Steady feet don't fail me now

My love letter to Trinity UMC

2010-02-15T07:31:00.002-06:00

So last week my pastor asked me along with 2 other people to speak at this Sunday's services about why we love Trinity. I really loved sharing this, but wow, it was emotional and vulnerable. 2 things I really have a hard time doing in front of a large group.

Here's my love letter to Trinity UMC:

When I was a kid my parents sent me to this great summer camp every year, probably to get me to unwind my rambunctious spirit that was ready to break free after school had let out. But I usually came back from camp more fired up for more activity. When I was twelve I came back home from camp that summer and something was different. You see I had come back and had felt a different kind of spirit moving inside of me in a way I had never felt before. I had experienced an awakening in myself, and I was certain that in the future I was going to be a pastor. I can’t explain how I knew this, but I did. I had lots of questions and worries, feelings of fear and being inadequate. But my local church supported me, helped me explore what ministry was and helped foster the growth of my gifts that they recognized as ‘gifts for ministry.’

Jump ahead to 2007. 3 years ago, it was my senior year at Southwestern University, I had all my plans figured out, I knew who I was and where I was going. I assumed I was straight and I was going to seminary to become a United Methodist pastor, I had it all figured out. But I wasn’t prepared for what would happen next. Something else began to stir inside of me again, turned my world upside down, something I had never felt before, and something so strong and incredibly true. I had fallen madly in love with my best friend, Jessica. We’ve been together for almost three years and if you ask me how much I love her, I will tell you more than the depths of anything any part of me could ever reach.

It wasn’t long after coming out, that I realized that two very prominent aspects of me, my call to ministry and my newly discovered sexual orientation were seen as “incompatible with Christian teaching” to the denomination and the church that had supported me through much of my young and adolescent life. It was the United Methodist Church that had recognized my call, they were the ones who helped foster and identify my gifts, and they were the ones who had surrounded me with all the support a community of faith should. But I guess now they could only support part of me. Even though I was heart-broken, I was determined to continue on this path, hoping that things would change.

When Jessica and I started to think about our future together we talked about the areas in our life that were important to grow and focus on as a couple. One of those things was to find a supportive faith community. We knew we needed a community that not only supported us as a couple but a place that would be open to our individual experiences, beliefs and gifts. We found that and so much more here at Trinity.

The first day we walked through those doors, we sat down and immediately connected to the energy that fills this space. Each week we began to feel more and more connected, more and more supported, more and more loved. We were hooked!

By being a part of this community, I have been given so many opportunities to build a fuller version of myself. I am able to tap into a more mature spiritual lens than I had before by being a part of WNL classes, listening to Sid’s sermons, and through the variety of worship experiences here. I see God as being much more loving and present among us, through your prayers that you share every week, giving me the space to share mine, and to know that the love that this group embodies will go with me when I leave this place. I have

I have found much needed strength to go through my candidacy for ordination in the most honest way, as the complete version of myself, knowing that I will probably be denied ordination because of it. When that happens I know that I can turn to this community to surround me with love and support.

This is the type of community that I long our larger denomination to mirror, I long for our world to mirror. I don’t want to be mistaken as sounding too idealistic; I know that even the best communities have their flaws. But from my experience, I step into this space every week and I see a glimpse of what the world could be like.

Starhawk, an American writer, eco-feminist and activist, has a really wonderful way of seeing community, and is how I feel about Trinity:

We are all longing to go home to some place we have never been — a place half-remembered and half-envisioned we can only catch glimpses of from time to time. Community. Somewhere, there are people to whom we can speak with passion without having the words catch in our throats. Somewhere a circle of hands will open to receive us, eyes will light up as we enter, voices will celebrate with us whenever we come into our own power. Community means strength that joins our strength to do the work that needs to be done. Arms to hold us when we falter. A circle of healing. A circle of friends. Someplace where we can be free.-

Peace, Peace, Peace

2010-01-29T09:37:00.001-06:00

Peace is a very limited theme in my life. As much as I fight for peace, advocate for it and promote it in the lives of others, it is very hard for me to find it within my own life. I'm a very anxious and unsettled person in much of my nature, or maybe its just my 20's. :)

In the last month or so, a level of peace has come and settled in its place, there are a couple of reasons for this.. at least I think.

The Assessment
I met with my mentor a couple of weeks ago for the second time. Before we met I had to complete the IRAI (Inventory of Religious Activities and Interests), which is basically just a big assessment on what type of ministry I might be lead into, where my gifts currently are being used and what areas I might need to foster more growth. The bulk of the assessment broke up the different roles that I will take on as a pastor and what percentage of "me" is currently divied up to those roles.

Here they are: (highest possible score is 100) along with their explanation behind each role.

Counselor-69 (moderately high) Bringing comfort to persons in need, helping persons with problems.

Administrator- 56 (average) Planning, promoting, and executing various church related programs

Teacher- 38 (moderately low) Teaching and directing Christian education in a local church

Scholar- 71 (moderately high) Scholarly reading, study, research, and/or teaching persons in a college

Evangelist- 54 (average) Various types of evangelistic work, contacting persons for Christ (I really have a problem with that language)

Spiritual Guide- 58 (average) Talking about religious topics, help persons develop their faith

Reformer- 98 (Very High) Seeking social justice, working in community improvement programs.

Priest- 88 (Very High) Conducting public worship, sacraments, and liturgy.

Preacher- 62 (moderately high) Preaching and public speaking developing speaking skills

Musician- 2 (Very Low) Directing a local church music program (assuming musical training)

It really is very unsettling for me to be assessed and especially to assess myself. I will sit and over think every single question, hoping that maybe it will just disappear if I think about it hard enough. It never does though.
When the results came out, I became a little flustered because so much of my job that I do now is a "Teacher" and so much of my personal self is a "Spiritual Guide". So when I scored somewhat low on those roles I felt kind of hurt. But my mentor really put it into perspective for me. We discussed how these are where I am now, and that in 20 years, heck even 2 months my roles might look different. The roles that I never thought I would portray as high as I did, were the highest. So we discussed what it would be like to see myself in those roles. We also talked about how this could be used as a tool, to help guide me in fostering growth in all areas.

My mentor suggested becoming more a part of worship at Trinity and also to find someone to shadow who is at the 'reforming' level of the church. This next month we are going to talk about my "Wesleyan Dimensions of Call", big title that actually has some great aspects to it. So more to come on that soon!

The Class

Its been a long time since I've felt peace in my work. I'm constantly surrounded by crisis and things that need immediate attention. Since I was twelve I'd felt a very specific calling to be a pastor, and this calling and everything that I did to 'fullfill' it was comforting, purposeful and filled me with peace. But around my Junior year I began to struggle with a lot of feelings and looking back much to do with my sexuality. But it was like one day everything that I had put into my future as a pastor was just taken away. All of the certainty that I knew, all of the confidence I had in myself to be a leader was gone, and I really haven't felt THAT confident since then, until now.

My pastor Sid asked me a few weeks ago to teach a Wednesday night class at our church on homosexuality and the Bible. I was really honored and excited when he asked me but quickly it sunk in and the nerves got the better of me. I thought of all the amazing classes I've taken at church and how much they remind me of some of the religion classes I took at Southwestern, they were scholarly, all of the teachers were so knowledgeable and everyone in the class seemed like they had an extra gig of smarts than I had. So how could I possibly be qualified to teach a class? Especially one that is sooo based on scripture and reading with historical context and knowledge of Biblical times.

I prepared the first lesson so diligently, I wanted to make sure that I knew my stuff and that my age and life experience (or lack of) wasn't my first impression. It was very interesting how quickly those feelings about me and how I would look subsided, and feelings of care for the people who were going to join my class, most of whom I hadn't even met came. I'd like to think that maybe this is a sign of finding some maturity in this calling of mine.

15 people came to my first class. I was so shocked. Not only from the amount of people who had an interest in the class I was teaching but the feeling I had while leading the class. My second week was even better! When I think about finding words to describe how being in that moment was like, I begin to type words and quickly erase them because they don't quite fit the magnitude of overwhelming peace that I felt. It like I was going through the motions, not like it was being ingenuine, but like my body to the depths of my soul had found another piece (and peace) of what it was made for.

What comes to mind are words from C.S. Lewis, an author who I'm not usually apt to quote, but I felt like his words were so fitting.

"All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it- tantalizing glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear. But if it really should become manifest- if there ever came an echo that did not die away but swelled into the sound itself- you would know it. Beyond all possibility of doubt you would say, "Here at last is the thing I was made for." We cannot tell each other about it. It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasable want, the thing we desired before we met our partners or made our friends or chose our work, and which we shall still desire on our deathbeds, when the mind no longer knows partner or friend or work. While we are, this is. If we lose this, we lose all." C.S. Lewis

A Much Needed Update

2009-12-22T12:35:00.001-06:00

I want to apologize to my few faithful readers. I know I kind of left you all with a cliff-hanger from the last post. I honestly didn’t realize how busy my life would be these last couple of months. Work, my personal life and just the day to day has been incredibly busy and I feel like I haven’t stopped to breathe until right now.

I know a lot of you are waiting to hear how my first meeting went with my mentor and part of my delay in post has been because of that. Our meetings together have a great level of confidentiality and trust built in, and I really want to be careful to not break that confidentiality or trust. So I’m sorry that I can’t share with you on this public forum if I was able to tell her about the entirety of who I am. If you are really dying to know, please feel free to email me, call me, ask me to go to coffee. I’d love to share with you how that first meeting went on that front.

I went to meet her and as you can imagine I was pretty nervous. I’m not very good with opening up to others on first meetings; I’m usually pretty closed and cautious. It’s a barrier that I cause on my own, and am pushing myself to step out a little. I was also kind of scared as to what was going to be happening in my spiritual life as a result of the next 8-9 months going through this process and this meeting was stepping out of the starting gate for me.

I drove up to a church very similar to the one I grew up in, brick and columns, great landscaping, multiple buildings for programs and activities, and in a family-oriented community. The surroundings made me feel more comfortable, but I quickly realized that I was much different now than the Britt who grew up in Martin UMC. I walked up to the administration building and introduced myself to the secretary at the front, told her who I was and that I was there to meet my mentor. She smiled warmly and invited me to take a seat and to wait a few minutes while she let he know I was there.

My mentor came around the corner with a warm and welcoming spirit, introduced herself and led me around the corner to her office. We sat and talked for about an hour and a half. I was so nervous I talked for the majority of the time, DOPE! The completely opposite thing that I would normally do when meeting a new person. After I left I felt awful about this, I’m there to learn and let my nerves get in the way of my interest in getting to know her and learning from her experience. I’m sure she could tell I was nervous and was overcompensating with my lack of conversation skills.  We decided to meet again in early January, and I’ve been really excited about it ever since!

I’m really excited about learning from someone who can help and support me in my call to ministry because they’ve been in a similar place of following God’s call. I was thinking the other day how long it had been since I’ve had someone who has taken this role in my life; it’s been since high school or even middle school. SOOO much has happened in my life since then that honestly it’s a miracle that I’ve made it this far on my own. That’s a long time to go feeling that you are on this journey by yourself. So I’m really excited about this new mentor relationship that is forming and will help awaken in me tools for my journey.

This coming year is going to be filled with a lot of life changing events/decisions/random occurrences. I’m looking forward to it and trembling at the thought of it. I’ve decided to take things slower than I normally had planned. I was going to apply for seminary for the Fall of 2010 but have decided to postpone that for another year. I feel at peace with the decision and see new opportunities that I can experience because of it. 1) I don’t know what is going to come of my candidacy process and would like to be able to make a decision about seminary when I’m able to fully focus on that. As well as to be able to properly deal with anything that happens where I will need proper space and time to deal with. 2) I would like to take the mentor portion of this process as it was meant to be, a process, not something that needs to be rushed through in order to receive more funding for grad school (to those of you who did that, no hard feelings towards you, I just need to do it a different way). 3) I have a job that’s teaching me every day what it means to meet the needs of the world; I still have some more learning to do from this job. 4) I would like to spend some time volunteering and being more a part of my community. I would like to be able to do that for just the purpose of enjoying it.

So I have another busy year of growing into myself! I will try to keep you all updated with what is going on a little better than I have in the past few months. If I fail at it please forgive me, or better yet, just pick up the phone and call me, email me or facebook me. I’d love to share with you the adventure that I am on!

Statement of Call

2009-10-13T08:49:00.003-05:00

So I've sent in my statement of call to my district superintendent as of 9:00 am this morning.

YAY!

I'm really looking forward to this process, and by looking forward to it I mean scared out of my mind. And by scared out of my mind I mean, really ready and excited!

It was a lot harder than I had anticipated to sum up my calling and the direction of that call into a nicely formatted document. I talk about it all the time, and I share it with you all here, so I don't know why it was so hard for me to write it to my district superintendent. Maybe because its such an official kind of thing or because it kind of marks the beginning of this process for me and I know it will be a long road. Or maybe its because I'm too hard on myself and want this to look perfect. Anyways, I'm glad I'm done with it and I'm happy with what I've sent it off!

Now I'm waiting on my D.S. to assign me a candidacy mentor! I'm really looking forward to learning from someone and having a mentor, keep your eyes peeled for an update, hopefully soon!

I thought I would share with you all the statement of call that I submitted as well:

My call to ministry has been a beautiful ribbon that God has woven in, out and around my life. Many times it has been very evident and at other times less visible, but always keeping very close to my heart and to my consciousness. I have felt this call to ministry since I was twelve, when I found myself drawn to sit quietly at the lake shore of a summer camp while all of my peers were running as fast as they could to afternoon activities. I sat all afternoon in conversation with God, pondering together what was in the making for my life. I left that holy ground with more questions than answers, but also a great sense of comfort knowing that God would be with me.

The pastors that served my church when I was a youth were very integral to the realization of my calling. They allowed me to preach in worship, shadow them in home visits to members of the church, and met with me often to help me discern my call. In my undergraduate work at Southwestern University, I sat at the feet of many wise individuals hoping to soak in as much knowledge as I could while going through my inquiry process. When I graduated two years ago from Southwestern University, I began serving in the nonprofit community, opening myself to the many experiences that this work offered to my future ministry. I attend Trinity UMC in Austin, and by being a part of this accepting and loving family, I have witnessed what it means to be in true community and in ministry. The Holy Spirit has continued calling me back to the lake shore through these experiences which have revealed and confirmed to me that I am being called to ordained ministry.

I believe that I am being called into ordained ministry to deliver a message of God’s all-encompassing love to a hurting and desperately searching world. I believe that this is the message that God calls us all to experience with each other and was beautifully modeled through Jesus. I’ve witnessed the maturing of my gifts for ministry through the encounters with life that God has led me through. I feel that God has gifted me with an open heart that has the capacity to be receptive to experiences different than my own and to be genuinely approachable in learning with others in discussing our collective experiences. I have a curious and seeking heart that continually wants to learn and know more about this Great Mystery. God has given me a great desire to be with others in their time of need, to deliver words of encouragement and guidance, to lead a community into deeper meaning of what it means to be a follower of Jesus and to live that message boldly, to offer healing and reconciliation to a hurting world, and to be a voice to the silenced, oppressed and marginalized.

Reflections on Convocation

2009-09-15T14:06:00.001-05:00

I'm so sorry that you faithful readers haven't had a post about convo when you expected it. It took me quite awhile to step back from my experience and observe. But as promised, here you go.

***Warning Looong Post| There are Titles to Help***

DEEP INTO THE WILDERNESS
As I drove through the majestic Rocky Mountains, I couldn’t keep my eyes fixated on anything long enough for them to be distracted by another gorgeous display of God’s continuing creation. The hour and a half drive from the Denver airport to the YMCA at Estes Park was the perfect introduction to what this weekend of convocation would be like for me. I was excited to meet others with similar stories, learn more about inclusion and love, and to quiet my heart to hear the Spirit calling in the wilderness (both literally and figuratively).

BELIEVE OUT LOUD
I have committed myself to a campaign in which “United Methodists will gather in fifty annual conference teams to tell their stories and join the movement for full inclusion of people of all sexual orientations and gender identities” (rmnetwork.org). The larger campaign is called Called to Witness, and the effort for the next year is called “Believe Out Loud.” CTW (Called to Witness) comes from the theory that people don’t change until they know the stories of others. For more information about this campaign: http://tinyurl.com/luwtvo

I am one of three Annual Conference trainers with the task to facilitate this campaign in our AC. The training for this campaign was on Friday, the first day of convocation. Most of the training was about learning to tell our stories. We know that people don’t feel connected to a cause unless they know someone personally touched by the issue or if their story connects with the issue as well. So I’d like to share my story with you about why I am a Reconciling United Methodist:

BRITT’S STORY OF WHY SHE IS A RECONCILING METHODIST:
I spent most of my life as a United Methodist. I have made lifelong friends from Sunday school as a child, formed much of my early faith from experiences in my youth group, and have deep roots as a Wesleyan by the traditions I was a part of in the church. When I was twelve years old I received a call to ordained ministry, I remember feeling more sure of this than anything in my heart, that I was meant to be a pastor. I was so excited about this feeling and the assurance it gave me about God’s will in my life, I wanted to share it with those who were closest to me.

At that time I was also attending a conservative Christian private school, and most of the student body reflected that type of theology. I came to school with a full heart ready to share the news of my calling. When I told my friends about what I was feeling their reaction was that my place was not in the pulpit but behind the man in it. I was crushed, confused and hurt. I told my parents what had happened and what I was feeling, they then took that opportunity to teach me “to not let anyone silence you and who you are Britt.”

A few years down the line, I still felt a strong call to ministry in the UMC, but had come out as a lesbian. I was quickly aware of what the denomination I was planning on serving felt about my sexual orientation, that I was “incompatible with Christian teaching.” All of the feelings of hurt, fear, being silenced came back. I couldn’t understand how God could call me to such important work but also create me as something incompatible with that calling? I quickly remembered the teaching of my parents, “do not let anyone silence who you are.”

A big part of this experience has fueled my passion to become a pastor and a Reconciling United Methodist. For me, being a pastor is not to memorize scripture, preach it from the pulpit and to direct and instill guilt into a congregation of very human people. It is my duty to come down from the pulpit and hear all of the stories from everyone, not only in my congregation but out on the street, in the house next to mine, behind me in the grocery store. It is my duty to hear them and speak for them just as they are, to be their voice when they are being silenced. That is why I am a reconciling United Methodist.

THE HIKE
On Saturday afternoon I thought it would be really wonderful to go on a hike in the Rockies. I had never been to Colorado before, and what I perfect way to experience it than to hike it! This story displays my true inexperienced wilderness Texan self.

We started off with our guide on the trail, and it was such a pleasant walk. We saw elk, wild turkeys, chipmunks, and lots of bear poop, but no bears thank goodness. We made our way through the winding hills and around streams to a large clearing. The clearing was at the base of a small range of mountains that had a small river running through them that was fed by a glacier. It was here when we arrived that all the heavens opened and it began to rain. It was a little chilly but I thought it was kind of nice to have some weather come along, it made for an adventure. We climbed into some hills for our trek back to camp and when we arrived at the peak of this large hill it began to lightening… a lot. I was pretty scared to be up there with all the trees and the clearings that basically called to the lightening, “She’s right here, strike her!” But we kept pressing on. Eventually, it began hailing, yes, hailing. My poor little legs were so cold and were being bruised by all of these small bb’s falling from a heavenly bb gun. OUCH! The temperature dropped significantly, and it quickly felt like a winter day in the mountains. Far from the feeling of the 70 degree weather we had left down below.
Finally when we got to the end of the hike it was pouring and I was soaked and bruised up. My fingers felt like they were falling asleep and I had to keep moving them to wake them up.
Even though it was a death defying experience (jk) it was an adventure and I truly enjoyed it! 

Meeting a Trailblazer

On Saturday I was passing by a friend I had met at the conference who was walking with an elderly woman. The woman I did not know looked really familiar. Amy walked up and introduced the woman she was with as Jeanne Audrey Powers. As soon as that name was uttered I knew exactly who she was. Jeanne Audrey was one of the first women ordained in the UM church. She made her way up the ladder within the Church and eventually became Associate General Secretary on the General Commission of Christian Unity and Interreligious Concerns in the 1970’s. In 1996 she was at RMN convocation and during the middle of her sermon she came out as a lesbian. She became the highest-ranking United Methodist official to acknowledge that she is gay. I remember hearing about this story in my teenage years when I was felt called to ministry, not identifying as a lesbian yet, I still felt connected to her story and her struggle. She had made many of the paths easier for me to cross as a woman called to ministry because she had already endured them. Now as an out lesbian and a called clergy-to-be, her story and life mean more to me than ever.

So to meet such a spiritual giant who will be the in history of the UM church for forever was a humongous milestone for my life. I shook her hand and said something to the effect that it was nice to meet her and I hope she has a nice convocation. Then about 40 yards down the path after they had passed, I wanted to ram my head into the nearest tree. How could I have not told her what she means to me? So I found her later that evening and apologized and told her how long I had known of her story and how thankful I was for her life and ministry. She was very humble and gracious and agreed to be pen pals with me!  So I will be writing her often to sit at the feet of her experience and wisdom. I’m very excited about this!

The Thin Space
I love the description of the place where God meets you as the “thin space”. That space where the divide between human and divine are almost seamless. I don’t believe that this was how it was supposed to be, that we feel this separateness from our creator. I believe that our culture, history, the American dream, selfishness of others, wars, misinterpretation, fears, insecurities, anger, apathy, etc. etc. etc., step in between to create that massive space that we feel between ourselves and anything holy. I believe that the divine is so much closer than we realize. So when I come to a place where I can feel the seams melting away, I want to dance, and bow and take my sandals off, and stay as long as I can. Intimate worship is that thin space for me.

Convocation worship was life changing. I allowed myself to open up to things that were outside of my tradition and to connect to the familiar. We sang spirituals, songs in Spanish and Swahili, praise songs, and even ones that were secular. Communion was more intimate than I had ever experienced and took on a special meaning for me in working for ALL being invited to the table. Prayers were said in different languages, were exchanged between seat neighbors, read from centuries past and from the present, were cried and sung. My body could not physically contain the release that this worship brought to me, I cried every time.

Ordination and Being Me
I was a part of a workshop called “Ordination and Social Change,” on Saturday. It was really informative and basically described the process of ordination. A representative from the Board of Higher Education was there to lead the workshop. It really got me thinking about ordination, ministry and my life, realizing that to the Church they contradict one another. My ministry and my sexual orientation don’t match up with what the Church sees as compatible with Christian teaching. Therefore, if I’m open about my life and open about my sexual orientation then there is a very strong chance that I will not be ordained.

So I feel that I have a decision to make. What is the plan? How open do I plan to be? Is it right to work myself up to a place of power in order to help promote change? Or is using my ability to conceal this part of my identity as best as I can, fair to others who can’t? What happens if I’m discovered (not like I’m trying so hard not to be) and then defrocked? I know that this is kind of the worst-case-scenario that my mentality is in, but I really think it’s okay for me to be thinking this way. I have a lot of questions for about what I’m supposed to be doing with this calling and the current situation I’m in, but it seems that all the answers aren’t coming at once, just more questions.

Convocation was really wonderful to be a part of because even though I started to feel antsier about my future and what my plan of action will be, I met others who were in a very similar situation. I learned that I’m not alone, that there is a family within the church that loves me and sees me for me and not for who I love.

So please keep me in your thoughts and/or prayers as I’m going through this process.

