call of Christ seriously?