Reflections on Convocation

I'm so sorry that you faithful readers haven't had a post about convo when you expected it. It took me quite awhile to step back from my experience and observe. But as promised, here you go.

***Warning Looong Post| There are Titles to Help***

DEEP INTO THE WILDERNESS
As I drove through the majestic Rocky Mountains, I couldn’t keep my eyes fixated on anything long enough for them to be distracted by another gorgeous display of God’s continuing creation. The hour and a half drive from the Denver airport to the YMCA at Estes Park was the perfect introduction to what this weekend of convocation would be like for me. I was excited to meet others with similar stories, learn more about inclusion and love, and to quiet my heart to hear the Spirit calling in the wilderness (both literally and figuratively).


BELIEVE OUT LOUD
I have committed myself to a campaign in which “United Methodists will gather in fifty annual conference teams to tell their stories and join the movement for full inclusion of people of all sexual orientations and gender identities” (rmnetwork.org). The larger campaign is called Called to Witness, and the effort for the next year is called “Believe Out Loud.” CTW (Called to Witness) comes from the theory that people don’t change until they know the stories of others. For more information about this campaign: http://tinyurl.com/luwtvo

I am one of three Annual Conference trainers with the task to facilitate this campaign in our AC. The training for this campaign was on Friday, the first day of convocation. Most of the training was about learning to tell our stories. We know that people don’t feel connected to a cause unless they know someone personally touched by the issue or if their story connects with the issue as well. So I’d like to share my story with you about why I am a Reconciling United Methodist:

BRITT’S STORY OF WHY SHE IS A RECONCILING METHODIST:
I spent most of my life as a United Methodist. I have made lifelong friends from Sunday school as a child, formed much of my early faith from experiences in my youth group, and have deep roots as a Wesleyan by the traditions I was a part of in the church. When I was twelve years old I received a call to ordained ministry, I remember feeling more sure of this than anything in my heart, that I was meant to be a pastor. I was so excited about this feeling and the assurance it gave me about God’s will in my life, I wanted to share it with those who were closest to me.

At that time I was also attending a conservative Christian private school, and most of the student body reflected that type of theology. I came to school with a full heart ready to share the news of my calling. When I told my friends about what I was feeling their reaction was that my place was not in the pulpit but behind the man in it. I was crushed, confused and hurt. I told my parents what had happened and what I was feeling, they then took that opportunity to teach me “to not let anyone silence you and who you are Britt.”

A few years down the line, I still felt a strong call to ministry in the UMC, but had come out as a lesbian. I was quickly aware of what the denomination I was planning on serving felt about my sexual orientation, that I was “incompatible with Christian teaching.” All of the feelings of hurt, fear, being silenced came back. I couldn’t understand how God could call me to such important work but also create me as something incompatible with that calling? I quickly remembered the teaching of my parents, “do not let anyone silence who you are.”

A big part of this experience has fueled my passion to become a pastor and a Reconciling United Methodist. For me, being a pastor is not to memorize scripture, preach it from the pulpit and to direct and instill guilt into a congregation of very human people. It is my duty to come down from the pulpit and hear all of the stories from everyone, not only in my congregation but out on the street, in the house next to mine, behind me in the grocery store. It is my duty to hear them and speak for them just as they are, to be their voice when they are being silenced. That is why I am a reconciling United Methodist.

THE HIKE
On Saturday afternoon I thought it would be really wonderful to go on a hike in the Rockies. I had never been to Colorado before, and what I perfect way to experience it than to hike it! This story displays my true inexperienced wilderness Texan self.

We started off with our guide on the trail, and it was such a pleasant walk. We saw elk, wild turkeys, chipmunks, and lots of bear poop, but no bears thank goodness. We made our way through the winding hills and around streams to a large clearing. The clearing was at the base of a small range of mountains that had a small river running through them that was fed by a glacier. It was here when we arrived that all the heavens opened and it began to rain. It was a little chilly but I thought it was kind of nice to have some weather come along, it made for an adventure. We climbed into some hills for our trek back to camp and when we arrived at the peak of this large hill it began to lightening… a lot. I was pretty scared to be up there with all the trees and the clearings that basically called to the lightening, “She’s right here, strike her!” But we kept pressing on. Eventually, it began hailing, yes, hailing. My poor little legs were so cold and were being bruised by all of these small bb’s falling from a heavenly bb gun. OUCH! The temperature dropped significantly, and it quickly felt like a winter day in the mountains. Far from the feeling of the 70 degree weather we had left down below.
Finally when we got to the end of the hike it was pouring and I was soaked and bruised up. My fingers felt like they were falling asleep and I had to keep moving them to wake them up.
Even though it was a death defying experience (jk) it was an adventure and I truly enjoyed it! 

Meeting a Trailblazer

On Saturday I was passing by a friend I had met at the conference who was walking with an elderly woman. The woman I did not know looked really familiar. Amy walked up and introduced the woman she was with as Jeanne Audrey Powers. As soon as that name was uttered I knew exactly who she was. Jeanne Audrey was one of the first women ordained in the UM church. She made her way up the ladder within the Church and eventually became Associate General Secretary on the General Commission of Christian Unity and Interreligious Concerns in the 1970’s. In 1996 she was at RMN convocation and during the middle of her sermon she came out as a lesbian. She became the highest-ranking United Methodist official to acknowledge that she is gay. I remember hearing about this story in my teenage years when I was felt called to ministry, not identifying as a lesbian yet, I still felt connected to her story and her struggle. She had made many of the paths easier for me to cross as a woman called to ministry because she had already endured them. Now as an out lesbian and a called clergy-to-be, her story and life mean more to me than ever.