Stepping out of the wilderness
I wasn’t ready to leave Colorado. Being secluded, safe and sure of myself allowed me the time to charge my battery. I was able to be still and listen to the small whispers of the Spirit through the beauty of nature and creation around me; I didn’t want to come back to the hustle and bustle. My life lives in a clanging city, where I can’t hear the whispers of things beyond me. It was refreshing to finally sit and be, and to invite the holy to join.

I’m glad to be home but still crave for more time in the wilderness. No wonder Jesus took forty days. I’m ready to start this work towards full inclusion along with my candidacy. This blog will start to have interesting content for sure from this incredible adventure I will be embarking on.

Pre-Trip Reflection

2009-09-01T08:14:00.003-05:00

Today is laundry day. I'm sitting here at the back corner of a local "Quick Rinse" laundromat since our roommate Alan has yet to find a worth electronic washboard and clothesline. So as I'm sitting here in between "Speed Queen" #1 & #2 and the wash is moving to the rinse cycle, I thought I'd take some time to reflect on the upcoming weekend.

In my last post I shared a letter from Mark Tooley at UMAction to Reconciling Ministries Network. I hope it fired you up as much as it did for me. This coming weekend I'm flying to Estes Park, Colorado (thanks to a generous donation from a couple of people in my conference) to learn, observe, fellowship, and grow while at the RMN Convocation. Convocation is a time to "rest, relax, and restore in the beauty of God's creation; learn, organize, and launch reconciling initiatives; pray, play and sing the new creation into action." This is a time for those of us who are passionate about an inclusive body of Christ to come together and plan for change, encourage one another and to learn from one another. I cannot tell you how excited, nervous, ready, apprehensive, curious, energized, etc, I am to be a part of this upcoming weekend.

For a long time I have felt a very strong pull/call (whatever you call your own) to be in ministry. In the early years, I didn't know what that would look like. Until the day I was given the opportunity to preach in my home church. And as Wesley would describe it, "My heart was strangely warmed." I believe that experience was meant to reveal y call to ordained ministry.

A couple of years ago, I realized there was another part of myself that was pulling and calling. It was something that I had felt at other times in my life, but this time I could not ignore it any longer, it had hit me like a ton of bricks and it came in the form of an incredible woman who is now my partner. I was bewildered, confused and scared. But came through it and came out of the wilderness finding a very true sense of who God created me to be. I believe that this experience was meant to reveal my calling to ordained ministry and to be a voice for the silence and scared, and to deliver a message of hope to those on the fringes.

As I'm gearing up to go to convo, I know this will also be another experience that will reveal another key detail of the journey in ministry that I am on. I'm excited to share with all of you my thoughts, feelings, experiences, conversations, and revelations that this weekend will bring.

Stirring the Waters

2009-07-31T10:40:00.003-05:00

This is an email that was sent out about the group I am a part of, Reconciling Ministries and the convocation that is going to take place in Estes Park at the beginning of September. This email is from Mark Tooley and the Institute on Religion & Democracy:

We can be grateful that The United Methodist Church is NOT following the Episcopal Church into its sad and schismatic affirmation of openly homosexual clergy and eventual same-sex rites. Thankfully, the liberal attempt to separate the U.S. church from African United Methodists and to liberalize local church membership standards has been defeated, seemingly, in the votes on proposed constitutional amendments at the annual conferences this year. We give God the thanks.

But United Methodist pro-homosexuality activists are not deterred and are convening on Labor Day weekend in Estes Park, Colorado for a “Justice and Joy” celebration of Reconciling Congregation’s 25th anniversary. The speakers include the current United Methodist Bishop of Seattle, the evangelism professor at Southern Methodist University’s seminary, officers of the United Methodist General Commission on Religion and Race, a former official of the General Board of Global Ministries, a former president of a United Methodist seminary, a former official of the United Methodist Women’s Division, and the Dean of Students at United Methodist Garrett Seminary in Chicago.

Other speakers include: Drew Phoenix, the Baltimore United Methodist minister who had a sex-change operation from female to male; Karen Oliveto, who conducted same-sex unions in defiance of United Methodist law during San Francisco’s “Summer of Love;” Sue Laurie, who “married” her female partner outside the United Methodist General Conference in Dallas last year; and Sally Sparks, a former male now professing to be female who remained “married” to his/her wife (as Sparks recounted several years ago at the “Hearts on Fire” event at Lake Junaluska).

At the 2004 General Conference in Pittsburgh, Susan Laurie approached me in a public restaurant and asked if I could relocate to another room as a “courtesy” to her, since my very presence unsettled her! So much for love and inclusiveness!

Sally Sparks, the transsexual, is leading a workshop on “transcending gender.” This theme, that all of us have a fluid gender and sexual identity, is new for the homosexual movement. Today you are a straight man, but tomorrow you could be a bisexual woman! It’s all simply a state of mind.

The ancient Christians called this confusion “Gnosticism,” the idea that thoughts and feelings could override physical reality. This event in Colorado will feature a workshop about teaching “very young children about sexual orientation and gender diversity. Participants will learn specific ways to model affirming attitudes about sexual orientation and gender difference with children.”

This is appalling and tragic. Fortunately, The United Methodist Church has rejected this destructive message of sexual confusion. Unfortunately, thousands of our ministers, seminary professors, bishops and church agency staff still believe in this corrosive agenda.

Please continue to pray and support UMAction as we unapologetically affirm traditional Christianity within our great United Methodist Church. You can donate now to our ministry of church reform here.

With appreciation,
Mark Tooley
IRD President
Director, UMAction

What is the greater cause?

2009-07-30T10:40:00.000-05:00

I have a really great job.
Most of my work includes talking with members of the community about how we can prevent violence from occurring before it even happens. I really like my job, its collaborative, creative and hopeful while crisis is happening all around me. I tend to be the optimistic one at my agency, mainly due to the fact that I’m on the prevention team while everyone else deals with crisis and intervention. But this past week while preparing for the implementation of a program I became more aware of a pressing issue.

Our coalition, who so diligently works to plan and create goals for implementing prevention efforts in our county, has decided that Taylor, TX would be a great place to start our program. The city has a lot of need and has a lot of areas in which we could improve the current situation. They currently have the highest number of family violence reports to the police in relation to their population. 60% of Taylor ISD students are economically disadvantaged, as well as 3.9% school dropout rate. Williamson county social services tend to focus their attention on the more populated cities and forget about our cities on the outer rim of our county. Many times Taylor is overlooked. So I am very happy we are going to be there.

But I’ve become aware that the people of Taylor are not putting issues of family violence in the forefront of their minds, and really maybe they shouldn’t or can’t. Basic needs are not being met for many families in Taylor. Food isn’t on the table, water and electricity are being turned off, transportation is limited and money is tight across the board. Honestly its like driving into another world when I enter Taylor, things are just done a bit differently there. I live in my nice Georgetown where there are white, wealthy, older men everywhere, and that’s basically who backs the entire city.

I drive into Taylor and the first thing I see are factories and manufactures with tired workers taking a much needed smoking break from the long day shift ahead of them. On the main square there are a lot of stores that are abandoned or very close to getting there. A lot of houses have the antique feel to them and have not had the upkeep that they might need. The age of this side of Taylor still has some charm and personality that keeps it living. I am reminded of the Pixar movie “Cars” when I come through town, taking a look at all the antique stores and mom and pop country cooking stops. You wonder how they stay afloat but you still have a smile on your face when you pass by, reflecting on its charm.

If you cross the other side of the tracks, literally the other side of the rail road tracks there is another side to Taylor. When I was there just a couple of weeks ago surveying the area, it was a little ironic that when I crossed the railroad tracks it started to pour down with rain. I drove through houses that made you wonder how any residents could possibly live there. The juxtaposition of this part of the community to other charming side made my heart ache. When I was talking to a community member about prevention of violence not being a priority in the community, this must have been the image that was in her mind.

My primary task is to prevent violence before it happens, but what happens when a community’s main concern is putting food on the table? I know that the state of the economy is so closely tied with violence, but I feel that my cause is futile. How do you present a very important cause to a community who truly needs it when their minds, hearts and lives are in a very valid place that might keep them from joining you?

Untruth is my enemy

2009-06-30T12:31:00.001-05:00

“John Hagee is not my enemy. Cornerstone is not my enemy. Untruth is my enemy.”

This mantra played over and over again in my head yesterday like a ferris wheel cart coming around and around on its monotonous track. A few of my dear friends, about 40-50 other people from around Texas and representatives from Soulforce (soulforce.org) and Atticus Circle (http://www.atticuscircle.org/) attended worship at Cornerstone Church in San Antonio. We planned to attend a ‘dialogue’ with some of the members of the church about this church's hateful campaign against LGBT persons, how it must end, and how we can be a part of helping them end it. I could see in my very imaginative mind the scene from “Braveheart”: The Cornerstone church with their 18,000 member army with bibles in hand, our side clearly being outnumbered. Our leaders pumping our spirits up with thematic music playing in the background (like all good battle scenes in films do) and with a grand shout “They may take our lives! But they will never take our freedom!!!!!” I have quite the imagination, I know.

John Hagee is most well known for his close ties with the Republican party as one of John McCain’s campaign spiritual advisors. He is founder and senior pastor of Cornerstone Church, a non-denominational-charismatic church. Church services are televised globally and is the founder of many fundamental Christian foundations. His personal theology was the center of controversy this year when he stated, "I believe that the Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans...I believe that New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God, and they are -- were recipients of the judgment of God for that...There was to be a homosexual parade there on the Monday that the Katrina came. And the promise of that parade was that it was going to reach a level of sexuality never demonstrated before in any of the other Gay Pride parades...The Bible teaches that when you violate the law of God, that God brings punishment sometimes before the day of judgment."He has also made other similar comments about lgbt persons as well as other marginalized groups (http://tinyurl.com/p3gek8).
So as you can see it was hard for me to imagine myself remaining peaceful and calm with the comments he has publicly made and how churches like these have been so instrumental in causing hurt to my community. But I told myself that I would breathe a lot, recite my mantra and remember the support that my community gives to me.
We arrived at the church and as we walked in this grand choir singing as if the gates of heaven had been opened. It was absolutely beautiful and you couldn’t help but be moved by the musicality and fervor that they sung with. The music was juxtaposed by male-only security/usher detail lining the entire perimeter of the room. This was quite intimidating especially when you are wearing a name tag that distinguishes why you are there: Britt Cox “Sunday of Solidarity”. The service mirrored the charismatic services I had seen on television, lots of shouting and movements by the Spirit, very exuberant preaching style, an emphasis on giving financially. I’ll be honest, I can get into the movements of the Spirit and the charismatic preaching style, and especially the music that this type of denomination provides. I think I just like my church with some seasoning and spice.

Something that surprised me was the discussion we had with congregants after the service. Rev. Hagee provided a reception for us with cookies and punch. It began by him addressing the crowd with something to the effect of, “We know that we disagree on this issue,” but he never spoke about what that issue was. After his opening remarks he took the leadership of Soulforce and Atticus Circle into a private meeting for about fifteen minutes. Rev. Hagee’s policy is to record any private meetings with interest groups that meet with him but will not allow those groups to bring any type of recording devices with him. Once his security detail closed the doors of his private chamber we were left to mix and mingle with the congregants.

My friend Betsy and I talked to a couple that was sitting behind us. I’m embarrassed to say that their names escape me, I think I might have been too nervous to remember. We started off by talking about our jobs, where we’re from and our church homes. The man was one of the many pastors at the church and also does some child advocacy work in San Antonio. He dominated most of the conversation and from my assumption it was because of nerves and control of the situation. His wife barely spoke and he barely gave us room to speak. But he did ask some questions such as: Why did you come to this discussion? Have you faced any discrimination personally?

He also counsels church members and many have come to him and said that they are struggling with homosexual feelings. He used lots of terms such as, “choice,” “lifestyle,” “decision.” I struggled with confronting him on those words. I didn’t know if having a conversation was the greater effort and if confronting him on the use of those words would block any potential discussion. I felt that the greater good was to be able to give him a face and a story. Hopefully those 2 things will open his heart further to be aware of the ways in which language and demeanor further marginalizes those who are in the LGBT community.

I felt really sad for Cornerstone, it seemed like it was unchristian of them to discuss homosexuality so openly. My feelings coming out of the discussion that lasted no more than 20 minutes, was that this was all for show. If this conservative, literalist group could have a preacher that lashes out against my community so openly then why couldn’t they be transparent during a one-on-one discussion. In my opinion it is kind of like their dream situation: here’s a gay now attack. But they didn’t, at least not in such an aggressive way as I had expected. Their silence to me was cowardly. We had come to have an open discussion but they didn’t want to play. Maybe they didn’t feel safe, maybe they really had different views than their pastor, maybe there wasn’t enough time, maybe they wanted to look like the good guys on their home turf, I don’t know what the real reason was. However, I really would have liked to have found a middle ground.

Even though this experience wasn’t what I thought it would be, I feel that it is a powerful tool to forward change on this issue. So I will continue to be a part of discussing and telling my story knowing that God loves me, is proud of me, and will continue to shape and mold me through experiences like this.

How long O Lord?

2009-06-10T12:25:00.001-05:00

How long, God of justice, how long
before you hear the cries of your people?
How long will the poor be hungry
Before they are fed?
How long will children fear death
Before you hold them in your arms?
How long must the weak suffer
At the hands of their oppressors?

What keeps you from acting?
For your Name’s sake we ask!
Father of the Poor. Mother of Mercy.
God of all consolation!
Your silence makes mockery of your name.
Come, God of Justice.
Too much suffering, too many deaths.
You have waited long enough!
Strike quickly in our world
and today
in our hearts.

Prayer by: Pat Kozak and Janet Schaffran

Take a chance.

2009-06-08T11:04:00.001-05:00

This was a free association journal entry I wrote:

I want a chance.
I really can’t believe that one decision has changed everything.
Can’t you see that I’m happy? That I’m truly loved? And that this is not about you, its about me.
I’m listening to your words and am thinking the entire time how I can slay the dragon that is standing in the way of your view of me.

I need a chance.
I come with smiles and hugs and interest into your dramatic tales of love, adventure and mystery. But to you my story is an infomercial that you change the channel as soon as it arrives. You don’t want to know, you don’t want to try and you don’t want to invest.

I’m going to take a chance.
I’ve got one hell of a fairy tale. Cinderella has nothing on me.
So while you are waiting around to reconcile your story with mine, I’m in a far away land.
I’ve found my adventure, I’ve found my lady to fight for, and I’m living happily ever after.

I’m going to give you a chance.
It’s hard to see you suffer and wrestle with God.
I hope that one day that you will join me, that the spell that is ripping our hearts to shreds will be lifted.
I can’t try and save you anymore, its killing me and you.

When you are free, when you are ready, you know where to find me.

Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should

2009-05-20T15:07:00.002-05:00

Faithul readers,
Sorry to leave you hanging on the looming decision I wrote about in my last post.

I have come to a decision about my part on the leadership team. First of all I want to thank all of my community of saints that emailed, called, prayed and lifted Jessica and me up while we were mulling over all of the possible directions we could go. The last post that I submitted was an email that I had sent out to my ‘community of saints’. People who I look to for strength, hope and example. I was humbly blown over by the response.
Below are some snippets of the strength that they passed onto me:

“Love and light to you on this journey. Your intuition will never lead you astray. “

“My heart aches to know that this world is still filled with so much ignorance on this issue.”

“You have an opportunity here to make history and fulfill not only your dreams, but the dreams of others. Not everyone has the chance to make this big of an impact in the world. Think long and hard before you give it up. That being said, this is a big decision and it has the potential to really change you and Jessica's life.”

“You are held in so much love and support, you cannot fail! I'll pray you move forward with the humble confidence of knowing you are standing for justice, and you can't lose when that is the case.”

“It takes strength to stand up to an institution, even if we believe & KNOW that we are right and the institution is wrong. It's one thing to agree with Martin Luther King, Jr's statement: "The time is always right to do what is right."

“You have an army of family and friends who love, support and will back you no matter what. I know you'll do great things and I'm so proud of you!!”

“You have always been in our prayers and I don't doubt for a moment that you are called to ministry. What it looks like only God knows and will reveal to you in time.”

“Do not be afraid! He is with you always in all that you do, and your calling seems so strong I cannot imagine you failing in any way! I know God will show you and
Jessica the way and you have our unwavering support!!”

“Would you really want to keep so much about yourself quiet? Would it make you happy working within a church where people assumed you had a different sexual orientation than you do just because you are a pastor and pastors can't be homosexual (now)? I'll be honest and say I don't think you would be satisfied with it. I think that God will be able to use you so much more when you are able to speak openly about who you are, how you are God's beautiful, distinct creation, and what God has done in your life. It fills me with excitement to think about being able to fight for a fuller expression of God's love in the Church. I know that there is danger, but I also can only imagine how fulfilling it would be to one day say that you fought for the rights of others and won (As I truly believe the reconciling movement will with time). In short, I love you and support you in (and maybe even push you towards) this ministry, but I also understand how difficult it would be. If there is anything I can do to help let me know. Also, I know its a few years off, but when I can, you'll have my vote.”

“The fact of the matter is that we have some very ugly people in our churches. People are so afraid of this issue. People can say anything. And yet, the only way the church is ever going to change is for people to share their story, stand up and tell about the God who has called them and made them who they are, and work hard and painfully for change. It is going to take people like Harvey Milk to make it happen. If you feel called to it then I am not sure you can turn it down. God will keep calling.”

I’ve made my decision. I’ve enlisted.

"I’ve decided to be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power, to put on the full armor of God so that I can take my stand! My struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities. I am putting on the full armor of God so that I may be able to stand my ground. I will stand firm with the belt of truth buckled around my waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with my feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. With all of this, I will also take up the shield of faith, with which I can extinguish all the flaming arrows of those who will fight against me. I will put on the helmet of salvation and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. I will pray, in all occasions, in trials, in victories and in uncertainties. With this I will be aware and always continuing to pray for all of the saints fighting beside me.

Pray for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given to me so that I will be fearless and make known the unfathomable love of Jesus, for which I am an ambassador in chains.

Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should."
(My verison of Ephesians 6:10-20).

The Call

2009-04-30T12:23:00.001-05:00

I am calling on you all for prayer and help in discerning a unique and amazing opportunity that has come to Jessica and me. As many of you know I have felt a very strong call to ordained ministry since I was twelve and has continued to be the most real thing I have ever felt in my life. Since coming out as a lesbian, I have become more aware of my role as a pastor to be a voice for those who have been silenced, especially in the church. Jessica and I became involved in a group called “The Reconciling Ministries Network,” whose mission is to work for full participation for all persons within the United Methodist Church. This group is working very hard to gain equal rights within the church for people of all sexual orientations. A person on the national task force has asked Jessica and me to be representatives for the Southwest Texas Conference for this issue. We would be recruiting, educating others, and speaking with voting members of the General Conference to vote in favor of equal church rights. This would be a role that would require us to be very open, very public and very honest about our stories.

Currently there is very conflicting doctrine in the UM church in regards to homosexuality, (go here to read more http://archives.umc.org/interior.asp?ptid=1&mid=1324). There isn’t any clear doctrine that can keep an LGBT person from becoming a member of the church, but there also isn’t any clear doctrine that can stop a pastor from denying membership rights to an LGBT person. This is the issue we are currently trying to vote on by the next General Conference. The doctrine that speaks loudest to me is article 304.3 about clergy, the church will not ordain ‘self-avoid practicing homosexuals’. There are many UM clergy that have been denied their ordination, had their pastoral rights taken away, or have had to keep their personal lives hidden to keep this from happening.

I realize that being asked to do this is quite an honor and a unique opportunity that could really enrich my experience in ministry. However, by being public about my story of my call to ministry and the barriers that are in place because of my sexual orientation might bring more obstacles. By being very public with this effort, I fear that when my ordination comes around that it will be contested by someone and I will not be able to do what I feel God has been calling me to do. On the other hand, I feel called to fight this fight as well, I’m afraid that by being silent I’m not being true to the call to be a voice for those who have been silenced.

So what I’m asking you all for is your prayers for discernment, guidance, strength and peace. This decision feels HUGE, much bigger than me. I feel a lot like David holding a stone and a sling looking up at Goliath, shaking in his sandals. I feel a lot like Moses, doubtful of my abilities and gifts to lead when God is calling me to. I feel a lot like Jonah, afraid of the place God is calling me to go. Whatever I decide I know that God is with me and will use me and my gifts for ministry. I thank God for all of you and your continual support and love. It fills my heart with hope and joy to know that I have such a supportive community of saints in all of you.

Peace,

Britt

Things aren't always as they seem

2009-04-15T12:10:00.001-05:00

This blew me away!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

The Face of Christ

2009-04-03T09:06:00.002-05:00

I meant to write this post last weekend right after the reconciling service at FUMC Austin, but things have been quite busy. I had a grant report due and a huge meeting I had to lead on Monday and thankfully things have been slowing down since then, but they still have been busy.

There are only a handful of times that I have felt the genuine happiness that I experienced last Sunday night. Jessica and I had invited friends to attend First United Methodist’s reconciling worship service. I’ve written about the Reconciling Ministries on this blog before, but for first time reader sake here’s RMN 101. Currently there is not official church legislation that gives equal membership rights to LGBT persons, the Reconciling Ministries Network is a “movement of United Methodist individuals, congregations, campus ministries, and other groups working for the full participation of all people in the United Methodist Church.” (rmnetwork.org) It is their hope and vision that the UM church will be fully inclusive to LGBT persons and be true to the statement it professes that it exemplifies, “Open Hearts, Open Minds, Open Doors.” First UMC Austin created a worship service especially for this effort to mourn the hurt that the church has caused the LGBT community, to celebrate the success the movement has had, and to give us hope and encouragement in looking at the future.

I knew when we had decided to go to this service I didn’t want to go alone, I wanted to experience this with my community of saints. You see when Jessica and I came out, we were most worried about losing our friends in the Christian community. We thought they wouldn’t understand, that they wouldn’t be able to mix faith and our sexual orientation and eventually we would separate like oil and water. But to our surprise, they were the most inclusive and encouraging group we could have ever asked for. So when I heard about this service, I wanted them to experience this as well.

We entered the beautiful sanctuary at FUMC, a worship experience in itself by just being present in that space. We picked out a row near the front and filed in one by one. Each person had brought in their different story of experience with the church, but were there to support us and to witness something new. As the service began I put my arm around Jessica, something I have started to take for granted at the church we attend. I leaned over to her and whispered how proud I was to be in this place with her and how much I love her. I then looked down the row at my friends and it became overwhelming. It meant so much to me that they were all there, sitting in support of us. To have friends that might not completely understand your sexual orientation, but who are willing to learn and stand in support of you (well in our case sitting in a pew) makes you feel about 10 feet tall. Just because I'm a lesbian hasn't changed my friendship with them in any way, they haven't allowed that to happen. I am loved just the way I am.

To me they are mirroring God's love for us. That night I saw the face of God in each of my friends' faces. I know that the road ahead for me is going to a hard and long fight. Its going to be full of people who don't support me and my 'lifestyle', and will try and keep me from being ordained, having equal rights, and living the way I believe God created me to. But sitting in that pew with my brothers and sisters gave me a hope that I know will fuel me to continue living and becoming the person I believe God created me to be. This group represented so much to me last Sunday night and it became overwhelming for me to be a part of. I wanted those who have not been able to be fully supportive to see this beautiful picture of God's face.

Thank you friends for being the loving face of Christ.