So to meet such a spiritual giant who will be the in history of the UM church for forever was a humongous milestone for my life. I shook her hand and said something to the effect that it was nice to meet her and I hope she has a nice convocation. Then about 40 yards down the path after they had passed, I wanted to ram my head into the nearest tree. How could I have not told her what she means to me? So I found her later that evening and apologized and told her how long I had known of her story and how thankful I was for her life and ministry. She was very humble and gracious and agreed to be pen pals with me!  So I will be writing her often to sit at the feet of her experience and wisdom. I’m very excited about this!

The Thin Space
I love the description of the place where God meets you as the “thin space”. That space where the divide between human and divine are almost seamless. I don’t believe that this was how it was supposed to be, that we feel this separateness from our creator. I believe that our culture, history, the American dream, selfishness of others, wars, misinterpretation, fears, insecurities, anger, apathy, etc. etc. etc., step in between to create that massive space that we feel between ourselves and anything holy. I believe that the divine is so much closer than we realize. So when I come to a place where I can feel the seams melting away, I want to dance, and bow and take my sandals off, and stay as long as I can. Intimate worship is that thin space for me.

Convocation worship was life changing. I allowed myself to open up to things that were outside of my tradition and to connect to the familiar. We sang spirituals, songs in Spanish and Swahili, praise songs, and even ones that were secular. Communion was more intimate than I had ever experienced and took on a special meaning for me in working for ALL being invited to the table. Prayers were said in different languages, were exchanged between seat neighbors, read from centuries past and from the present, were cried and sung. My body could not physically contain the release that this worship brought to me, I cried every time.

Ordination and Being Me
I was a part of a workshop called “Ordination and Social Change,” on Saturday. It was really informative and basically described the process of ordination. A representative from the Board of Higher Education was there to lead the workshop. It really got me thinking about ordination, ministry and my life, realizing that to the Church they contradict one another. My ministry and my sexual orientation don’t match up with what the Church sees as compatible with Christian teaching. Therefore, if I’m open about my life and open about my sexual orientation then there is a very strong chance that I will not be ordained.

So I feel that I have a decision to make. What is the plan? How open do I plan to be? Is it right to work myself up to a place of power in order to help promote change? Or is using my ability to conceal this part of my identity as best as I can, fair to others who can’t? What happens if I’m discovered (not like I’m trying so hard not to be) and then defrocked? I know that this is kind of the worst-case-scenario that my mentality is in, but I really think it’s okay for me to be thinking this way. I have a lot of questions for about what I’m supposed to be doing with this calling and the current situation I’m in, but it seems that all the answers aren’t coming at once, just more questions.

Convocation was really wonderful to be a part of because even though I started to feel antsier about my future and what my plan of action will be, I met others who were in a very similar situation. I learned that I’m not alone, that there is a family within the church that loves me and sees me for me and not for who I love.

So please keep me in your thoughts and/or prayers as I’m going through this process.

Stepping out of the wilderness
I wasn’t ready to leave Colorado. Being secluded, safe and sure of myself allowed me the time to charge my battery. I was able to be still and listen to the small whispers of the Spirit through the beauty of nature and creation around me; I didn’t want to come back to the hustle and bustle. My life lives in a clanging city, where I can’t hear the whispers of things beyond me. It was refreshing to finally sit and be, and to invite the holy to join.

I’m glad to be home but still crave for more time in the wilderness. No wonder Jesus took forty days. I’m ready to start this work towards full inclusion along with my candidacy. This blog will start to have interesting content for sure from this incredible adventure I will be embarking on.

Pre-Trip Reflection

Today is laundry day. I'm sitting here at the back corner of a local "Quick Rinse" laundromat since our roommate Alan has yet to find a worth electronic washboard and clothesline. So as I'm sitting here in between "Speed Queen" #1 & #2 and the wash is moving to the rinse cycle, I thought I'd take some time to reflect on the upcoming weekend.

In my last post I shared a letter from Mark Tooley at UMAction to Reconciling Ministries Network. I hope it fired you up as much as it did for me. This coming weekend I'm flying to Estes Park, Colorado (thanks to a generous donation from a couple of people in my conference) to learn, observe, fellowship, and grow while at the RMN Convocation. Convocation is a time to "rest, relax, and restore in the beauty of God's creation; learn, organize, and launch reconciling initiatives; pray, play and sing the new creation into action." This is a time for those of us who are passionate about an inclusive body of Christ to come together and plan for change, encourage one another and to learn from one another. I cannot tell you how excited, nervous, ready, apprehensive, curious, energized, etc, I am to be a part of this upcoming weekend.

For a long time I have felt a very strong pull/call (whatever you call your own) to be in ministry. In the early years, I didn't know what that would look like. Until the day I was given the opportunity to preach in my home church. And as Wesley would describe it, "My heart was strangely warmed." I believe that experience was meant to reveal y call to ordained ministry.

A couple of years ago, I realized there was another part of myself that was pulling and calling. It was something that I had felt at other times in my life, but this time I could not ignore it any longer, it had hit me like a ton of bricks and it came in the form of an incredible woman who is now my partner. I was bewildered, confused and scared. But came through it and came out of the wilderness finding a very true sense of who God created me to be. I believe that this experience was meant to reveal my calling to ordained ministry and to be a voice for the silence and scared, and to deliver a message of hope to those on the fringes.

As I'm gearing up to go to convo, I know this will also be another experience that will reveal another key detail of the journey in ministry that I am on. I'm excited to share with all of you my thoughts, feelings, experiences, conversations, and revelations that this weekend will bring.