On the Question of Gay Clergy

2009-03-26T09:52:00.001-05:00

I wanted to share a wonderful post about gay clergy with you all from the rm network blog I read. http://www.rmnblog.org/2009/03/standing-together-in-the-river.html

Wonderful post!

By Antony Hebblethwaite

I know the pain of exclusion from ministry because of my sexual orientation. I've seen the hurt written on the faces of United Methodist clergy who faithfully serve the church but need to keep themselves and their families hidden to survive in their careers. I wanted to mention this emotional landscape as I respond to "To Come Out or Not To Come Out" by expanding my comment to that post.

On Justice

As I think about justice for LGBTQ1 people in the sphere of clergy rights in The United Methodist Church, I see three justice statements:

* It is just for LGBTQ clergy to "come out", live authentically in the world and have a family.
* It is just for LGBTQ clergy to enter and sustain careers in the ministry in safety without the fear of loss because of their authenticity and/or family.
* It is just for congregations with LGBTQ clergy to be open and proud about the full personhood of their pastor without the fear of loss because of their pastor’s authenticity and/or family.

Paragraph 304.3 in the Book of Discipline, "Self-avowed practicing homosexuals are not to be certified as candidates, ordained as ministers, or appointed to serve in The United Methodist Church", is a comprehensive attack on the dignity of having a career, being authentic and nurturing a family.

On Privilege

United Methodist policy results in loss of privilege for LGBTQ people excluded from ministry for being authentic and/or having a family. United Methodist policy also results in loss of privilege for LGBTQ clergy and congregations excluded from full authenticity to survive in ministry together.

When the Oppressed Oppress the Oppressed

In this very, very painful scenario in our movement, we need to be careful not to privilege our oppressed social locations and oppress others. There is a temptation for "out" LGBTQ people to criticize pastors who need to stay in the closet to survive in their careers. There is a temptation for pastors in the closet to criticize those excluded from ministry for mishandling their careers by "coming out".

In the magnificent essay in Christian Century titled “Righteous Resistance and Martin Luther King, Jr.”, John Raines writes:
The corruption of powerlessness is that the oppressed may come to envy and seek to emulate the oppressor, dreaming of someday taking the oppressor’s place.

When this happens a terrible silence and isolation opens up among the powerless. Dreaming of becoming like the mighty, they fear and flee the wounds of their oppressed fellows, because those wounds remind them of their own degradation. The deepest and most devastating injury of oppression is that it produces mute suffering -- suffering that cannot even name its own situation, cannot cry out, cannot say how things really are, cannot protest.

Martin Luther King, Jr., knew that clarity alone can bring community among the oppressed. And clarity comes when the downtrodden protest their oppression in the name of their own dignity, deciding not to dream of becoming someone else, but to stand together with their own kind.

In our dreams of the full measure of justice, ministry together as fully authentic persons in The United Methodist Church, in what ways do we fear and flee the wounds of our oppressed fellows?

* When LGBTQ people excluded from ministry interact with LGBTQ clergy privileged by the Methodist institution, how are we reminded of our own degradation?
* When LGBTQ clergy interact with LGBTQ people privileged by full authenticity, how are we reminded of our own degradation?

How do the wounds of our social location cause us to fear and flee the wounds of our oppressed fellows?

Bearing One Another’s Burdens and Doing Justice

For LGBTQ people who have experienced the justice of “coming out” and living fully authentic lives, can we bear the burden of clergy who cannot have this full measure of justice? In a letter signed by 100 UMC clergy persons:

We serve our beloved United Methodist Church at great cost. We have experienced personally the church's power to harm as it rejects an elemental part of who we are. The UMC's official policy has pushed us, as well as our families, into closets of fear and isolation. We are not deceitful people, but the church has given us no choice. To deny God's calling in our lives would leave a void in the Body of Christ.

For LGBTQ people who have experienced the justice of being pastors, can we use our privilege to work for change in The United Methodist Church for those excluded from ordination and marriage? The danger for LGBTQ clergy (and the congregations that protect them) is that their closets of fear and isolation constrain them from doing appropriate levels of justice for their oppressed fellows. When that happens, LGBTQ clergy and their congregations sustain the most deep and devastating injury of oppression:
The deepest and most devastating injury of oppression is that it produces mute suffering -- suffering that cannot even name its own situation, cannot cry out, cannot say how things really are, cannot protest.

Christ calls us to bear one another's burdens with the moral clarity of the downtrodden, to protest our oppression in the name of our own dignity, the very dignity given to us as creatures made in God's image.

----------

1 Stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning and Queer.

Bureaucratic Brick Wall

2009-03-18T11:14:00.000-05:00

In the last month or two I’ve been in situations that have asked me to talk about my calling to ministry. In the past this would bring me great joy, it would put me back to the moments I was first aware of where God was leading me and I would feel those quiet moments of beckoning. Lately, it has been quite a different feeling. I’ve become frustrated and sad, well really mournful would be the correct terminology.
Currently I belong to a denomination that will not allow me to be ordained and to be a ‘self-avowed’ lesbian at the same time. Here’s what the book of discipline says, "While persons set apart by the Church for ordained ministry are subject to all the frailties of the human condition and the pressures of society, they are required to maintain the highest standards of holy living in the world. Since the practice of homosexuality is incompatible with Christian teaching, self-avowed practicing homosexuals* are not to be accepted as candidates, ordained as ministers, or appointed to serve in The United Methodist Church."
*Footnote -- " 'Self-avowed practicing homosexual' is understood to mean that a person openly acknowledges to a bishop, district superintendent, district committee of ordained ministry, board of ordained ministry, or clergy session that the person is a practicing homosexual."

I’m sorry, but I think my status would count me as ‘self-avowed practicing’. I live with my partner, I go to the grocery store hand-in-hand with my partner and one day I plan on making a life-time commitment to this partner. And when this happens I’m not going to keep her out of my life in ministry. So how am I supposed to get around this ‘self-avowed practicing’ bit? What happens when the bishop or district superintendent asks me before ordination? Do I lie, abstain from answering, or just throw it out there and hope that she or he will just let it roll over their backs? I’ve hit the bureaucratic wall, and I want to jump over it but I’m afraid they will throw me back over to where I started.

I know what I feel like is the right thing for me to do but I’m afraid I won’t get very far. I feel like after much prayer and reflection on my calling, I’m being called to continue, just as God created me. Not silently, not timidly, not wearing a mask. I’m to shake the rafters and advocate for change by being exactly who God created me to be, and that includes my sexual orientation, that includes Jessica.

Ministry means the world to me, and for me it’s a personal calling to the United Methodist Church. I could move on and go to another denomination who accepts me and wants me in their church. But I feel specifically called to this church that Wesley started. I have deep roots in this tradition, my theology is based off of the fluidity that this denomination provides and deep rooted heart for the poor and oppressed that we share with its founding members inspires me. To leave and go somewhere else is not an option for me.

So I’ve hit the bureaucratic brick wall and I don’t know how to continue going on. To tell you the truth I’m scared to go on. Its going to be an uphill battle no matter what. I hear God’s call, it’s getting louder and clearer every day, but the wall seems bigger and bigger the closer I get to it as well.

Fighting the Fury

2009-03-09T10:09:00.000-05:00

For about the last month now I've been having a lot of trouble controlling my anger.

It wells up inside of me so quickly and takes control of my every word and move. Its a demon wanting to explode through my skin and hurt others as bad as they have hurt me. Its a very physical anger, and many times has run my fist to a wall, a near by desk and once even through a plastic trashcan. I take it out on objects around me to release the power and strength behind the fury, I would rather hurt myself than the person I am upset with.

I've struggled with my out of control anger for quite some time now, and just when I think I have a hold on it and have wrestled it and defeated it, it comes back. It's so frustrating and so defeating when it returns. I've done very well in the last year and a half with not allowing myself to become physical when I become angry, I never want the people I care about to see that side of me, especially the relationship I am in now.

But it has been hard lately not becoming angry at the smallest things. I let the smallest, insignificant things allow me to become infuriated. When I come out of it, I wish I could go back and realize what I realize after coming out of it. This morning in the car ride to work I came to a realization that seems so simple and so easy: I can't control other people but I can control my reaction and myself.

In order to gain more control over my anger I need to have more control of myself. I'm allowing a monster to take over my life and the only way to defeat it is to never even let it in to begin with.

So this is my new mantra:
"I can't control other people but I can control my reactions and myself."

All Means All!

2009-03-02T10:18:00.002-06:00

This weekend Jessica and I attended the "All Means All: Called to Witness Campaign Training".

Earlier last month one of our pastors asked the both of us to be representatives from our church to this Reconciling Ministries campaign. Reconciling Ministries is a group of United Methodists whose mission it is to have equality in the Unite Methodist Church. When the Church states its mission, "Open Hearts, Open Minds, Open Doors," Reconciling Ministries wants them to stay true to their words.

So currently there is a large campaign to push through legislation that states that no person can be denied membership based on anything (but right now the big fight is sexual orientation).

At this training we met lots of other reps from other churches and areas of the conference, all of us ready to talk to delegates and voters for Annual Conference. During this training we were prompted to share our "stories". I didn't really realize I had a story to tell, I didn't think whatever I had to say about myself was interesting enough to move anyone to change legislation.

But before the morning was over I was up at the front of the room telling my story to about 40 people I had just met.

Here's the story I told:

I have been raised United Methodist, so I guess you could say being a fan of this church was "in the beginning for me." My parents took us to church because they thought that doing so would be good for us. They have always told us, ever since we were itty bitty, that we could do anything we wanted to, our options were endless, and to shut our ears to the ones who try to hold us back and silence us.

When I was in middle school my parents transferred me to a very conservative Christian school. Around the same time I felt this HEAVY call that I was destined to be a pastor. It was the most real feeling I've ever felt in my life and there was no denying it or silencing it. Little did we realize that curriculum and theological perspective at this school (which was one in the same) was limiting and confined women, and disregarded everything my parents had raised us to be and everything my call was calling me to be.

I was amped up, jazzed, excited about this new destiny for my life! I shared it with my friends and teachers, and their reactions always seemed strange to me. They asked if I was sure it wasn't to be a pastor's wife, or a children's minister. But I was sure. It escalated to friends and teachers calling me a sinner, telling me that my duty as a woman was not being fulfilled and that God was going to be angry with me.

I knew this wasn't right, I knew that the spiritual change that was going on inside of me was more real than any of their words or even the red and black letters they were hurling at me from Romans and Psalms. My parents continued to encourage me and tell me that I was able to do whatever I wanted to do and if I wanted to transfer I could, if I wanted to go to another school and get away from it all I could. But in my heart I knew I didn't, I couldn't be silenced.

A big part of this experience has fueled my passion to become a pastor. For me being a pastor is not to memorize scripture, preach it from the pulpit and to direct and instill guilt into a congregation of very human people. It is my duty to come down from the pulpit and hear all of the stories from everyone, not only in my congregation but out on the street, in the house next to mine, behind me in the grocery store. It is my duty to hear them and speak for them, to be their voice when they are being silenced.

I know this feeling. When the voices of the majority are much louder than your own and take it upon themselves to silence you. As it stands in the UM church right now, I will probably not be able to be a pastor in my church that I so love. There is legislation that says that because I am gay I cannot preach, teach, and be called Rev. They are making me feel like I am forced to choose between my calling and being open in my sexuality. Which is more important to me? I cannot choose! To me they are so connected, they are so tied. I know God has equipped me for ministry in this church, and I refuse to be silenced!

I know this fight will take a long time. We are only currently focusing on membership rights, among many things outside of the church. So I know my personal issue will take some time, but I'm willing to wait until all truly does mean all!

Gund Bear

2009-02-16T10:12:00.002-06:00

I was a pretty imaginative child. I created other worlds in which my legos, stuffed animals and bike would come to life! I created castles and magical worlds where anything could happen, and everything did. I fought lions, and dragons, saved damsel’s in distress on my trusty steed lightning. I created dream houses with my legos where money was never a problem and toppled over towers could always be fixed. And my best buddy Gund Bear and I would see all of the world in our ship, (a rounded back chair that was placed on its side so I could rock like a real ship).

Gund Bear was my best friend and in many respects still is. I know this is quite confessional of me, but when I feel upset, sick, or angry he’s who I still run to. I just want to go lay in bed and hold my childhood bear. He’s been through it all with me, we’ve traveled the world together, seen changes in each other and still have remained buddies through it all. I know that it sounds quite ridiculous that I’m talking about a bear, but it’s the idea of this other friend that I created for myself when I was a child that still remains with me today, and for that friend I am grateful. I learned how to communicate my feelings with him, how to share, how to be loyal and how to imagine. In him I found a good listener, loyalty, an adventure and always a nice soft hug.
I know it’s a bit odd that when I look back on my childhood and think about my closest friends I think of a bear, but I know I would be a totally different person if the little brown bear hadn’t come into my life.

I'm getting better!

2009-02-09T10:48:00.002-06:00

So our salsa class is going well!

Last night I felt like I did a lot better with the things I've been working on.
1. Confidence
2. Fluidity
3. Having fun!

I'm a very insecure person, it's taken me awhile to admit that about myself. So learning the leader part in dance class has been a challenge for me. You HAVE TO BE CONFIDENT! It is the success of the dance! So last night I told myself that I was just going to have confidence and act like I knew what I was doing and it worked!

I'm also a very rigid dancer. I'm a white, female version of the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz, and I haven't found my oil can yet. The lower half of my body doesn't bend, and sway like the majority of dancers out there, it just doesn't do it on its own. So I have been working on getting those joints moving to the beat!

Along with the confidence factor the fun factor is very closely tied. In order for me to have fun I have to feel confident that I'm doing well, otherwise, I'm too distracted to have fun. Last night was great, I danced with each partner and tried to make conversation with them while we were dancing. It was nice and I think each of them had a nice time!

I even had one lady tell me to "Work your magic britt!" :) I guess I'm turning into a salsa afficianado! Slowly but surely!

You are all welcome to join us for our Salsa Night Out this Friday night at Copa in Austin! We'll be arriving at 8:30 for the free lesson!

Working out some thoughts

2009-02-02T11:02:00.002-06:00

I belong to two different groups that meet weekly and something interesting happened in both groups this week.

Both sets of groups are made up of older women, ranging from about 10 years older than Jessica and myself to about 40 years older. It makes for interesting experiences and conversation that's for sure. But something rubbed me the wrong way this week:

At both events the women remarked to Jessica and me about how much harder they had it coming out with their sexual orientation than we did. They said things like, "You guys are just too young to realize how hard it is." "At least you aren't fearing that you are going to be arrested when you are in a club." "Well when we were growing up it was much harder than you have it because there wasn't a gay community."

I don't want to diminish the experience that these women had growing up, becoming aware of their identity, and coming out. Yes, the ones that came before me helped pave the way for me to be out and be myself. Yes, it must have been very hard not having much of a community to have support, it must have been hard to be in fear of being arrested, beaten or killed. I will never diminish and make light of the history that has given me the few freedoms that I have as a gay woman today.

But after these comments I still put up a guard. I felt like my experience and battles that I have gone through were diminished by these women, like they weren't as fiercely fought. I felt like they made an assumption about what my coming out experience has been like for me and they then took that assumption and compared it to their own and threw it back at me to let me know that my life would never be as hard as they have had it. And many times, yes they have had it harder than I have. But please don't diminish my experience before you get to know me and my story. And please don't assume that I wouldn't want to listen and learn from all of the battles that you have been through.

I feel confused and bad feeling this way. Is their hostility directed towards me? Is it directed towards this country that has made it this hard for us all to live as equals? Should I just take what they say with a grain of salt, realizing that I will never have it as hard as they do, learning from their history and their personal struggles? Should I stand up for myself and give them understanding that my experience has been hard too? Is this not even about them and what they are saying, but about me and where my reaction is coming from?

Its kind of funny, it's almost easier talking about my identity as a gay woman with straight people than it is with other LGBTQ people. I guess maybe when I speak to straight individuals I can have much of the same power that those women had over me. HMMM Epiphany. I must be in much of the same position of power.

I guess the moral of my story is: get to know someone and realize that their experience and hardships with life are relative. Don't diminish their trials and battles, and don't assume that they aren't grateful and feel blessed for the one's that came before them to make the load a bit lighter.

Thoughts anyone?

I remember why I hated Middle School!

2009-01-28T14:07:00.003-06:00

Today was my first day leading groups at a Pflugerville middle school. And oh.... my... word.... I thought I had blocked it completely from my mind, but I now remember why I hated middle school.

For Real.

I have 3 groups of 6th, 7th and 8th grade girls from 8:00 am to 11:00 am. The age range with the most drama, the most hormones, and the most attitude. 3 things that I have no patience with. I think that this semester will truly test my patience and strengthen my character, or it will kill me. :o

Middle school was awkward for me. I was smaller than everyone, kind of nerdy (although I wasn't that great of a student), and everyone seemed to either use me or pick on me. My 'friends' used to catch me right after carpool and tie my shoelaces to the handicap parking sign around the corner from the gym. This would cause me to be late to athletics. They would also deem random days "Pick on Britt Days." This would entail lots of tickling, lots of snapping of bra straps in class, and lots of teasing when a cute high school boy would walk into history so my face would turn red. Thank God I didn't come out in middle school! I really would have gotten it.

So when I come into my new middle school I think I still carry some fear, not to mention they all look like college students in middle school now, and have experienced just as much sometimes. I couldn't seem to find the right middle ground to meet them, and it frustrated me. I hope to really make an impact on this group. I want to help them to learn what a healthy relationship looks like and that they should only expect and accept the best. They deserve to be treated like queens and respected like dignitaries by men.

Its going to be a really tough semester. I'm nervous and fearful, but hopefully courage and confidence will come soon. Otherwise they are going to walk all over me!

Dancing with the stars here we come!

2009-01-13T16:21:00.002-06:00

So I'm really excited!

Jessica and I have joined a salsa class!! Its a same sex partner friendly class, which has its good qualities and its bad qualities.

Good Qualities:
1) They are promoting equality and open mindedness.
2) We get to meet people who are similar to us.
3) I have the best dancing partner out the entire class.

Bad Qualities:
1) This is my first time leading. I'm not that great yet, so there is a lot of stopping to find the beat.
2) We are the youngest couple in the class by far. I danced with a lady who was my grandmother's age and she was giving me googly eyes.
3) There are lots of ladies who are just as bad at following as I am at leading so my toes hurt.

I'm just kidding about the bad qualities, the class is a blast! I'm so excited that we are doing this together and its fun to learn. I did this class because Jessica is the such a wonderful dancer, its hard to keep up with her and to muster up enough courage to even ask her to dance :) So I wanted to get better at partner dancing so when we go out on the town I don't look like a complete fool with her.

Now this lack of skill in dance isn't all my fault. I mean I've got all the parts to shake my money maker. Believe me, I've got the hips, the butt and the big feet. I attribute it to few different things.

1. I was a tomboy as a kid. We had community dances when I was in elementary school but I was soooo not interested when I was that age. I went to play basketball with the boys and to down as much free sugar as I could.

2. My middle school and high school years were filled with a total of 2 dances! We weren't allowed to have dancing at my school, its a grand sin supposedly. Huh, who knew that when David danced God was frowning. So much of this is due to what I like to call "The Tin Man Syndrome". My dancin parts haven't had any practice, the oil can hasn't seen them as much as it should have.

3. I lack rhythm. Now this is my fault. For some reason I hear different beats and sounds that are not in the song being played. It's like I'm moving to a completely different tune.

Do these things stop me from shakin my groove thang tho? Heck No! I looove to dance! You thought Ellen DeGeneres was the only white girl loved to dance that much... Well you've met her match! I love it! I love it! I love it! Often I'll break out in many of a Target, Kohl's, or dentist office. I don't even need a song, many times I'll just ask Jess to dance when there is no music playing. I can't stop myself!

An Open Letter to Our Oppressors

2008-12-29T11:39:00.001-06:00

I follow an amazing blog rmnblog.org. And today's post was especially moving to me. Thought I would share.

In light of the passage of Proposition 8 with the denial and removal of rights for gay and lesbian couples, and the other anti-gay ballot measures recently passed, the inclusion of Rick Warren in the upcoming US presidential inauguration festivities, and recent anti-gay comments by the Pope (along with may many other previous anti-gay statements), I wish to write an open letter to my oppressors, many of them fellow Christians.

Dear Oppressors,

Yes, I hear you. I am not deaf to your messages. To the Holy Father in Rome, Reverend Rick Warren in California, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, the many supporters of Prop 8, Focus on the Family, Exodus International, and so many others who publicly speak out against LGBT people and our rights, I hear you loud and clear. No matter how you sugarcoat it and wrap it up with smiles and scripture and say that you are nothing like the extremist, Fred Phelps, I hear your message loud and clear telling me that I am inferior and unwanted in your world. These are not your words, but all the same this is the message you communicate.

I hear you insist time and time again in multiple ways that heterosexuals are superior to gays and lesbians. Your marriages, your homes, your “lifestyles” are normal, but mine? Not so much. I hear you declare that I am not capable of producing anything good or beneficial other than some window treatments or a decent hair style. In essence I hear you say that I am a worthless piece of shit and the cause of untold woes and problems, the harbinger of even worst things to come.

Some of your best friends may be gay, and you may profess that you really love the homosexual, but all the while your words and aggressively anti-gay activism consistently serve to dehumanize me–to present me and my kind as oversexed, deformed animals.

You remain steadfast in your opposition to the full inclusion of LGBT people in the life of the church. You oppose, limit and even remove rights in order to keep us unequal and legally inferior. You spend exorbitant amounts of money and time telling lies about us while expending so little energy actually getting to know us. You deal with theories, not reality. And you are wrong, dead wrong.

You treat us as an inconvenient and unwanted Christmas gift that you desperately wish to exchange for something better. You belittle our love, our families, our faith, our morals, our very lives while all the time you claim to speak the truth in love. This is not love. This is fear. It is control and oppression, and it is the rejection of God’s gifts to the church, society and in some cases to your very families.

I know all about rejecting this gift. I did it for years as I repented daily of the same-sex attractions and gender differences I found inside me. I demonized my sexuality and believed no good could come of my gay orientation. I proceeded to return this gift as I bullied God for something else–I coveted my straight neighbor’s life believing the propaganda that his was the idealized norm to follow instead of trusting God for the life I had been given.

In the midst of all that I experienced grace and tenderness from God, extreme patience, kindness ultimately leading to a deeper repentance, one based in Light and reality, a repentance that recognizes that a gay orientation and gender differences came to me as an astonishing gift of power and beauty.

I confess I do not possess the same patience and understanding as God. Your words, your bully tactics, your unbridled and arrogant superiority sicken me. I struggle to love you or call you brother. Yet I remember the years that I persecuted myself and others, the dread of change that ruled my life and my narrow faith, and the need to contain everything in simple boxes with no unanswered questions or gray areas.

I may be a peace-loving Quaker and a Christian, but that doesn’t mean I am going to avoid confrontation or assume we can all just hold hands and overlook our differences. To do so would be to support your oppression and enable you to continue in it with my permission. I point out to you what you may be unwilling or unable to see. You stand as oppressors, bullies, abusers imposing your sexuality and religious views on others. Are your hearts evil and full of bad intentions? I cannot say. I do not speak of your hearts but of your actions and your words.

In spite of the opposition and the oppression, we will thrive. Transgender people, lesbians, bisexuals, and gays will have our families, our faith, our places in our communities. We will walk hand in hand with our partners without apology and without shame. We will enjoy our sexual lives as a expression of our love and as a conduit of pleasure–pure and simple. We will not go away or heed your flawed and uninformed message.

And perhaps one day you will come to your senses. Perhaps you will see with clearer eyes. Perhaps you too will repent of your bullying and the rejection of the gifts among you. Regardless, we will not back down, and we will continue to live our lives with dignity.

Peter Toscano

Grace upon Grace

2008-12-23T12:40:00.000-06:00

John 1:1-18
"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things came into being through him, and without him not one thing came into being. What has come into being in him was life, and the life was the light of all people. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it.
There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. He came as a witness to testify to the light, so that all might believe through him. He himself was not the light, but he came to testify to the light. The true light, which enlightens everyone, was coming into the world.
He was in the world, and the world came into being through him; yet the world did not know him. He came to what was his own, and his own people did not accept him. But to all who received him, who believed in his name, he gave power to become children of God, who were born, not of blood or of the will of the flesh or of the will of man, but of God.
And the Word became flesh and lived among us, and we have seen his glory, the glory as of a father's only son, full of grace and truth. (John testified to him and cried out, "This was he of whom I said, He who comes after me ranks ahead of me because he was before me.' ") From his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. The law indeed was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God. It is God the only Son, who is close to the Father's heart, who has made him known."

Not your typical Christmas story huh? This really isn’t the picturesque nativity epic or Christmas pageant we see children perform every year. There aren’t any wise men, sheep or shepherds. There isn’t a pregnant virgin, a worried husband, or a donkey treading through the streets of Bethlehem looking for a room. And most obviously, there is no baby Jesus recently brought into the world laying in a manger, asleep on the hay.

This story is about God choosing to become flesh among us, to come to us on our level. Here this story of Jesus shows us that the point wasn’t the manger, it wasn’t the wise men’s gifts, or even the miraculous virgin birth. The point is not the human yet divine way that Jesus came into contact with our world, but that God sent himself to change our world.

At the beginning of John the author gives us a quick summary of creation. “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things came into being through him, and without him not one thing came into being. What has come into being in him was life, and the life was the light of all people”(v.1-4) This not only serves to us as a reminder that we are God’s creation but shifts our view to the living Christ, the living, breathing, out of the cattle stall Christ. And very quickly, the author brings us to John the Baptist to direct us to the purpose. “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it. There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. He came as a witness to testify to the light, so that all might believe through him. He himself was not the light, but he came to testify to the light. The true light, which enlightens everyone, was coming into the world” (v.5-8).

A new light has come, an enlightenment that God has breathed into a man to show us our potential. I have said it before on this blog and I will say it again. I believe that the reason that God came to us in Christ was not to offer us a new box to try and fit ourselves into, to wrap up nicely with a pretty red bow. Christ came to break the mold. Jesus didn’t stay in the stable for very long because there wasn’t enough room for what he was about to do.

The church at the time of Jesus was different than what we know sitting in our pews on Sunday mornings today. It had been a way for people to connect to God through tradition, temple, laws, and gave a model for how Jews should think, talk, act and live. Hmm, wait… I guess it doesn’t sound so different than some of the churches we attend. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a tradition type of girl. I like my liturgy and my prewritten prayers, I like the movement and the ease of it all. But its an easy box to keep yourself in if you’re not careful. It’s easy to get set in your ways and to continue forcing yourself into a set of beliefs that spoon feeds you, gives you a step by step program to live your life, and never question or wrestle with any of it.

Jesus didn’t come to reinforce the law, or even to bring a new conformity. I know this could be argued, its kind of a controversial thought to think. But I don’t think Jesus strayed away from controversy. Because look at the purpose of Jesus that the author of John gives us starting in verse 14: “And the Word became flesh and lived among us, and we have seen his glory, the glory as of a father's only son, full of grace and truth. (John testified to him and cried out, "This was he of whom I said, 'He who comes after me ranks ahead of me because he was before me.’ ") From his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. The law indeed was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God. It is God the only Son, who is close to the Father's heart, who has made him known.”

Wait… What was that? “From his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace?” (v. 16). We have ALL received. This is the purpose, this is the meaning of Jesus, this is the reason. Jesus came to enlighten us to the gift, not given to us in the manger but the gift given to us through grace of God and shown to us on the cross.

Yeah I know this is mind boggling, its scandalous, and its tough to wrap your brain around. But I believe that God came into flesh to show us that he is meeting us where we are. And that it is at this place, just as we are, that we meet Jesus. The living, the breathing, out of the manger Christ. If we come to Jesus this Christmas just as we are, just as we were created to be, the potential is life changing, its freeing.

Or wait… even greater: what if we came to others just as they are, just as they were created to be, with the love and the grace that Jesus showed us is not only possible, but has been given for us all? It’s freeing, the potential is life changing, its its mind boggling, scandalous, its tough to wrap our brains around, its grace upon grace.

Shout out to Liz Brown!

2008-12-23T08:48:00.001-06:00

Hey Liz Brown!
This is your shout out!
Thanks for reading my blog! A little Jessica bird told me!

Words are Windows (or They're Walls)

2008-12-19T09:53:00.002-06:00

I feel so sentenced by your words,
I feel so judged and sent away,
Before I go I've got to know,
Is that what you mean to say?

Before I rise to my defense,
Before I speak in hurt or fear,
Before I build that wall of words,
Tell me, did I really hear?

Words are windows, or they're walls,
They sentence us, or set us free.
When I speak and when I hear,
Let the love light shine through me.

There are things I need to say,
Things that means o much to me,
If my words don't make me clear,
Will you help me to be free?

If I seemed to put you down,
If you felt I didn't care,
Try to listen through my words,
To the feelings that we share.

-Ruth Bebermeyer-

The Complexity of Connection

2008-12-18T12:02:00.002-06:00

So I'm reading, well rereading this book called, "The Complexity of Connection". It's a collection of writings from the Sone Center's Jean Baker Miller Training Institute. My therapist recommended it to me when I was going through similar feelings that my last post described earlier this year.

The book is basically presenting this Relational-Cultural Theory (RCT). This idea suggests that all growth occurs in connection and that all people yearn for connection, and that growth-fostering relationships are created through mutual empathy and mutual empowerment.

At the beginning of the book Miller describes five good things that make up a growth-fostering relationship: 1) increased zest (vitality), 2) increased ability to take action (empowerment) 3) increased clarity (a clearer picture of one's self, the other, and the relationship), 4) increased sense of worth, and 5) a desire for relationships beyond that particular relationship. "These five good things describe the outcomes of growth-fostering relationships, that is, the outcomes when growth occurs through mutual empowerment and mutual empathy; we grow not toward separation, but toward greater mutuality and empathic possibility."

Today I was reading the section on "Relational Competence". And I realized I'm not very competent when it comes to relationships, at least in this model. "The capacity to move another person, to effect a change in a relationship, or effect the well-being of all participants in the relationship might be called relational competence." (15). But another way that Baker talks about relational competence is the ability to participate in a growth-fostering relationship, to move someone, to be in touch with our feelings and our own hearts that we touch the hearts of others and both people are able to grow.

Here's what it involves:
1. Movement toward mutuality and mutual empathy (caring and learning flows both ways), where empathy expands for bot self and other.
2. The development of anticipatory empathy, noticing and caring about our impact on others.
3. Being open to being influenced.
4. Enjoying relational curiosity.
5. Experiencing vulnerability as inevitable and a place of potential growth rather than danger.
6. Creating good connection rather than exercising power over others as the path of growth.

So after all of those big words... Here's my assumption of it all...
I (as an individual) don't foster growth-fostering relationships. I've been hurt before, I've been put in situations where now everything in my body and my heart tells me to protect myself from future hurt. But I want a healthy relationship, I want to be able to create something wonderful outside of myself with someone else who wants the same thing. And most especially now with this wonderful person in my life, I want to make this work more than any other, and I refuse for this to end because of something that I could have worked on or improved on.

To do this I'm going to make my individual focus on the 6 signs of relational competence. And my relationship focus on the 5 signs of a growth-fostering relationship. But I think before I slice off more than I can chew I will work on myself first and see how it goes working with someone else. Who knows maybe the work I do on myself will spill over and automatically revamp my relationships across the board. At least that's what I'm hoping for.

So I've identified what I'm going to try doing but I know I have to have a plan of action for each of those steps. So more to come on that I suppose. I already know I'm going to have a hard time with number 5(vulnerability) and 6(exercising power).
I've got to do it right this time! I've got to change how I interact in this world. It's becoming exhausting.

Why Can't I be NORMAL?!!??!

2008-12-17T14:34:00.001-06:00

This was my cry last night. Literally… I was crying this.

I’ve become pretty aware of myself lately, about what I do when I feel hurt, when I feel backed into a corner, and especially when I feel abandoned or the threat of being abandoned. I don’t know why, where it comes from, or if I can even change it, but I always, always, ALWAYS hurt the people I love the most. If I feel that you are going to hurt me, or even just the chance that you might in the future, I’m going to do everything possible to make you feel hurt before me.

Now mind you, being aware of this doesn’t stop me from doing it. Which makes it even more terrible. I’ve got this amazing girl friend, she’s my best friend, she creates in me a spirit that I have never felt or known, she amazes me with her love and the life that she lives that I am just honored to be a part of it. But I crush her, I hurt her, I get angry at the tiniest things that in the big scheme of things don’t matter. I don’t love her like she deserves to be loved. She deserves the world’s best girl, she deserves the world, she at least deserves respect, and for some reason its really hard for me to give that to her.

Its not just her, its everyone. My family, friends, lovers, coworkers. I’ve learned to keep people at a distance because I am aware of my temper and my way of working in this world. I don’t want you to get too close because I know you will eventually hurt me and so I’m not going to let you do that unless you can convince me it’s a good idea.

I take everything to be so personal and read into the smallest detail. It sucks. I just want to be normal! I just want to be able to go through life without analyzing someone’s motives and actions. I just want to be able to live life differently than this!

I’m really trying to work on it, but I’m so frustrated at trying that its starting to convince me that this is just who I am, and to me that sucks. I don’t want this to be who I am, because eventually I will be a lonely person with no friends, no family and no lover because I will have run them off. But I’m not giving up, I’m going to keep trying no matter how weary I feel. I feel like that’s the only thing I can do right now, I don’t want to lose her because I didn’t try.

So far my plan of attack is to slow down my outlook on life. I’m going to try and start my day off with meditating/praying/checking out, whatever you call it. I think if I get my mind set and my heart set on track at the beginning of the day hopefully it will help. I’m also going to start journaling more to get my thoughts, frustrations, ideas out without hurting others. So far those are my only ideas, so if you’ve got any suggestions I’d love to hear them.

Advent Conspiracy

2008-12-10T11:59:00.001-06:00

A Service of Communion for Advent

2008-12-08T15:56:00.002-06:00

This was our service of communion on Sunday.
I thought these words were so beautiful and timely.
It was nice to be able to get out of the routine of saying the normal UMC liturgy.

My pastor Sid at Trinity UMC and Christine Kraemer wrote this.

Let me know your thoughts on the words.

Call to Communion

Leader: Advent is the season of the longest night, the Solstice. We watch, we stir a little in anxiety; under the cover of darkness we await the rebirth of the sun, which after its long period of waning will begin to wax again. Though we shiver with the cold of winter, we rest easy in the knowledge that the light will return. We meet today to share a ritual of hope and peace, in Jesus Christ.

The Great Thanksgiving
Leader: The Creator is with us!

All: We open our hearts to God's Spirit. We rejoice to give thanks to our God.

Leader: Holy One, throughout the turn of the seasons you remain steadfast. In the depths of our suffering, you suffer with us; in the heights of our joy, you share in our pleasure. Creator of earth, air, fire, and water, we celebrate the creation that is your body. In the faces of those around us0 and in this season we especially look into the face of the stranger, who often has no place in the inn- in our own faces in the mirror, and in all living creatures, we see your face. By your power and presence, you transform us; we become prophets and makers of justice, bearers of your message of truth and beauty to all the world. And so, with all Being, we raise our voices in your praise:

All: Holy, Holy, Holy One, Source of Life and Love, all that is blazes with your glory. Your light breaks into the darkness, and darkness is as light to you.

Leader: Blessed are you, and blessed is the Child of Humanity, called Jesus, who came amongst us to proclaim liberation and wholeness. Jesus came to break all bonds, to shatter the chains of oppression that hold us in captivity; he healed the sick, gave food to the poor, and ate with those that society rejected to show that God's table is open to all. Through his suffering, death and resurrection he proclaimed the victory of love over death. O God, by your power of compassion and justice you gave birth to a new community to embody the continuing presence of Christ in the world. When we break the bread and share the cup, we do so to remember Jesus Christ, and to affirm that your acceptance is poured out for all.

Words of Institution

Leader: The seasons turn and the earth is chill and hard. the sun shines wanly in the sky, and we anxiously await the rebirth of the light. We take this meal, and remember the promise of transformation:

All: That which waxes must also wane; Christ has died. But that which wanes shall also wax again: Christ is risen and shall return!

Leader: Holy One, let your spirit well up in us and in these gifts of bread and wine. Together we pray in the words of St. Teresa of Avila:

All: Christ has no body now on earth but ours;
No hands but ours. Ours are the eyes
Through which Christ's compassion to the world looks out;
Ours are the feet with which Christ goes about doing good;
Ours are the hands with which Christ blesses now.

Sharing of the Bread and Cup

Prayer after communion
Leader: Mother God, we call to you out of winter.
All: The light is coming! The sun will be reborn!
Leader: Father God, we call to you out of stillness.
All: The light is coming! The sun will be reborn!
Leader: Creator God, we call to you with desperate hope.
All: The light is coming! The sun will be reborn!
Leader: O Holy One, we greet your Sun with gladness;
with how much more joy shall we greet you Child!
We come before you as your people of hope and peace.
All: Alleluia! Amen.

New Bike Blog!

2008-11-24T13:48:00.002-06:00

Hello All!

Jessica and I are riding in the Hill Country Ride for AIDS this April.
It's a 50 mile bike ride through the Texas Hill Country to raise funds
and awareness for those living with HIV/AIDS. We have made a personal
goal of 50 miles and 1,000 dollars. With your help we know we can
surpass this goal! Imagine not being sure if you were going to have
enough food, or medical care, or imagine being sick and not having any
family to help take care of you. The agencies supported by this Ride
provide all of these services and more to those living with HIV/AIDS.

We have started our blog and would love it if you all would keep up with us!

teambritica.blogspot.com

We'll keep you updated with pictures, our fund raising, and help
spread awareness through this blog. Please feel free to forward this
onto any friends or family!

Happy Trails,

Britt

A great weekend at home

2008-11-19T16:28:00.001-06:00

This past weekend I went home to spend some time with my family. My sister was also filming a documentary on marriage, more specifically the social structure around it and the pressure that young college students feel to get married at such an early age. I was really honored that she asked to interview me. I knew when she asked me that it would be hard for me to do, and also thought it might be even harder for her to interview me and hear things that we haven’t really talked about since I decided to break off the engagement.

My family isn’t very used to talking about things in an open and honest way. I mean we do it, but there are some things that we just don’t dig deep. Last summer is one of them. When it actually happened I talked to my parents about it all, but my sisters and I didn’t really have a format or a way to be able to discuss it. So we just didn’t. I was hurt, scared, ashamed, I’m sure they felt similar.

So to be able to say so many things and to really spill my feelings and my experience with my sister there, asking the questions was really powerful and moving. On many occasions I cried, and became overwhelmed with emotion. She asked a few questions about my parents and that’s when I really got emotional. I’ve talked before about the disappointment that I felt I caused my family, and the failure I felt I was not fulfilling their dream for me. I still struggle with that, feeling as if I have failed them.
It wasn’t anything that they put on me or forced me to feel, I put those expectations upon myself.

Being a part of the documentary made me really proud of Emme, she asked really wonderful questions that weren’t too abrasive but they pulled information out of me that was valid and truthful, I wouldn’t have been able to do that if I hadn’t have felt safe. She’s really doing such a wonderful job and I can’t wait to see the film!

After the filming we went to my dad’s new restaurant called Coast. It’s in Plano at the Shops at Legacy. My dad has been out of the restaurant business for about 7 years, but he wasn’t rusty at all. He pulled out all the stops and the tricks. The place is gorgeous, and piece of art to just sit in. And the cuisine is amazing. I think that even if you don’t know much about fine dining, that you would be able to tell that what they are doing with seafood at Coast is awesome! I was really proud of what my dad created, he looked so happy like this was what was meant for him.

Sunday my mom and I hung around town. We went shopping and out to lunch. We had some really good conversation and had a fun time together. I really enjoy her company and was really sad to come back to Georgetown because I wanted to have some more time with her. But Thanksgiving is approaching soon!!!

The Best Weekend of the Fall

2008-11-12T10:21:00.002-06:00

This past weekend was probably the best weekend of the season!

It was homecoming weekend at Southwestern and the girls came back in town! Kat and Liz came to visit for the weekend and we had a fantastic time!

Thursday night we picked Kat up from the airport and right away painted the town red! We went to eat at Katz Deli, yummy! Then we headed down the way to our favorite gay club RAIN! By far the best dancing, the best music, good drinks, but not so hot amateur strip night. YUCK! Little 18 year olds thinking that their whitey tighties look better when they are droppin it like its hot, guess its not my thing. We got back at 4 am, oh my word! Then Alan, Jessica and I had to be at work in the morning. TERRIBLE! I will never stay out that late and then go to work the next day ever again.

So went to work Friday, then came back and went to dinner with the crew. Dos Salsas, doing it right. Then we went to Leigh's and played Kings Cup, I really just watched, and it was quite a sight to see.

Saturday we did all the homecoming festivities. Parade in the morning! My Phi Lambs looked so cute, and I was soo proud to pass the torch to my girl Anna Gale! She did such a great job. BBQ was awesome, I was stuffed from Monument bfast, but I couldn't pass up bbq. We then went to the LGBTA alumni meet and greet and then made our way over to the phi lamb alumni reception. Which was absolutely lovely! I got to see lots of old friends, lots of ones I still have, and celebrate sisterhood. I'm so proud of these girls. They have got a really awesome new chapter room and they are doing some really amazing things in the community and on campus, I'm just very proud.

Liz came in town around this time and it was sooo good to see her. Even though it was such a short trip and I'm sad I didn't get to spend some 1 on 1 time with her, its a boost of energy I need. She knows me better than anyone and its always a treat to spend time with her.

I spoke at the reception about how much like a family those girls have been and are to me. When I came out I didn't think Phi Lambs would be the most supportive group, or supportive at all. Phi Lambs has never changed because I've changed. Even if some of them didn't agree with my life, didn't agree with who I am, they never treated me any differently or didn't love me any less. They kept me in their life and accepted the part about me and the new love in my life. I love them.

Saturday night we went to the alumni hospitality house for a while. I saw an old professor who said, "BRITT!! I told you not to get married didn't I?!?! You look so happy now!" I love it! Then we went to SING! The Phi Lambs and Kappa Chi's did great! They got 3rd (even though I feel they should have received 1st) best theme development, and people's choice (which in my mind is 1st place!). We then went to the Alumni Hospitality house again and had a blast! We saw old friends and danced the end of the night away!

Sunday we went to church, had an amaaaazing dinner of braised short ribs, mashed taters, green beans, and deep dish cherry pie. Oh, and I shouldn't forget the wine. We played this new game emily taught us and I think its my new favorite card game!

That was it! Sounds like a simple weekend, but it was sooo much fun and so good to see my girls. Now I'm off to a conference! WOO HOO!

First Hospital Accompaniment

2008-10-31T14:58:00.001-05:00

Today has been really draining.

I had my first hospital sexual assault accompaniment today.
Big words mean- I’m an advocate for victims of sexual assault. I am whatever type of support for a victim of sexual assault when they are having a forensic exam in the hospital.

Today was my first, and very memorable.

I’m rattled and shaken, and will always have her face and the face of her son imprinted on my brain. But I remained calm and in the moment with her, trying to be what she needed for me to be at that time and giving her resources and information for me to be anything else in the times ahead.

While I sat there in the hospital room across from her I couldn’t help but think that she and I would probably be friends in another situation. But the situation that she was in, the job that I’m in, automatically put me in a position to advocate for her. I was fairly uncomfortable for a while, realizing that if I was in the bed with a gown draped around my shocked and shaken body, with all of these people around me trying to do the best at their jobs, I would just feel like they thought they were better than me, so ashamed, so numb. Many survivors do feel this way, they blame themselves, they claim they deserved it, they feel like its something within them that caused this to happen.

It was hard watching the nurse rush around her trying to gather all bits of evidence for forensics to charge against her partner. It was uncomfortable to watch the victim advocate from law enforcement pull out all of her testimony about the occurrence that had taken place not 24 hours earlier. I watched my fellow advocate that I was shadowing, give her a net of support through different options and agencies that could offer her help during the days to come. All of these people were doing wonderful things, but I felt uncomfortable because I felt that something was missing, someone to be there to just empathize with her, to talk to her like she’s a person, not a patient, a victim or a survivor.

I wanted to just reach out to her and hold her hand. Talk to her about her life, ask her what she likes to do in her spare time. I wanted to build a friendship with her, because the lack of family and friends there supporting her. I wanted to know that when she walked out the hospital door that she was going to be okay. I guess that’s why I feel so conflicted with being a ‘professional’ in crisis situations. I know that by remaining professional, there will be some distance, and in distance comes the ability to separate yourself at the end of the day from the trauma that you have been a part of, but also it sometimes keeps us so far from what the survivor might need us to be.

I know I’m assuming that she wanted a friend, that she wanted someone to be her family, the professional distance might have been protection for her. This is my bleeding heart spilling out, knowing what’s best for all victims… yeah right. This is going to take some getting used to, hiding my bleeding heart.

Insert Eye of the Tiger Here

2008-10-25T11:21:00.003-05:00

I always have bad luck when it comes to finding out about cool events.
Last year I was reading the Austin Chronicle and saw that the Hill Country Ride for AIDS was happening that weekend. I love riding my bike, didn't have anything to do that weekend and really want there to be a cure for AIDS. Then I looked to the bottom of the page and saw that it was a 50 mile ride and that there were people who had raised thousands of dollars towards a cure. My heart and not to mention my body didn't feel I was ready.

So I committed myself to the following year, ready to train, and raise some major moola. This weekend I started training. It hasn't been so bad to tell you the truth. Taking things in 5 mile increments. Thursday I rode 5 miles, Friday I rode 5 miles and today I rode 10. And Georgetown is a pretty good place to start out, there are lots of hills and places to hit the pavement.

I really love my bike, its a steady ride. Here it is... It doesn't have a name yet, so hit me up with suggestions if you are so compelled.

Well I'll keep you all updated on the training and how you can help! Donate or be a part of the ride crew :)

So until then... DA DADADA DADADA DADADAAAAA... EYE OF THE TIGER!!

Uh Huh Her

2008-10-24T09:49:00.001-05:00

Few days ago we went and saw one of our favorite bands Uh Huh Her, here are some pics from it.

It's been awhile

2008-10-23T21:10:00.006-05:00

Sorry, I know I get on to many of you because you haven't updated your own blogs, and yet I neglect my own.

But I thought no one really read this thing and it was only for my own therapeutic needs. But I found out this week that I have a trusted reader! Shout out to Brittany thanks for the love! :)

Well things are going well. I'm living on campus now, lovin and enjoying life. Most of my days consist of going to work and coming home to my girl :) Can't complain. We are doing pretty well, taking things a day at a time, and enjoying the time we spend with each other. I wake up every morning wondering what it was that I could have done to deserve a person like her in my life. She's my best friend and true companion, and I love and feel about her more than anyone else my heart has come into contact with.

Most people have been supportive of us. It's been a long road and having those people to cheer us on a long the way has helped boost us with confidence in who we are. We had no clue many of our Phi Lamb friends would be so supportive and so inclusive. We assumed that this group would be the most homophobic, but we were the ones who were presumptuous in our judgment. So thank you if you have been a part of that group who has supported us as a couple and who have never treated us any differently because of this new part that you now know about who we are.

But it has been hard losing friendships, family members taking a step back, and many times having to hide who we are to individuals in our community for the sake of our jobs. It outright sucks. I remember when we started to decide to be out to a select few, I remember the fear we had of losing those we love for the one we love most. I felt like I had to choose. Or I was telling those who didn't understand that I was choosing her over being who I was to them. There was no question to me who I wanted to be, to me it wasn't a choice, it was something very biological, very emotional, very spiritual, everything that I knew within me wanted to be with this woman. A few people have asked me if I had thought that maybe I'm in this relationship because it was the next closest relationship to my ex, and I hadn't dealt with the trauma from that relationship.

If people would take the time to listen and accept that it has nothing to do with unresolved issues from the past within me, I had removed myself from my previous relationship long before I broke it off, for months even up to a year I had been hollow and not present in that relationship. I kept myself there because I thought it was the right thing to do, but I quickly found out that I could no longer do that. If people would realize that just because Jess and I didn't start out like a Disney movie relationship, and things were hard at first and we had to work through figuring out our sexuality while being in a relationship, doesn't mean that its a relationship set up for failure. If people would realize that I'm in love with this person for a reason, that she is someone that was worth working hard to be with, and that I'm happy because of where I am in my life and where I am is with this woman.

She's not leaving my life any time soon as far as we're concerned and when you shut her out you are shutting me out. My biggest wish is that those of you who are letting something stand in the way of accepting Jessica as a part of me, as a part of my life, would release that anger, fear, judgment, homophobia, loyalty to someone else, sadness. I know it might take some time, but I'm willing to help. I'm willing to work at the relationship with you in order for you to accept this large part of my life. Because when you tell me you love me for who I am, but you clearly don't accept this person in my life, you tell me that only certain parts of me are lovable.

I know I speak out of anger, sadness, and fear, things I'm asking many of you to release. We're in similar places just on the opposite ends of the scale. I want to be able to work hard for our relationship that is currently not the same because of the egg shells we are walking on around each other. It will take some time, but I want to all of us to release the hurt, pain and undesirable feelings that have been boiling the past year. I want you to be able to see first hand how happy I am, how in love I am. I want you to be able to know the best version of me because that's who I am when I'm with her.

Remembering

2008-10-05T13:15:00.002-05:00

My dad is a wonderful cook. He's owned restaurants, been a GM at a grocery store, and now is opening restaurants again. He's the smartest man I know, and while he didn't receive his education the conventional way, he's one of the best in the business. He's worked his way from dishwasher to owner throughout the span of his lifetime, which to me says more about his passion and his character than a degree in culinary arts could.

I remember being very young and watching my dad make a can of chicken broth and an egg into a culinary delight for 3 girls. On a Sunday afternoon after church he would put together a mezzaluna plate (cheese, deli meat, spreads, dips, crackers) a feast! He's great at whipping something up just out of no where and also planning an extravagant meal that only kings would eat.

He would take us to the restaurants at a very young age, because my mom would be on a trip (she's a flight attendant) and someone would need to watch us. So while he'd be in meetings he would recruit different staff to keep an eye on us. Pastry chefs, receptionists, bartenders, servers, sous chefs, they were all our babysitters at some point. But while he thought we were merely just playing and keeping to ourselves we were keeping a watchful eye of all the inner workings of a restaurant. He would take us to different restaurants outside of his own to probably do research for his own business, but he also did it to explore our palate. We had a love for brie, foie gras, sushi, rare cuts of meat, and food from all around the world. We thought this was normal, we thought that all kids brought Greek food to school for lunch in the 2nd grade.

My mom is also a wonderful cook. Later in life I was always impressed with how she could work all day on an airplane serving cranky people and then rush home to whip up a wonderful dinner for us, who mind you weren't the most grateful. She makes the most wonderful dishes that still to this day I try and replicate when I get a craving for. And she somehow always made it home that night to make us dinner after a trip. I always knew my mother loved us, but to be able to taste it in her cooking was another constant, she didn't have to say it, even though she did. It was in the preparation, taste and presentation of the food she made for us. My mother also helped start our Wednesday night program at church which included a meal. She pulled off a homemade meal every Wednesday night for all the members in our church, mostly single handedly. Her servant heart beats way farther than being a mother, it reaches out to all who want to sit down at a table for a meal.

When I cook a meal, especially for others, I think of my parents. I think of watching their technique, learning how to chop, dice, scramble, whip, mandolin, bake, fry, saute. I know flavor profiles, I know when a dish is being made on the television what it will probably taste like. I know how to create a meal that others will experience, not just fill their bellies with. I think of all of the wonderful meals my palete has experienced because of them. I think of all of the people that have been through our house because my parents had wanted to sit down to a meal with them. I think of the looks on their faces, the look of satisfaction, for creating a meal that others will remember and enjoy. I think of their passion for cooking and for others and am thankful that I have come from such a wonderful legacy.

I will not let the rocks cry out!

2008-10-03T09:16:00.002-05:00

I have a love hate relationship with the church. It's an interesting thing when the plans are for you to be a pastor, and you aren't really happy with how affairs are in the place you are headed. The United Methodist Church has had the opportunity time and time again to stand up and give us some proof that they mean what they say by their mission statement "Open Hearts, Open Minds, Open Doors." That's a load of bologna!

God's plan for me is grand! I know it. Sometimes God has to speak rather loudly to get my attention, and for my calling into the ministry He came with banners and fireworks and a force that I could not deny. When I was in the 6th grade and was going through confirmation the climax of our time in study was a ceremony welcoming us into the church and being baptized if we chose to do so. My parents really chose for me, I didn't really know what the hullabaloo was about, I just knew that they really wanted to see me be baptized. How was some water going to change me? What I didn't know was as I was thinking that while kneeling next to my peers at the altar, God was on his way down the aisle with his banners, and fireworks and force that I could not deny. As my pastor made his way down the line and eventually in front of my bowed head, my family laid their hands on me. My pastor splashed a handful of water on my head and a few seconds later I felt the force I could not deny. It was as if all the energy, all of the life in my body had left me, I was a lifeless piece of matter being held by those around me. Then as my pastor made his way to the next of my peers in line I felt a rush of energy enter my body that felt like a hurricane. I can't describe it, it was the most sustaining, sure, and safe place I've ever been in my life. It was then that I knew that God had big plans in store for me.

As I grew older I became to be more aware of what my gifts were, what God had instilled in me that day kneeling at the altar. I became aware. As I grew older I also became increasingly aware of feelings and thoughts that I knew weren't widely accepted by the church and especially by society. I remember one time telling my friend that I wanted to kiss another girl in my class at the lunch table. I remember the reaction from my friend, and quickly shutting up so not to step out of the box that I had been placed into. For a long time I knew that my feelings weren't how society and the church wanted them to be. But God had instilled them in me, I couldn't get rid of them, I couldn't get them to go away, so I decided to just be silent and try to forget about them. But I should have known, God was not going to be silent, he was going to come with banners, fireworks and a force I could not deny to show me that who he created me to be was loved and cared about in his eyes. He showed me that who he created me to be was much bigger than an institution, than a set of beliefs, than society. And that the person he created in me and the plans that he had for me were big! And weren't meant to be kept silent.

My denomination that I belong to (the United Methodist Church) has another thing coming to them if they think they can silence me and who I am. Luke 19:40 reads, "I tell you," he replied, "if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out." Those stones aren't going to be crying out if I have anything to do with it. God showed me early on that he had big plans for my life. What if Jesus had kept silent? Hadn't preached a message of love, acceptance and grace? What if he had not spoken up for the woman who was to be stoned? What if he had not advocated for the poor and the marginalized? What if he hadn't become angry and vocal in the temple? What if he had just left the lame and the sick to die and be forgotten about? Jesus didn't, he came to bring the banners, fireworks and a force that couldn't be denied. He came to bring a message of love and inclusiveness. He came to open hearts, open minds and open doors.

Just because my church tries to silence me doesn't mean that I'm going to let the rocks cry out. What if as a pastor, or better yet, as a Christian I never reached out to the sick and the lame? What would happen if I never advocated for the poor and the marginalized? What would happen if I never spoke of the atrocious and terrible way that this world is unbalanced? What if I never spoke of love, grace and inclusiveness? What if I kept silent? I would be denying the person who I was created to be and more importantly, the message the Jesus came to deliver.

So when my church thinks they can silence me, they've got another thing coming to them. Because when it is my time to be in the pulpit, to deliver my message, I'm going to change hearts, challenge minds and bust open doors! And when they try and silence me, I will bring the banners, the fireworks, and I will bring a force that they will not be able to deny.

1 point for Britter!

2008-10-02T15:24:00.002-05:00

So today was great!

It was a stressful day to start out, but it got to be so much better!

Today the Texas Council on Family Violence reps came out to see me and my program... wait I probably should explain what I do first.

My title is Domestic Violence Primary Prevention Specialist. So what that means is that about 75% of my time is devoted to creating a grassroots effort to prevent Family Violence (also known as Domesitc Violence), by collaborating with community members. Right now I'm mapping out what our community (Williamson County)looks like, in all aspects. So I'm working with the Census, crime reports, county data, city data, etc. etc. etc. I am the head of a community coalition where we foster discussion and strategically plan a pilot project based on the information that we have collected to prevent Family Violence. So I do lots of shmoozing to community members to be stakeholders and convince other community members that this is worthwhile. I also gather data in a lot of forms, interviews, focus groups, surveys, etc, to see what the norms are, what the problem of DV (domestic violence) is.

Well TCFV (Texas Council on Family Violence) is an agency that kind of makes sure that I'm in compliance and on track with my grant. They are great! But they also have lots of power. For example, after today's meeting they report back to HHSC (where my grant comes from) what our progress and our promise is.

Well I was pretty nervous about today's meeting. Because it was going to be our CEO, 2 TCFV people and myself in this meeting. I was to tell them what we have done up until this point (which I didn't have much of a clue since I've only been here for a month and there wasn't any material given to me from the person in this position before me), and to tell them where we are planning on going. So today was about making a good first impression and also showing promise for our pilot project.
It was also important to me to show our CEO that I have the skills to do this job, and that I'm excited about it as well, so she can put faith in me to do a good job.

I think I did a pretty good job! I felt like such the adult! Conducting a meeting! I even made handouts... and funny thing... One of the reps from TCFV had the same handout that I had given them, to give to me! :) BOO YA!
My boss seemed happy and confident about my program and also seemed happy with my performance in the meeting. The TCFV reps seemed excited about our planning process and where we are going. So everyone was happy all around!

Domestic Violence Awareness Month

2008-09-29T14:11:00.000-05:00

Word from Winkler

A huge problem
By Jim Winkler, General Secretary, General Board of Church & Society

I confess that I don’t think often about domestic violence. I have never considered striking a woman. I didn’t spank my children. Domestic violence, to the best of my knowledge, has not taken place in my family. I know, though, that domestic violence is a huge problem the world over.

I know people who have been abused. Therefore, domestic violence is a concern of mine.

Six in ten adults report that they personally know someone who has experienced domestic violence, according to research cited by the National Domestic Violence Hotline. One in three teenagers report knowing a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, kicked, choked or physically hurt by their partner.

October is “Domestic Violence Awareness Month.” It has been commemorated since 1987 as a means of raising awareness about this plague on society. Purple is the color that marks the observation. When you mix black and blue you get purple.

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence says its occurrence may include not only the intimate partner relationships of spousal, live-in partners and dating relationships, but also familial, elder and child abuse may be present in a violent home. Abuse generally falls into one or more of the following categories: physical battering, sexual assault and emotional or psychological abuse, and generally escalates over a period of time.

This is a good time for people to become familiar with domestic violence service agencies in their communities, how to contact battered women’s shelters, and to learn how your community is addressing domestic violence.

It is also an excellent occasion to discuss domestic violence in your congregation. Domestic Violence Awareness Month should be lifted up from the pulpit, highlighted in adult forums, and discussed in United Methodist Youth Fellowship gatherings.

Education and prevention make more sense than having to spend a lot of time and money dealing with the consequences of domestic violence. Alcohol problems, school dropouts and crime are just a few other societal ills that can result from domestic violence.

In the United States, the General Board of Church & Society has supported full funding of children’s services, prevention programs, law enforcement initiatives on domestic violence, rape crisis centers, and other state and local programs that provide services for victims and families. The amount of money spent on these programs is a tiny fraction of what society spends on weapons and training for war and violence.

Domestic violence crosses all barriers of race, ethnicity, nationality, social and economic class, and marital status. Domestic violence includes physical battering, sexual assault, emotional and psychological abuse.

Everywhere in the world, men commit most incidents of domestic violence. Men are usually larger and stronger than women. They use their size and power to harm and intimidate women. It’s common and it’s wrong.

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, research indicates that one in four women has been physically assaulted or raped by an intimate partner as compared to one in 14 men. Research also reveals that as many as half of the men who batter partners also abuse their children.

This is a problem not often addressed in church. It’s ugly and messy. The victims often get blamed for their own situation: “What did she do to set him off?” “Why doesn’t she just take the kids and leave?” “If she stays, she deserves what she gets.”

We can be harsh and judgmental.

This is a situation the local church needs to address. We need to minister to victims, educate our people about the problem, advocate for funding for programs that combat domestic violence, and work to break the cycle of violence.

Date: 9/29/2008
©2005-2008

I'm Coming OUT! I want the world to know!

2008-09-24T09:53:00.002-05:00

So Big News...

Clay Aiken has confirmed his sexuality... Not that he really needed to though. Kind of makes me angry that we are so fixated on that. Why? Because its taboo? Because he sings songs that we assume are to women?

Other big news... Lindsay Lohan has also confirmed that she is in fact dating DJ Samantha Ronson. BIG DEAL! Why is it that we have to know, or that we have to stick a label on it? Why can't love be love? Or lust be lust?

I saw an interview with Clay Aiken a couple of years ago with Diane Sawyer on GMA and when asked about his sexuality he just looked completely disgusted. It's not something to play around with or coax out of someone just because you assume or because you just "Have to know".

Straight, gay, bisexual, trisexual, monosexual, questioning, trans, queer, or just free floating. Who cares? I mean not that its not an important part of you, and if you decide to share that great, but its not something to be forced out or used by any means for informational gain. I'm sure Diane Sawyer doesn't want her sexuality paraded around, or her fetish for dirty socks pulled out of her on camera.

Anyways.

Pride Weekend!

2008-09-23T21:10:00.002-05:00

This weekend Jess and I made the trek up the I35 corridor to show our PRIDE!
Fantastic weekend, full of dancing, drink and merriment!
Friday night we made it to the Brinkmann's new loft after a loooong day of work for the both of us. It was good to get out and take somewhat of a vacation for awhile. Colleen and Barney had dinner ready for us and gave us the grand tour of their new pad, which has an amazing view of downtown dallas.

The next morning we woke up and went to breakfast with Leah, a friend of Jess' that she went to highschool with, and a new friend of mine. It's really neat that she has such great friends who are supportive and have known her for so long. We went to breakfast and caught up on life, the election and what the future holds. Then I met my lovely youngest sister Maisey at Ziziki's in Dallas for lunch. We caught up and ate a really wonderful Meditteranean lunch. It was really good to see her even though I will be going to visit her in two weeks. I sometimes feel like I missed out on getting to know her because I was concentrating too hard on being her overbearing older sister, so its nice to have opportunities to get to know who she is now.
Then Saturday night Jessica and I met our friend Angie and we went to The Rose Room for a drag show. I had no idea how much I would love this! The gals weren't necessarily that great of performers, but there's something about cheesy music, lip synching and shiny costumes that makes me go crazy! I was dancing right along with them on the front row and when there was one that really wow'd me I'd whip out my dolla bills and wave it around in adoring glee! I don't think Angie and Jess had as good of a time as I did at the Rose Room.

Cool Tangent: When we arrived there were these women on the front row who just amazed me. They were about 60-65 and were having a bigger ball than any of us! They were all glammed up and ready to party with the youngins. I just sat there in amazement, wondering what life had been like, what it is like for them. I wanted to know them. I want to be them. Being happy, going out and being themselves and not caring what other people think about their age, their sexuality, or their interests. It was wonderful!
After the show was over we went downstairs to the S4 club which was packed! I've never danced in such tight quarters. We tried to find our own space in the middle but the Latina who started a butt bumping war with me clearly won. So we just sucked up the tight space and danced the night away. I'm known as kind of a rigid dancer with no rhythm and no skill. But Saturday night, I was a different girl, or at least so I hear. I was breakin out the moves and feelin the music and just having a ball, I didn't want to leave. This guy was trying to pass thru the crowd and said to me, "You are too cute! Wow, you are just the cutest! I'm not ever attracted to women, but wow!" HAHA! I got a kick out of that and it boosted my dancing confidence a little more. It was nice to be able to keep up with my girlfriend who is an amazing dancer!
We left the club and crashed at home for a couple of hours before waking up and making the Brinkmann rentals a nice PRIDE breakfast. On the menu: Asparagus and Turkey Bacon Frittata, Tri-colored heirloom tomatoes, Fruit salad, Cranberry Walnut toast and Fresh squeezed orange juice. YUMMY!
Then we hit the road to stake out our spot for the parade! It was a ridiculously hot day! But we braved it. We found our spot and set up camp, waited for 2 hours in the hot sun for it to start and then watched the parade for another 2 hours. There was really just so much to see that its going to be hard to describe to you. So just look at my pics (http://www.new.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2020238&l=9a810&id=38600567). I would post them up here, but at work I get on here sometimes and I don't want pictures of drag queens to pop up on my computer screen for all to see.

After roasting, we made our way to the festival full of booths, food, music and fun! We got a hot dog to fill our grumbling tummies and then walked around to the different vendors to see what we could see. We came across the Orbitz booth and saw one of those money booths set up. You know where you are blind folded and all the money flies up and you have to catch it all!

There was no line so Jess and I decided to give it a shot. We both had to get in and be blindfolded, the guy manning it told us that we had to gather up all the money/paper money we could and then stuff it into the other person's shirt. Jessica was amazing, I sucked. I came out of the booth with my whole shirt full of money and paper money, she had about 4 pieces in hers. I looked like I had just gained about 15 pounds. So we unloaded our winnings at the table and the people there told us we could either keep the 9 dollars of real money or we could take our winnings of the paper money which meant 700 dollars in plane ticket vouchers. "Plane ticket!" we exclaimed. So I guess this means we'll be going on vacation soon! YAY!
We then made the drive back to Georgetown, tired and happy.

2008-09-15T19:15:00.001-05:00

Good times can't last forever, and stars can't be aligned for all time

2008-09-15T13:49:00.002-05:00

So things are going exceptionally well.

I've started to settle into my new job at Hope Alliance, my love life is settling into a nice groove, I've got hobbies, I've found a wonderful church. Not a care in the world, well maybe there is.

I'm uneasy with goodness. I’m apprehensive with blessing. I feel suspicious during the valleys, knowing there is a hill coming ahead. I’d like to think that I’m an optimist, but I know the truth, I’m extremely pessimistic and paranoid about the hard times ahead. I know good times can’t last forever, and that the stars can’t be aligned for all time, so instead of enjoying the view for now I prepare myself for the tough times ahead. Most of the time I make my own thoughts which I see as the inevitable into self fulfilling prophecies. I’m looking for the next wrong turn, the next obstacle or the next argument, and I pounce on them to get them started before they’ve even decided to start in on me. It’s very difficult for me to just sit and enjoy now, not worrying about what’s ahead. I know that if I make the inevitable happen now, maybe it won’t surprise me, hurt me, or defeat me as much as if it had discovered me first.
But I’ve caught myself lately, having fun and not worrying about the future. Not worrying about the inevitable. I thought forever that if you just kept yourself guarded from life’s joys that when they hurt you in the end (because I thought fairy tales aren’t true) it would be easier to move on. But in that frame of mind I never felt safe, I always felt scared, abandoned, defeated, before anything ever happened. This time around, I began to see all the goodness in my life and realized that pushing those things out and not fully experiencing them was the real defeat. So I am allowing myself to feel the showers of love, goodness, grace and pure joy for as long as they stay with me. Knowing that there will be hills and mountains and freaking Mt. Everests to climb in my future. And if I haven’t allowed goodness to fill me up, I won’t be strong enough to climb to the top and over to the next set of good things that are in store.

Extended Holiday Weekend

2008-09-04T09:19:00.002-05:00

I had a really wonderful Labor Day Weekend!
Friday was Betsy's Bye Bye party. So a bunch of my friends hung out and said goodbye to Betsy before she left for Prague. I'm going to miss her and have really enjoyed our growing friendship this past summer.

Jess was house sitting for a former professor so we got to stay over there all weekend and look after 2 cats (one that was the largest cats i've ever seen in person) and the cutest, most hyper dog i've ever met, spike. So we hung around there all weekend, but it was lovely, it was like being on a vacation.

Saturday morning we went to the Austin Farmer's Market and walked around. Then we went to central market and got some yummy mangoes to make sorbet. Then Saturday night we made dinner (pinwheel steaks and roasted root veggies)and just kind of hung out. Sunday we went to church and then had the most lovely brunch at Kerby Lane. We split a blueberry pancake, jessica had a side of scrambled eggs and i had a side of bacon and then of course we both had to have margaritas! :) Our food cost less than our drinks! :) Then we came back to the profs house and rested. We then made our way to campus to make dinner with our good friend Rigsby. On the menu: Chicken Parmesan, green beans and pasta. For dessert, blackberry cobbler and intoxicating lime sorbet (homeade!).

Monday was amazing! It was Austin's Free Day of Yoga!! So we woke up early and went to San Gabriel Park in Georgetown to do our first free class! It was held at the pavilion in the park and it was so nice and cool. Next we headed to PARTNER YOGA!!! MY NEW FAVORTIE!!

We did all these poses!! IT ROCKED!! Jessica and I had such a good time and I really hpe that we can do it together again soon. She's a yoga expert... no kidding, so I just try and keep up.

So I went to my new job on Tuesday for the first time and it was pretty good, as good as the first day can be I suppose. I showed up really nervous, and comparing everything to the luxury my old job was, and really didn't have any clue as to what I'm doing specifically at this agency. But among all of those feelings I had a pretty good time. I have a new cubicle, well half of a cubicle, and I'm going to be going to lots of meetings in the community and researching a lot of what Williamson County needs in a Violence Prevention Program.

Then yesterday I had a staff meeting and then they sent me home. I have an all weekend training coming up so they wanted me to be able to comp my time. So on my first week of work I've really only worked my first day :) Awesome! If you've kept reading till the end you get a gold star for the day! :)

Oh Georgetown...

2008-08-28T09:33:00.002-05:00

Okay so I need to share this with the few of you who click on my blog every now and then.

On Monday I went to HEB on I35 to pick up a couple of things for dinner. As I was coming up to the check out line I remembered that the People Magazine issue with Portia De Rossi and Ellen Degeneres' wedding pictures had come out. So I began to look for it in the check out line I was in and couldn't find it. There was a magazine turned around with its backside facing me, but I was looking for the beautiful cover of the two of them looking so wedding day like. So I went to the next line to see if it was there. Same thing, no magazine but the same magazine that was turned around in the other line was turned around in that line too. I pulled it out of its wire basket and turned it around and realized that it was People, and all of the People magazines were turned around in that line.

I thought to myself, "Seriously!?!?!" So I went to the other lines down the aisle and realized that all of the People Magazines were turned around. UGGGG GEORGETOWN!!! So while I was checking out I asked the clerk what the deal was with all the magazines being turned around, he proceeded to tell me this. "Well we've had some complaints about it, people are saying its just not an appropriate magazine to have in the check out. It's not family friendly."

What the hell?!?!? WTF!?!?

Not family friendly!?!!? So the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition, the tabloids with jacked up celebrities, and the Cosmo's with kinky sex tips are family friendly? And this magazine isn't!??!

PUHLEASE!!

So I then proceeded to ask to speak to a manager. So he calls one over. This guy looks like he could be my younger brother... How is he qualified to run a grocery store?!!? As he's walking over I began to feel bad about the hell he's about to get from me, but then I quickly shoo that thought away because I know that I've got to stand up for equal magazine rights! :)

Here's the conversation, well ass kicking really that took place:

"Hi sir, I was just wondering why all these magazines are turned around?"

"Well we've had more complaints about these magazines being turned around than people buying them, so we're just trying to please the majority of our customers. We're trying to find a compromise so people who would like to buy them can, we can keep them in the designated place, and those who find it offensive don't have to see it."

"Well sir, I find it offensive that its turned around, quite frankly this is discrimination. If you are going to turn these around than all the tabloids, the sports illustrated swim suit edition, and the cosmos need to be turned around."

"Maam I'm sorry that you find it offensive...."

"No. This is whats going to happen. When I come back, if I come back to this store. They had better be turned back around, or you will find a lawsuit bigger than Texas on this store. And believe me it will be worth it for me to do that over a magazine."

"I understand maam. I hope that you found everything you needed today and that you will come back and see us."

"That depends on you sir."

Experience and Belief

2008-08-27T13:08:00.002-05:00

I'm a hoarder. It's so hard for me to throw things away, I keep thinking that I might need it, or there might come a time that I might fit into those size 2 pants, or someone else might need a sparkly bouncy ball that lights up when you bounce it. It's so hard for me to let those things go sometimes, I attach memories with things to help me recall the feeling that I felt when someone gave me that item, or where I was in my life when I bought it.

I love going to garage sales but I hate putting one on. It's hard for me to go through my stuff and discard things I once found meaningful. I still haven't been able to part with any stuffed animal that I've been given through the course of my life. Things we treasure are given away, sold, bought, and we move on to new experiences.

This paradigm is also true in the spiritual world. It is often necessary for us to discard cherished beliefs we had at one point in our life, to be faithful to our experiences with God. Leaving behind old truths, changing our minds, growing is painful. We need to remember that God didn't create us with beliefs already instilled in our being, we were taught the things that we believe. For many of us our beliefs that were taught were reinforced by experiences. But many of us, most of us, accepted the things being taught with little or not reflection or questioning. Well first, how could we? Many of us were quite young at the beginning of our spiritual education. And secondly if we came into contact with spirituality at a later time, we trust the 'experts' and the 'experienced' to tell us what it all means, how it should be, feel, where the boundaries are.

I remember when the idea of going to hell became very real for me. I was at summer camp as a middle school student and we were talking about the grace of God, how by believing in him (and be sure that they had the step by step ways to do that) you would be in this society of the saved. It was that easy. The ones who questioned, who lived their lives outside of the procedure, those who didn't believe "GASP!" were going to be going to this firey, dark, Godless place and it was our jobs as the saved ones to influence them to make a change.

I came back from camp realizing that I knew a lot of people who fit the unsaved, and I was scared for them, I was scared what God would say if I didn't save them. I became friends with people who thought the same way I did, I shunned people who didn't. I became very vocal, calling people out on their missteps, my friends, my family. I was God's little moral judge.

I remember having a conversation with a friend of mine who was Bahá’í. She bravely went to our Christian school everyday believing in something that looked different than all of us. I tried to talk to her about Jesus, I tried to save her from the firey gates of hell, and she was so patient and gracious with me. I told her Jesus was the only one and reminded her of what the Bible said would happen to her if she didn't believe. How ignorant, how ridiculous, and how hypocritical of me. I hadn't even read all of the Bible, I didn't even know which scripture to quote to her. I hadn't learned about the Bahá’í faith that they did know and study Jesus, but also studied other religious figures such as Buddha, Muhammad, and Abraham. I ignorantly condemned this friend of mine to hell in the name of love for her and love for God.
Where's grace in that? If anything God's grace is being showered down upon me in my terribly real human faults.

It wasn't until I came to college where I began to question and reform my beliefs. I became a Phi Lamb as the same person I was in highschool: judgmental, unwavering and had all the answers. My experience and knowledge of God was stronger and better than anyone else's, I was going to be a pastor and that made me special. It was like God had given me a special talent to judge, direct and counsel people in the straight and narrow paths.

I became chaplain my sophomore year and everything started to crash. People started to come to me with questions and problems that I couldn't answer or speak to their experience. So I watered it down, I tried to give them black and white answers, I gave them what they wanted to hear or I made them feel like they needed to change for the sake of their salvation. I didn't necessarily do that with my words as much as I did with my way of leading. In the midst of their questions I began to question on my own, while trying to keep the facade all together.

I went through about a year of deep questioning. My junior year I took a big step back from Phi Lambs, from church, from God. I looked at my experience, and I thought of the experience that those girls and others had shared with me. I realized that in order for me to believe in the full potential of God's grace and the power of Jesus that I needed to expand my view, and I needed to let go of the nitty gritty. I was inspired by Isaiah, "O Lord, you are our Father. We are the clay, and you are the potter; we are ALL the work of your hand." (Isaiah 64:8).

My junior year and most definitely into my senior year (more to come here: spiritual crisis) did I begin to realize that the God I was coming to know was the God who had much wider arms than I had perceived. His hand and his reach are much farther than I could ever imagine, and I believe that's what Jesus was sent down here to tell us. I started to realize that God wasn't done speaking to us when the Bible was created, He is still speaking to us and to me and sending us new messages everyday.

I am thankful for my time as a conservative, unwavering, got it all together Christian. I believe that many of the things that I learned in that time were true and even though I don't necessarily believe what I believed then, it helped me to become the person I am today and the person I still am becoming.

Rooster!

2008-08-26T08:31:00.002-05:00

So this past weekend I FINALLY got to see my Rooster.

There's something about when Liz and I get to see each other that makes me just feel such pure joy. It's like that feeling when you are in preschool, and you go to school having seen your friend the day before but are so excited to see them again that its like you haven't seen them in forever! Except for the fact that I haven't seen her since January and before that I hadn't seen her since June.

Liz was my college roommate my sophomore and senior year, and I can't believe it that she has never ever judged me during that time and beyond. We both have changed so much since then, but when we see each other or talk on the phone its like we've never skipped a beat. It's comforting to know, and I'm so thankful to know that I have her in my life. Where no matter what I do, whom I change into, where I am, that we are always going to be friends. Our relationship has never been about who we are at that moment, or the choices we are or aren't making, or the proximity of where we live. It's always been about a loyalty and connection that we feel towards each other that transcends the changes and challenges of life.

She's been through the thick and thin with me. Has always listened to me rant, cry and work things through my head. She offers advice and encouragement but never judgment. She allows me to be me, and loves me for it. And I can't begin to express how grateful I am for her and her friendship.

If Grace is True

2008-08-21T14:22:00.005-05:00

So I'm rereading this wonderful book called, "If Grace is True" by Philip Gulley and James Mulholland. It's an interesting little book and will gently shake the foundations of your faith. I read it about twice a year and each time I've reexamined what it is that I hold true. The next few postings will probably be inspired from what I'm reading.

I become so intrigued by believers who feel like they have all the answers. I'm sorry, but I feel a little uneasy about a 20 year old telling me that they know all the answers. No but seriously, I can't imagine how constricted they must feel at times, how small and black and white life must look. I'm not trying to point fingers and to criticize, I've been there. I referred to scripture for everything, I prayed about everything, and judged everything/everyone to either be right or wrong. *Disclaimer: I'm not saying that referring to scripture, praying, or judgment is wrong. But I do believe that when you make that your entire spiritual life or life in general, when you limit yourself to experiencing God in only those ways, you are restricting yourself from the fullness of God.

We (Christians) are so quick to carve our beliefs into stone, the initial experiences we have become what everything needs to measure up to, becomes our law that we judge everything according to. We are so focused on the prize to be won (salvation) and getting others on board with us that we miss out on the real gift of grace, being thankful that its already been given to us. Christ is radical and came to bring a radical message, "Love and I'll take care of the rest." Love is a broad word. It doesn't map out for us how we should go about doing that, he just says to love. That's kind of uneasy for many of us, it puts us in a vulnerable place, especially those of us(I'll be the first to identify in this way) who need to know the expectations and the rules.

It takes powerful experiences to soften the heart and mind to be molded in new ways. That means that sometimes we are going to feel lost, out of our comfort zone, we are going to meet people who aren't like us, it means we are going to make many different types of decisions and experience a very colorful life. And God forbid it might even mean that we change our minds about certain things we held so tightly to be true.

Thank God for Grace.

Britter's got a new job!!!

2008-08-18T09:37:00.002-05:00

So after being on the job hunt for about a month.... I AM EMPLOYED!!!
And to make it even better I had 2 agencies hungry for my employment.... HAHA!! It's nice to have people fighting for you to work for them, its a good feeling.

So September 2nd I will start my new position at Hope Alliance as a Violence Prevention Specialist. I'll be facilitating a couple of groups a week, but also creating a violence prevention program collaborating with other agencies and people in Williamson County. I'm really excited to create a program on my own and to make connections with people to make services better here. YAY!

Also today my little sister Maisey is going to college! EEK!! Wow, I can't believe its really happening. She makes me so proud and I am so excited for her to be able to go out west. She is going to have a blast. My first day at SU seems like yesterday but also seems like it was an eternity ago. I've grown into a completely different person than who I was the first day I stepped onto campus.

I'm just so proud of her and I know she's going to love college life!

Sorry this is a really random post...

:)

Have a blessed week!

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

2008-08-13T19:11:00.002-05:00

Seems to be what I'm up to tonight... No not singing the Jack Johnson song that above title probably reminds you of.

I'm content... I just ate a crawfish salad (field greens, tomato, black bean and corn salsa, pickled oninons, avacado, crawfish and REMOULADE!) Then for dessert I had a lemon bar... mmmm mmmm. I know you are dying to know what I eat for dinner, so I thought I'd share.

I'm sitting here in Austin Java, content. My belly is full, I'm eavesdropping, writing, and feeling much better than yesterday's post.

My grandmother sent me a poem today in the mail and it gave me a perspective on what's going on in this life I was loathing yesterday. I'm a hare, not a tortoise. I want to be at the end as soon as I can, and take the shortest route possible. Slow and steady wins the race right? Oh but its so hard for me to become a tortoise.

Right now I want to be married, kids in college, with someone I love and have grown an old with. Silly huh? I want to be there. Not that I am ready to be there, but it pains me not to be. I don't want the pain, the falling flat on my face, the wrong turns. I haven't quite figured out why I'm so leary of the rough patches.

It takes reminding, like this poem did for me, that its the JOURNEY ("Don't stop believin!!") that's going to make the kids in college, retiring from a career, and sitting on the porch with the one I love in our rocking chairs watching the sun go down, feel so rewarding.

Thank you Grandma Sandy for your timing in sending me this:

ITHAKA

As you set out for Ithaka
hope your road is a long one,
full of adventure, full of discovery.
Laistrygonians, Cyclops,
angry Poseidon - don't be afraid of them:
you'll never find things like that one on your way
as long as you keep your thoughts raised high,
as long as a rare excitement
stirs your spirit and your body.
Laistrygonians, Cyclops,
wild Poseidon - you won't encounter them
unless you bring them along inside your soul,
unless your soul sets them up in front of you.

Hope your road is a long one.
May there be many summer mornings when,
with what pleasure, what joy,
you enter harbours you're seeing for the first time;
may you stop at Phoenician trading stations
to buy fine things,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
sensual perfumes of every kind -
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
and may you visit many Egyptian cities
to learn and go on learning from their scholars.

Keep Ithaka always in your mind.
Arriving there is what you're destined for.
But don't hurry the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years,
so you're old by the time you reach the island,
wealthy with all you've gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.

Ithaka gave you the marvellous journey.
Without her you wouldn't have set out.
She has nothing left to give you now.
And if you find her poor, Ithaka won't have fooled you.
Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,
you'll have understood by then what these Ithakas mean

An alternative translation of "Ithaka"

Constantine P. Cavafy

Control

2008-08-12T10:04:00.003-05:00

I'm a self proclaimed control freak.

When things are out of my hands and I can't have any influence over the outcome, I turn into the worst version of myself.

When I can lead the horse to water but can't make it drink, I'll try and drown it. (Animal right activists, this is simply a metaphor).

Right now most of my life has jumped out of my reach to be able to control. I've found myself living in different circumstances than I had anticipated, and planned. I had a hand in controlling the destiny I saw myself living. But things out of my control happened, well 'happened' is such a mundane word compared to my life... seized fits.

So right now I'm learning to be content with the way things are now, but I'm not necessarily happy about it. I'm dealing, because that's the only thing that I really have control of, and to lose control of that would be too much. So right now I'm controlling the dealing.

Dealing is funny, well not really... Right now I don't even know if what I'm doing is dealing. I'm just kind of in this angry place, pouting because I'm not where I was planning on being.

To my green eyes

2008-07-31T11:04:00.000-05:00

Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
And I come here to talk
I hope you understand

That green eyes, yeah the spotlight, shines upon you
And how could, anybody, deny you

I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter, now I’ve met you
And honey you should know, that I could never go on without you

Green eyes

Honey you are the sea
Upon which I float
And I came here to talk
I think you should know

That green eyes, you’re the one that I wanted to find
And anyone who, tried to deny you must be out of their mind

Cause I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter, since I met you
Honey you should know, that I could never go on without you

Green eyes
Green eyes

Ohohohohooooo
Ohohohohooooo

Ohohohohooooo
Ohohohohooooo

Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand

On to the next puzzle piece

2008-07-31T09:18:00.003-05:00

I seem to be at a new place in life, even though I didn't necessarily want to be here. I found out last week that Lifesteps (the agency I work for) lost our state funding. So what that means is I'm out of a job as of Aug. 29th. Oh dear.

That's the part of working in nonprofit that you just have to accept. Funding and opportunities come on conditions, so I kind of knew that this might happen, but it doesn't make it any easier. This job fell in my lap, and while I'm hoping that another job comes to me as easily as this one did, I know full well that it probably won't. The economy has gotten worse since then, and unemployment is at an even higher number.

And honestly its not about the money that I'm saddened by, its two things that are an even bigger loss to me. It's about leaving the amazing kids I worked so hard with this past year, knowing that they are probably going to be looked over in services and many of them will end up going down the slippery slope that I tried so hard to divert them from. Many of my kids have parents who are incarcerated, drug users, dealers, abusers, can't get a break, unemployed, working 3 jobs just to put some food in their bellies. I know that without services similar to what we provide, many of these children will end up much like their parents, either as a product of their own demise or as a product of the screwed up system that this country runs on, where more and more people can't get up on their feet. I worked hard at my job to make the lives of my kids better, to let them know that they had the potential to refuse the low expectations that they had been given and to accept that they were special, capable and cared about. I'm sad that if this message isn't reiterated that my work will have been for nothing.

I'm also very sad about leaving this family that I have found in Lifesteps. My biological family lives in Dallas, and so many times hard to feel like someone is looking out for me because that physical connection to my family back home isn't there. So the friendships and connections I have made at this place has given me something to look forward to when I wake up and drive to work each morning. I have the best boss in the world, who trusts me and encourages me, and leads me by her example of the hard work she gives everyday. She doesn't demand respect from me because she's already earned it. The executive director of our agency is the most kind hearted woman I've ever met, she not only cares about your life but she invests in it. She makes you feel like you are capable to go and take on the world. And each person here I've become comfortable around, and I feel bonded to these people in a similar mission.

But I'm hopeful that I will find something that fits my skills and my drive. I hope that I will find somewhere that will continue to allow me to explore where my gifts can intersect with the needs of the world. I have a lot to learn about the world before I become a pastor, and Lifesteps has taught me quite a bit. So I know that where God is taking me is going to be the next step in that journey. I'm moving to the next puzzle piece.

My attempt at artsy fartsy

2008-07-23T13:07:00.007-05:00

Baby Sadie Feet

District Line

Leisha Haley... wow...

apples in london market

dying flowers

driving home

scuba?

subway

one of my favorite people in the world

drinkin

addict

strawberry

wine tasting

blue water

boat

Time to Ride!

2008-07-22T10:52:00.002-05:00

Last week I bought a new bike!!

YAY! I'm planning on trying to ride at least 3-4 times a week, try to lose some weight, and just enjoy being outdoors more.

It doesn't have a name quite yet, but it takes awhile for the character of the bike to develop. :)

So yeah for new hobbies!

Pictures to come soon!

Lesbian Rant

2008-07-14T10:30:00.002-05:00

So this weekend I went to a birthday party of a friend of mine. I went with Jessica and we really didn't know many people there and the people we did know we didn't know exceptionally well, except for the birthday boy of course.

After a few drinks and about an hour of conversation this one person in particular decides that they know me well enough to make comments about my girlfriend and I. The comments ranged from flat out stupidity to down right disrespect. I literally thought for a brief moment that I was on some kind of hidden camera show.

The most unbelievable part about it was that I was so taken off guard that I just sat there. I was in such shock and disbelief that this person would even think to make comments like that, that I just stood there and the only thing I could muster up to defend her and myself was "Shut up!"

UGG! It made me so angry that someone can just have the audacity to assume they are the expert on your life and that they can make comments like that and think that I'm going to be okay with that. I wouldn't let my family or my best of friends say anything close to what this person was saying, how could I let someone who has known me for an hour do that? Why did I let him do that? It makes me so angry that this person used their privelage (white, heterosexual, male) to be discriminatory and harass another individual, and ultimately use the idea of 2 women being together for their own gratification. I've never experienced this type of discrimination and all I could do was just sit there and take it.

I knew that if I lashed out and became violent and angry that would just put more power into his hands. I would be seen as the 'irrational, angry, emotional, lesbian' on my power train. And yet I also let him speak like that about my relationship and about my girlfriend to where I wasn't strong enough in word or in body to defend any of those things. I felt like a coward.

But also I could see where this was being fueled from. The more I came to know this person (in the small amount of time that I did), the more insecurity I could see. I saw how much power I had over this individual, how much power this guy was allowing my relationship to have over him. He couldn't recognize nor celebrate the love that is abounding in my relationship, because it threatened him. He might not realize this, but my relationship with my girlfriend was threatening to his privilege, I had taken away his power. So he tries to use this power even more to make himself feel more in control and powerful.

So I guess what I can do to combat this ridiculous power trip he was on, is just continue to live my life and continue to love my girl and to keep him out of the mix and not let him get to my head. Because his little complex about my relationship and my girlfriend shouldn't effect me.

Fire and Brimstone

2008-06-16T08:20:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I went to my parents Sunday school class and they are reading this really neat book called "Rescuing the Bible from Fundamentalism: A Bishop Rethinks the Meaning of Scripture" by John Shelby Spong.

It brings a very interesting discussion in their class. While their class is talking about the contradiction of scriptures, the classes next door are utilizing them in the most fundamentalist way, well at least as fundamental as a Methodist can get I suppose.

Anyways, yesterday a woman in their class brought up that she doesn't believe that there is a hell. For me that put my belief in suspension. For the past few years I have come to this realization that I believe that no one is left out of the embrace of God. The most beautiful thing I believe about grace is that it is offered and given to everyone. Whether we accept it or not, it is freely given. So no one has to do anything, no one has to believe in any certain way, it is given to you with no commitments.

But then I started to think... wow I really believe that is a hell, or I guess I still do believe there is a hell, and it is a very real place. And how in the world does that fit in with my belief that everyone is spared from there? What then is the point of hell? Is hell a place that we experience on this earth? Is hell a place that we can choose to go to once we come to the gates of heaven, do we tell St. Peter, no I'd rather go there instead of here? Or is hell just where the 'devil' lives, is it where all sin, destruction, hopelessness, tragedy, and malice originate from? Is it a place where we could possibly go, or is it just a place where all of these terrible things we experience on earth that God could not possibly create because I believe He is a loving God, could come from?

I don't know, its something that I'm chewing on and know I will never come to answer, and I guess its not that big of an issue, but maybe it is. If this call of mine is real, I feel I need to come to some sort of conclusion on my beliefs on issues like these at some point.

I close with these words that are much more loftier and creative than my own...

“"Conversation"

God and I in space alone . . .
and nobody else in view . . .
"And where are all the people,
Oh Lord" I said,
"the earth below
and the sky overhead
and the dead that I once knew?"
"That was a dream," God smiled
and said: "The dream that seemed to
be true; there were no people
living or dead; there was no earth,
and no sky overhead,
there was only myself in you."
"Why do I feel no fear?" I asked,
"meeting you here in this way?
For I have sinned, I know full well
and is there heaven and is there hell,
and is this Judgement Day?"
"Nay, those were but dreams"
the Great God said, "dreams that have ceased to
be.
There are no such things as fear and sin;
there is no you . . . you never have been.
There is nothing at all but me."”
Ctrl_R

Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Please Tell Me this is a JOKE!

2008-06-04T14:29:00.002-05:00

Okay so I was bumming around in my office today, its a slow wednesday...

And I came across this guy's website... I thought that this has to be a joke, but the more I read the more aware of how serious this guy is...

Here's his music video...

I FREAKIN LOVE IT!!

2008-06-01T19:14:00.000-05:00

SEASON FINALE TO GREY'S!!

2008-05-31T08:13:00.002-05:00

Kings N Things.

2008-05-31T07:58:00.003-05:00

Last night was a lot of fun! I went to the Kings N Things Birthday party at Elysium. I've decided that I really like to go out. Well, maybe, I've gotta be in the mood. And I'm a grandma and get tired around 10 pm, but when I've gotten enough sleep I looove to go out and dance!! So much fun!

The show was pretty cool. They 'sang' to a bunch of different songs, even one from Wicked. And they attempted to dance at a few of them. I mean I know I could teach them a few things about both of those ;). I'm a natural performer ;) HAHA!! JK

But they all had these cool names, like 'Avery Austin', 'The Lancebian', 'Pappa Wheely' 'Cherry Poppins' 'Miles Long'. And I was so freakin jealous! I want a cool stage name! I'll be thinking and I'll let you know what you can call me.

New Favorite Artist

2008-05-28T14:41:00.003-05:00

Katy Perry

"Thinking of you" has 2 versions... live and recorded... amazing song...

I Kissed a girl... ;)

Compline With Betsy

2008-05-26T08:05:00.002-05:00

So last night was the best part of my week. I went to a Compline Service with my good friend Betsy at St. David's Episcopal in Austin.

Amazing service.

You go into this small, very romantic sanctuary. The room is mostly dark except for the few lights spotlighting the front. Incense comes through the room and surrounds us to let us know its time to start worship. The choir comes through and lines up in an arrow pointing to the altar at the front, and they begin to sing.

The whole service is this beautiful choral homage to God. Absolutely beautiful music. If you close your eyes you feel like you are entering the gates of heaven.

I loooved it! Betsy and I were talking about it afterwards and we both commented that it was such a great service because it didn't require anything for you and it was beautiful because of its simplicity. All you had to do was sit there and be.

Refreshing.

Horoscope

2008-05-24T10:57:00.002-05:00

So I don't really believe in horoscopes, I mean they are so vague that it could really apply to anyone. But I always look at the horoscope section in my weekly Austin Chronicle...

This week it was written for me:

Cancer (June 21-July 22):
If you're normal, you periodically feel surges of anger that you don't express. Over time they may accumulate into a mess of blind rage that can hurt innocent bystanders, damage your relationships, and tempt you to punch holes in walls. Is there a way to keep this from happening? Yes, there is: It's my patented Laughing Tatrum Release Therapy; a five-minute ritual that you perform once a week in a private place with no witnesses. For four minutes, you fume, seethe, curse and yell. For the final 60 seconds, you compel yourself to laugh uncontrollably. This week would be an excellent time to start integrating Laughing Tantrum Release Therapy into your routine.

Wow.

For those of you who don't know me, you probably see me as someone with a pretty even temper. Many Cancers are misinterpreted this way.

I'm really good at masking my anger, I'm really good at suppressing it and letting it boil. I figure it will just go away if I try and forget about it or try and move on, but it never works that way for me. Cancers have a hard time expressing emotions, even though we are the most emotion filled people out there, we feel everything at extremes.

I've got an anger problem. DISCLAIMER: I'm working on it! I'm currently seeing one of the most amazing therapists ever and that's something we're focusing on.

But my anger has been a real problem for me in a lot of my relationships and this year its become apparent that I'm the one that needs to be doing the work. Little things bother me and make me feel unwanted and unloved, I don't communicate that so I erupt with emotion when something small comes along and is the last straw on the camels back.

There have been many times where my anger has gotten so bad that I've punched the wall, trashcans, doors, bricks, thrown chairs and trashcans anything that I can find to help me to explode. It's definitely something I'm not proud of, and have seen how its hurt the people I love. I feel like its an alter-ego, my dr. jekyl. It's unpredictable and unstoppable.

But Kelly and I are working on it. We're working on identifying my emotions in a healthy way with emoclear processes. Emoclear is a set of processes that help you to identify your feelings in every way, physical, spiritual, mental. So I'm working on it. It's just so frustrating when Jekyl comes out again and I see the people that its hurting and the people I lose because of it.

But hopefully one day it won't be like that anymore, hopefully I'll be able to take control of my feelings instead of having them control me.

YAY GREY'S ANATOMY!!

2008-05-23T07:21:00.001-05:00

This was the first kiss 2 weeks ago, I will post the one last night later when its up on youtube.

Last nights episode was amazing. I hope that they become a couple!!

Well Oiled Machine

2008-05-21T19:23:00.002-05:00

I long to be steel.
Made of cranks and cogs.
Bolts and gears.
Strong to the core.
Working in perfect sync.
Never shutting down, always moving, constant.

I'm faulty, a condemned machine.
Recalled, like a car seat, kitchen appliance, or plastic toy filled with lead.
Contradictorily toxic to others.

I envy the machine.
It continues to work,
even when its raining, if its a monday, or if its unloved.
It doesn't bend, it doesn't cry, it doesn't feel.
I envy the machine.

Bring it!

2008-05-19T23:09:00.002-05:00

Well things are definitely strange right now.

I'm currently living in my apt, by myself, hardly any furniture, and no television. My friends came over the other day and told me it looks like a bachelor pad. HAHA! But things are just kind of slow right now. They'll pick up after summer.

I was talking with my mom this weekend and she commented that she thinks I've done a lot of growing this past year. Which coming from her, I really appreciated and took as a great compliment. I love my mom and was really happy that I got so spend some good time with her this weekend. She's someone I have the greatest deal of respect and love for, so when she tells me something like that, I really have to mull over it for awhile.

I was thinking about what she said on the 5:45 am flight I had this morning from Dallas. It's been a loooong year. And thankfully I'm glad that its about to pass the year mark of when I broke off a wedding. I feel like earlier this year that's something I was defined by. It was a hard thing to do and come to terms with. Moving on with my life was hard too because not everyone outside of myself were ready. But I had to keep doing what was best for me and for the the pursuit of myself.

I graduated from college last year and had to start and make my mark in the working world. Even though I work in nonprofit its a new and crazy beast you have to learn how to tame. I've learned how to do my job well and how to show confidence in my abilities. This was something I didn't know how to do effectively.

I started to explore and come to an understanding of my sexuality. Something I always questioned, but quickly stopped in its tracks when I did. I never knew that this would be the thing that God would use to bring me more in tune with him. It was a struggle and a vomiting and recounting of all the confusing periods in my life that couldn't be explained at those times, and yet they seemed so normal when I was going through them.

I came to understand what my confusing feelings were for my best friend, and realized that this was love. Something that had permeated my heart farther and deeper than any person, experience, or feeling ever had before. This was the place in my life and the person that I felt most comfortable with as myself, stripped of all the facade and masks. I could be me, whatever that meant, even if that was changing.

Even though I had disposed of every inch of the person that I once was, and still have no clue who the complete me is, I am hopeful because I know full well that this is a life time process to figure out. There are going to be more years like this one. There will be more hurt and confusion, more joy and celebration, more scenic drives and more turning around to find another route. It's life, it can't be trying to make everything and every feeling comfortable and perfect.

So if there is another year in store like this past year, I'm ready for it. Bring it!

YAY CALIFORNIA!!

2008-05-17T07:46:00.001-05:00

I'd like to share some news that is making my heart sooo overjoyed!

California Becomes Second State to Recognize Marriage Equality for Same-Sex Couples

HRC Hails Landmark Decision As Latest Step Toward Full Equality

5/15/2008

WASHINGTON — Today, the California Supreme Court reversed a lower court decision and ruled that same-sex couples have the same right to marry as opposite-sex couples under the state constitution. The court ruled that it is a violation of the state constitution to deny same-sex couples the right to marry, and that providing rights to same-sex couples through a separate system of domestic partnerships does not satisfy the state constitution.

"This is a historic day for the state of California, and a long-awaited day for the plaintiffs in this case and their families," said Human Rights Campaign President Joe Solmonese. "The California Supreme Court has made clear that same-sex couples in committed relationships and their families deserve the same level of respect afforded to opposite-sex couples. The court did its job by ensuring that the state constitution provides the same rights and protections for everyone. This is a decision that strengthens California families."

Solmonese continued, "We congratulate and commend the National Center for Lesbian Rights, Lambda Legal, the ACLU, Heller Ehrman, the Law Office of David C. Codell, Equality California, Our Family Coalition and, of course, the courageous plaintiff couples and their families who looked to the courts to defend their rights."

The court’s decision involved several consolidated cases, collectively referred to as In re Marriage Cases. The cases were filed in 2004. In March 2005, a state trial court ruled that, under the state constitution, same-sex couples must be permitted to marry. In October 2006, the California Court of Appeal reversed the trial court in a 2-1 decision. The California Supreme Court’s decision today overrules the Court of Appeal’s decision.

A growing number of states are providing relationship recognition to same-sex couples. California joins Massachusetts to become the second state to recognize civil marriage for same-sex couples. Five other states provide same-sex couples with access to all the state level benefits and responsibilities of marriage, either through civil unions or domestic partnerships. Three other states and Washington, D.C. provide same-sex couples with at least some of the basic benefits and protections made available to married heterosexual couples. However, because of the so-called Defense of Marriage Act, same-sex couples do not receive federal rights and benefits in any state.

Key results from the ruling:
Same-sex couples in California will now be able to obtain a civil marriage license and receive the same respect and protections afforded to all married couples.
Churches and other religious institutions will not have to recognize or perform ceremonies for these civil marriages. This ruling is not about religion; it’s about the civil responsibilities and protections afforded through a government-issued civil marriage license.
The court’s decision does not entitle same-sex couples in California to receive the federal rights and benefits extended to married couples. The so-called federal Defense of Marriage Act discriminates against same-sex married couples by denying them over 1,000 federal rights and benefits, including social security benefits, the ability to file a joint federal tax return, and the right to petition for a spouse to immigrate.
Other states may legally recognize the civil marriages of same-sex couples performed in California in the same way they recognize out-of-state marriages by different-sex couples.
The court’s decision today does not change the law in any other state, or federal law.
The Human Rights Campaign and the Human Rights Campaign Foundation signed onto an amicus or "friend of the court" brief in the consolidated cases to support and further explain the case for extending civil marriage rights to same-sex couples under the state constitution. A number of other civil rights organizations, religious groups, child welfare experts, law professors, family and legal historians and others also signed or filed briefs in favor of extending civil marriage laws to same-sex couples.

No Air

2008-04-30T09:44:00.000-05:00

A Jihad for Love

2008-04-29T08:13:00.002-05:00

Well, last night I went and saw "A Jihad for Love". It was one of the most amazing films I've seen all year. The director did an amazing job with the content of the film and the cinematography. Parvez Sharma joined us last night at the screening and an interesting discussion followed.

The film takes a very intense look at the global intersections between Islam and homosexuality. Parvez encountered twelve different countries and many different personal stories of hidden lives, guilt, abuse, and yes, hope.

"In Western media, the concept of ‘jihad’ is often narrowly equated with holy war. But Jihad also has a deeper meaning, its literal Arabic being ‘struggle’ or ‘to strive in the path of God’. In this film we meet several characters engaged in their personal Jihad’s for love. The people in this film have a lot to teach us about love. Their pursuit of love has brought them into conflicts with their countries, families, and even themselves. Such is the quandary of being both homosexual and Muslim, a combination so taboo that very little about it has been documented.

As a result, the majority of gay and lesbian Muslims must travel a twisting, lonely and often dangerous road. The majority of Muslims believe that homosexuality is forbidden by the Qur’an and many scholars quote Hadith (sayings attributed to the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him) to directly condemn homosexuality. Islam, already the second largest religion in the world is also the fastest growing. 50 nations have a Muslim majority. In a few of those nations laws interpreted from alleged Qur’anic prohibitions of male homosexuality (lesbianism is allegedly absent from the Qur’an) are enforced by religious, tribal or military authorities to monitor, entrap, imprison, torture and even execute homosexuals. Even for those who migrate to Europe or North America and adopt Western personae of "gay" or "queer," the relative freedoms of new homelands are mitigated by persistent racial profiling and intensified state surveillance after the attacks of 9/11 and train bombings in Madrid and London.

As a result, many gay and lesbian Muslims end up renouncing their religion completely. But the real-life characters of A "Jihad for Love" aren't willing to abandon a faith they cherish and that sustains them. Instead, they struggle to reconcile their ardent belief with the innate reality of their being. The international chorus of gay and lesbian Muslims brought together by "A Jihad for Love" doesn't seek to vilify or reject Islam, but rather negotiate a new relationship to it. In doing so, the film's extraordinary characters attempt to point the way for all Muslims to move beyond the hostile, war-torn present, toward a more hopeful future. As one can imagine, it was a difficult decision for the subjects to participate in the film due to the violence they could face. It took the filmmaker six years to finish this film and he like those who have stepped forward to tell their stories feel that they are Islam’s most unlikely storytellers. All of them feel that this film is too important for over a billion Muslims-and all the non-Muslims in the world-for them to say no. They are willing to take the risk in their quest to lay equal claim to their profoundly held faith.

A Jihad for Love’s characters each have vastly different personal takes on Islam, some observing a rigorously orthodox regimen, others leading highly secular lifestyles while remaining spiritually devout. As the camera attentively captures their stories, the film’s gay and lesbian characters emerge in all their human complexity, giving the viewer an honest rendering of their lives while complicating our assumptions about a monolithic Muslim community. Crucially, this film speaks with a Muslim voice, unlike other documentaries about sexual politics in Islam made by Western directors. In the hope of opening a dialogue that has been mostly non-existent in Islam’s recent history, and defining jihad as a “struggle” rather than a “war,” the film presents the struggle for love."

This film shed a new light on my faith and my sexuality. While I empathized with many of the real life characters in their struggle to embrace their sexuality and be loyal to their faith, I realized that my struggle was merely a light scuffle and their's a full out battle. I have never been afraid for my life, or would even be brave enough to have to defend my life because of my sexuality. I understand the struggle between faith and sexuality, its a constant battle. For a long time I felt guilty for the way that God created me. I felt like there was something that I must have done, or God knew that I would do, to have been created with this struggle inside of me. Growing up in a Christian home, going to a Christian school, and wanting to be a pastor caused a lot of guilt. I felt like I had to choose between my sexuality (yet I didn't know that's what it was at the time, or what even that looked like, was I straight? was I gay? was I bisexual?) and my faith. Even when I identified myself and liking boys, I still felt a huge tension between sexuality and faith. You didn't want to tempt your brother or cause him to stumble. I felt like I had to choose one or the other, so I chose faith, and in doing so repressed my feelings and exploration of sexuality. But if this is who God has created you as than how can you supress that? It is willed by God. God wants the very best of you, and that is how He created you.

I can't imagine being in a Muslim country where the "act" of homosexuality is punishable by death. There is this one scene in the film where a man named Imam Muhsin Hendricks, goes to a religious authority to talk to him about Islam and him as a gay man. The religious authority says that in Muslim countries that this is a crime its not a question of if they are going to kill you or not, the debate would be on exactly how they would go about killing you.

I don't understand why I am fortunate to live in a place where I might get the occasional stare walking down the street hand in hand with my girlfriend, instead of always looking over my shoulder to see who might see me lovingly brush her hair out of her eyes. I don't understand how loving someone can be punishable by death? And why the 'religious' have to feel so threatened by this. Does this in anyway harm their 'salvation'?

I whole heartedly back this movie.

I don't like being up in the air

2008-04-28T15:18:00.002-05:00

Well a lot has happened since the last time I actually posted. And I guess right now I feel like actually writing about it.

Last Monday Jessica and I found out that our moving in together might have been a bit premature. We started a discussion about wants/needs and found out that ours didn't quite match up for the upcoming year. That conversation turned into us taking some steps back in our relationship. Which is hard. A lot of things are up in the air and are quite hard for the both of us right now.

We both love each other a great deal, its just we both are on different pages about our life. So that almost makes it harder because we still love each other a great deal, and there's really no bitterness or anger towards each other. No one did anything wrong, it just got to a cross roads.

So right now we're trying to figure out some things.

In the process of this happening I think I've been forced to look at my life and realize that there's not a lot to it. Except for the girlfriend and work, there wasn't much to me. So my therapist and I working on me right now, and developing healthy things for me. I'm really wanting to do this in a big way.

I'm going to go to a movie tonight @ SU. Tomorrow I'm not quite sure yet. Wednesday I'm going to a lecture and to therapy. I've got to find some other things to fill up my week. I'm trying to find some things that I'm interested in that aren't going to cost me too much. I was thinking about trying yoga again. I'm also going to be trying to go play volleyball with an austin meetups group on Saturdays. Hopefully, this will be something that I can do. I'm not very good at putting myself out there to meet new people unless I've got someone I know with me to help be my portal.

Here are my tentative goals for myself:

1. Find a sport to be involved in.
2. Find a group to volunteer with that promotes socializing.
3. Find some friends that aren't from SU or thru SU.
4. Find an interest group that I can join.

So thats what I've got so far. It's hard, and I'm trying to remain hopeful about the future. But for now I'm going to take things one step at a time and hopefully this will be okay.

I hope the next post won't be so depressing I'm sorry. :)

We'll rise above this...

2008-04-26T13:32:00.000-05:00

Say

2008-04-22T20:57:00.001-05:00

There are no words...

2008-04-22T08:50:00.000-05:00

...to describe where I am right now.

A Jihad for Love

2008-04-15T10:52:00.000-05:00

Loooong weekend

2008-04-14T22:02:00.006-05:00

Jess taught me everything she knows about dancing!

Lil' Kim!

Alyssa! One of my fav. girls!

She looked absolutely stunning!

Littles!

This weekend was especially long. Started out working late Friday, going to a formal on Saturday (pictures above) , driving to dallas early sunday morning and driving back early early this morning.

The only constant in life is change...

2008-04-10T15:54:00.002-05:00

How true is this? I think that this would probably be the underlying theme to my life. Even though change is constantly happening, I'm not necessarily good at rolling with it. You would think that 22 going on 23 years, I would have been used to this by now. When things are in that certain, perfect, ideal setting all I can think about is stopping time to sit and soak it in awhile. But I never am able to conjure up enough super human power to stop time, so I'm constantly running at the coat tails of whatever last enjoyable moment has just past to try and get it all back.

I'm working on keeping view of the present and yet to come though. I'm slowly trying to not look back. It's hard for someone who hates being out of control. I'm quite proud of myself actually. This year has been the year of change, brought on by yours truly. The growth that has happened because of this year is like reaching the summit of a mountain and looking down at all the crags and boulders that you had to wrestle around to get to the view you're at now.

Segue>>> I wish there would have been more preparation for real world life. It's been hard after college. You take a lot of things for granite and you aren't really thankful for the little things that make the world of difference when you don't have them anymore. It's so hard to meet people and make friends in the working world. After you graduate its like you've come to this moment of freedom that you've longed for for so long, but then you all of a sudden become aware of the drastic change that has just occurred.

You no longer have the comfort of the university that you called home, the friends that were very much like family and the luxuries of not having to pay bills, wake up at 6 am, or go to bed at 10. I wish people would just stop telling me to go and meet people, or to go out and have fun w/ other working people. It's like kindergarten all over again. You just want to piss your pants at the thought of having to make friends and you just want to continue to hang out with mom and baby sister all day.

It's a hard knock life... :)

I miss you

2008-04-09T20:50:00.000-05:00

2 films

2008-04-09T15:27:00.001-05:00

I have seen the top film and am awaiting the bottom trailer to come out on DVD.

What I've been up to lately...

2008-04-04T10:02:00.005-05:00

Hmm... well... Since london:

I haven't done much but it seems like I have. I really want to start posting on here more, its just I feel like I don't have much to write about that's interesting. But that doesn't keep me from acting like this is a good way to procrastinate at work.

Well the night I got back from London I went and saw this amazing band @ SXSW

New celebrity crush: Leisha Hailey. AMAZING BAND!! And Leisha is the blonde in the pic, she plays Alice on the L word for those of you who aren't in the know.

My girlfriend Jessica and I are doing well. Everyday with her is wonderful and new and just incredible. I truly am happy with her but most importantly with myself. We've been through a lot as individuals and as a couple this year, but through it all we grow closer and closer. She took me to The Oasis a couple of weeks ago and here's the picture from that. :)

Work is going well. It's been hard this week. In this job I realize how many people do not deserve to be parents. It's a privilege to be a parent, and many don't see it that way. I'm gearing up to do groups this summer and to get the semester wrapped up.

Here are Britter's plans for the summer:

1. Move in w/ my girlfriend! more to come on this later.
2. Get my certification for work.
3. Go to Mexico con Colleen y Barn Barn, y Jessica of course :)
4. Go to Florida con Kate, Gordon y Jessica of course! :)
5. Save tons of money for loans, seminary, and a couple of items for myself.

Yesterday and Today

2008-03-11T15:28:00.002-05:00

Sorry that I didn't update yesterday. I don't think anyone really reads this thing anyways, so I guess I have no one to apologize to, but what the hell... I'm sorry.

I got sick last night and was sick most of the day today so I've been kind of limited in my energy.

Here's the London update:

Yesterday:

Yesterday my dad, mom and I went to the Tower of London and saw a bunch of torture tactics and the Crown Jewels. We also had this amazing beefeater give us a great tour! Next we went to the Tate Modern Art Museum. Freakin cool awesome museum! There were Picassos and Rothkos and Duchamp like it was a finger painting on some moms refrigerator. Not like they didn't appreciate or exhibit these paintings well, because they did, but it was like no big deal to them, for me it was a huge deal to see these paintings.

So that was really really neat. We also had lunch on the top floor at the Tate Modern Restaurant. We had a mezzaluna platter (cheese, hummas, dips etc.) for an app. Then we split fish and chips and an open faced roast beef sandwich.

Next we met Emme @ a pub called The Anchor and Hope. We all had traditional British fare. Emme had a fennel and some kind of cheese that I can't think of the name. Dad had seafood chowder, and mom and I split a whole crab.

Then we went to look around picadilly circus for a little bit and went home.

Today I woke up not feeling too well. I've got my sinus stuff acting up, so I didn't sleep well and I kept falling asleep everywhere we went today. First we decided to go to the British Museum, basically just a really neat history museum. I loved looking at all the artifacts and the Egyptian exhibit was really neat. After the museum we searched for this place to eat at called Hummus Bro. It was awesome. It basically was a Chipotle for hummus. They would put hummus down on a plate and you would tell them if you wanted Chx, beef, etc. It was sooo good. Next we wandered around the town for a bit and then we went and picked up our theater tickets. We ended up going to see this show called "39 Steps" it was a comical adaptations of the Alfred Hitchcock movie, but it was only a cast of 4 people who played up to 150 characters. It was hysterical and wittingly funny.

Then we decided to go to this place that Emme loves to eat at called My Old Dutch. It was a Crepe house that served all of these different kinds of crepes. My mom and i split the Chicken Curry Crepe and a Lemon Honey Crepe. They were huge and they were quite tasty.

I feel so grateful to be here and to be able to see my sister!! She is having such a great time and she has made some wonderful friends and memories. Even though she's so close in age to me she has always been my little sis who I have always seen as little kid emme that I need to look after (older child syndrome, I'm working thru the issues). But watching her in London has made me see her in a different light, and I also think she has grown a lot while she's been here. She's always been so independent but I've never seen it to this extent. Basically I guess what I'm trying to say is this trip has made me more proud of her and I just really hope the best for her life :)

Tomorrow we get up at 5:00 am london time, midnight dallas time! All I know is that my sleep schedule is going to be screwy for the next couple of weeks. So hopefully I'll be able to sleep on the plane tomorrow and be ready for work on Friday. I've had the best time being in london, it was a wonderful break and I'm feeling refreshed with a new perspective.

Cheerio!

Day 2

2008-03-09T17:39:00.002-05:00

Today was a great day in London:

First we started out on a bus tour. Now this normally would be too touristy for my family, but it ended up being a great deal. This bus would take us around town to all of the hot spots in London and we could get off for as long as we would like, and take pics, go into the point of interest, or do whatever. Then later on we could just catch the next one that came along, no charge, and it would just keep going to the next spot. So we got some really great photos and a real quick nice tour of London. This also included a boat tour, so we got to see London from another perspective too.

Next we went to the theater district and caught tickets to go see Lion King. AMAZING SHOW!!! Absolutely amazing! I loved the music, the acting, and the costumes were fantastic. I could go on and on about it. Oh and they served ice cream at intermission, why we don't do this in america i don't know!!!

Next we headed to this cute little bar to have some drinks before meeting Emme's friend Ann and her mother for dinner. We went to this neat little dive called, Gourmet Burger Kitchen (GBK), and my burger was this: No bun, bottom layer of grilled eggplant, next layer grilled sweet potato, next layer camberet cheese (like brie), next layer grilled red pepper, next layer grilled portobello mushroom. AMAZING! all over a bed of rocket (arugala here). Then we came home from our long day away, and are awaiting really scary weather!! Some really high winds and rain... eeeegads!!

Tomorrow we are off to the Tate Modern, maaaaybe the tower of london if the weather isn't too bad and the lines aren't too long. Then tomorrow night we might be going to see another show (maybe billy elliot). We're just kind of open w/ our plans, so i'll let you know how it went.

Cheerio!

Our First Day!

2008-03-08T14:32:00.002-06:00

Well we finally made it here and we had a wonderful day with Ms. Emme Cake! She showed us around her town and we had a wonderful time.

To start off the day we went to our Bed and Breakfast, The Barclay House.
Its a quaint little place, but its just enough room for all 4 of us. Tomorrow we will get a traditional English breakfast served to us by the owners of the house. I'll update pictures hopefully soon of the B&B.

Then Emme took us to this cute little restaurant called The Stock Pot. We each fueled up for our day and headed out. The weather here is kind of nasty so we were bundled up and prepared to walk thru the wind and the drizzle. We set out on our first stop for the day Borough Market. If you love food, this is the place to go. It is a foodie Mecca, filled with every type of indgredient, specialty food, and local food you can imagine. It's all there. The hustle and bustle of the vendors and the shoppers is a lot to soak in, but its a blast once you get used to it.

We then went and saw Big Ben, Parliament and a tiny view of the London Eye. On our way back we stopped by an amazing cupcake place called Hummingbird. Oh my word, I had a nutella cupcake, and emme and mom had carrot cake. They were awesome! Then we decided to duck into Harrods because it was on my dad's list of sights to see :). He's such a funny man!

Next Emme took us to her cute apartment to gather her things and then we came back to the part of town that our B&B is in. We decided to eat close to home tonight because we were sooo tired from the day. So we ate at this fantastic Vietnamese place and all of us had Pho (its like a Vietnamese noodle soup, amazing!). Then we came back to our place of residence for the next 5 days and we're about to crash. We're pretty tired, but hopefully we'll be able to get going early tomorrow on a bus tour and see some museums!!

Cheerio!

WE MADE IT!!!

2008-03-08T07:02:00.002-06:00

WE MADE IT!!!
I'm sitting here in the B&B w/ my family. We're about to leave to go out on the town. It's 1 pm here/ 7 am in TX. woohoo. TIIIIIREEEEED!

Anyways, i'll update later. but just wanted to check in and say that i'm here.

So far so... well not so good...

2008-03-07T17:18:00.002-06:00

Well things started out pretty crazy yesterday. I got to the airport and there was terrible weather in Dallas. So they canceled all American Airlines flights into DFW, so it was a total mad house in ABIA. Thank goodness for my quick thinking (and witted if I might add) mother, who bought me a ticket on Southwest to get home to dallas.

Well our day continued suit today as well. There was no way that we were going to be able to fly standby out of Dallas today so we decided that we were going to drive to Houston and try and catch a flight on another airlines who would still honor our standby passenger status. So we finally get to the British Air counter and some crazy stuff happened. To make a long story short American didn't add a certain tax to our ticket and we ended up missing our flight.

So right now we're sitting in the airport praying that we are going to be able to get on a flight to London. And we are sending in an extra prayer that we will be able to sit in business class.

Here are some highlights of our trip to London so far:

We saw a mountee (yes like in Canada) in the Walmart parking lot in the woodlands. Horse and all.

Just listening to my parents loving banter with each other. Most of the discussion centered around The Girls Next door and how our family could soooo be a reality show.

Eating subway on the road as we tried to make it to the airport. It's harder than it sounds.

Passing by the prison and the humongous statue of Sam Houston in Huntsville.

Riding a terminal train that was about as small as a matchbox and about as fast as a boat on "It's a small world after all" in Disneyworld.

Hearing my dad begin his British accent for the trip. If you don't know my father, than you should know that his accent will begin to adapt in whatever culture is represented. This includes Mexican restaurants, Chinese Buffets, the british voice on any answering machine. So now that we are going to London, this should be fun.

So if anyone is reading this... say a little prayer that we get on the flight!

I can't wait to see my sister!!!

Cheerio!

History of Love

2008-03-04T23:02:00.002-06:00

So I just started reading this book called "The History of Love," by Nicole Krauss. I'm going to London on Friday (whoot whoot!) and needed something to read on the plane, but as soon as I picked up this book I couldn't put it down. Well except to write this post, but I don't like to be too technical.

It's basically about this guy who fell in love with this girl when he was very young, the girl got shipped to America from their home in Slonim. He saved up money for years and years to be able to go live with her in America, then the Germans invaded, and being Jewish he had to flee. Once he got to America he found her and she had married someone else. She had been pregnant when she left Slonim with his child. He vows to never love again, and lives watching his son and his wife from afar. In vowing to never love again, he keeps himself at a distance from everything that requires him to love life.

I just really hope I never turn out this way.

Thoughts on Love and Change

2008-02-06T09:09:00.000-06:00

So last night I was watching the L word and its the episode that Shane leaves Carmen at the altar of their wedding day. And the reason that she has left is because her father has left his wife to sleep around with other women. She's constantly reminded throughout the show that she is just like him, and that she's got his character. I think that she sees how this character can hurt someone and shatter someone's dream of a family and children.

I don't think Shane left Carmen out of selfishness, I think that she left Carmen because she felt that her character could never change, and that she didn't want to end up hurting Carmen. UHHH! This broke my heart. I can't stand it when I get so involved with fictional characters that I'm heart broken the next morning because of what was written in a script and happened on the television the night before. But it got me thinking. Can love change a person, or does a person always stay who they were before the relationship?

I mean I believe that all relationships have an effect on who you are and how you make decisions and why you react in certain ways. But I'm still confused if relationships can completely change your person. Speaking from personal experience: the 2 relationships I have been in over my lifetime have been completely different. The first was a constant struggle to not allow myself to completely change, my soul would not allow it, even if I tried, I could not change who I was. It wasn't possible and it allowed me to spiral into a deep dark place. But once I finally realized what was occurring, I couldn't allow it to happen anymore. So I ended it.

But now that I'm in this new relationship, it feels different. I wouldn't say that I'm the same person I was before I was in this relationship, but I also feel comfortable being myself. Its a strange feeling, wanting to become a better person, but also trying to keep your personhood ( i think i just made up this word :) )
This relationship drives me to want to do better, be better, feel better. But it also doesn't ask me to be someone that I'm no where close to being. Not saying that this doesn't come without hardship, sometimes it does feel like I am stretching myself to react in a way that isn't my first instinct, or to say something that isn't the first thing that comes to mind. I'm learning to be a more loving, more gracious, more patient individual while being with another individual who is very much an individual. I'm learning to love that person with all their individuality, their quirks, bad days, baggage and faults. And to my surprise I'm realizing that I'm loved and graciously accepted with all of mine.

Here's to change!

2008-02-05T12:10:00.000-06:00

So this is now my life every Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning... why do I put myself through these terrible experiences?

No I'm not in the military, I'm putting myself through work out hell every morning. Right now my fingers that I'm using to type this post is about the only thing I can move in my body right now. The first day we did a fitness test, 1 mile, crunches for 1 minute, and push ups till you maxed out. On Monday we did a hellish cornucopia of exercises: A mile run, dips, push ups, sit ups, running lifts, squats, lunges, bear crawls, at an unstoppable rate. I mean it really sucked, especially being at 5:30 in the morning, but after it was all over I felt great. And hopefully at the end of the month when the class is over my body will feel great too.

Other than that my life has been pretty much the same. Working at Lifesteps. I've started with my new groups. I'm having a hard time separating myself from the kids. Its hard going home for the day and knowing or really not knowing what is going to happen to them when they go home. I find that its been hard for me to fall asleep without scanning through each name, each face, each story and praying over each one. Sometimes I've found that my irritability and my impatience with people after work is because of things that I come across at work. I've never really connected that before, but it makes sense.

What's new with me

2007-10-08T12:19:00.000-05:00

I feel like all I've been doing is getting out my thoughts on here, but I really haven't updated anyone one my current life. So here ya go:

I've started my groups in the elementary schools! YAYAYA! I've waited too long to get out of my office and now I'm actually doing what my job description states. I currently have 14 groups of students ranging from K-5th grade. Most days I go into the schools and teach a curriculum that is all about making healthy choices, making friends, dealing with feelings, and playing lots of games and coloring! Each group is usually about 6 kids each (give or take). I have about 80 kids that are all mine! It's a lot to keep up with but I love each one of them, maybe a little too much because I want to adopt each one of them.

Here's my schedule so far:

Mondays:
9 Am staff meeting
11-1 pm Blackland Prairie Elementary
4 pm- Texas Baptist Children's Home
6pm- Strengthening Families Program (I'm also working in another program)

Tuesdays:
10-2 Blackland Prairie Elementary
2:30-3:30- Cooper Elementary

Wednesdays:
10-2 Blackland Prairie Elementary

Thursdays:
This is my paperwork day where I am in my office all day

Fridays:
Union Hill Elementary:
9:45-11:15

Double File Trail Elementary:
11:30-1:00

I find that I am so exhausted at the end of the day and its because I have to have the same amount of energy for each group. Most of my groups are Kinders and First graders, so I'm doing a lot of "dont hit her!" "MISTER HUGHES, we do not touch things that aren't ours." "Carolyn, snorting milk up your nose won't mean that it will come out of your eyes." So I feel like a babysitter/camp counselor/probation officer/mother/drill seargent/lunch lady all the days of the week. Oh and I didn't mention that most of my groups are at lunch so I'm having to gather them from their individual rooms, take them down to the cafeteria and get their lunch, get back to our assigned room and eat lunch (and really i just open things and clean them up during this time), teach them my lesson, and take them back to their rooms all within 30 minutes. It's madness!!

But I really do love it. I love being able to see each child really digesting the attention that I give them. If they want a hug I freely give it, if they want discipline (which many of them are crying out for) I freely give it, if they want encouragement or attention I give it to them, because I know for most of them they do not get this opportunity at home.

Last week I taught that each one of them is special and unique. We are alike in that we have eyes, and noses and mouths, we each come from a family. But all of these things might not look alike. Next week we are talking about feelings and how to handle anger, so I'm anxious to see what will come out of it.

The Fury

2007-09-21T08:22:00.000-05:00

Right now I'm reading James Fry's "My Friend Leonard" its the sequel to "Million little pieces."

The way he describes anger as "the fury," not as simply as "fury," but "THE fury". That rises up within him and takes him over when he becomes angered. It's this uncontrollable anger that creeps up within him and takes over his actions.

Something in a book has never resonated with me in this way. I feel much of what James feels when anger strikes. I feel it creeping up from the very most dark corner of my being and spreading like a swarm of locusts into the rest of my body. It takes over my breathing, my heart rate, my muscles feel as if they are supercharged, my legs become very stiff, and my gaze very very narrow. I have all the power to strike something, or break it or throw it to the ends of the earth. I never really want to hit people, at least I don't think. I always want to/ or end up taking it out on inanimate objects such as walls or doors.

I know this is kind of a behavior that shows that I'm out of control of my emotions and feelings, but I've become better at suppressing it. I don't want the everyday person to see me punching a wall, they might have me committed, so I've learned to suppress the actions. Oh but that fury, it still rises and rises until there must be some breaking point. Usually I just try and get my mind off of the cause of my anger, but lately that's been hard to do, so I think I need to find another antidote.

I really just want it to end.

Luna

2007-09-18T09:58:00.000-05:00

I have decided to save up my money and buy a puppy next summer. Well there are a lot of factors in it, but hopefully I won't be living in an apartment, and hopefully I will have the time to take care of it. If I don't I will just keep waiting until I do.

But I want a brown and white boston terrier.

I saw one the other day at Petsmart, which I cant stand that place. They are cruel to those dogs! But I frequently visit there imagining myself breaking those dogs free of those terrible cages.

Anyways, there was this beautiful light brown and white boston. She was sooo pretty and I really just wanted to take her home with me. When she turned around to show play with another dog in the cage I saw this white mark on her neck that looked like a moon! So in honor of this dog I think I will name my Boston Terrier Luna (like the moona! hahaha!)

Laundromat encounters

2007-09-18T08:50:00.000-05:00

The other night when I got home from seeing my family I had some laundry to do so I decided to grace the local laundromat with my presence. I thought it might be a nice relaxing night, I was going to take a book and be on my own for a couple of hours, able to get away and just enjoy the company of myself.

Well I got there around 7:30 and stumbled in with my undergarments, sheets, and clothes from the week before. I looked around for a group of open washers where I could set up shop for the next couple of hours. As I was putting my sheets in the washer a younger man (maybe late 20's) walked by and looked me up and down, so I shot him and look that made his buddies chuckle and jeer at him.

I then went to find a chair where I could see my clothes to keep an eye on the cycle. I pulled out my book and my iced tea and began to read. About a half of a page into my relaxing 30 minutes the young man who was interested in my assets came and sat down next to me. He started to hit on me and try and do everything he could to let me know that he was interested. I was blunt and told him that I wasn't interested.

He then asked me what the heck did I think that I was doing there. I told him laundry. He redirected his question, "no, what is a girl like you, (he meant white and educated and the reason I know this is because he asked me about SU) doing in a laundromat with a bunch of us (and he meant Latino)?" I then looked up and realized that I was the only woman in the laundromat, and the only white person as well. I kind of got a little intimidated and I think that he could tell. So he asked me about the book I was reading. I told him "My Friend Leonard, its about life after prison/rehab."

Well then our conversation took a whole different turn. I found out that his name is Roman, he's from Juarez Mexico and was brought here 5 years ago to fight in Iraq. I couldn't believe his story. The government had sent over recruiting officers over the border to the border town to get some new recruits. Well Roman was one of them. It promised him a better life, they told him that if he was smart enough he could fly airplanes or be in covert missions. This really intrigued him because life in Juarez was just not enough for him and he wanted a better life for his family and more importantly his sister. So the government brought him over to fight for this country. He served in Iraq for 5 years, flying planes and going on covert missions.

But now the government isn't granting him citizenship! He served the country for 5 years, and put his life on the line, thank goodness he came back alive, but the thanks he gets for it is being sent back to Juarez. Well of course Roman didn't want to do that, that wasn't an option for him. He tried to enroll in some classes to earn his degree but since he's not a citizen he can't get a decent job once he's done with classes, so why spend the money? So Roman is left to do construction work, even though he was smart enough to fly airplanes.

We had a long discussion about the war, politics, Hillary, Mexican-American culture. The stories that he told me about life in Iraq were horrifying. I asked him if he thinks that the media blows things out of proportion when it comes to the war. He said that they do spin it to make it sound like we are right to fight, but that they are also shielding our eyes from many of the terrors that all people soldier and Iraqi have to face in Iraq.

I asked Roman who he thought would do the best at president and to my surprise he said Hillary. Roman stated and I thought was ready to salute "I would love to have that woman be my commander." He thought that it is time to have a new perspective besides a white male. He also feels like she has the most perspective in what is happening in Iraq and in the United States.

Roman also commented on the lack of birth control in his culture. "I don't understand it. They will come over here to make a better life for themselves and then they just go and pop a bunch of babies out. How is that supposed to make life better? You are raising a bunch of children who will have to help you raise your other children down the line." He felt that that lifestyle helped foster assumptions and stereotypes of Latinos. "Latinos aren't promiscuous, but when all people see are a bunch of your babies running around and you can't control your life, that has an effect on me, that has an effect on the way all Latinos are portrayed."

That night was probably one of the most enlightening conversations I've ever had. I will admit that my ignorance and prejudices caused me to assume that I would be having to fight this guy and his advances off all night. But I was lucky, something happened and not by my own doing to get to know a fantastic person whose story I have truly truly been touched by. I hope I think about Roman a lot in my days ahead through this life. I hope that I will never lose sight of how lucky I am, the sacrifice that has been made for my safety, be involved with what's going on in the world and realize that when you move past stereotypes and fears that a lovely and intriguing person is waiting to touch your life. Thank you Roman.

East to West

2007-09-14T13:58:00.001-05:00

Here I am Lord and I’m drowning, in Your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me, I yearn for peace and rest
I don’t want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight
I know you’ve cast my sin as far as the East is from the West
And I stand before You now as though I’ve never sinned
But today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Chorus:
Jesus can you show me just how far the east is from the west
‘Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
‘Cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I’m in
Today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
from You leaving me this way

I know You’ve washed me white
Turn my darkness into life
I need Your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can’t live by what I feel
About the truth Your word reveals
I’m not holding on to You
But You’re holding on to me
You’re holding on to me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s6zdihmwy1M

The imagery in this song just really gets me to the brink of tears almost every time I hear it. I feel like this song depicts where I am in my spiritual journey right now. I feel like I'm yearning for peace and rest, and have been yearning for God to show me just how powerful his way truly is. He's slowly taking me there, and showing me things one at a time, and I feel anxious at times to just get there already, but I believe he's doing this slower than I would prefer so I can recognize his voice.

I really didn't realize how much the storm I've been in was drowning out so much truth about myself and about God. It's a strange thing when you don't realize you are unhappy and you aren't living the life you were meant to live. It's a violent and terrorizing storm. It's like driving in a hurricane all of your life thinking that this is the only weather that there is, so you'd better be happy about it. But when you finally come out of it and experience the sun warm on your face and illuminating everything around you, you truly feel newborn.

Could it really be true that God's grace spans as far the east is from the west? To think of grace in those terms is truly mind blowing to me. I no longer have to fit my life into a mold where I must put boundaries on my life for salvation's sake. Is there really no mold? These are questions that God is slowly answering in my life. Earlier I talked about the idea that Jesus didn't come to provide a mold for us all to try and squeeze ourselves into, he came to break it! There is a way of love and a grace that truly transcends the ways of this earth. And for us to put limitations and EXPECTATIONS on ourselves because of the ways of this life is restricting and putting limitations on what God can make of us.

I have found now that I am allowing God to truly show me how vast His ways are I am able to see the picture of what I really am/can become.

Courage

2007-08-27T14:04:00.000-05:00

I bought a new book on Saturday called "The Courage to be" by Paul Tillich. So far it's pretty good. It's a bit intellectual for me, but I think its what I need to feed that part of me.

He talks about the dilemma and the struggle modern man has with anxiety (this is a much broader term to him than we think). He really breaks down the way he sees fear and the will to overcome. So right now I think that's what I'm trying to concentrate on and make my focus in my continued study.

In the fall I'm going to start leading a bible study. It's something that I've felt my heart being pulled towards for quite sometime now and I think now is the time to do it. I feel like I actually have the time to give in order to lead one. I feel like I'm losing a lot of the basics that I know about Christianity. Faith, prayer, Jesus, etc. And I have a lot of questions about all of those things, so I think I'll be probably focusing it towards those themes.

This prayer is next to my desk and I thought I would share:
Prayer of St. Francis
Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

Prayer

2007-08-20T12:10:00.000-05:00

This song has been on my heart lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXWdhRvNXME

I come to you, oh god, in the stillness of my heart
I need your healing and your voice in the stillness of my heart

Speak to me and show me who you are
rescue me with your unfailing love and mercy
speak to me and show me who you are
Hold me tightly in your arms and never let me go

I hear you calling out my name in the stillness of my heart
your grace is given me again, now I open my heart

I remember singing praises to your name every day with all my might
How I long to sing to you again

Many Thoughts

2007-08-04T10:18:00.000-05:00

So I really love to fish.... My dad, sisters and i used to go a lot when I was younger. I remember that being one of my most favorite times with my dad. I just really loved hanging out with him and wanting to be able to fish just like him. Well yesterday amid my busy things that I needed to do this weekend decided to go fishing.

I didn't really catch much except a couple of perch, but there was an exciting moment to my evening. I cast my line out in the middle of these reeds in the water thinking that the fish would be feeding around there at that time of night. Well as I was reeling my line back in something caught it and I jerked it back in order to hook the fish (or what I thought was one). Well when I jerked it back a second time to bring it in, my line jumped up out of the water and on the end of it was SNAKE! Now this is not my 1st encounter with a snake (well the first time it was a chord moving in the dark which I thought was a wall climbing snake) this week so I thought I was going to piss my pants. So I quickly cut my line and ran back to my car with all of my things ready to try again in the morning.

So Jessica and I have found a new church! I'm really excited about this place! It's called Hyde Park UMC. It's in Austin which is a bit of a drive, but I love taking Sunday drives. hydparkmethodist.org. They were so welcoming the first time that we visited. I really enjoyed the diverse ages that were represented, it was like they weren't going to allow that aspect break them apart from being open to worship. The pastor is named Cheryl, last week was the first time for us to hear her speak adn I really enjoyed it. The church used to be a dying church, and in my opinion still has the wounds of one. But they are healing. They committed their church to become more open and more inclusive, this has done wonders to their congregation and to the life of that church. They are all so excited to be there worshiping and fellowshiping together and to welcome others who will come. Plus they have free breakfast and lunch every sunday. They also are very concentrated on social justice, which has become a rising passion in me. The pastor is going thru the book of Acts as a sermon series this summer and many of her sermons have had this as the theme. This week I'm flying solo and I'm going to go visit the 9:30 contemporary service. There will be some college kids and seminary students there so I'm excited to meet the young crowd.

It just feels so wonderful to be comfortable in church again. I'm beginning to see Jesus and I walking next to each other again. I've had this vision of myself & what my relationship with Christ has looked like for the past 3 years. It's like when I used to get angry with my parents and I would storm off and walk ahead of them as fast and as furious as I could and I would glance back every now and then and they would be walking right behind me at their own pace, keeping an eye on me as I tried to do my own thing. I feel like He's been just right back there watching me and waiting for when I would turn around and ask him to walk next to me. I feel like I'm getting there.

My view of Christ has been so tainted. It's been this view of a man who came down to earth to tell us how it is and how it should be. I bought into this Jesus and tried to conform my life to fit into this constricting and suffocating model. I pushed away so many people that really needed to just know that they were loved and accepted for who they were. I most definitely pushed myself the absolute farthest away and began convincing myself that I really was this other person that everyone was telling me that I was. Christ was a man who brought a model of new rules and new conformities. At first I didn't mind becoming this person that lived by the rules laid before me, it was pretty easy for the majority of my young life, but the longer I did that the harder it was for my real spirit to continue to be silent.

I've come to the realization that Christ did not come to bring a new mold. He came to break the mold. If you look in the Gospels he was constantly speaking about a new way of life. I believe ( and I don't know if this is too radical or not radical enough) but I believe that the way that Christ came to show was to simply live life in love. When we do that everything else falls into place. So putting constraints and conformity to your life is not allowing yourself to do this fully, because so many times these lines that we draw for ourselves to live in push so many others out.

No wonder I wanted to run away from this Christ that I had been presented with since I was a child. It wasn't a true representation of who he really was. I couldn't live a life with this Christ. The white, conservative, homophobic, elitist who was constantly commanding me what to do and who to seperate myself from. For so long a personal relationship with Jesus meant making my life look PERFECTLY like his. But I believe now when Jesus says, "follow me," or "I am the way," or "take my example", this means to not become Jesus by only concentrating on ourselves and the scriptures that make us look good, but to mainly look at those around us and to see how our lives can be molded and shaped by loving them and by learning more about God through them.

I know this sounds like a very flighty type of Christianity, call it what you will. It's still in the works for me. But I believe that this life is all about living it and yeah we have a place to look forward to after this life which we should be excited about, I do validate that there is a heaven. But if we are constantly keeping our eyes on that part of eternal life we are keeping ourselves from learning in this part of it, and there is so much to learn if we only allow ourselves to live it.